Eloping, incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish?
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Young... well, I have to say that's not the only consideration. My impression is more that many marriages fail because the two folks involved didn't really know each other very well, didn't have enough common ground, or didn't have similar ideas of what marriage should be like. Maybe that's a maturity issue, or maybe it's as much a communication issue as anything. I was 22 when we got married. We've certainly had a couple of rough patches, but we were committed to each other and the marriage and brought it back to a place we both wanted to be. Involving God and examining your compatibility and commitment before taking the plunge is smart and a good step toward making a lasting partnership.
I don't know if you'd call what we did eloping or not. I wanted a small wedding (in terms of guest list) but with the trimmings. I REALLY wanted to get married in a Fay Jones designed chapel. But we had no money and very little time because we spent so much time working at multiple low-paying jobs. And then my husband-to-be started working away from home for all but a very few days a month, making planning how to carefully spend what money we could put into a wedding on things that would please both of us. In trying to figure out how we could resolve this on one of his 72-hour breaks, we wound up getting married at the courthouse by the JP with little notice to friends. Family wasn't local. No friends made it to witness the wedding. Spent our last $25 on the license, went out to lunch at a nice restaurant (paid on a credit card), and then took a nap that afternoon because he had to report for work (and to leave town) at 10:30 that night. Was it the wedding I wanted? Not really. Did I get the husband I wanted? It's been 24 years and I'm happy to be his wife still, so yes, I think so. At first we said we'd do up a nice ceremony for a vow renewal down the road. But at 10 years, I was pregnant. And at 15 years, I was pregnant. Now? It's not so important. I'd rather have some quiet downtime alone with him than a ceremony with beautiful trappings, friends, and family. A camping trip for the two of us sounds awesome... but then years and fiscal practicality have tempered my feelings on the subject.
To your point on family participation... in my case, I think my parents were fine with it, if a little shocked. My husband's dad heard it from his mom (they were long divorced), and called a day or two later while my husband was out of town. He cried. I can't recall how my mother-in-law took it, honestly, but she doesn't hate me now ;-) Is it selfish if you get married in a way that is just for yourselves? I don't really think so. The marriage is yours to make or break, and the wedding is your first step. Do as much or as little as pleases you. If you want a dressed-up traditional ceremony you can certainly find resourceful ways to have many of those things more frugally. I personally would really enjoy having someone ask me to make things for their wedding or help them shop for bargains to help them have a special day while saving on costs. I've made veils, jewelry, and food for past weddings. Maybe that would be another way for you to include the other important people in your lives? If you would like to have family present, do what you reasonably can to make it possible for them to attend the ceremony or a reception of some type, but don't let anyone tell you it has to be done only a certain way, and don't feel obligated to pay others' expenses to attend unless you are asking them to fulfill a specific role in the event. It's a commitment between the two of you to a lifetime of love and work and play together.
Oh, and incredibly romantic? Nah. Not that either.
Whatever you decide, I hope you enjoy the day and getting to that point.0 -
Incredibly romantic.. especially to a tropical island..0
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You're 22 - why rush to get married?
because they want to. that's not really your business.
Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?0 -
You're 22 - why rush to get married?
because they want to. that's not really your business.
Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?
Well, to be fair, she didn't ask if she should get married at 22 did she?
Everyone matures at a different rate. I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together for 22 years. Sometimes you just know that you've found the right one.0 -
You're 22 - why rush to get married?
because they want to. that's not really your business.
Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?
Well, to be fair, she didn't ask "I'm 22 years old, do you think I should get married?" now did she?
Everyone matures at a different rate. I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together for 22 years. Sometimes you just know that you've found the right one.
Frankly I don't think I asked anything all that rude or invasive. People live to be almost a hundred these days - I'm just questioning the decision to commit to something like that at 22.
