Family sabbotaging you?

beyondjupiter

Mini rant here.

My Mom (who is also overweight and diabetic but supposedly trying to lose weight) keeps bringing me my favorite candy, milkshakes, ice cream... I mean this list goes on and on. I don't eat any of it but it is SO frustrating!! I'm really stressed out with finals in college right now and she brings me home a freaking milkshake. Tonight is the hardest time I have had to just decline it.

Does anyone else deal with this??

Jen

Etienne54

My dad's a cook. Tries to sabotage me with his delicious meals.. keeping it strong.

amandacliguori

I dont deal with that exactly - but I do have a husband that is "trying" to do the diet with me - but he cheats. I am on a pretty strict diet and so I have given myself a "cheat day" - and the entire household knows about it - so, when they cheat I just stay strong (which is very difficult). But maybe just confront your mom and tell her your cheat day - or set a goal for your self and once you reach it have a little treat. That is honestly the ONLY way I can stick to a diet because If not, I would give up! I hope this helps! Good luck & Props to you for having the will power to say no!

laele75

God, not this again.

NOBODY IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU. Your mother is not out to get you (at least I hope she isn't), but just bringing you home treats is not sabotage. You are stressing over finals. She probably thought you deserved the treat.

This is true of anyone who loves and cares about you unless you have definitive proof or they are constantly trying to force bad food down your throat. Where is all this paranoia coming from anyway?

fitfreakymom

My husband do's not anymore and my side of the family are health nuts so no, if anything my mom would be thrilled if I cut out sugar.

beyondjupiter

God, not this again.

Didn't realize this was a "thing". No need for the aggravation or annoyance. I was just looking for some opinions, experience, and support.

I know I make my own choices. I don't have a great relationship with my Mom. She has treated me poorly and tried to make it up with food all of my life. Hence, I am sure one of the reasons why I have such a poor relationship with food.

Did I say it was her fault? No. I was just curious how other people dealt with it. I have told her before how I felt about it, she doesn't really care. I assume it is some programmed habit, upset your daughter? Buy her chocolate!

Thanks for the snarky response though.

Thank you to the others for your similar experiences. It helps.

Jen

conflictedlikethe5thdimension

i know. my dad loves to bring home fast food and pizza!. tonight was costco pizza. i also have lil brothers so snacks/sweets can be easy access you are not alone.

lobo_a_gogo

God, not this again.

NOBODY IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU. Your mother is not out to get you (at least I hope she isn't), but just bringing you home treats is not sabotage. You are stressing over finals. She probably thought you deserved the treat.

This is true of anyone who loves and cares about you unless you have definitive proof or they are constantly trying to force bad food down your throat. Where is all this paranoia coming from anyway?

Jeez that's a lot of anger.

It may not be intentional sabotage, but as long as she's already asked her mom not to bring her these things, it is a little rude and suggests that her mother doesn't want her making these healthy choices.

For example, if your friend is an alcoholic in recovery, and you're well aware of this, and still bring him/her a six pack, it is a sort of sabotage. Yes, it is his/her choice whether or not to drink it, but clearly you're not respecting his/her decision to stop drinking...

Just my two cents on it...

laele75

That was not snark. I can be snarky if you want.

It is a thing, especially with women. The other day some woman posted that her husband was trying to sabotage her diet by bringing her brownies. Turns out he bought them for himself and just offered them to her because he was being nice like the well trained husband he was.

I would suggest actually talking to your mother about your issues with her as opposed to coming online and ranting to strangers, giving them the partial story and then being offended when they suggest you might be overreacting.

brenn24179

I think it is mean of your Mom to bring home high calorie stuff if she knows you are trying to lose weight. My gosh, you need her support not her making it hard on you. Please tell her that!

conflictedlikethe5thdimension

my mom eats pretty healthy unlike my dad. Try telling them healthy alternatives you like .(since it sounds like she's trying to cheer you up with food, let her know the food you like that makes you feel good AND good for you) i tell my parents i like yogurt. anything dannon light and fit. weis quality apple pie yogurt. and youplait dessert flavors. .

cjcmrn

totally agree. If she rewards and encourages you with food, then give her ideas that are healthy like cut up strawberries with kiwi or yogurt.

YoungDoc2B

The word "sabotage" is thrown about wayyyyy too freely on these boards...

beyondjupiter

I would suggest actually talking to your mother about your issues with her as opposed to coming online and ranting to strangers, giving them the partial story and then being offended when they suggest you might be overreacting.

