How do you explain death to a child?

coe28

I've debated even asking this question, because I know how some people can be in these forums, but for the sake of wanting some honest answers, here goes....

I was washing dishes a few nights ago and my son, who is 3-1/2 and very bright for his age, came to me with tears in his eyes. I asked what was wrong and he started full on crying and said "Mommy, I don't want to die." As I tried comforting him, he cried harder saying he didn't want me to die either and asked when we were going to die. I was caught completely off-guard and had no idea how to answer this. I am athiest and to be honest, I don't have a theory for what happens after we die either (other than we just cease to exist anymore, not something I want to explain to an upset child) so I couldn't find an explanation to give him. I told him we're not going to die for a very long time and that he doesn't need to worry, but I'm not satisfied with that answer. He asked me again last night when we were going to die, so I know this topic is going to come up again soon.

I did not expect to have to have this conversation with him at 3 years old and I have no idea what prompted the whole thing. He was in the next room playing with his toys when it began. We did have an elderly neighbor die a few months ago, so we have talked a little about death but nothing extensive. This conversation has really been bothering me and I guess my question is, how have you as parents approached this topic with your children? I don't want to brush off his questions, but I also don't want to scare him either...

(Please....no smart-*kitten* answers. I'm not looking for parenting advice or to start a debate on religion. Just interested in how others have handled similar situations. Thank you :flowerforyou: )

djeffreys10

The only way I could respond would reference my religion heavily. I have no clue how I would handle it in your situation. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help any.

maab_connor

have you tried asking him what's brought this on? sometimes just getting to the source of a new anxiety can tell you how to handle it.

SteveJWatson

I'm a livestock farmer and also an atheist.

My little one has been exposed to death from quite an early age (shes 4) - as the saying goes "where theres livestock, theres deadstock". She has also seen pheasants, rabbits ect in their skin when I have brought them back from shooting and watched whilst I skin/gut them.

I'm not quite sure whether she relates death to her specifically, but she knows that all things die in the end and is quite matter of fact about it.

Has your child any pets etc? They are a good way of introducing the concept of death in a gentle way.

jenlarz

Honesty is about the best thing. Explaining that no one knows when or how they will die and being scared of death won't change anything. Let him talk about it if he feels he needs to and ask why he is scared or why he is thinking about it. Its' not uncommon for kids to think about or be scared someone will die.

BeachIron

Tough subject, period. Yes, I've had this conversation but it wasn't easy, and I relied on my tenuous relationship with religion in the end. I tend towards agnosticism (well mostly), but when speaking to a child I realize that they don't see the world they way an adult does.

coe28

If I were religous, that would be the direction I'd go too.

I did ask him where it was coming from, and he kept just saying "I don't know." Next time he asks me (and hopefully it will be more of a casual conversation than as upset as he was this time) I will try harder to figure out what is bringing it up. During that particular conversation, I was about in tears myself. Kids cry all the time, but when it's one of those cries where you can tell they are truly upset or hurting it's pretty heart breaking.

quirkytizzy

My then 6 year old niece brought up a family friend out of the blue one day. He had died 12 years before she had even been born so I'm not sure what it brought it on. She asked if everyone died, and if they did, how did they die and when did they know they were going to die?

Her mother and I both fumbled through that question. And I imagine at 3, giving an answer would be even more difficult.

When my niece later asked me again, she included the "what happens after we die?" question. I am an atheist, too, so I said that we get buried and get to become trees and grass, which helps animals (she likes deer, so I used the animal "deer") like deer to grow big and strong and beautiful.

It's based on science but still painted a concrete enough picture for her to grasp. At six, she didn't need to be given the gory details of how decomposition works, but the whole "circle of life" thing was something she could understand.

_DaniD_

I remember the exact moment I found out that people die. My mom played it off like it was no big deal and made it seem like it was so far away for me that it wouldn't even happen. She told me by time I die, I will be good and ready to. This helped big time and I have done the same for my daughter when she came with questions. She seemed okay with that answer and gave me an "Oh, okay".