That's great that it worked out for you, but statistically, it doesn't really tend to work out like that.0 -
When I got married (the first time) my parents told me that they would either pay for my wedding or give me the money to use however I wished. I took the money because as newlywed there were so many things I needed (furniture, a house, etc) I got married by a JP. My best friends (close friends) and family still came. A wedding does not have to be expensive. It is the vows that are important. You can always celebrate with a party later.0
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Selfish? That's just silly.0
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I thought we were going to elope, but when I mentioned what we were doing, my immediate family somehow managed to pull off arranging for most of them to get time off and make a 20 hour drive with less than a week's notice. I guess they really did want to be there! :laugh: We rented a big vacation home for the weekend to fit everyone, had a pre-wedding meal at the private room at a restaurant, I had a store-bought dress (just a nice dress, not a wedding dress). Everyone who really wanted to be there was there, and in my mind I might STILL not be married if I had to go through the torture that traditional wedding planning seems to be. I am very glad I did tell my parents, because they really wanted to be there, and while the trappings were not important to me, it was important to them and I am glad they were able to be there (much like my college graduation, I wasn't even going to go, but it was important to my parents so I went for them). As a parent now, I understand more where my parents were coming from.0
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I don't think it's selfish. I do think eloping is romantic because you just get to spend the day with your SO. I don't think courthouses are romantic but I do think taking a little trip to the Bahamas and getting married on the beach is.
I don't think it's for everyone though. I never thought I'd get married, so if I ever do, I'm going to throw a HUGE party.0 -
You're 22 - why rush to get married?
because they want to. that's not really your business.
Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?
Well, to be fair, she didn't ask "I'm 22 years old, do you think I should get married?" now did she?
Everyone matures at a different rate. I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together for 22 years. Sometimes you just know that you've found the right one.
Frankly I don't think I asked anything all that rude or invasive. People live to be almost a hundred these days - I'm just questioning the decision to commit to something like that at 22.
That's great that it worked out for you, but statistically, it doesn't really tend to work out like that.
You're still missing the point -- OP was not asking for approval for her marriage. She was asking on opinions on how to get married. The initial comment about "rushing to get married" was off-topic, plain and simple.0 -
I thought this was one of those games. bang, date, elope, be incredibility selfish....0
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You're 22 - why rush to get married?
smart post0 -
You could still get eloped, then when you're ready to have the big ceremony have it when you want if you want to have a big ceremony
^^ I agree, you don't have to have the big wedding to get married. And you can also explain that to anyone that doesn't understand is that you wanted the marriage but you wanted to have a proper wedding in the future when you could invite others.
Also I do agree with another statement that you are just 22, there is no need to rush. You have many years ahead of you and it wouldn't be so bad to take your time getting to that wedding day either
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I wish everyone would get eloped instead of putting me through their weddings. What a miserable tradition. And the booze isn't even good at most of them.0
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My husband and I eloped. I was 20 and he was 24. No one knew about it until after the fact. Some family was frustrated, but they understood our reasons. (Being military, our life was a LOT easier married + we'd lived together and been together for awhile at that point.) We had a get together next trip back to visit family. This September we'll be married 10 years. I say trust your gut.
Same exact senario. Husband is in the military we wanted to be married. We eloped and and I dont regret it. Some family was pissed but they got over it. We plan on having our "big wedding" on our 5 year anniversary. Our anniversary is also in September 0 -
Only selfish if they planned on having an open bar. That offends me. Other than that... I don't care.
This...lmao
I agree with what others are saying. If you want to elope, do that and just have a reception when you come to town with close friends.0 -
I have had many friends throw extravagant weddings this year and it got me thinking a lot about the same thing..I can't reason spending so much money on something that isn't very important to me (marriage is important, the actual wedding day..not so much). I'm very informal and a fancy-pants affair is so unlike me. I also have so much family and numerous friends it would end up being too costly. To find a balance, I like the idea of eloping and then having a large reception at a park/clubhouse and having a bbq. Low key = just a giant party without all the planning and money.0
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Before my husband and I got married we really struggled with this issue. Neither of us wanted a wedding. We just wanted to be married. I used to fantasize about waking up one day already married. LOL
After agonizing over many options, we finally decided one December to just get married since his mother was in town. So we got engaged, he gave me a ring a few days later, and six days later we were married. We did a simple civil ceremony. We made the limitation of "parents/siblings only." So later when people asked why they weren't invited, we could say "no one was, it was parents/siblings only, it was just a civil ceremony... but everyone is invited to the reception!" That seemed to calm people down. We were planning to have a reception... but life intervened. It never happened. I feel like I dodge a bullet! LOL
The money most people spend on a single wedding day makes me sick to my stomach. Who wants to start married life with a crushing burden of debt? And who wants to be an amateur event planner for hundreds of people? yuck.0 -
Personally, I do not find eloping to be romantic at all. It's kind of lonely not to share that day with those you care about. If money is a concern, have a small wedding with a handful of people at a small church/in the park, whatever, and just get cake and champagne and be done with it.0
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Go girl! We were engaged for 1 year and that whole year I was stressed trying to figure out what we wanted in a wedding and how we were going to afford it. My fiance and I couldn't agree on anything. I didn't want to start our marriage in debt. Also, I had never cared about a wedding per se, I just wanted to be married to the man I loved and a wedding was like a huge mountain in the way . Finally I said i wanted to elope but as we thought about it, realized my and his parents might want to come. We ended up picking a church and telling our close family and friends that we'd be getting married in 3 weeks there and would love them to come if they could make it. We hosted a dinner for just them (20 people) afterwards. Also, his parents helped us tremendously with the cost. Family does want to see you married, but it's expensive for them too (travel, gifts, clothes, time off work). So sometimes they might be happy if you elope as well. It might depend. Good luck! (we've been married 6 years)
OMG! I completely feel the same way! I am getting married in september and I don't even want to think about it. Everyone tells you how great and fun it is to plan, well news flash its not all that great. So much hassle and frustration. I like how you said it a mountain in the way. Nicely said. and thank you!v I am just looking forward to our honeymoon : )0 -
Elope. The weddings are usually for the guests, not the bride and groom.....0
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I personally would prefer to elope (maybe with parents and siblings, MAYBE), then throw a house-warming party once we got settled after the wedding.
