Critical Spouse?!!!
Replies
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Hello,
I am new around here. I joined MFP because I wanted to meet others "like me". I exercise pretty consistently, however, i am an emotional eater and have trouble with binge eating. When I am depressed, stressed, or lonely I eat WAY more than i should to basically self medicate. I do it in private so that nobody sees. BUT, it shows all over my body .... as my husband reminds me DAILY.
My husband constantly picks on me about my weight and it crushes me. He does not understand my struggle and basically makes fun of me, calls me terrible names, and critiques any and everything he sees me eat.....hence the eating in secret. He doesn't understand how food could actually be a problem for anyone and thinks it should be an easy fix.
He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".
It's SO discouraging.
Anybody else dealing with anything similar? Binge eating? Critical spouse?!
His treatment of you is disgusting, quite frankly, and you deserve better than that. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS ABUSE. YOUR KIDS WILL SEE IT, GROW UP WITH IT AND THINK IT'S NORMAL. It makes me want to scream, honestly.0 -
That's an awful thing for a spouse to do. I say, get marriage counseling. Then take a series of steps, first step to take is stand up for yourself, that's how we deal with bullies. Second, you might want to do some research on binge eating disorders and show him the proof that it's a real problem, that you need REAL help with. Third step I think should be to get AWAY from him even if it's just a couple of weeks so he can see what it's like, since if he doesn't change I think the 4th step would be to get out of the marriage.0
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Relationship counseling. Immediately. That situation should not be acceptable to you, but if you don't do something about it, you are, in essence, consenting to it.0
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Divorce.
ditto. what he is doing is emotional abuse. get to a therapist to talk it out, maybe TRY couple's therapy so u can work it out together. but ultimately, an abuser will always be an abuser.
if u saw someone consistently being verbally abusive to a child u love, would u allow that to go on? hell no. then why tolerate that for yourself?0 -
OMG I know what you mean, my husband would just make comments that would rub me the wrong way, of course he's never had a weight issue ever and finally I told him to keep his damn mouth shut if I want his comment I will ask for it. I am an emotional eater too, so figuring out what the root of the issue was has definitely helped. I don't deprive myself, I just watch what and how much I eat. I feel your pain! he should be respectful and supportive of you.0
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Tell him nothing of your diet. Shut him out of what's going on with you. You deserve better.
The quickest weight loss plan is shedding this 190 pound *kitten*.0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
^^^^THIS!!!! Real men do NOT harass the person they vowed to love. Relationship counseling really really seems like a good call here.
I'm an emotional eater and gained a ton of weight during a 2 year period of crazy stress at work. My husband never said anything other than he thought I was a sexy, hot, wife. Clearly he was delusional, but he never criticized. He knows I'm an emotional eater and he says not one word when I hit the ice cream. When I bellyache that the weight isn't where I'd like it, he just reminds me that he loves me regardless of what a silly scale says.
Realize your worth is way beyond what you can "prove" to your husband. Focus on healthy changes for YOU and stop looking to him for encouragement. He clearly, at this point, doesn't have the tools in his emotional tool box to offer you encouragement. FInd some girl friends, some MFP friends and tackle your goals with their encouragement!!!0 -
He may actually believe his criticism will help you stop the destructive behaviour. I know this isn't true, and he is sabotaging by making you hide, but he may not understand that.
Tell him to his face that praising you when you do well and shutting up about what you do wrong is a lot more effective than punishing you for the wrongs and ignoring the rights.
If he doesn't listen and doesn't care, it may be time to consider the relationship dynamics. Try explaining things first though. He may just have no clue.0 -
He sounds like a real jerk. You probably shouldn't have married him.0
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My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
^ agreed
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My boyfriend makes comments about my figure but the difference is he jokes then will help and encourage me to eat better and exercise, which he does with me. That's what your husband should be doing! Hurtful comments are not helpful in the slightest and are triggering your emotional eating!