ETA: I am not an atheist, so the heaven part helps.

coe28

We do have pets and actually had a dog die about a year ago. I think then he was probably too young to really grasp the concept of it, so other than our neighbor who passed away, there really hasn't been any occasions where this has happened in his life.

I agree about honesty. I answer all of his questions honestly and specifically, because I want him to learn. I guess my weakness here is that death still frightens me and I'm afraid every day of losing someone I love and I do not want to pass that fear on to him.

MudRunLvr

It's hard. No way around it. Harder still for us non-believers because we don't have the luxury of saying someone's gone to a better place.

There one thing I'm thinking that you could try, depending on how you think your child would respond to it.

You can say that death is a part of life. All things die and as tragic as it is life wouldn't be as beautiful without death. The fact that our lives are temporary makes them so very special. It means we have to really make the most of the time we have and appreciate the people in our lives while they're there. Give him an example of a toy he loves but rarely plays with, now tell him you're going to take the toy away forever. He really wants to play with that toy now, doesn't he? That is what makes the temporary nature of our lives so special. If we existed forever things wouldn't really matter so much now would they?

Just a thought. Nothing makes it easy. But it's obvious you're doing the best you can. Good luck to you.

Capt_Apollo

Even the greatest of us can't compete with time... and death. There's no way to tell what your life is going to be like. And that's why you live it. We create our own purpose in life. Now go create yours.

2credneck208

I'm a livestock farmer and also an atheist.

My little one has been exposed to death from quite an early age (shes 4) - as the saying goes "where theres livestock, theres deadstock". She has also seen pheasants, rabbits ect in their skin when I have brought them back from shooting and watched whilst I skin/gut them.

I'm not quite sure whether she relates death to her specifically, but she knows that all things die in the end and is quite matter of fact about it.

Has your child any pets etc? They are a good way of introducing the concept of death in a gentle way.

This. We also live on a farm and raise our on beef. We trap gophers, and have chickens (as pets) that die of natural causes and sometimes we have to kill them. My kids have been exposed to death begining at very young ages. As for human life losses not so much. I, like you believe we cease to exist, and being that he's only 3 I wouldn't want to scare him more by saying we could go at any time. Its a tough one and I'm not sure there is a right answer.

UsedToBeHusky

My father died when I was three. The only explanation I really remember getting was that he was never coming home again. I didn't really understand until I was much older. I cried often and looked for him all the time before I really could accept it.

The point that I'm making here is that even if you explain the concept of death to him, then he may not understand anyway. It might be best to dodge the question until he is a bit older.

ninerbuff

Take advantage of this NOW! Tell him the next time he doesn't clean up......................:laugh:

I kid of course, but when my daughter asked the same question a few years back (we were at a relative's funeral), I was straight with her and told her that unless death is actually planned or risked, then there's no way of telling when someone will die. And that's why it's important that we don't sweat the small stuff and tell each other that we love and appreciate each other each day. She gave me a big hug after that. <sniff>.

And I stick with that mantra daily. Seems that since I've done it for so long now with my DW and DD, that I'm always pretty happy.

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coe28

@Dani - That's kind of along the lines of what I said too. I basically told him that we wouldn't die for a very long time and that he doesn't have to worry himself about it. I'm just hoping to be a little more prepared for when the topic comes up again and he wants more answers.

@Quirky - I like that. It's honest, but not ugly or scary.

Akimajuktuq

My child is 5. She is very curious about death and I have no problem talking with her about it. I explain that it's natural, part of life, and that everyone and everything will die. I'm not religious per se but I do believe that the energy in all life goes on forever in some form. It's ok to feel bad, sad, angry etc, about a loved one dying, but it must be accepted as natural.

