How do you explain death to a child?

Maracuya77

The only way I could respond would reference my religion heavily. I have no clue how I would handle it in your situation. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help any.

What he said....

placeboaddiction

My wife and I are atheist. The kids are kind of christian.

We are kind of a darker family. I mean, our household is full of optimism. Really happy family.. but we are dark in the sense that we just kind of talk about death equal to birth. Explain that we all are born, and we all will die. They have a game of identifying which musicians are dead and alive. My son was floored that queen's Freddie Mercury is dead. My kids are 3,5 and 9. The 3 year old doesn't inquire much, but when she does we just explain it. She doesn't understand it. We just always just to make it a natural thing, a thing not to be scared of, but a thing to live every day to its fullest.

I also explain we need death to get the outdated ideologies out. I explain we live forever through our memories. That I pass onto them a piece of me, etc. And that we all live forever and are all connected by this. They don't get it mostly, but as long as we keep this up and open this communication up, we can pass on our wisdom.

chunkydunk714

If I were religous, that would be the direction I'd go too.

I did ask him where it was coming from, and he kept just saying "I don't know." Next time he asks me (and hopefully it will be more of a casual conversation than as upset as he was this time) I will try harder to figure out what is bringing it up. During that particular conversation, I was about in tears myself. Kids cry all the time, but when it's one of those cries where you can tell they are truly upset or hurting it's pretty heart breaking.

Just thinking about my little one.....ugh, now im tearing up.

coe28

Lots of great advice here. My daughter is 3 and when she asks questions that have answers that might be too big for her, or tough for me to explain, I like to answer with a question. Sometimes she doesn't necessarily need to know the answer and figuring out why she's asking and addressing that is enough. If my daughter were asking me, I'd ask her what she thinks happens when we die, or when does she think we'll die, etc. Turning the question around on her would might result in her saying something like "Bambi's mama died in the forest and that scared me." Knowing why they're asking always helps me to answer. If they're asking b/c of something they saw on tv, your response might be completely different than if they're asking b/c the neighbor is MIA and they're frightened that the same thing will happen to you. I dunno, I try to be honest with my little and I don't think I shelter her, but I think I'd attempt to give her as little information as she requires if she asked about death. I'd definitely ask him questions in response and go from there so you don't give him more information than he's seeking.

Very good points and very well said.

Maracuya77

My parents bought me a goldfish and had me watch Old Yeller.

I'm still traumatized.

LOL. Old Yeller...good ol' tear jerker....

redheaddee

First, just answer only what he asks. Kids have a great way of asking exactly what they want to know. Don't bog him down with details, simply answer his question. Secondly, buy him a small pet, like a fish or a hamster and wait for nature to take it's course. And yes, I am completely serious. My 5 year old knows because of living on a farm, and it is easier to explain and accept when it is animals and not people. (S/N: farm kids learn about sex sooner for the same reasons.)

TheWiseCat

My little one has been exposed to death from quite an early age... seen pheasants, rabbits ect in their skin when I have brought them back from shooting and watched whilst I skin/gut them.

I think I read about this in a book on how to raise a serial killer...



I'm all for living off the land and teaching kids the same, but there's an age where kids can't properly process what they see and will develop warped perceptions despite your best efforts.

schaapj2

Litraure s often a great way to talk to children about death and dying, as it allows for discussion. More so, it usually is written in a less in-your-face kind of way, to help young children deal with such a difficult subject. Below were the top 5 recommended by Yahoo. Some of these have more religious overtones, others don't. but sometimes regardless of your beliefs, Heaven is a nice notion to suggest kids. As children get older they can either accept or reject that notion, but for small children, it often brings peace and comfort. These were the top 5 books on death and dying geared towards younger children:

Top Five Children's Books About Death and Dying

1. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, A Coloring Book written by Doris Stickney and illustrated by Robin Henderson Nordstrom
This beautifully written book talks about death and what might lie beyond without being overly religious. Using dragonfly larvae and dragonflies as an analogy about what happens when we leave our known world and venture into the unknown this book gives just enough information about what happens when we die without making death something to fear. Children and adults will find comfort in the authors comforting words and beautiful black and white illustrations that are meant to be colored by the reader. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, A Coloring Book is available from Amazon www.amazon.com and retails for $6.50.

