How do you explain death to a child?
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Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.
I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.
I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.
The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?
Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.
and I don't agree with you. I think saying "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
however I think it's all in how you say it. When my daughter and I talk about things that I don't have the answer to, I deliver my "I don't know" with a short and sweet finality....it's a simple, "I don't know and I have often thought about that".
As a result I have a daughter that sees that sometimes the answers, mysteries and puzzles aren't answered all at once. That some you have to work on and wonder and tinker with for a while to get to the answer.
She's inquisitive and not afraid of an "I don't know".... to her, it means that she just has to collect more data, feel out her feelings more, think a bit about it. Sometimes, for some people "I don't know" is just fine and ok.
Everyone's different, I think OP you need to find a way to deliver your message with a sense of belief and conviction, your child will read more out that than anything you say. If they get the sense that you aren't scared of the answers, then they won't be scared of the answers you give....a compassionate response, in my opinion, is best.
I'm not saying that we can't say we aren't in awe, or we worry, or we wonder, but just deliver the message with a sense of confidence in what you are telling them.
You being at ease with the conversation will go miles in making sure he is at ease with it.0 -
I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.
A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.
First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.
I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.
I think that about sums it up.
Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).
this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.
Oh, thank you!!!
Also, my kids are 6 and almost 9. And they ask a lot of questions, so this was not one big conversation, but a quick summary of many conversations and still many more to go.
as I suspected. This BTW is the best way to handle all the heavy topics of parenting.
Yeah, I agree! Like sex and all that!0 -
Mine learned the hard way when she was 3. I was taking care of my neighbor's bird for the winter (sweet older lady) and went over to check on bird one day and took DD with me. Long story short, the bird died. DD & I stared at the little body. I felt like the world's worst neighbor! "Birdie sleeping?" asked DD and that's when I explained death (while crying and trying not to completely fall apart)
It didn't take much explain, and it certainly was in simple terms, plus the subject at the moment was tangible.0 -
As a parent and an atheist, I struggle with understanding why so many adults will withhold the truth from their children. In my opinion, sheltering your child from the realities of the world does more harm than good.0
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I haven't read everyone's responses, so it's possible someone already said this- but have you considered speaking to him about the fact that death is simply part of the life cycle of all living things?
The existence of death, to some, is a reminder to truly enjoy being alive and to work towards bettering yourself & the world around you. Although I have personal beliefs in the existence of souls and in places for 'eternal rest'.. so I honestly can't tell you exactly how you should approach it with your child.0 -
I honestly don't know how you would answer this without using religious/spiritual beliefs. My personal beliefs (I believe in reincarnation until we reunite with the creator spirit.) make it very easy to talk about and explain death. I explain it to my kids as a transition from one one phase of your spiritual life to another. I also believe that our souls travel in packs, so we will see each other again and again and again. Sorry ... I have no intent of intentionally bringing up a specific belief set. I just don't know how else to explain it. I definitely give major props and have a ton of respect for atheists. I have no idea how I could handle the concept of death without believing in something that comes afterwards!0
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Tell them it's like before they were born, and not to worry about it.0
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my daughter was 4 when her father died
he died. hes going to heaven . u wont be able to see him again. hes with god and the angels0 -
My then 6 year old niece brought up a family friend out of the blue one day. He had died 12 years before she had even been born so I'm not sure what it brought it on. She asked if everyone died, and if they did, how did they die and when did they know they were going to die?
Her mother and I both fumbled through that question. And I imagine at 3, giving an answer would be even more difficult.
When my niece later asked me again, she included the "what happens after we die?" question. I am an atheist, too, so I said that we get buried and get to become trees and grass, which helps animals (she likes deer, so I used the animal "deer") like deer to grow big and strong and beautiful.
It's based on science but still painted a concrete enough picture for her to grasp. At six, she didn't need to be given the gory details of how decomposition works, but the whole "circle of life" thing was something she could understand.