I would not let him get to you, be strong and use his comments to push you to prove him wrong! Do this for you and only you! You've got this!0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
MEN do NOT do this. Insecure, abusive little boys do. My husband would never do such a thing. He LOVES me.0 -
His treatment of you is disgusting, quite frankly, and you deserve better than that. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS ABUSE. YOUR KIDS WILL SEE IT, GROW UP WITH IT AND THINK IT'S NORMAL. It makes me want to scream, honestly.
^^ this. You deserve WAY better than what you're getting. I also agree with the poster that said "Real Men don't do this." They don't/ He should support you and not sabotage what you're trying to do for yourself. Stop telling him about your diet, and tell him to shut the eff up.0 -
Your man and the OP's man do this.My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
"Men" as a whole do not. My weight has shifted up and down about 30 pounds in the eight years I've been with mine and he's never had a complaint or criticism. In fact, he has several times said that he doesn't notice my flaws because he loves me and they don't matter.
This has pretty much been my experience with men, save a couple exceptions. What you and IP are talking about is psychological abuse and controlling behavior. These are not good men.0 -
you're in an abusive relationship.Hello,
I am new around here. I joined MFP because I wanted to meet others "like me". I exercise pretty consistently, however, i am an emotional eater and have trouble with binge eating. When I am depressed, stressed, or lonely I eat WAY more than i should to basically self medicate. I do it in private so that nobody sees. BUT, it shows all over my body .... as my husband reminds me DAILY.
My husband constantly picks on me about my weight and it crushes me. He does not understand my struggle and basically makes fun of me, calls me terrible names, and critiques any and everything he sees me eat.....hence the eating in secret. He doesn't understand how food could actually be a problem for anyone and thinks it should be an easy fix.
He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".
It's SO discouraging.
Anybody else dealing with anything similar? Binge eating? Critical spouse?!
if he doesn't dig fat women he should either talk to you about it or leave. that's what a real man would do.
and the deal with bullies is that, even if you change your weight, they always find something to pick on.
for me, this is a simple question:
do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?
...i work with the elderly. i see a lot of regretted lives.0 -
You don't have to allow yourself to be treated this way.0
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My bet is he would be critical of you if you were a size 4 with a rock hard body. Verbal abusers criticize because of an issue THEY have; not because of anything you do. Do not let his comments about your weight make you obsess over your weight, because that's not really the issue.0
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This. My husband has never been anything but supportive and encouraging. Even when he was dealing with his own jealousy issues, he never once stooped to such a low; not even close.My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
It sounds like there's a myriad of issues going on. Maybe counseling will help. If it doesn't, divorce.
This, a hundred times this. Men in general do not tear their wives down. Good men lift their wives up, and support them through trials like this. He has issues far beyond your weight.
Seek marriage counseling, and if that doesn't fly (I would expect your husband to reject this notion), then seek counseling for yourself. If divorce is an option, look into it. He's abusing you, and you do not deserve to be abused.0 -
This sounds more like an issue your husband has with himself or your relationship than it does like an issue with you. I don't think you're the problem here; I think he has some things he either needs to get off his chest or work through in therapy. Nobody--man or woman, folks--should ever talk to their spouse this way. It's hurtful and destructive.
However, he may not be aware that he's doing it. He may think that being hard on you is going to motivate you to be better. I don't know your relationship; I'm not going to try to counsel you from a couple of paragraphs over the internet. But it seems like the former to me. Name-calling? "Proof or it didn't happen" attitude? That has "abusive" written all over it in neon lights. I suggest you take a look at your relationship and really decide if this is healthy for either one of you, and go from there.
Take it from someone who was in an abusive relationship: Things. Do. Not. Get. Better. The abuser will not change while in a relationship. As I said above, it is about them, not the person they are abusing. The best way to change him if this is your conclusion is to allow him time on his own to work out his issues. You'll be doing both of you a favor.
Lastly, if you didn't read my novel, don't do this for him. Do it for YOURSELF. Push yourself. Love yourself. Encourage yourself. Don't let one person's negativity rule your life, even if you have to share a bed with them at the end of the day. It's about you in the end. Don't regret your life choices because you let this affect you. Feel free to add me if you'd like, and good luck on your journey. I believe in you!0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Easy now... sometimes it can go the other way around
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I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
ANY partner should not say things like this. Ask him what it is getting him? Honestly, nothing. He is hurting you, probably making you go backwards and sabbotaging your good intentions to get healthy.