There's a lot of death in my community and many people don't address it in a healthy way. I feel obligated NOT to "protect" my child from dealing with death and instead get her ready to deal with it openly, honestly, and in a healthy way. Right now she's mostly focused on the death of the animals that we eat so it's a regular, almost every day, discussion.

meeper123

poor baby I would tell him its like ging to sleep after being really really tierd that might be the best answer for now

Jessi_Brooks

Despite me being athiest, I think if a child asked me about death I would say a few different options and let the child choose which one they liked best.

I would say what I believe in, in a gentle way. I like the way quirkytizzy said it. But I would also say, "And some people believe in a place called Heaven." "Some people believe you have a soul that lives on." "Some people believe you start all over again as a new baby." Etc.

etoiles_argentees

With the book, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf?

catrinaHwechanged

I am also atheist. When my boys were 3 & 4, their aunt passed away from liver disease. The only way that I could suggest approaching it is to be honest but gentle. That was about a year and a half ago. They still ask about her sometimes and their father and I both continue to use the same approach. Honest and gentle.

gr8xpectationz

poor baby I would tell him its like ging to sleep after being really really tierd that might be the best answer for now

DON'T tell him it's like going to sleep. Your child's bedtime routine will be filled with terror for weeks.

VeganSurfer

My dad died when I was 3, the explanation was that my dad was now a star (brightest one in the sky).
I'm an atheist so I would personally explain things scientifically. Each to their own though I suppose....

coe28

Despite me being athiest, I think if a child asked me about death I would say a few different options and let the child choose which one they liked best.

I would say what I believe in, in a gentle way. I like the way quirkytizzy said it. But I would also say, "And some people believe in a place called Heaven." "Some people believe you have a soul that lives on." "Some people believe you start all over again as a new baby." Etc.

What a great answer. I think this would be a great way to explain it to him. Even though I'm an athiest, I would never hinder him from having his own beliefs. I want him to know that there are different options and opinions and he is able to decide for himself what he believes in.

VorJoshigan

As a non parent, I feel comfortable answering this question.

1) honesty, as you've already mentioned
2) simplicity, as has elsewhere been shared
3) this may sound weird, but try to make death a part of your life. Part of our discomfort with death in the USA is because we segregate ourselves from something that has always been a fundamental part of our lives.
4) take your son to an old folks home. I wouldn't ask the residents about death, but I think it would be great to get their perspectives on life.

soldier4242

When it comes to a big question like this I have always gone with honesty. I told my children that death is a fact of life. We are born we live and that we die. It is an ever present reminder that we should appreciate every single day that we have. We should tell the ones that we love how much we care about them now because there is a finality to death. Once we die there is no turning back the clock.

Akimajuktuq

poor baby I would tell him its like ging to sleep after being really really tierd that might be the best answer for now

DON'T tell him it's like going to sleep. Your child's bedtime routine will be filled with terror for weeks.

I didn't like that advice either. At all. Children deserve honesty AND to understand that the person is not going to wake up or come back. Why are many of us so uncomforable with something so natural and inevitable?

coe28

poor baby I would tell him its like ging to sleep after being really really tierd that might be the best answer for now

DON'T tell him it's like going to sleep. Your child's bedtime routine will be filled with terror for weeks.

That's kind of what I thought. That would probably be pretty terrifying for him (we've dealt with bed-time issues forever anyway...) but I do appreciate the response! :flowerforyou:

meeper123

poor baby I would tell him its like ging to sleep after being really really tierd that might be the best answer for now

DON'T tell him it's like going to sleep. Your child's bedtime routine will be filled with terror for weeks.

Hmm it was comforting to me but my grandma was in a lot of pain so idk made sense to me

dmpizza

This is the answer you don't want.
My son did similar things about that age and we soon learned he was high functioning autistic with strong emotional issues.
One thing that helped somewhat (for us)was taking him regularly to church. He saw he was not alone with his concerns.

coe28

With the book, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf?

Haven't heard of it, I'll have to check it out :flowerforyou: