Eloping, incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish?

jrose1982

I wish my brother and his fiance would just elope - they're just starting to make plans and it's already stressing them out.

Have the simple wedding you want. If you really want some family there, just invite your parents. Anybody who gets offended - that's their problem.

If you're really worried about offending people, you can always send out announcements (not invitations) to make people feel included. That would provide an opportunity for you to say you opted for a very small wedding because you just couldn't wait. If you do that, be sure to say thank you for something - their support, their love, whatever. That should placate anybody that feels left out.

The idea of having a reception or party later is also a good one.
After my sister eloped, my parents through them a big potluck reception (a couple weeks after) so everybody could celebrate. They kept it simple and casual. It was the most enjoyable wedding celebration I've ever been to (I hate formal weddings, they're boring).

Whether it's "incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish" - it might be both. I vote neither. I think it's a means to an end.

neandermagnon

My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for a while but because we are broke we have postponed an engagement and wedding until after we graduate and get real jobs. I woke up today thinking why don't we just take off for the upper peninsula this summer and elope? It's our favorite place on the planet and incredibly beautiful and I know we'd feel right about being married. He thinks its a great idea but has the same worries about the family as I do.
After experiencing weddings as a bridesmaid/maid of honor I have zero desire to shell out tons of money and deal with all the obnoxiousness that comes with decorating and planning a big wedding and reception. The idea of marrying the man of my dreams in the wilderness is so enticing but I just worry about offending our family and friends by not including them. We could invite them because having them there would be amazing and if we chose a tiny church it would be accessible. It would be very low key with a ceremony and just a dinner after but a hassle to most because of the distance. Is it acceptable to invite guests to a wedding roughly a 6/8 hour drive away and not pay for their lodging? Would it be better to not invite anyone at all and keep it a "traditional" elopement?

if I were you, i'd plan a quiet little wedding in the location of your choice, wilderness or not (it's your day), and even work in the theme of eloping into it, but invite everyone you want to be there. tell them you won't be offended if they don't want to drive all that way.

Maybe you can get some cheap accommodation like tents or something. Maybe for elderly relatives something more substantial like a BnB (or the USA equivalent of a BnB if you have them?? it's like someone's house but turned into a mini hotel, where you can get a room and breakfast the next morning (but none of the fancy things you get in hotels), and it's a lot cheaper than staying in an actual hotel)

if there was a ton of family drama and issues with family, then eloping would be understandable but if you generally get on with your family, i think it would cause upset. Many of them probably would be prepared to make the journey. I travelled 3000 miles by plane to go to my brother's wedding (I live abroad and travelled back home for it) and my daughters were flower girls at the wedding. I think your family would be fine with travelling if they really want to be there for you, just make sure it's easy for elderly family members.

It's your wedding, so the location, kind of ceremony and how much you want to spend is absolutely entirely up to you.

jrose1982

we just went to the courthouse and did our thing with our folks and we were out. We love each other just as much as we would have if we spent a million dollars for one day of headache and stress. NOT WORTH IT!

You probably love each other more than you would if you had gone a million dollars in debt for one day. The financial strain people put on themselves with overpriced weddings is enough to kill any marriage.

bwnorton

Eloping is not selfish! Eloping takes several forms - one is just the two of you. Another form may include your immediate family and a friend or two. Both work. The marriage is between the two of you - nobody else. The wedding is not the marriage. It appears to be more sketchy to show off how big a wedding you can throw and how many people you can invite. I went to one where the bride had two dresses and the party cost a fortune. I think they invited almost 1000 people. The couple divorced three years later.

devilwhiterose

We eloped due to an upcoming deployment/timing/pregnancy...and that's the only thing I regret.

I was 6 months pregnant, no dress, no cake, no family, no dad to walk me down the aisle, no pictures. I look back and just...nope. I wouldn't have done it that way. We were going to have a renewal later but then I got pregnant with twins and the family in general was like..."Why bother? You're already married?" So...ya.

We have lasted though. Been together 10 years, married for 4-1/2. That's my own story though...I just don't like that fact that I have no wedding pictures to show my kids.

HermioneDanger118

I did it. I was 34, was estranged from a parent, and didn't need anyone's permission or approval to live my life. Some people may consider that to be lonely, but I did not choose my parents, and most of my friends haven't gotten married at all, so it isn't like I'm the only one who hasn't had a wedding. We went to France for three weeks and I saw places and art that I've always wanted to see. I bonded with my husband instead of stressing over a big party.

This wedding sounds fabulous. A wedding sandwiched in an amazing trip ...

HermioneDanger118

Also, this was just on Jezebel and I can totally relate: http://jezebel.com/just-tell-your-friends-that-you-can-t-afford-to-go-to-t-486159148

daffodilsoup

You're 22 - why rush to get married?

because they want to. that's not really your business.

Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?

Well, to be fair, she didn't ask "I'm 22 years old, do you think I should get married?" now did she?

Everyone matures at a different rate. I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together for 22 years. Sometimes you just know that you've found the right one.

Frankly I don't think I asked anything all that rude or invasive. People live to be almost a hundred these days - I'm just questioning the decision to commit to something like that at 22.

That's great that it worked out for you, but statistically, it doesn't really tend to work out like that.

You're still missing the point -- OP was not asking for approval for her marriage. She was asking on opinions on how to get married. The initial comment about "rushing to get married" was off-topic, plain and simple.

I didn't really give my approval, I simply asked what the rush was because "giant wedding" and "elope" aren't the only two options here. Don't get me wrong - whether OP stays happily married or gets divorced within a few weeks, my life carries on business as usual. She can do whatever she likes.

But, if she and her boyfriend are still in school, don't really have jobs or careers, could use to save some money, are very young, marriage may not be the most mature, thought-out option right now.

That doesn't mean she has to take my stance into account - she can go right ahead and get married. I just don't see what's wrong with simply being in a relationship while you're still figuring yourself out.

irishladyo

Sorry if I'm repeating what others ahve said, I didn't read many of the responses. It's your wedding and your life. YES, some family members may be upset but again, it's YOUR wedding and YOUR life. Do whats right for you and you wont regret a thing! I had a wedding with lots of guests and I loved it but I did it MY way, all the way and it was the best ever. You can always have a ceremony down the line if you feel you missed out or want to make others happy.

Hellbent_Heidi

I didn't read all the posts...but how about a compromise between the two extremes? Go elope and have your ceremony in the U.P. YOUR way, (without all the drama) and then have a big, fun party later (closer to home) to celebrate a short time after! You don't have to make it a big fancy hall reception...it can be a barbeque in the summer or something like that...just a good time that doesn't have to cost you a fortune. That way, your family can still celebrate the marriage with you, and you can

Not to sound greedy, but being older and more experienced (and being among the last of my FIFTEEN female cousins to get married), I can tell you that this will be the one shot at registering for wedding gifts and all that stuff (from all the family and friends whose weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, etc, that you have or will be giving gifts to).....so you might want to consider having some kind of reception (but again, it doesn't have to cost a boatload of money).

Mimoki

We eloped because we were living overseas in Ireland. We threw a massive party at a club and it was a monday so it was free. We all got so sloshed and piss that both my husband and I ended up at 9 a.m. The following day doing the walk of shame wedding edition lol. It was brilliant! We spent less than a grand for the entire affair. I even photographed and videoed everyone myself lol.

If you can though you should have your folks there but otherwise its your day, do what ya'll want and enjoy it!

LibertyBelle89

I don't think eloping is selfish. Having a ridiculously expensive, huge wedding you can't afford because it's your special day is selfish.

^^^This!! It's your wedding, you guys do what you want.

Roll_Tide_Meg

I wanted to elope and my family wanted a wedding so I went half/half and rented a beach house and had a small wedding on the beach. It cost me about 1,000 but nowhere near the 25,000 it was going to cost. It was still beautiful and I have gorgeous pictures because of it. I'm so glad I changed my mind.

likitisplit

If they don't want to drive the distance, they can say no. And, does everybody you know live in the same town as you? Most people I know would have people coming from all parts of the US.

