How do i stop being nice?

joshuapack

I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.

I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?

or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)

wolverine66

i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.

Special_Sauce

Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.

DrBentonQuest

Well, your first problem is definitely confidence.

You are twenty-seven years old. You've never experienced a solitary event with a person of the sex that you are attracted to? Dinner, movie, walk through the park? Guess what? Those are dates.

But I get what you are saying...you want a fancy dinner, cocktails, a conversation, and presumably, sex. So why are you being denied by the women you approach? I have a few theories myself, but I don't even know you.

If you look to date for loneliness, you will end up lonely. Nothing will be fulfilling because you will always reflect on a position of weakness. Go out casually. No pressure, no qualms. Sleep around if it makes you more confident. Everyone likes to be told that he or she is pretty.

All things being equal, dating is expensive. Let's say, conservatively, that you spend $100 per date and go on two a week...that's just over $10,000 by the end of the year. And all things being equal, the odds of you finding that 'perfect someone' are astronomically low. On the other hand, you could get a dog. Average dog ownership in the US costs about $9500...for the life of the dog. A dog will bring you years of happiness and certainly solve your lonesome blues.

craigmandu

i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.

I'll second this. Don't go overboard trying to "make it happen"..

TylerJ76

Why on earth would you stop being nice?/

Excuse_less

Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!

odusgolp

Start doing things YOU love... and focus on you and your confidence. The rest will come (or maybe not, but you told me to be nice, so I'm all... glass half full and stuff).

escloflowneCHANGED

Send junk pics to girls on MFP, they love that stuff!

BeachIron

Stop thinking that it's because you're "nice." I don't know you so it's obviously hard to judge, but in my experience, the guys saying it's because they are "nice" are usually acting like *kitten* around women and may or may not even realize it because they're trying to be something they aren't. Relax and just be you.

Some_Watery_Tart

Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.

^^ Yeah, totally do this. Women love being told what we're going to do--right before we do whatever we want anyway.

But really, why are you asking how to stop being nice? What does that have to do with getting a date? Geez. The whole "nice guys finish last" attitude is not attractive. Don't buy into it.

Work on your self esteem. Learn to love yourself. It really sounds like that should be your priority right now.

Alex_is_Hawks

Why on earth would you stop being nice?/

This!! ^^^

oh god this....

Look...you don't need to stress about all the girls that turn you down. They missed an opportunity...

all you need to worry about is the one that doesn't. It only takes one.

and the one that sees you for who you really are (without changing yourself, please don't change yourself) is the ONLY one that matters.

and dating is expensive, don't be in a big hurry to "date"

just make friends and try to grow something from there.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

It's not a matter of nice, it's a matter of attraction and confidence and maybe a few layers of something else (without knowing you personally, IDK). Try eharmony or match.com and start on a level playing field. If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.

Special_Sauce

Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.

^^ Yeah, totally do this. Women love being told what we're going to do--right before we do whatever we want anyway.

But really, why are you asking how to stop being nice? What does that have to do with getting a date? Geez. The whole "nice guys finish last" attitude is not attractive. Don't buy into it.

Work on your self esteem. Learn to love yourself. It really sounds like that should be your priority right now.

I don't mean that we're going to be bossy. I just mean, be assertive. Portray confidence even if you don't believe or feel it. And to me, body language...have to master body language even when not speaking to a woman.

PlayerHatinDogooder

Nice isn't the problem.

My guess would be that you lack assertiveness.

Start strength training.

Timshel_

Being nice is not the issue. You just need to be confident in who you are.

_DaniD_

(I do have depression, so try and be nice)

You sound fun.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

you don't have to not be nice. Maybe try putting yourself out there more with women who have common interests? Best of luck!

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

It's not a matter of nice, it's a matter of attraction and confidence and maybe a few layers of something else (without knowing you personally, IDK). Try eharmony or match.com and start on a level playing field. If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.

This. You would probably benefit from a dating site because you can communicate in writing first and get to know each other a little that way. When it is time to meet in person, you already know a bit about each other and can connect a little better. Just be honest about who you are and what your interests are.

kimmie185

It will happen when it happens, I wouldn't force or push yourself into it.
Just be patient and the right girl will come along and discover you.

ItsCasey

Nice isn't the problem.

My guess would be that you lack assertiveness.

Start strength training.

This is solid advice.

salladeve

Be friendly, funny and interested in them as friends. Go out and do things that you like to do, and you will meet someone with the same interests. Something will come of that. Don't push too hard or be to desperate, girls hate that.

Morninglory81

Confidence is sexy. Be comfortable in your self and the women who appreciate who you are will show themselves.

EmilyOfTheSun

Easy girls usually like *kitten* holes. Just treat them like *kitten* and they'll flock to you.

jimmmer

so try and be nice

Stop trying. Seriously, you need to find someone who likes you for you, not what you think you need to act like.

I'm not a bundle of fun. I hate fancy dress parties. If I had a lawn I'd be yelling for people to get off of it.

Yet, I have managed to have a sustained relationship for a decade. My secret? Finding someone who accepts me, as me, irregardless of my many flaws. I return the favour for her, too.

cosmic8o8

Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

cmcollins001

Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.

Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.

As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.

IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.

theCarlton

Most of the guys who think or who are told they're too nice are not too nice. That part is just fine. I don't know you personally, so I don't know if this applies to you, but it does for every other guy I do know. What you lack is confidence. The dumbest and ugliest men I know have game because they don't act like there's anything wrong with being dumb or ugly. They either believe they are a tremendous catch, or they pretend they believe that, and no one can tell the difference.

In your case, you're likely projecting the fact that you are depressed. It probably comes off as feeling sorry for yourself, which is not the most masculine quality in the world. Time to change your outlook on yourself and your life. Baby steps. You will get there. "Fake it 'til you make it."

Pixi_Rex

Stop being the friend and just be like "wanna go out?" I friend zoned someone because I honestly didn't think he was interested in anything more than just being friends. If you want to go out with someone just ask, be genuine and confident - that makes a whole world of difference. If they say no move on to the next, eventually you will find that one girl that see you for you and who will know you are worth it.


Edited for typos.

cmcollins001

Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

Ummm...being oneself and improving oneself don't exactly go hand in hand. Being me is funny, kicked backed, easy going, passionate about certain things, funny, daring, and completely and totally awesome. However, improving my general weight and health have nothing to do with that. I was awesome when I was fatter and I'll be awesome when I'm more fit.

So, to say, "be yourself" is not worthless advice.

ldrosophila

start looking at or below your league? Look for the desperate women?