Critical Spouse?!!!
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You don't say if you are overweight or have weight to lose. You just say his abuse causes you to eat and make bad choices. Change your go to self medication to a walk, a bike ride, time with the kids, clean.0
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I know everyon's first response is "divorce". However, you married the guy for a reason right? Please get some couseling. He may not realize the depth of pain that he is causing you until he has someone else point it out for him. That being said, you can't let it go on forever. If couseling does not help, or the situation gets worse or physical, please get yourself out.
I hope you get what you need, and what is best for you and your family. Good luck!0 -
You need to remind him that he married you, not your body. I would ask him why he married you in the first place and see what his answer is. And you're right, he is supposed to be your spouse, best friend, partner, etc. Maybe he needs to be reminded that too.
Or.....you can lose all the weight you want to lose, then when he finally approves and loves the way you look, divorce the jerk and let him see what a beautiful person he missed out on, inside and out.
Best of luck to you in your weight loss journey!0 -
Don't let him get to you, every time he says something mean, turn it around and let it fuel to become more determined to do this. You need to love yourself and put yourself first for once and don't listen to negative people. When you feel like you want to eat , go look in the mirror , look yourself in the eye and tell yourself i am worthy and i deserve to look and feel awesome. Then go and work off that anger in a workout. You can do this. Do your best and forget the rest!!!!!!!0
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Just ignore the tool, don't listen and believe in yourself. Mine often criticizes me about all sorts of things, I used to get upset but now I couldn't care less. They are the ones with low self esteem and bitterness and whatever...like I said who cares. Their problem not ours.0
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Bump!0
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It is a tough issue. A good book to get and read is " But he never hit me" sometimes I think a square punch in the jaw would be much more civilized. Demand to be treated better. I have a bag that I keep packed at all time though last night I forgot where it was. LIke Pavlovs dog eventually he will figure out that when he says cruel things you will exit. there is nothing else you can do. Staying and fighting it out leads to you saying horrible things to him or sitting and suffering in silence or even worse EATING! Lately I just leave and though last night I was not dressed well and had no where to go luckily Rite Aid was open and I shopped instead. I must admit I drank three quarters of a sutter hill chardonnay while I was shopping. Totally took the edge off and then I returned home and slept in the guest bed downstairs. My 16 year old daughter was so sweet and supportive this morning. Are men just mean? And my husband did apologize. Maybe it is just in their DNA. What are the prisons full of, women?? Just a suggestion instead of eating, leave!!!!:flowerforyou:0
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If he has never been overweight or struggled with food, then he honestly does not know what it's like.
Not making excuses for him. Just the truth.
On the other hand.... he sounds like a d*ck. Not that I need to tell you that.
He will continue to bully you until you stand up to him.
I'm not saying you should leave him. That's your decision.
But you have nothing to prove to him. Stop looking for his approval.
If you make progress, then celebrate it here and with other real life friends that will applaud you.
Him telling you to step on the scale is just demeaning in my opinion.
If he says mean things, tell him he's not allowed to speak to you that way. Stop talking to him about your weight loss at all.
This is about you, not him. He should be supportive in a loving way. He's an adult so he should know this.
Once you begin to truly do this for yourself and not care what he thinks, you will begin to see progress.
The desire to eat in secret will go away and you won't seek out his approval.
Do this for you. You can do it. I believe in you.
I haven't read all 3 pages yet but I like this response the most. Yes, hubby is an *ss. Aren't we all about some things?
My hubby of 23 years took a similar approach. He did not have a weight problem all of his life like I did. I was overweight as a child but I lost it as a young adult. he married a healthy, average sized woman. After marriage, i slowly began to balloon.
He began with quietly pointing out that I was mindlessly eating. i kept on. He then began asking if I really needed seconds. I put more on my plate. He then took to saying it in front of others which just embarrassed me and I ate more. My responses escalated his behavior. NEITHER of us was right! HE was honestly worried about my health since both of our parents have a multitude of health issues stemming form obesity. He is a bit of a control freak so I decided he was just being controlling, which is partially true! LOL
This went on for many years, with me thinking even if I lose weight, he will find something else to complain about. So why bother losing weight? As we aged, he began to have some weight issues and was able to get it under control quickly. Which made him really believe I wasn't trying. Now, he isn't as able to control it (which I LOVE)!! I began sabotaging him on purpose by buying things he couldn't resist and I could! See the dynamic here?
About 4 years ago, he finally did something helpful and caring. For Christmas, he bought me personal training sessions for 4 months. And I lost weight. We had many more frank discussions and talked more openly about the whole food issue. I kept it up for a year then gained it all back. He didn't start the criticism back but I knew he was disappointed.
After my dad died, he bought me moe sessions with a strength coach this time. I am finally ready to do it. FOR ME!! Seeing my dad in a wheelchair at the end. Knowing his condition, ALL OF IT, was caused from obesity really woke me up.
My husband, who is just a critical person by nature, is know my biggest cheerleader. He thinks I should do it his way and I just shrug and say nope, this is what I am doing. he cannot argue witht he results so he just tells me I look great! Once he saw me truly making an effort AND having his own struggles, he was more undersrtanding. It doesn't excuse his behavior but mine wasn't stellar either!
Add me as a friend. I can sympathize! Unless there are other problems, divorce is NOT the answer. We have a great marriage except for that one hiccup. ALot of it is understaning where your spouse is coming from. Mine truly was worried about my health. He just needs to learn how to postively communicate. I don't really think he will ever do that well!!
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I have no advice but I just wanted to say that no matter what you look like, no one should shame you for it. You deserve to be treated like a human being, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.0
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I have not read through all the responses, so someone may have already said this, but have you told him how you feel? Have you sat down with him and in a non-hysterical way explained to him that it really hurts your feelings and puts you down when he says those things? I know it seems very elementary, but maybe he doesn't know that it hurts you as much as it does. He could be trying to joke or at least not thinking that it stabs you that bad.
If you have already had this talk with him and he still continues to put you down, despite telling him how you feel, then you need to take action. I wouldn't jump to divorce or anything like that, but show him you're not going to let him say those things to you. Every time he starts to say something like that, walk out of the room. Stop sharing your progress with him, and instead share it with a friend for support. Any time he says something negative, just say "That was rude and hurtful" and go take a walk or use it for fuel through a workout. Eventually he will understand that he can't say those things.
If talking, communicating, etc. doesn't work then I would seek professional help. But all along the way, use your friends to lean on instead of primarily leaning on him for support, since he's not giving you the encouragement you need. If you don't have physical friends for support (no shame, I don't have many friends here either) then you can definitely use the people here on MFP for support. We'll support you and give you the encouragement you need
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wow...your husband is a d!ck! I would never EVER say anything like that to my wife.0
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Well no wonder you're an emotional eater! If my husband even looked funny at what I was eating, I'd knock his tooth out with a Louisville slugger! You should NOT put up with that crap. This situation can only escalate from here. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Ironic that verbal abuse can justify using physical abuse against the "abuser".0 -
He would be my ex-husband. Seriously. I don't care what his problem is, what his childhood was like, or if he's lacking sleep. There's no excuse to treat another person (especially your spouse!!) like that.
I married for life, through thick and thin, fat and slim, sick and well, rich and poor. But I absolutely would instantly lose 200 lbs of man if my husband ever spoke to be like that.
I wish you well.0 -
I genuinely think that he is not husband material and if someone was superficial enough to say those things then I would walk out on him. He could be positive and encouraging instead, and only if he takes his own advice on health. I've seen too many ugly, fat, old, hairy men who are unnecessarily judgmental about women's looks, and generally these repulsive specimens are best left alone so they can mope about all women and wonder why nobody comes near them with a 10-foot pole.