This is almost exactly how I explained it to my daughter. She also started crying one day saying she didn't want me to die, etc... No apparent reason. After we had this talk, she asked if when "grandma" died we could have her car. :noway: :laugh:0 -
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:flowerforyou: SOLDIER 4242(...)"The Origin of Species" is not an atheist bible so no I would not quote Darwin. I realize you weren't being serious you were just mocking me because I disagreed with you and you don't think there is anything an atheist could say to a child in this situation. (:::)
I wasnt mocking you and its not like i dont believe there is anything an atheist can say to a child in this situation. Being an atheist just indicates you dont belive in god, there is alot of people that believe in souls and dont belive and god , or belive in reincarnation . I just fail to see why would you not agree in saying to a child that is 3 yrs that heaven exists, or that souls exist, or that borrow an explanation from a religion is wrong . Information should be given acording to their hability to deal with it. If the kid crys for example that is an indication he is scared already, so despite being completly true it has to be something that calms him down and not bring more anxiety.
I can also give you a ton of reasons of why an atheist shouldnt be completly honest with their kids about their concept of death if they belive its the end of life completly.
But i can answer to your questions all together
Mommy belives that heaven is next to the stars, and thats were angels are too. You cant see angels just like you cant see when you love someone , but you know its real because you feel it. Yes everyone goes to heaven and yes your dog is in heaven-
I dont see why lying to a kid about this is bad . No to Lie is a hight moral value that has its bases in religion ( its one of the commandmentss ) but its sinked into human psyque as something very bad when it may not be when it serves the purpose of protection.
The concept of hell is mediavel and its not share by all religions. Its very common in christianity and islam , but there is several christian denominations that doesnt claim it exists. In judaism doesnt exist either.
Im sorry for my misspellings, i am not english0 -
What do you say to your kid soldier ?0
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The Lion King.
No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.
We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).
He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.
For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.
Something like this.
With my four daughters I've had ongoing conversations that are very different. I don't think there is necessarily just one answer.
My girls all know children who have lost parents, so it was essential that I didn't tell them I would be there for a long time, but that even when a parent dies, the child is loved and taken care off.
I also let them know that their grandmother believes that she can talk to her family, perhaps just in her heart, but that they are very present in her thoughts, actions and conversations. And that this was something they would have to decide for themselves. I let them know that she is crazy about some things but very wise about others and that they would have to think about this. Obviously this wasn't one conversation and certainly not the first one.
I think my initial conversation was honest - yes, it did happen and would - that I was not worried about it because I saw very many important things happening around me about life, and that no one really knows what will happen. That in our culture we celebrate the dead and death even if it is also very sad, focus on the good things too. Similar to Lea's story - except it was more around lost animals and the death of a friend.
Our conversations continue - My mother is dying so a lot of different discussions are around illness, pain and recovery (or not). Prayer and religon and her beliefs (how they are similar and different from my father's), respect for the person and the difficulties for caring for someone. I've had discussions about euthenasia with my 8 year old because she has asked. Death and art from Posada to Guerneca. Biology. Death as a personal experience.
And I lost a daughter at birth, and my other daughters now about this - it's a conversation that occurs sometime between 5-8, as short or as long as their curiosity drives it. I let them know that I believe (with all the contradiction and illogical awareness) that she is 'with me'.
Oh, and I do not tell them that they will be at peace when they die because I don't believe this. Peace is a possibility; I plan to rage, rage into the night.
My daughters are 6, 8, 16 and 18.0 -
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My little one has been exposed to death from quite an early age... seen pheasants, rabbits ect in their skin when I have brought them back from shooting and watched whilst I skin/gut them.
I think I read about this in a book on how to raise a serial killer...
I'm all for living off the land and teaching kids the same, but there's an age where kids can't properly process what they see and will develop warped perceptions despite your best efforts.