If he does not change, you need to get out. Your husband should support you in your journey, not ask you to 'prove' your results and belittle you.
Feel free to add me if you need any support0 -
Relationship counseling.
Now.
YESTERDAY.
There is something going on that is much bigger than a diet issue.
This!!0 -
Oy. This is why I'm divorced. Same scenerio......all verbal...psychological....a bruise would have faded faster than hurt feelings....divorced 3 years, 2 years of counseling....wounds are still healing for me.
when he makes his comments, it's about him. he has issues. you just have to deal w/them.....get help....get out.....i took a boxing class, thought my my ex's face....that helped! food is just a band aid....get to the core of the problem and work on that....
i wish you all the best....the road ahead is challenging to say the least.0 -
My first marriage was to a psychologically abusive person. You deserve a partner who will be supportive and build you up instead of tearing you down.
^^^THIS...Mine was mentally abusive, demeaning, critical, derailing my efforts out of a need for control and possession due to alcoholism. I'm recently free of the control and find that every aspect of my life runs smoother. I miss him, but I realize I am just missing the habit - a bad one at that. I'm meeting my emotional needs, I'm not eating for comfort, I don't retreat mentally and I have much more energy and focus to accomplish my daily goals.0 -
My first relationship was like this. It started with verbal abuse about my appearance, then turned into physical and sexual assault on weekly, if not daily basis..
I understand, having been in that situation, that it is hard to leave. They make you feel so insecure about yourself that you think you will never be with anyone better. He will manipulate you by treating you over the top with goodness but continue to hurt you. I was brainwashed by my ex for years, despite my friends and family constantly trying to get me to leave him.
Please, for all that you are worth, divorce now and never look back. The longer you wait, the more painful it is.0 -
I don't know you or him, but I know people like him. I have a feeling if you lost all the weight you could and looked liked a supermodel, he would still find something to pick on you about. Seek counseling, seek a divorce, something. Get out of this situation. Life is too short to put up with this.0
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Oy. This is why I'm divorced. Same scenerio......all verbal...psychological....a bruise would have faded faster than hurt feelings....divorced 3 years, 2 years of counseling....wounds are still healing for me.
when he makes his comments, it's about him. he has issues. you just have to deal w/them.....get help....get out.....i took a boxing class, thought my my ex's face....that helped! food is just a band aid....get to the core of the problem and work on that....
i wish you all the best....the road ahead is challenging to say the least.
^^ I just want to hug you. I'm proud of you for taking a stand, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that in the first place. You are truly an inspiration. 0 -
Honestly, it sounds like has some insecurity issues of his own. In general, when one person puts another person down, it is to make themselves feel better. And he sabotages what you are doing to improve yourself so he doesn't lose his edge over you. Counseling sounds like your best option if you want to make it work.0
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There is no way in this world I would allow my husband to talk to me this way. I just cannot even imagine it.
The person you are with is not a good person and definitely not a real man. A good man would not talk to his wife, the person he loves, the person he's suppose to respect in this manner.
You deserve better. I don't like to suggest divorce without knowing more information, but honestly, if an *kitten* can talk to you like this...there is no hope. He doesn't have the goods inside. GET OUT.0 -
If I were in your shoes...
One obviously stop the binge eating, or binge eat tomatoes or something that has insignificant amounts of caloric value. I buy grape tomatoes, so I can just pop these suckers in my mouth if I get annoyed with someone/thing. Plus they taste wonderful and aren't that bad for ya. Celery is also a good one.
As for you husband. I would say let's follow Hammurabi's code here. Just hurt him as much as you've been hurt. Tell him he's an idiot or something of that nature. He'll soon get the hint and your problem will be solved. If he doesn't get the hint ... a swift kick in the junk every time he talks about you should remedy the issue.0
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