2. Gentle Willow: A Story For Children About Dying written by Joyce C. Mills and illustrated by Cary Pillo
This book is written to help children who are dying and their loved ones cope with their impending death. It describes death as a transformation rather than an end. In Gentle Willow a squirrel named Amanda notices her friend willow, a tree, isn't looking very well. She calls in the tree wizards who make Willow feel a little better and more comfortable even though they have to admit that they can't cure her. At first Amanda is angry about losing her friend until the tree wizards explain about memories and how she will always have those of her special friend. The story ends with Amanda comforting her friend and explaining about how death is like the transformation of a caterpillar into a cocoon. The heartfelt text of this book is illustrated with beautiful and comforting watercolor illustrations. Gentle Willow: A Story For Children About Dying is available from Amazon and retails for $9.95.

3. The Next Place written and illustrated by Warren Hanson
The Next Place is a perfect book to read to children who are wondering what happens when a loved one dies. Using beautiful illustrations and moving prose this book explains what the next place is like without being overly religious or scary. The place where our body goes after we die is described as a beautiful and peaceful place where all of our hurts are gone. The Next Place is written for children however in my opinion its a comforting book to share with anyone who is facing death or has had a loved one pass away. The Next Place is available from Amazon and retails for $11.53.


4. The Fall Of Freddie The Leaf written by Leo Buscaglia Ph.D
The Fall of Freddie The Leaf is a great way to talk about the seasons of our lives with children and how at some point each one of us will leave our familiar lives and pass on to another place. Some of us while we are fresh and green, others when they are old and withered. It explains that our passing is just another phase of our lives and how we are all part of something bigger and will live on in the memories of our loved ones. Written in simple language the message of this book is easy to understand and the illustrations are beautiful and really capture the essence of the text. The Fall of Freddie The Leaf is available from Amazon and retails for $11.24 .

5. What's Heaven written by Maria Shriver and illustrated by Sandra Speidel
What's Heaven is written by journalist Maria Shriver in response to her own daughters questions about what happens when a loved one dies. She lovingly answers questions such as why she is so sad, what heaven is, the difference between our bodies and souls and how our loved ones live on through us. The book is beautifully written in simple text that young children can understand and illustrated with lovely pastel drawings. What's Heaven is one of those books that children will want to hear over and over again. What's Heaven is available from Amazon and retails for $10.20 .

The death of a loved one is never an easy subject to talk about no matter how old you are, hopefully my top five books about death and dying will make talking to children about death a little easier for parents and caregivers.

wrentrotter

I can remember having this conversation with my son when he was around that age, first he realised that I was going to die, and then it dawned on him that he would too, I can remember him asking in a frightened little voice "am I going to die too?", and he got quite upset. It's still really vivid in my memory and it was a bit heartbreaking having to explain it really. I did the "don't worry because you are going to live for a very long time" thing too. What else can you say really. I'm not religious either but I did tell him that different people believe different things happen after death and mentioned heaven and reincarnation etc, but that it was all a bit of a mystery and nobody really knows. I also said that everything that lives has to die, it is an experience that everyone will have at some point, but it wasn't something he needed to worry about right now. I think letting them know it's a shared experience that everyone has to go through is comforting somehow.

silvergurl518

I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

I think that about sums it up.

Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

FearAndTrembling

Tell him he's not gonna die and you're not either. He's 3.

coe28

My parents bought me a goldfish and had me watch Old Yeller.

I'm still traumatized.

This explains so much!!

MyChocolateDiet

Isn't that completely normal? I know I'm extremely young and have no experience as a mother but I went through this exact same thing as a child....nothing brings it on. I thought everyone goes through this? Isn't it a just a phase of understanding what death is? As a child you are innocent and completely ignorant to the bad things in the world. The only pain and sorrow you know is bedtime and you're hungry etc. but as you get older and start to realize that life is precious even at a young age with insects and animals....you just start to think. Mine didn't happen that early but as you say he is very bright and I'm assuming his brain just clicked early.