As a former fat chick, if someone put me down then it would not inspire me to be healthy. It would have inspired me to stuff my face on sweets and hide out from the world. I lost 50 pounds because nobody told me to lose weight other than my doctor; no family said anything beyond positive encouragement, and I was absolutely sick of looking in the mirror.0 -
errr, that makes me so angry.
I don't know if this is the best way to deal with things, but when my husband does something that I don't like or is hurtful I just simply and clearly put my foot down.
"I don't like when you do X, so stop doing it". If he he does it again, I remind him, "I don't like when you do X, so stop doing it", and say that every time he slips up. If I think he's not even trying to stop I'll have a longer conversation and maybe come up with a consequence like just walking away (which pisses him off, but it's the only way I can deal without losing my sh!p).
It has always worked for me. Sometimes men are like children and they need to be told in a clear and unemotional manner that what they are doing is inappropriate and if they continue there will be consequences. Case closed, no discussion.
What ever you do, I hope you find resolution.0 -
When the conversation starts going in that direction, just END IT. If he starts being critical, just tell him "I am not going to have this conversation with you again. I am doing this for me." And then don't. And then believe it. You are doing it for you - if he is not supportive, don't give him fodder to be critical.0
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If I were in your shoes...
One obviously stop the binge eating, or binge eat tomatoes or something that has insignificant amounts of caloric value. I buy grape tomatoes, so I can just pop these suckers in my mouth if I get annoyed with someone/thing. Plus they taste wonderful and aren't that bad for ya. Celery is also a good one.
As for you husband. I would say let's follow Hammurabi's code here. Just hurt him as much as you've been hurt. Tell him he's an idiot or something of that nature. He'll soon get the hint and your problem will be solved. If he doesn't get the hint ... a swift kick in the junk every time he talks about you should remedy the issue.
^^ Not this.
Haha, sorry MG_fit, this strategy inevitably leads to a tit for tat situation. He hurts you, you hurt him, he hurts you more, you hurt him more.... yada, yada, yada, divorce.
Divorce might be the answer if it's already to the point of being abusive, but if not, it may just be a matter of honest and blunt communication.
Also, I should note, emotional binge eating is definitely a sign you may need some help. Therapy, self-help books, support from friends and family, or religion, whatever works for you, you need to think about doing some self care!0 -
Hello,
I am new around here. I joined MFP because I wanted to meet others "like me". I exercise pretty consistently, however, i am an emotional eater and have trouble with binge eating. When I am depressed, stressed, or lonely I eat WAY more than i should to basically self medicate. I do it in private so that nobody sees. BUT, it shows all over my body .... as my husband reminds me DAILY.
My husband constantly picks on me about my weight and it crushes me. He does not understand my struggle and basically makes fun of me, calls me terrible names, and critiques any and everything he sees me eat.....hence the eating in secret. He doesn't understand how food could actually be a problem for anyone and thinks it should be an easy fix.
He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".
It's SO discouraging.
Anybody else dealing with anything similar? Binge eating? Critical spouse?!
i can't even think of anything coherant to say.... this just makes my blood boil. seriously. please, please, please do not take this abuse from anyone, not even the father of your child/children. think and act rationally and work on your *self love*. he is not showing you support or love.0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
^^^ This.
I have not read the whole thread but it sounds like one of two things. One is that he has security issues about himself or two tough love. I will side with the first though because his comments sound very harsh. You just do you and make you feel good about yourself. I would suggest maybe a local support group that you can join so that you can share your accomplishments. You know a group of people that enjoys working out and living a healthy life style. I mean that is what MFP is for but I mean something more like a live person or groups of people you can talk to face to face about your weight loss and train with.0 -
wow! well, first i want to just say THANK YOU to everyone for the support!!!! i can def feel the love! I wish that i had the time to respond to each of you individually.
last night was kind of a breaking point for me. today i needed to vent and get some "outside" advice from people other than my family and friends because they are too close to the situation.
