How do you explain death to a child?

sheldonz42

Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.

Debbe2

When they were very young I told them that the people we love go on living forever in our hearts and in our memories. That we are healthy and plan to be around with them as they grow up and for a very long time after that. I never went into a long story but added more and asked more about their feelings as they grew older. BTW my husband and I have 4 nearly grown up children. Death is one of the tougher parenting discussions and trust me most tough issues come up at the strangest times and usually unexpected. :flowerforyou:

raiderzara

I had a 2-year-old who passed away in 2000. His half brothers were quite young at the time (6 and 4). We found some books on the subject especially geared towards children. Do a search on Amazon and you can find some that are not religious. We have this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021

Also, find things your kid is interested in and try to relate it. For example, even if you aren't particularly religious, but still believe that your body is just a shell and doesn't make you YOU, you can relate it to a hermit crab if your kid is interested in animals (when the crab leaves the shell, the crab is still the crab and the shell is just an empty husk). This worked for my extremely bright nephew, who was almost 3 at the time of my son's passing.

I don't believe that kids should be sheltered from death. It's a reality of life. And don't tell him, either, that you aren't going to die for a long, long time...because if, unfortunately, something unforeseen were to happen to a loved one, he would be very mad at you for lying. You can say that ideally, most people don't die until they are very old, but that sometimes people get really sick or hurt so bad that they cannot get better.

This is tough to explain to anyone at any age. Good luck.

starryvagabond

When I was young, the Lion King had just come out and I was very much in love with it. Around this time, my great grandmother died. She was the first person in my life that had died - my first personal experience of death. My mother told me that my great-grandmother was a star now - just like they had mentioned in the Lion King. I saw some people mentioned this already, but it worked for me at that age.

At this age, children are not going to grasp the bigger meaning of death. So giving them a sort of security that those who are gone are still there in some way, it's almost sure to be a comfort.

Juliejustsaying

Well this happened to me..and I made a pact with my youngest son that we wouldn't die until we were both 100 years old. This has a ton of meaning to us, because of our history....

but I have done dog rescue for the last 8 years and we've lost quite a number of dogs...so my boys both know the story of the rainbow bridge...and they take comfort in that...they also have rituals that they perform to remember a dog that passes. Shouting out into the air how much that dog will be missed and loved forever, pictures and talking about memories. They just recently had to attend their step-grandmother's funeral...they wanted to go, they understood it was to honor her and provide and get comfort to the and from the living. I knew they were well ready for the task.

If you don't know the rainbow bridge store, pm me and I'll dig it out for you...it hold very special mean for me as a rescuer, and caregiver in general....and they are the same.

Guisma

Babys dont need honesty , they need reassurement. Think this, if you die, how would u want your baby to deal with it the first years. Do you want him to think you are away and there is no way to reach you , or do you want him to be able to talk to you / (spirit ) when he needs , until he can make it on his own ? Last post , best of luck.

coe28

You guys all have some great answers and I appreciate your responses. I feel a lot better about how I'm going to approach this the next time the topic comes up. Thank you all so much :flowerforyou:

glovepuppet

i told my kids that some people believe in heaven, some in ghosts, some in reincarnation and some in nothing. noboy knows for sure, so what do they like to think might happen?

then i explained how magical science is. that their cells were born in the hearts of stars, billions of years ago, and when they die their cells will go back to the cycle, become a tree or an eagle... maybe one day part of them will be a diamond. nothing really ends.

that we miss the people who are gone, but it all flows in a cycle. if nobody ever died there would be no room for new people to be born. if you want a long, healthy life you can help that to happen by eating well and crossing the road with care.

the main thing is this:

if you seem unafraid, if you talk of it calmly, if your child sees in your face that everything is ok then they will believe it.

twinketta

Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.

I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.

I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.

The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?

Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.

Morninglory81

I have not read all the posts and to be honest I find comfort in my religious beliefs but I feel it is my job as a parent to present my child with all the facts and ideas. It may help that there are many theory's as to what happens. I think it is also important to reassure them that it is natural and not a "bad" thing.
Not sure if I was helpful?

coe28

Babys dont need honesty , they need reassurement. Think this, if you die, how would u want your baby to deal with it the first years. Do you want him to think you are away and there is no way to reach you , or do you want him to be able to talk to you / (spirit ) when he needs , until he can make it on his own ? Last post , best of luck.

