Family sabbotaging you?

jkleon86

I understand what you are feeling. IT IS NOT JUST IN MY HEAD!!!! When I get serious about loosing a few as long as I keep it a secret I do fine but as soon as my husband notices and it doesn't take long that is when he all the sudden want to go eat at the places I like when he has been boycotting them for one reason or another.. People DO try to sabotage your efforts!! And I know I give up to quick because I know he won't until I do.

lachesissss

Talk to your mom about it. Seriously. Communication is really helpful in making people understand your goals and how you want to achieve them. Also, think of it as a personal test - if you can say no, you are reinforcing that commitment within yourself to your own goals, and therefore making them a priority for you. Good Luck!

beyondjupiter

I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills.

I have pretty straight forward and direct communication skills. It is probably all the customer service work over the years or therapy :bigsmile:

fightingthefood

My family doesn't try to sabotage me but where I have always had a problem with excess weight my wife has a hard time gaining or keeping from losing weight. So in order to keep her at her regular 95lbs. it seems like all I do is cook. The wife works at a hospital and even the doctors look at the amount of food she eats and say they can't understand why she's not as big as a barn. And sometimes it takes all I can to stick with my diet.

willdob3

We are the only ones that can sabotage us. No matter what happens or who tries to get us to eat whatever, the bottom line is that what we eat is still our choice.

I just say no thanks. When that doesn't work I repeat myself. Repeatedly, if necessary.

Most of us have histories of dieting briefly, then caving and eating junk again. Our friends & families have seen this. Why would they think this time is different? We have to show them that this time is different. Saying it won't convince them. They've heard it before.

lobo_a_gogo

I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills.

I have pretty straight forward and direct communication skills. It is probably all the customer service work over the years or therapy :bigsmile:

Here's the thing: you can communicate assertively all you want (and good for you if its your choice of communication style, its definitely the best one) but some times/ some people just don't handle it well. Telling your mom "I appreciate you trying to bring me a treat for my hard work, but you know I've committed to making a lifestyle change, and when you bring me unhealthy snacks I feel like you're not respecting my choices." and that's awesome, but she may not respect it, or be angry or confused by it.

I agree that you can only control your own behavior (i.e. if you chose to eat the snack, if you flipped out at your mom or were passive and didn't tell her to stop), but if you made it clear about your choice, and she knows you feel disrespected and she still chooses to do it, that's pretty ****ty.

I agree that a lot of the critics on this thread are making unfair assumptions about how you've handled the situation.

LastBreathChess

I just started my diet three days ago and no all of a sudden my dad bought donuts and offered me an "apple fritter pie". I dont know if he was just testing me or sabotaging me. By the way, whats a good snack food? I get the munchies and it's killing me not to grab the nearest bag of chips or some other unhealthy food.

bhdon

I can see how there are times it's misunderstood as sabotage, and is really a genuine effort to do something intended to be loving and thoughtful. I'm also aware, unfortunately, that there are also some folks, who, for whatever reason, feel insecure or threatened when they see the ones they love changing, even if it's for the better. Maybe a fear that somehow the new you will change too much and move away. I think the best thing to do is have compassion either way, be open, honest and respectfully clear about what is most helpful for you, and just stick with your program.

beyondjupiter

I understand what you are feeling. IT IS NOT JUST IN MY HEAD!!!!

Glad I am not alone. One of my friends posted on my profile in response to this and she feels similarly to the way we both do. However, the more I think about it, my friends are I would go on diets when we were teens and then enable each other to not feel guilty about binging. I suppose it is not too far from that, just one person is saying no.

Saying it won't convince them. They've heard it before.

Ahh, very good point I hadn't though of. My husband even said that, though he is extremely supportive. He was just like "you've said this before, I'll believe it when I see it" kind of attitude.

And sometimes it takes all I can to stick with my diet.

Wow! I admire your strength, fighting. I cook different food for my family than what I eat right now (otherwise the kids would starve and go on a hunger strike lol) but I find that easier to deal with than my weaknesses such as sweet. But I have a friend whose weakness is steak, it is different for everybody.

Jen

Brownsbacker4evr

My fam don't sabotage me, but they don't make it very easy. They tend to buy food that isn't so great, and some fast food here and there. I tend to buy my own meals, so I don't have to worry about it, but there is usally always some kind of junk food around the house which is usually not mine.

beyondjupiter

By the way, whats a good snack food?