Hope this put your mind at ease a bit.

this part seems important to me in your planned response. don't try to analyze where it "came from" just try to handle it. you've gotten lots of great ideas here from beleivers and non, so i think you have enough to work with. the listed outline was also great for keeping you on track. good luck. (just whatever you do don't say it's like sleeping; the person who said bedtimes will suffer was right.)

luvJOJO

My son's father died two & a half years ago and my son was only 6 years old at the time. It was an extremely hard experience for him and me both. I told him that I believed his dad was always watching over him and that he had the best guardian angel ever (however....this may not work for you because of your beliefs). I remember the whole idea of death bothering me so bad as a child and I worried so much about losing my parents and they just never told me anything to make me at peace at all. I worried constantly. Im my mind, children should have to worry about stuff like that. He honestly seems so at peace with death now. He even asked me one day if I would be his gaurdian angel when I died too, just like his dad is. It kind of shocked me for a minute because of the fact that I couldn't even talk about stuff like that when I was his age. Of course I just smiled and gave him the biggest hug and said, of course I will buddy.

UsedToBeHusky

You know, I can remember having a conversation with my daughter in the 7th grade (not that long ago) about death and the finality of life and she still freaked out.

Death is a heavy and difficult conversation for a parent at any age of the child.

schaskes

You have gotten a lot of good advice...I agree with the main points of "keep it simple" and say what you're comfortable saying. I'm sending a link to Mr. Rogers (you may be too young to know who he was) website. I think you'll find it helpful as well.
http://www.fredrogers.org/FRC/par-death.html

neandermagnon

. I told him we're not going to die for a very long time and that he doesn't need to worry, but I'm not satisfied with that answer. He asked me again last night when we were going to die, so I know this topic is going to come up again soon.

You're right not to be satisfied with that answer, when I was a kid I had a really similar conversation with my mum, and really, that answer did not help at all. It's still going to happen sooner or later, "not for a very long time" doesn't cut it, and 70+ years isn't something a 3 yr old can imagine. a week is "a very long time" for a 3 yr old...

Ask him what he thinks will happen when a person dies. I was really scared of dying when I was a little kid, because I couldn't conceive of consciousness ending. I was told that you die, your body shuts down, your senses don't work and you get buried in the ground... I visualised that as being trapped in a totally lifeless, senseless body, unable to move. My parents didn't want to discuss any of this in depth with me (I think they were totally uncomfortable with it to be honest), so nothing they said really helped to alleviate my fear. If you start with what he thinks will happen, then you may find he's misunderstood something and that misunderstanding is making him anxious, not the idea of actually dying.

I think you need to give some answers.... even if you tell him a whole range of different afterlife beliefs from different cultures and ask him what he believes, rather than you saying "you just die" (this is meaningless to a child who doesn't really understand what "die" means, and may not be able to conceive of consciousness ending). Let him find his own way of understanding it, even if it isn't what you believe. As he gets older he'll change his beliefs, because you're allowing him to hold his own beliefs, not forcing yours upon him. He'll grow up and learn more as he gets older, and come to a more mature understanding of death in his own time. In the meantime, just help him to not be fearful about it.

hbm616

http://www.steventrapp.com/dragonfly-story.htm

This poem/story definitely has some religious undertones (or even overtones) but when I was little I found that the imagery helped after my dad died. Granted I was 10 so I understood death at least as well as any ten year old could but I found comfort in the way the poem present death..

coe28

Tell him he's not gonna die and you're not either. He's 3.

I don't lie to him. I don't always give him the cold, ugly truth about things and I do make my answers age appropriate, but I wouldn't tell him something that simply is not true.

MyChocolateDiet

I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

I think that about sums it up.

Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

i'm glad you were helped by this and am proud the author is on my FL. one word of caution though, with a young child as yours you will need to be brief and hit the highlights of whatever answer you choose. I like Be-leakings answer the best so far for your particular situation and age of your child. simple, to the point, honest, and redirects.