I would steer away from eloping. I did that and it would have been more meaningful for my husband and I to have celebrated our marriage with our community.

jramirez72

Same here. My husband and I eloped. Neither of us wanted the big, expensive wedding and figuring out transportation/lodging for out of state relatives. We've been married 32 years and still happy together. That decision will be the least of your worries..want til some of the REAL life changing stuff comes along...

jrose1982

We eloped due to an upcoming deployment/timing/pregnancy...and that's the only thing I regret.

I was 6 months pregnant, no dress, no cake, no family, no dad to walk me down the aisle, no pictures. I look back and just...nope. I wouldn't have done it that way. We were going to have a renewal later but then I got pregnant with twins and the family in general was like..."Why bother? You're already married?" So...ya.

We have lasted though. Been together 10 years, married for 4-1/2. That's my own story though...I just don't like that fact that I have no wedding pictures to show my kids.

You seem to have the reverse problem. If you really want a big beautiful wedding, you can still renew your vows. Again, it's between you and your husband, not the rest of your family.

misskerouac

You could still get eloped, then when you're ready to have the big ceremony have it when you want if you want to have a big ceremony

^ This is what we did. Married in December '08, wedding was in July '09.

Eloping is not selfish. ESPECIALLY if you are paying for it. It is your marriage and no one else's.

michellechawner

Similar to my parents... they were 18 & 20, and eloped and THEN told their parents. Did a renewal 2 years later and did a small wedding still.

They said if they could do it over, they would have WAITED until they were older, then still elope because of costs.

My boyfriend and I are doing the same things now - wanting to save for a wedding, but he wants a real job first. I have my real job (as I'm older and was more ready for what I wanted to do). I say screw it and elope, but REALIZE THIS... 22 is VERY YOUNG. I thought I wanted to get married young (20) and do the whole family thing and stay home home mom... I am now 27 and scared to do it all. It's not the picnic it's cracked up to be, I've learned as I get older and things fall more into place (for me) and I hear from friends that have done it.

Some people are ready at 22, others, like me, thought I knew what I wanted and then I grew up and wanted something different.

You do what you want. It's your big day. It's your life. It's your decision. Can you afford the dream wedding? then do it! You can't afford it? don't go broke by trying. My dear friend had her dream wedding because she wanted to be married so bad, she was $80k in debt and divorced in a year, all because she wanted to "live up to her family's standards and be someone's wife before she was 30".

DalekBrittany

My first love was organization and categorizing, so I love being able to plan a wedding. That being said, I don't want to send out expensive invites that everyone is just going to throw away, nor do I want some designer dress that costs me my first born. I don't want some huge thing, just family that I actually speak to and none of this third cousin, twice removed that I have to invite because she's "family". We actually did toss the idea around about having a little courthouse wedding, but if we do that, knowing both of us want a bit more than that, I think we'll both regret that we never did what we wanted. I don't think it's either incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish. Is it really eloping if you invite people and tell them what you're doing, anyway?

I say do what you want. Try to respect others' feelings, but don't let them get in the way of your decisions.

xstarxdustx

If it's really supposed to be about the two people getting married in the first place, I don't think it's selfish to elope.

atrebor18

I read every single post Great advice overall! Thank you!

I have spent the last few days thinking and praying about having a wedding or not and we have decided to go with the VERY small wedding idea this summer. I found an adorable little church for the ceremony and a B&B we could stay at near by. I want to wear his grandmother's wedding dress (I'm going to try it on tonight, hopefully it works!) and we'll invite our parents, siblings, and very close friends only. I realized how important family is and I couldn't get married without my dad walking me down the aisle and I know they wouldn't want to miss my wedding! Neither of us have credit cards so we'd be paying it all in cash so no after wedding debt! I also want to do the reception/party back home a few weeks later so we can invite everyone else and celebrate with them.

I know I'm "only 22" but considering our life values and goals together we take marriage very seriously and I know in my heart he is the one for me and we would both love to make that real commitment together. Our pastor has family in the U.P so we are hoping he can come up and marry us or at least recommend someone in the area. I want to do a couple pre-marital counseling sessions as well. We want to finalize the wedding plan soon and then tell our parents. So excited!!