You are very assumptive. I have talked to her about it. I wasn't trying to go into the psychology of the relationship with my Mom. I was trying to see if others had to deal with the same thing.

Please tell her that!

Thank you, Brenn. I have. It just doesn't work. Hence, my frustration :grumble: It would be sweet if it was just a "here I was thinking of you" random thing that happened but it is all of the time. I told her I lost 9 lbs so far and she responded by bringing me a king size Reese's. I am just not sure if she doesn't get it, if it is some programmed behavior, or she generally wants me to be overweight with her.

Just my two cents on it...

Thank you lobo. Thank is actually a very good analogy as my husband is a recovering alcoholic. I had to have a talk with him and some therapy about his choice of friends who just didn't get that you can't bring a 6-pack over when you friend is going to AA.

since it sounds like she's trying to cheer you up with food, let her know the food you like that makes you feel good AND good for you

Thank you, conflicted. That is actually a good idea. Especially if it is the "programmed" avenue I am thinking about, that may be worth a try. That is something I haven't tried yet.

Jen

KAYRRIE

Mini rant here.

My Mom (who is also overweight and diabetic but supposedly trying to lose weight) keeps bringing me my favorite candy, milkshakes, ice cream... I mean this list goes on and on. I don't eat any of it but it is SO frustrating!! I'm really stressed out with finals in college right now and she brings me home a freaking milkshake. Tonight is the hardest time I have had to just decline it.

Does anyone else deal with this??

Jen

Try giving your mom some ideas as to what you would love for her to suprise you with. A fruit bow, a nice salad, etc. Hopefully she gets the point.

beyondjupiter

The word "sabotage" is thrown about wayyyyy too freely on these boards...

Maybe it was too strong of a word but it's how I feel so I used it.

Not an excuse either. I gave the milkshake to my brother-in-law, so point for me, I guess.

Jen

Sharkington

Have you actually confronted her about this in a conversation? Sometimes you just have to be firm about it. Just tell her strait up that you do not want her to bring you any treats and that you will not be eating it if she still brings it home. I doubt it won't take her long to realize it's a waste of money, at the very least.

EDIT: nevermind, I saw you had from your other post. And it is a pretty good assumption anyway since a lot of people who post about sabotage usually haven't sat down and talked to whomever it is that brings them food. No need to get defensive towards people trying to help you. :flowerforyou:

ddky

God, not this again.

NOBODY IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU. Your mother is not out to get you (at least I hope she isn't), but just bringing you home treats is not sabotage. You are stressing over finals. She probably thought you deserved the treat.

This is true of anyone who loves and cares about you unless you have definitive proof or they are constantly trying to force bad food down your throat. Where is all this paranoia coming from anyway?

Geeeez

brooke_young08

I'm guessing (since I don't know you) that food is what typically brings the family together. Mom might be feeling left out of your new healthy lifestyle (even if she's been invited) or possibly afraid of how your relationship will change now that you are eating differently. Some people have emotions attached to eating and food that really shouldn't be there.

I know it's tough, and I totally give you props for resisting, but just hang in there and do what you do :happy: We are here for you!

laele75

I would suggest actually talking to your mother about your issues with her as opposed to coming online and ranting to strangers, giving them the partial story and then being offended when they suggest you might be overreacting.

You are very assumptive. I have talked to her about it. I wasn't trying to go into the psychology of the relationship with my Mom. I was trying to see if others had to deal with the same thing.

No, I am very blunt and straightforward. I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills. All of us deal with this. One milkshake is not going to ruin your weight loss journey. It may well be your mother was falling back into that old habit. Instead of being paranoid and bitter, maybe take the gesture as it was intended?

You seem very defensive to me. Yes, I was very direct. But when you post something on a public forum, you cannot automatically expect everyone to agree with you or coddle you. Some of us will tell you when we feel you are being unreasonable.

beyondjupiter

I'm guessing (since I don't know you) that food is what typically brings the family together. Mom might be feeling left out of your new healthy lifestyle (even if she's been invited) or possibly afraid of how your relationship will change now that you are eating differently. Some people have emotions attached to eating and food that really shouldn't be there.

I know it's tough, and I totally give you props for resisting, but just hang in there and do what you do :happy: We are here for you!

Thank you so much for this. It was really helpful and you bring up good points. I know I definitely have emotional attachments to food and I know I learned it from her. So maybe I can try a different approach in talking with her about it.