I personally like whole raw almonds but those can get away from you quickly too. I try to stick with fruit, nuts, and seeds most of the time.

Maybe a fear that somehow the new you will change too much and move away.

I really think you hit the nail on the head there. My Mom is very co-dependent... like crossing boundaries and unhealthily so. So, this is actually a pretty accurate point. It seems like no matter how I approach it or talk to her about it just doesn't seem to stick or she just doesn't seem to understand.

Jen

jacklis

I think you've received some pretty solid support here, but wanted to pipe up and say that I recognize your dilemma and there are a couple people in my family that it took a very long time for them to change their behavior. Looking back I did feel that the lack of support was sabotage at the time. Now I see that although I had finally made a lifelong commitment they had not reached that stage of MY journey with me yet. Eventually they began to demonstrate different food choices around me and I made sure to recognize that verbally and thank them to reinforce the decisions. So hang in there and hopefully your mom will join you on your path soon.

dad106

You know, it is possible to eat half of something and put the rest away for later.. nothing says you have to eat it all in one sitting.

Plus, if your being this restrictive early on, the diet is not going to work long term. This is a lifestyle change.. and most lifestyles include junk.

777twist

I see a lot of people here saying it shouldn't be a problem and your mom isn't trying to sabotage you, yet in the same breath they are saying that maybe she doesn't know how to connect with your new healthy lifestyle, so she brings in food that may temp you. So first off, that does sound like sabotage to me. Maybe she like's her little fat girl, and that's fine for her. Parents are probably 90% the reason america is soooo FAT.

Plus, unless these people live with other people who do these kinds of things, I don't think they should really be talking. If someone was trying to quit cigarettes, but a family member always smoked around them, it would be a lot harder to quit.

I was a fatter kid, but I personally liked good foods like vegetables and I didn't like foods like cheese. But my parents and relatives always push foods on you. "Try this" "Just taste it, you will like it" or the "you better finish your plate" Would those not be considered sabotage... is it only sabotage if it's preplanned? Like, "I'm gonna make our kids so fat."

I remember when I dieted back in the day, I told my mother and father, who didn't drink a lot of soda, that if they bought it, I would throw it out. Now, that's not to say they can't have the foods they enjoy, we are going to all have to show some restraint and not eat something just because it's in the house. But I gave my sister crap for giving me Twizzlers and Reese Cups for Easter... I'm like WTF!

So I feel for your struggles... and you may just need to sit your mom down and say, "YOU ARE KILLING ME." Reference your doctor, say I'm unhealthy and I may not out live you. Say, "I'm not saying you can't have some comfort foods in the house that you enjoy, but "just think about me when you buy," so maybe you don't buy a dozen doughnuts, maybe you get a half dozen."

But there is going to be a will power component on your end. I ate 80% of that bag of Twizzlers when we got back from dinner... gave the rest of them away. I still have the Reese Cups in my frig, I haven't touched them. Actually, I kind of like having them in there, as it's almost like a test for me. I could break down and eat them one day... that would be a failure, but hey... maybe 3 months will go by before I do... so that's also kind of a win.

Stay strong... don't let the haters hate. Good luck.

bhdon

We are the only ones that can sabotage us. No matter what happens or who tries to get us to eat whatever, the bottom line is that what we eat is still our choice.

Love this !

beyondjupiter

I see a lot of people here saying it shouldn't be a problem and your mom isn't trying to sabotage you, yet in the same breath they are saying that maybe she doesn't know how to connect with your new healthy lifestyle, so she brings in food that may temp you. So first off, that does sound like sabotage to me. Maybe she like's her little fat girl, and that's fine for her. Parents are probably 90% the reason america is soooo FAT.

Plus, unless these people live with other people who do these kinds of things, I don't think they should really be talking. If someone was trying to quit cigarettes, but a family member always smoked around them, it would be a lot harder to quit.

I was a fatter kid, but I personally liked good foods like vegetables and I didn't like foods like cheese. But my parents and relatives always push foods on you. "Try this" "Just taste it, you will like it" or the "you better finish your plate" Would those not be considered sabotage... is it only sabotage if it's preplanned? Like, "I'm gonna make our kids so fat."