I agee, but my son is not a baby. He is a very bright pre-schooler that is very inquisitive.

sweetzoejane

Along with the "Raising Freethinkers" book suggestion, "Parenting Beyond Belief" is also very good.

allisonlane61

I remember the exact moment I found out that people die. My mom played it off like it was no big deal and made it seem like it was so far away for me that it wouldn't even happen. She told me by time I die, I will be good and ready to. This helped big time and I have done the same for my daughter when she came with questions. She seemed okay with that answer and gave me an "Oh, okay".

ETA: I am not an atheist, so the heaven part helps.

I have this exact same memory. My mother told me the same thing and it pacified and relieved me. Regardless of my current personal beliefs, I was not an atheist (nor am I now) when my daughter came to me, and the Heaven part really helped and she's fine even today about it, at 15.

suzieqsmart

It's hard. No way around it. Harder still for us non-believers because we don't have the luxury of saying someone's gone to a better place.

There one thing I'm thinking that you could try, depending on how you think your child would respond to it.

You can say that death is a part of life. All things die and as tragic as it is life wouldn't be as beautiful without death. The fact that our lives are temporary makes them so very special. It means we have to really make the most of the time we have and appreciate the people in our lives while they're there. Give him an example of a toy he loves but rarely plays with, now tell him you're going to take the toy away forever. He really wants to play with that toy now, doesn't he? That is what makes the temporary nature of our lives so special. If we existed forever things wouldn't really matter so much now would they?

Just a thought. Nothing makes it easy. But it's obvious you're doing the best you can. Good luck to you.

I like this, combined with the whole "circle of life" part on how we come back to make more things in life beautiful. I think it's a good way to explain to a child in such a way that it isn't frightening. No matter what you say, I'm sure you'll work through it. You're clearly a good mom and your little guy trusts in you to be honest with him. Those are very important positives, regardless how negative the situation might appear.

digitalbill

If I were religous, that would be the direction I'd go too.

The thing is, if you were religious, your answer would have been exactly the same.
I hope this thread doesn't get locked down for this and if it does, I do apoligise in advance.

Ecc 9:5 _ For the living are conscious that they will die but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all....

Gen 3:19 _ ....For dust you are and to dust you will return.

Basically, it is likened to simply going to sleep and never waking up again.

HopefulLeigh

Mufasa: Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.
Young Simba: But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
Mufasa: Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.

calibriintx

Lots of great advice here. My daughter is 3 and when she asks questions that have answers that might be too big for her, or tough for me to explain, I like to answer with a question. Sometimes she doesn't necessarily need to know the answer and figuring out why she's asking and addressing that is enough. If my daughter were asking me, I'd ask her what she thinks happens when we die, or when does she think we'll die, etc. Turning the question around on her would might result in her saying something like "Bambi's mama died in the forest and that scared me." Knowing why they're asking always helps me to answer. If they're asking b/c of something they saw on tv, your response might be completely different than if they're asking b/c the neighbor is MIA and they're frightened that the same thing will happen to you. I dunno, I try to be honest with my little and I don't think I shelter her, but I think I'd attempt to give her as little information as she requires if she asked about death. I'd definitely ask him questions in response and go from there so you don't give him more information than he's seeking.

Guisma

english is my second language im portuguese, baby is what we call a kid until he is like 6

MyChocolateDiet

The only way I could respond would reference my religion heavily. I have no clue how I would handle it in your situation. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help any.

Ditto.

coe28

I had a 2-year-old who passed away in 2000. His half brothers were quite young at the time (6 and 4). We found some books on the subject especially geared towards children. Do a search on Amazon and you can find some that are not religious. We have this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021

Also, find things your kid is interested in and try to relate it. For example, even if you aren't particularly religious, but still believe that your body is just a shell and doesn't make you YOU, you can relate it to a hermit crab if your kid is interested in animals (when the crab leaves the shell, the crab is still the crab and the shell is just an empty husk). This worked for my extremely bright nephew, who was almost 3 at the time of my son's passing.