Jen

jkleon86

I understand what you are feeling. IT IS NOT JUST IN MY HEAD!!!! When I get serious about loosing a few as long as I keep it a secret I do fine but as soon as my husband notices and it doesn't take long that is when he all the sudden want to go eat at the places I like when he has been boycotting them for one reason or another.. People DO try to sabotage your efforts!! And I know I give up to quick because I know he won't until I do.

lachesissss

Talk to your mom about it. Seriously. Communication is really helpful in making people understand your goals and how you want to achieve them. Also, think of it as a personal test - if you can say no, you are reinforcing that commitment within yourself to your own goals, and therefore making them a priority for you. Good Luck!

beyondjupiter

I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills.

I have pretty straight forward and direct communication skills. It is probably all the customer service work over the years or therapy :bigsmile:

fightingthefood

My family doesn't try to sabotage me but where I have always had a problem with excess weight my wife has a hard time gaining or keeping from losing weight. So in order to keep her at her regular 95lbs. it seems like all I do is cook. The wife works at a hospital and even the doctors look at the amount of food she eats and say they can't understand why she's not as big as a barn. And sometimes it takes all I can to stick with my diet.

willdob3

We are the only ones that can sabotage us. No matter what happens or who tries to get us to eat whatever, the bottom line is that what we eat is still our choice.

I just say no thanks. When that doesn't work I repeat myself. Repeatedly, if necessary.

Most of us have histories of dieting briefly, then caving and eating junk again. Our friends & families have seen this. Why would they think this time is different? We have to show them that this time is different. Saying it won't convince them. They've heard it before.

lobo_a_gogo

I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills.

I have pretty straight forward and direct communication skills. It is probably all the customer service work over the years or therapy :bigsmile:

Here's the thing: you can communicate assertively all you want (and good for you if its your choice of communication style, its definitely the best one) but some times/ some people just don't handle it well. Telling your mom "I appreciate you trying to bring me a treat for my hard work, but you know I've committed to making a lifestyle change, and when you bring me unhealthy snacks I feel like you're not respecting my choices." and that's awesome, but she may not respect it, or be angry or confused by it.

I agree that you can only control your own behavior (i.e. if you chose to eat the snack, if you flipped out at your mom or were passive and didn't tell her to stop), but if you made it clear about your choice, and she knows you feel disrespected and she still chooses to do it, that's pretty ****ty.

I agree that a lot of the critics on this thread are making unfair assumptions about how you've handled the situation.

LastBreathChess

I just started my diet three days ago and no all of a sudden my dad bought donuts and offered me an "apple fritter pie". I dont know if he was just testing me or sabotaging me. By the way, whats a good snack food? I get the munchies and it's killing me not to grab the nearest bag of chips or some other unhealthy food.

bhdon

I can see how there are times it's misunderstood as sabotage, and is really a genuine effort to do something intended to be loving and thoughtful. I'm also aware, unfortunately, that there are also some folks, who, for whatever reason, feel insecure or threatened when they see the ones they love changing, even if it's for the better. Maybe a fear that somehow the new you will change too much and move away. I think the best thing to do is have compassion either way, be open, honest and respectfully clear about what is most helpful for you, and just stick with your program.

beyondjupiter

I understand what you are feeling. IT IS NOT JUST IN MY HEAD!!!!

Glad I am not alone. One of my friends posted on my profile in response to this and she feels similarly to the way we both do. However, the more I think about it, my friends are I would go on diets when we were teens and then enable each other to not feel guilty about binging. I suppose it is not too far from that, just one person is saying no.

Saying it won't convince them. They've heard it before.

Ahh, very good point I hadn't though of. My husband even said that, though he is extremely supportive. He was just like "you've said this before, I'll believe it when I see it" kind of attitude.

And sometimes it takes all I can to stick with my diet.

Wow! I admire your strength, fighting. I cook different food for my family than what I eat right now (otherwise the kids would starve and go on a hunger strike lol) but I find that easier to deal with than my weaknesses such as sweet. But I have a friend whose weakness is steak, it is different for everybody.

Jen

Brownsbacker4evr

My fam don't sabotage me, but they don't make it very easy. They tend to buy food that isn't so great, and some fast food here and there. I tend to buy my own meals, so I don't have to worry about it, but there is usally always some kind of junk food around the house which is usually not mine.