Deciding not to date while losing weight? Your thoughts?

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  • dym123
    dym123 Posts: 1,670 Member
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    Right now, my life is all about me, and I don't have space for someone else. That may sound harsh, but if I want to be the best I can be, I need to be 100% committed to myself. I am getting fitter, healthier and most importantly, HAPPIER by the day, and I will be a better person at the end of this than I have ever been before. I am choosing to wait until I am that person, until I love myself, inside and out, before asking someone else to love me.

    That's the right decision for me, but everyone is different. You have to do what is right for you :happy:

    This is how I feel. Right now it has to be all about me and getting to where I need to be, not just about getting fit, but also getting my financial house in order as well as my actual house.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
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    I think it makes sense to focus on yourself when focusing on yourself.
  • Siege_Tank
    Siege_Tank Posts: 781 Member
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    I'm doing the same thing. I have to agree with the second poster, I'm a calorie obsessed driven siege tank rt now
  • Mallyycatt
    Mallyycatt Posts: 118 Member
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    I think it's a personal choice... Things always tend to happen while you aren't looking. So maybe take the time you need and upon that, you'll meet someone that will like you for you! :)

    Good luck to you!
  • juniperleaves
    juniperleaves Posts: 45
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    I wouldn't completely rule it out! I can understand not wanting to get into anything serious, especially since you're trying to work/focus on yourself, but if something comes up, don't reject it just because you're trying to lose weight! If someone can love you and be attracted to you as you are now, then they're someone worth being with.

    Plus if people reject you because of your size, it's just helping you weed out the jerks.

    However, there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself! :)
  • xstarxdustx
    xstarxdustx Posts: 591 Member
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    Should be comfortable with yourself and in your own skin first.

    If you are, then by all means. If you're not, might be best to wait until you are.
  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,124 Member
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    I'm married... but I think it might not be a bad idea. It's really hard to make adjustments both up and down while you're with someone. I finally had to have a talk with my hubby (who has only known me to be heavy except the very small window when I was close to my goal weight right after we got married) about the changes we needed to make. He has a very fast motabolism and can eat whatever he wants. I told him that these changes were going to be permanent and I realize its not what was when we first got together... but either he embraced it or it wasn't going to work.

    Anyway, short story is that is always hard to make changes while you're in a relationship so it might be better for you and your future significant other to make them now while you're alone rather than cause a strain later, if that makes sense.
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
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    I'd say that your best bet is to avoid seeking out dates but to not avoid them if someone seems genuinely interested.
  • chriswhudson
    chriswhudson Posts: 39
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    In my humble opinion as a man, I find that women give off a certain energy when men are around them especially if they are nuerologically and chemically attracted to them. I feel that the energy you give off when you are conversating with men may be difficult for them to understand your body language. It's like the hidden message, you can't be yourself because of the things you are dealing with internally and therefore you give off 50% of your energy and this does not allow you to be you. I agree by looking at your profile you are sexy and respectfull and exude all the qualities of a real women. Dating is part of your life and that can also keep you focused on loosing weight. If you are getting rejected tooo much it's a clear sign that the type of men you attract are not compatible with you. If you choose to date and the partner your with can't support or understand that food and alcohol consumption are important to you as far as control, do you really think he cares about you internally anyway!!!!!! I will say this to all women date on your terms, you tell me what you want and also what I need to do to be apart of your life, becaus your are the female you are in control. WATCH WHAT WE WILL DO FOR YOU!!!!!
  • michellechawner
    michellechawner Posts: 892
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    I am reminded of a quote from that queen of curve, Marilyn Monroe

    ".... if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

    ^^This.

    I'm very lucky, my boyfriend and I met when I was "heavier" (at my heaviest, 167, i was 150 when I met him). It's been a journey and we've grown together during it.

    And in reference to that quote above, he has seen me at my worst (weight, sickness, hospitalization...) and he def deserves to see me at my best. Maybe take a little time, work on yourself, and who knows, maybe someone will come along who isn't bothered by your size, the way you look, etc.
  • salcha76
    salcha76 Posts: 287 Member
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    I joined match 2 years ago, out of boredom at work.....I was in the middle of HCG (wrong now i know..) and was still able to casually date....I was honest w/the guys....yup, i'm loosing weight, nope I'm not perfect....sure i can have a salad & a drink.......I wasn't obsessed about finding mr right, I was pretty aloof about it....and I stayed honest....

    One guy actually said my tummy looked like the back of a bulldogs neck:sad: now that sucked......and this guy wasn't after me he was after the "hot" girl.....I'm ok with that....cause "hot" girls don't have a whole lot else to carry them thru life......

    The guy that did find me.....knew that I grew up with weight issues, was still struggling with them & on a journey to becoming a better healthier me...and appreciated my realism and honesty....he saw the good days & the bad days....he was considerate and thoughtful, knowing I have to fit in a work out....knowing that ice cream nights are special occasions....cutting back on alcohol to be social....and 2 years later I'm in a great relationship.

    My advice would be to not shut the door on dating....just see what happens & be honest with who you are.....I believe in love and fairy tales and being real & finding a best friend/lover/mate all in one package.... :heart:
  • kuntry_navy
    kuntry_navy Posts: 677 Member
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    i'm not doing it to get skinny, but while i go to school to get my career on track. it's a whole lot easier getting your goals accomplished, when 100% of your energy is focused on the task. if it's your goal to get skinny, it's a good idea. if your getting skinny only to find a guy, you may be missing someone right under your nose
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
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    I know with a lot of post I read I constantly say “I LOVE this thread” but this one….I really really LOVE this friggin thread.