I remember when I dieted back in the day, I told my mother and father, who didn't drink a lot of soda, that if they bought it, I would throw it out. Now, that's not to say they can't have the foods they enjoy, we are going to all have to show some restraint and not eat something just because it's in the house. But I gave my sister crap for giving me Twizzlers and Reese Cups for Easter... I'm like WTF!

So I feel for your struggles... and you may just need to sit your mom down and say, "YOU ARE KILLING ME." Reference your doctor, say I'm unhealthy and I may not out live you. Say, "I'm not saying you can't have some comfort foods in the house that you enjoy, but "just think about me when you buy," so maybe you don't buy a dozen doughnuts, maybe you get a half dozen."

But there is going to be a will power component on your end. I ate 80% of that bag of Twizzlers when we got back from dinner... gave the rest of them away. I still have the Reese Cups in my frig, I haven't touched them. Actually, I kind of like having them in there, as it's almost like a test for me. I could break down and eat them one day... that would be a failure, but hey... maybe 3 months will go by before I do... so that's also kind of a win.

Stay strong... don't let the haters hate. Good luck.

Wow, 777, you really just got it. Thank you so much. This was above and beyond helpful and made me feel a lot better. This thread was totally worth making just for this post. Thank you so so much. Also, I love the ending. I still do have the candy she has been bringing me sitting the in the fridge and I see every day and I just pass it up. You put a whole different positive twist on it. I seriously want to go on and on but just thank you. :flowerforyou:

Jen

SteelySunshine

So many people are so much nicer than I am. I really do make an effort to communicate with people. But, I only have so much patience. I would explain things to my mother once or twice, three times if I am very patient. But, on about the fourth time she brought me something that wasn't in my food plan it would go in the garbage right in front of her.

I am not saying that is what a person should do. It's just what I would do and probably why I have a rep.

SZY0006

My situation was a little different. When I was in college, I lived with my family for a bit to save money for an apartment. During that eight month period I lost about 40 pounds through strict dieting. I never felt like they were trying to sabotage me, though. It was more that they were living their lives without any changes and I had made a big change to mine. So my mom would still cook big, unhealthy meals, and my dad and brother would eat heaping platefuls. They didn't do it on purpose; they just weren't dieting and weren't thinking about the fact that I was. I never really brought it up to my mom. Instead I'd eat maybe half of a portion of her food and fill myself up with fruits or veggies instead.

rosiereally2

The naysayers can deny it if they will, but it happens. I've seen it happen to friends of mine, one by her own husband.

You can try speaking to your mom, but she'll probably just act all hurt or defensive. I would just keep ignoring it as you have been. Every time you say "no" to temptation, you are merely strengthening your own resolve. Turn it into a personal challenge!

And whatever you do: try not to take it personally. Her actions say more about how she feels about herself than how she feels about you. Just keep doing your thing.

Robin_Anne

There are a couple of things at play. First off, no one on this thread needs to invalidate your feelings. They're real and perfectly valid. We all have points of view. That's being human. You don't have to justify or rationalize. Basically it sounds like you felt betrayal or a lack of trust with whether your mom had the best intentions. It's probably a mix, if you will.

1. Habits and conditioning: As a society (from the 1950s), food has been paired with emotions or celebration...."comfort food." This has been done through advertising and not paradoxically, society has increased in size. Before, food was just food. So, unconsciously, we all attribute getting a treat as something nice (like a present) during times of stress. Also, sweet food increases serotonin levels in the brain (happy).

So, back to you: your mom knows your studying (possibly stressed) and wants to alleviate the stress because she loves you and your her little girl. So, she distorts comfort with giving you fattening and sweet food. Also, she hasn't had years of seeing you eat healthy food where she would know, "oh, yes, that's her favorite fruit, let me get some."

It's like having a friend who is suddenly gluten free or on a cave man diet and you're supposed to pick a restaurant. Most of us would have a question mark in our heads. And, if she is not following her diabetic diet and isn't educated with health knowledge, she probably just down shifts to what SHE would like as a treat/gift.

Basically, it's not personal but this gives you an opportunity to spell out how she can show her love and in what ways it will mean the most. Maybe scrap the food gifts altogether and ask for a beauty treat from now on, like a bottle of nail polish.