Still trying to talk my SO into that.....0 -
My husband and I went to a justice of the peace (she did ceremonies out of her house) with just immediate family. Then afterwards other family and friends were invited to a local restaraunt for lunch to celebrate. It was small, didn't cost much, and in the end, we were married which was all that mattered. We have been married 6 years this past March.0
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You are so young, not even out of school yet. Take your time and enjoy the enagement. Maybe do something small with just the important people in your life in your favorite place. You don't have to have bridesmaids and groomsmen. I met my husband in 2004 and got married in 2007. We had a big wedding with a wedding party of 16. If I could go back, I would gotten married in the honeymoon location. After all of the expenses with the wedding and reception, we never got a honeymoon, and I'm still sad about that. Save up and make it special 0
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I did it. I was 34, was estranged from a parent, and didn't need anyone's permission or approval to live my life. Some people may consider that to be lonely, but I did not choose my parents, and most of my friends haven't gotten married at all, so it isn't like I'm the only one who hasn't had a wedding. We went to France for three weeks and I saw places and art that I've always wanted to see. I bonded with my husband instead of stressing over a big party.0
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Too busy to read all the replies, but the word that comes to mind is ECONOMICAL!
The money we could have wasted on a wedding made for a really nice down payment on our house. Not a single regret.0 -
If you elope, you can choose to have the big reception at a later date. No need to get re-married once you're married. If you want a big wedding ceremony, then don't elope. No double-dipping.
But the reception -- that can happen whenever and can be hosted by you & partner, or by all parents, or by your friends -- who ever is willing to pay (note: the person who pays gets to have say in the guest list, so if you want small and casual you might insist on paying). Let your budget decide the type of reception (if at all), and the size of the guest list. No fair asking guests to pay. It doesn't have to be expensive to be a good time - like this barbque reception -- http://www.younghouselove.com/wedding-album/
I bet everyone there had a good time and remembers it as a great wedding/reception.0 -
Your marriage is about you and your spouse.
^This. I believe that getting married the way YOU want is the most important. Your marriage is about you and your spouse, NOT you your spouse, and your family members. If you want to share that special day with your family, that is fantastic and a great treat for them. Also, if you want to do a 6-8 hour away wedding, that's YOUR choice. Don't let anyone choose for you on where or when you get married. Marriage is between a couple, and it should end up being what you both want it to be. If you want to elope that's fantastic. If you want to elope and invite your family members or friends to join you that's fantastic too. I'm getting married in 13 months and our wedding venue that we picked is 7 hours away from us, and that's where my man wanted it. No, we are not paying for lodging. We have had quite a bit of people ask us why the heck we would choose to have our wedding that far away when there are spots closer that would be great. The answer: We WANT it there. We like it there, and think it's the perfect spot. We aren't going to change our minds just because family/friends think we should. I believe in only getting married once and I don't believe in divorce. So if I'm going o be getting married to a man forever, I want it to be the perfect spot and make it what we both want, and that's exactly what we are doing. This is just how I view it 0 -
we just went to the courthouse and did our thing with our folks and we were out. We love each other just as much as we would have if we spent a million dollars for one day of headache and stress. NOT WORTH IT!0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzjDAlcAwIo
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