    For my entire 30 years of living I have always devoted my love and energy towards other people. Whether it be family, my kids, whatever boyfriend I had at the time…never myself. NEV-ER myself. I have never learned to love myself because growing up, I was never good enough. So unfortunately, this frame of mind has stuck with me. Im slllooooowwwlly learning; slowly….how to cope with knowing that yes, I am beautiful and yes, I am worth more than I truly think. Low self esteem is a b*tch and its hard getting rid of her…but im tryin. SO that being said…I recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and really trying hard to just do me and find out who I am and learn to love myself. My energy for men or trying to find “the one” is gone; completely. Its not easy because in the back of my head, I do love being in a relationship and with the right person…its great. But in my state of mind right now, im NOT happy with the way I look and it totally wouldn’t be fair to bring someone into my life and my brain and suck the energy out of them with my negativity. (and trust me, even if you dont speak it...your energy will for you)

    Until I truly am in love with myself…that’s when my soul will be glowing and the rest will come into place.

    You gotta find what works for you ma….good luck :heart:
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
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    I'm thinking of not dating while I work on improving myself here. Two reasons behind this.
    1. Simply tired of the rejection based on my size. I know physical attraction is important, but the constant rejection is really getting to me.
    2. Most dates involve getting drinks and/or food, and this just makes it harder to lose.

    Has anyone done this or currently doing this? I've always wondered if men who seemed turned off by my size would suddenly be interested in a smaller me. And if so, will I have some sort of resentment towards them for it? Curious what others' thoughts on this are.

    I'm not dating while I'm doing this.. It's not really about fear of rejection though. Right now I'd rather spend the time working towards my goals instead of out on dates.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    I am reminded of a quote from that queen of curve, Marilyn Monroe

    ".... if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

    I have to say that as much as I admire Marilyn Monroe I'm not a big fan of this quote. The idea that if we're not attracted to you at your 'worst' is ludicrous. I for one am not attracted to someone who's obese and doesn't take care of themselves. Does that make me shallow? Maybe.

    But it doesn't make me any less genuine or proud when the weight does come off.

    OP I support your idea of not dating until your weight comes off. I think you should use this time to focus on yourself and decide who you really want in a partner. Maybe someone that wants you to be at your best rather than someone who is willing to settle for you at your worst.

    All of this. I don't expect anyone to be attracted to me when I'm at my worst, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

    Obviously we are all different, so I won't pretend to know your situation, but I can say that I had very little self-awareness and no real idea at all what I was looking for in a man when I was overweight. As the weight came off and I saw what I was capable of, it suddenly became very clear to me. I know exactly who I am and exactly what I'm looking for.

    Dating would've been a disaster for me before, whether things went well or went badly. I wouldn't have been emotionally prepared for either situation. I would've thought that every failed date was a personal rejection of me rather than simply two people who weren't meant to be together. And if things went well, I would've created unrealistic expectations about what would happen next.

    Now that I've lost the weight, I am comfortable with who I am, and I can handle whatever comes. If a date doesn't go well, I can say it was worth a shot. If it does go well, I can enjoy it without thinking that one good date means anything other than we'd like to do it again.

    Being single right now would not be my first choice, but for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that if I never find "the one," I'll be okay. I like myself. I enjoy my life. I am an incredibly lucky woman already.
  • 58cayo
    58cayo Posts: 26
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    Dating is so stressful no matter what your size! What about friends making new friends, JUST friends? Then if you hit it off you have a new friend or it blossoms into more and you have a good friend with benefits!
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    If they reject you then they are missing out, simply have to think of it that way.

    I am more than willing to date while losing weight, I am doing so right now and I have had no issues when it comes to refusing food or drink, I simply let them know that I am not hungry or that I'd rather have water instead and they have said nothing of it. If they cannot respect that then they probably won't respect you in other ways.

    Love yourself, love your body as it changes and then you will find you have a lot more confidence and more often than not more charisma. I am definitely a food/exercise obsessed person but it doesn't seem to bother the guy I am seeing (at least not that he verbalized or in his body language) and he has actually talked to me a few times about it as he knows that I am on my path to getting fit and healthy. No shame in it!

    So don't restrict yourself or you could miss out on something great, some of the best things in life are missed because we were too focused and let them pass on by.
  • Ben2118
    Ben2118 Posts: 571 Member
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    I'm not, simply because I wouldn't date me right now. It's a hard question to ask yourself but it's not just about the way you look, it's your mental attitude and confidence too. They all get better as you become happier with yourself, you can be happy with yourself at any weight, that's down to how you feel about you. I'm not happy now, but I know in time I will be, then I will look to share something with someone.
  • EricMurano
    EricMurano Posts: 825 Member
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    Take a break from dating if you just need the time to focus on yourself. A lot of the time you meet someone when you stop looking.

    By the way I think you're pretty.
  • Happy_10yr
    Happy_10yr Posts: 287 Member
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    It's the sad truth. But more times than not, looks are the deciding factor in dating.

    Consider developing a really good friendship. Friends are the family that you choose. You can interact in a meaningful while focusing on your fitness goals and possibly gaining their support.

    Another challenging issue is how much attention you may get once you reach/exceed your fitness goal. I know a few friends who were so freaked out by all the attention that they gained back/plus the weight.

    Simple and basic........Be you and Do you.

    You know why you are on this health journey. Folks need to accept you (all of you, regardless of your appearance). There are beautiful looking people who are miserable. Some that society may view as not so beautiful that are incredible people.

    A point of any attractive person is their expressed confidence, not arrogance.

    Focus on your goals, the hard work that you are doing to attain them and confidence in what you have accomplished to date.

    The right person will see "you" for all the right reasons!!

    Good Luck and have a great day!!

    Keep your head up and smile!!

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