I don't believe that kids should be sheltered from death. It's a reality of life. And don't tell him, either, that you aren't going to die for a long, long time...because if, unfortunately, something unforeseen were to happen to a loved one, he would be very mad at you for lying. You can say that ideally, most people don't die until they are very old, but that sometimes people get really sick or hurt so bad that they cannot get better.

This is tough to explain to anyone at any age. Good luck.

I am so, so sorry I can't even imagine...
I agree with you very much, thank you!

Maracuya77

The only way I could respond would reference my religion heavily. I have no clue how I would handle it in your situation. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help any.

What he said....

placeboaddiction

My wife and I are atheist. The kids are kind of christian.

We are kind of a darker family. I mean, our household is full of optimism. Really happy family.. but we are dark in the sense that we just kind of talk about death equal to birth. Explain that we all are born, and we all will die. They have a game of identifying which musicians are dead and alive. My son was floored that queen's Freddie Mercury is dead. My kids are 3,5 and 9. The 3 year old doesn't inquire much, but when she does we just explain it. She doesn't understand it. We just always just to make it a natural thing, a thing not to be scared of, but a thing to live every day to its fullest.

I also explain we need death to get the outdated ideologies out. I explain we live forever through our memories. That I pass onto them a piece of me, etc. And that we all live forever and are all connected by this. They don't get it mostly, but as long as we keep this up and open this communication up, we can pass on our wisdom.

chunkydunk714

If I were religous, that would be the direction I'd go too.

I did ask him where it was coming from, and he kept just saying "I don't know." Next time he asks me (and hopefully it will be more of a casual conversation than as upset as he was this time) I will try harder to figure out what is bringing it up. During that particular conversation, I was about in tears myself. Kids cry all the time, but when it's one of those cries where you can tell they are truly upset or hurting it's pretty heart breaking.

Just thinking about my little one.....ugh, now im tearing up.

coe28

Lots of great advice here. My daughter is 3 and when she asks questions that have answers that might be too big for her, or tough for me to explain, I like to answer with a question. Sometimes she doesn't necessarily need to know the answer and figuring out why she's asking and addressing that is enough. If my daughter were asking me, I'd ask her what she thinks happens when we die, or when does she think we'll die, etc. Turning the question around on her would might result in her saying something like "Bambi's mama died in the forest and that scared me." Knowing why they're asking always helps me to answer. If they're asking b/c of something they saw on tv, your response might be completely different than if they're asking b/c the neighbor is MIA and they're frightened that the same thing will happen to you. I dunno, I try to be honest with my little and I don't think I shelter her, but I think I'd attempt to give her as little information as she requires if she asked about death. I'd definitely ask him questions in response and go from there so you don't give him more information than he's seeking.

Very good points and very well said.

Maracuya77

My parents bought me a goldfish and had me watch Old Yeller.

I'm still traumatized.

LOL. Old Yeller...good ol' tear jerker....

redheaddee

First, just answer only what he asks. Kids have a great way of asking exactly what they want to know. Don't bog him down with details, simply answer his question. Secondly, buy him a small pet, like a fish or a hamster and wait for nature to take it's course. And yes, I am completely serious. My 5 year old knows because of living on a farm, and it is easier to explain and accept when it is animals and not people. (S/N: farm kids learn about sex sooner for the same reasons.)

TheWiseCat

My little one has been exposed to death from quite an early age... seen pheasants, rabbits ect in their skin when I have brought them back from shooting and watched whilst I skin/gut them.

I think I read about this in a book on how to raise a serial killer...