My husband and I have deep rooted issues. In his defense, he DID have a pretty terrible upbringing.....which has def leaked over into our marriage. He was abandoned at an orphanage by his parents when he was a child. I think that he has taken on this "i'll hurt you before you have the chance to hurt me" attitude. We have been married almost 7 years, and it has taken me until now to figure this out.
It is without a doubt a very emotionally abusive relationship. I am working on getting counseling for myself. He of course "does not need it". and those are not MY words i agree with everybody that said it would almost be easier if he would just leave bruises on me. at least then i could SEE the abuse. somebody doesn't have to hit you for you to "feel" it 
We have our good days and our bad days.
i easily have a good 30-40 pounds to lose until i could at least feel comfortable in my own skin again. I am setting small daily goals for myself in my weight loss journey. All last month i worked on getting into some kind of work out routine. This month i have started logging my food. It really helps actually SEEING it. Thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for the support.0 -
no.It has always worked for me. Sometimes men are like children and they need to be told in a clear and unemotional manner that what they are doing is inappropriate and if they continue there will be consequences. Case closed, no discussion.
sometimes PEOPLE are like children. women can be just as bad.0 -
Good for you for seeing the relationship for what it is. If you are still willing to stay in that relationship, continue to work on yourself and hopefully one day soon he will see that he does indeed need help. If he doesn't see that then you will know when it is time to go. Do not allow him to bring you down any longer regardless of what happens. Good luck to you.0
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Total BS is all I can say. My hubby would never treat me that way. Shame on him0
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The way he is behaving is wrong and cruel but unless you have lots of other issues I guess you're not going to be dumping him any time soon. Try to talk to him if you can but if that doesn't work then try just ignoring it. The one way you will stop your hubby behaving this way is to succeed in your own goals.
Wait until that weight starts dropping off and see how he changes his tune. At the moment he doesn't believe in you and thinks he has heard it all before so PROVE HIM WRONG!!!
Your body is for you, not him, deal with your weight for you, not him. Care about what you think and stay positive. Relying on him to make you feel good is likely to put you in to a downward spiral and you don't need that.
If you need folks to celebrate your victories with you, even the small ones, then come on here!!0 -
Wow...whats more surprising is you still being with this idiot. Dont put up with his crap and leave him ASAP!0
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What a charming fellow.
Sarcasm alert.
Why would you allow him to speak to you like that?
My thoughts:
YOU can't control how other people speak to you, you can only control how you react to it. If he spoke to me like that I would poke his eyes out with a dull toothpick, NOW. When I was younger I would have not said a word and thought I deserved his words.0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
and wives aren't EVER like that:ohwell:0 -
Well no wonder you're an emotional eater! If my husband even looked funny at what I was eating, I'd knock his tooth out with a Louisville slugger! You should NOT put up with that crap. This situation can only escalate from here. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Ironic that verbal abuse can justify using physical abuse against the "abuser".
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she was probably not seriously threatening to knock out his tooth with a Louisville slugger.0 -
Kind of sad reading this - my husband has been very loving and supportive over the years. Trust me I was a size 28 - now 18 and the only thing he ever said was that he was worried about my health.
I wish you all the luck in the world, you have a big, generous heart by recognising his problems, remember they are his, not yours.
You can only lose the weight for you, not anyone else.
Maybe you need to be a bit more honest and frank with him, let him read what you wrote and the others replied. Might be a wake up call for him.
Why not ask him what he thinks you might do when you are looking fantastic and slim again.
There is an amazing amount of support here, use it.
Take care and good luck.0 -
I think I might be domestically violent if my husband acted like a huge douche like that. You're post made me very angry for you and I rarely get angry. Now I've got those pesky stress hormones coursing through my bloodstream and just lost five minutes off my lifespan. (my fault, not yours)
I'm sorry your guy is like that but my advice (what I would do in your position) is probably farther than you're willing to go.0
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