Don't be daft. It is only relatively recently that we have become so disconnected from death. Only one generation ago, in the country, killing/plucking/drawing (ie gutting) the poultry was a job for farmers' wives and children. Serial killers etc seem to enjoy pain/torture and part of avoiding this is learning about the kindness that is a quick death (not that I'd let a 4 year old watch me kill a chicken I was going to eat). I have also been involved with many small-scale slaughter operations (think turkeys and christmas) as an adult/young man and have never felt the urge to gut another human.0 -
this is a topic that has always been in our home. my mom died when i was nine, my dad when I was 21 so when my kids were little we discussed their being out of the picture at great lengths. books on the subject helped. but its really just about reassuring the child that you are healthy and most people dont die until they are very old.(it always swung back to are you going to die mommy?). even though your pet died a year ago, it may have a lasting impact. try to get to the root of the issue and keep discussing it. thats about all you can do. most people dont deal well with the subject. we believe in heaven and that your soul lives on. whatever you believe, you can talk to him about that.0
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Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin0
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Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin
So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.
It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.0 -
I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.0
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A good way to treat the topic without involving religion is so simply say..."Death is nothing to be afraid of. Its like a chore that everyone has to do, that no one should ever want to do. Sometimes people get forced to do it early and some have to do it later. But its something that has to be done for everyone."0
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I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.
A child might become afraid of closing their eyes to go to sleep after you tell them thats how people die. Bad idea in my opinion.0 -
I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.
A child might become afraid of closing their eyes to go to sleep after you tell them thats how people die. Bad idea in my opinion.
Except that he can't stay awake forever, and once he wakes up afterward it's not so scary anymore.0 -
terrible idea! i've heard of people's kids being scared to sleep and scared of everyone else sleeping for years after.I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.
it's a stupid lie.
and what about cremations? people fall asleep so we set fire to them?
it's important for kids to understand that, like disguarded shells on a beach, whatever made the deceased who they were is no longer inside.0 -
Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin
So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.
It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.
Thanks for explaiing it to me, but please don't make inferences about me thinking atheists don't have have emotions. I'm trying to understand the approach an atheist would take because as you say they do not have a happy story to tell.0 -
I haven't read the responses but had to prepare my children for our dog being put to sleep. They were 4 + nearly 6 at the time.
I used two story books- Badger's Parting Gifts (you can youtube this story) and Beginnings, Endings and Lifetimes In Between to explain death to them. Both kids still ask me to read the books.0 -
Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin
So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.
This, exactly. Very well said!0 -
We explain about Heaven and how we will all be there togehter someday. A wonderful place where we get to praise our creator and there is no pain or tears or sorrow.0
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I remember the exact moment I found out that people die. My mom played it off like it was no big deal and made it seem like it was so far away for me that it wouldn't even happen. She told me by time I die, I will be good and ready to. This helped big time and I have done the same for my daughter when she came with questions. She seemed okay with that answer and gave me an "Oh, okay".
ETA: I am not an atheist, so the heaven part helps.
This is what I did. My son came to me a few weeks ago asking about when I will die and I told him not until he is an old man. He told my mom that I wasn't going to die for a long time because he wasn't a grown up yet.
As far as religion, we are letting him decide for himself as he grows up what to believe. He learns about heaven and God at his preschool and I went to a Lutheran school for 10 years so I always let him ask all the questions he wants with my honest answers.0 -
I'm Atheist also...so when my daughter (4) was watching a movie someone died she started crying and said the person died and then she asked where did the person go?
I told my daughter that the person went on a very long holiday and when my daughter said she wanted to go on a holiday I said well this one is really expensive and that she had to wait till she is really really old so far no more questions....0 -
Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.
I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.
I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.
The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?
Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.
So the options are saying "I don't know", or making something - anything - up, as long as it is reassuring?
I go for the honesty route myself. If I don't know the answer to a question (any question) from one of my kids, I'll say "I don't know... but how about we look it up?" or "I don't know, but here is what I think...". I'm an atheist, and I don't believe in an afterlife. When this came up with my kids, I used the Circle of Life, as well as "we are made of star stuff".
But just because you are being honest with your kids, it doesn't mean you have to do it a heartless or cold way. Tell them and show them that you love them, and promise that you'll be there for as long as you can, and you plan on it being a very long time.
^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.0
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