I'm all for living off the land and teaching kids the same, but there's an age where kids can't properly process what they see and will develop warped perceptions despite your best efforts.

schaapj2

Litraure s often a great way to talk to children about death and dying, as it allows for discussion. More so, it usually is written in a less in-your-face kind of way, to help young children deal with such a difficult subject. Below were the top 5 recommended by Yahoo. Some of these have more religious overtones, others don't. but sometimes regardless of your beliefs, Heaven is a nice notion to suggest kids. As children get older they can either accept or reject that notion, but for small children, it often brings peace and comfort. These were the top 5 books on death and dying geared towards younger children:

Top Five Children's Books About Death and Dying

1. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, A Coloring Book written by Doris Stickney and illustrated by Robin Henderson Nordstrom
This beautifully written book talks about death and what might lie beyond without being overly religious. Using dragonfly larvae and dragonflies as an analogy about what happens when we leave our known world and venture into the unknown this book gives just enough information about what happens when we die without making death something to fear. Children and adults will find comfort in the authors comforting words and beautiful black and white illustrations that are meant to be colored by the reader. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, A Coloring Book is available from Amazon www.amazon.com and retails for $6.50.

2. Gentle Willow: A Story For Children About Dying written by Joyce C. Mills and illustrated by Cary Pillo
This book is written to help children who are dying and their loved ones cope with their impending death. It describes death as a transformation rather than an end. In Gentle Willow a squirrel named Amanda notices her friend willow, a tree, isn't looking very well. She calls in the tree wizards who make Willow feel a little better and more comfortable even though they have to admit that they can't cure her. At first Amanda is angry about losing her friend until the tree wizards explain about memories and how she will always have those of her special friend. The story ends with Amanda comforting her friend and explaining about how death is like the transformation of a caterpillar into a cocoon. The heartfelt text of this book is illustrated with beautiful and comforting watercolor illustrations. Gentle Willow: A Story For Children About Dying is available from Amazon and retails for $9.95.

3. The Next Place written and illustrated by Warren Hanson
The Next Place is a perfect book to read to children who are wondering what happens when a loved one dies. Using beautiful illustrations and moving prose this book explains what the next place is like without being overly religious or scary. The place where our body goes after we die is described as a beautiful and peaceful place where all of our hurts are gone. The Next Place is written for children however in my opinion its a comforting book to share with anyone who is facing death or has had a loved one pass away. The Next Place is available from Amazon and retails for $11.53.


4. The Fall Of Freddie The Leaf written by Leo Buscaglia Ph.D
The Fall of Freddie The Leaf is a great way to talk about the seasons of our lives with children and how at some point each one of us will leave our familiar lives and pass on to another place. Some of us while we are fresh and green, others when they are old and withered. It explains that our passing is just another phase of our lives and how we are all part of something bigger and will live on in the memories of our loved ones. Written in simple language the message of this book is easy to understand and the illustrations are beautiful and really capture the essence of the text. The Fall of Freddie The Leaf is available from Amazon and retails for $11.24 .

5. What's Heaven written by Maria Shriver and illustrated by Sandra Speidel
What's Heaven is written by journalist Maria Shriver in response to her own daughters questions about what happens when a loved one dies. She lovingly answers questions such as why she is so sad, what heaven is, the difference between our bodies and souls and how our loved ones live on through us. The book is beautifully written in simple text that young children can understand and illustrated with lovely pastel drawings. What's Heaven is one of those books that children will want to hear over and over again. What's Heaven is available from Amazon and retails for $10.20 .

The death of a loved one is never an easy subject to talk about no matter how old you are, hopefully my top five books about death and dying will make talking to children about death a little easier for parents and caregivers.

wrentrotter

I can remember having this conversation with my son when he was around that age, first he realised that I was going to die, and then it dawned on him that he would too, I can remember him asking in a frightened little voice "am I going to die too?", and he got quite upset. It's still really vivid in my memory and it was a bit heartbreaking having to explain it really. I did the "don't worry because you are going to live for a very long time" thing too. What else can you say really. I'm not religious either but I did tell him that different people believe different things happen after death and mentioned heaven and reincarnation etc, but that it was all a bit of a mystery and nobody really knows. I also said that everything that lives has to die, it is an experience that everyone will have at some point, but it wasn't something he needed to worry about right now. I think letting them know it's a shared experience that everyone has to go through is comforting somehow.

silvergurl518

I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

I think that about sums it up.

Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.