How do i stop being nice?

Options
135678

Replies

  • jimmmer
    jimmmer Posts: 3,515 Member
    Options
    Yes. "Being yourself" is bad advice for those who are struggling, honestly. "Just being yourself" could mean being content to watch TV all day, not go to work, and drink beer. Not really attractive.

    What you're talking about there are character traits that are manifesting in a social unhealthy way. The character trait you are describing is being "laid back" and has manifested itself in that mode known as "lunching out". Now you can be true to being laid back without being a luncher. You don't have to change your character, just your focus: channel that "laid-back-ness" into other avenues, or focus it better so that it forms a healthy part of a web of surrounding activities.
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    Options
    Don't start in the first place.
  • alisha_1983
    alisha_1983 Posts: 507 Member
    Options
    A man with confidence is a very sexy thing! ...just sayin :)
  • Bernadette60614
    Bernadette60614 Posts: 707 Member
    Options
    May you are asking out the wrong women...

    Maybe you are asking them out in such a way that it feels too aggressive....

    I don't know what your interests might be, but if you are into football, beer and staying out all night...the bookish, academically oriented girls probably aren't going to want to go out drinking all night with you. But, the cheerleaders might.... (I know this is a generality, so be nice...)

    If you are going up to a girl you barely know and say: Please go out with me. I think you're really pretty...that might make her uncomfortable. If you say instead: Hey, great meeting you. Would you like to get together for coffee next week? That's casual and not threatening.

    Men don't have it easy...it hurts to be rejected. But, just think of it as practice till you meet the right girls.
  • earl_grey
    earl_grey Posts: 9 Member
    Options
    The idea that girls don't go for "nice guys" is a complete myth. I only ever dated nice guys and my husband is literally the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Just check out the current MFP topic: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/995469-nice-guys-vs-bad-boys and you'll see how many women go for nice guys. Please understand that being a "nice guy" has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you can't get a date.

    Speaking from personal experience, if women are turning you down when you ask them out it's because there is something about you that is turning them off. I don't mean your appearance, I mean your attitude. More than likely, if you're suffering from depression, you're sending out negative vibes to the girls you talk to and they are picking up on it. No girl wants be around someone who seems desperate or already believes they're doomed for failure.

    It's hard to accept, but talk to people you trust and ask their honest opinion about what you could improve on in your attitude. You're on the right track by exercising and eating healthier, taking care of yourself is incredibly important and makes you a happier and more interesting person.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    Options
    (I do have depression, so try and be nice)

    You sound fun.

    yeah, you might not want to put that into any date requests. that's a nugget of info for, like, the second date.
  • Snow3y
    Snow3y Posts: 1,412 Member
    Options
    Keep looking bud, if they turn you down, it's their loss :) Never live with regrets, don't change for anyone
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Options
    What you're talking about there are character traits that are manifesting in a social unhealthy way. The character trait you are describing is being "laid back" and has manifested itself in that mode known as "lunching out". Now you can be true to being laid back without being a luncher. You don't have to change your character, just your focus: channel that "laid-back-ness" into other avenues, or focus it better so that it forms a healthy part of a web of surrounding activities.

    That's very good way of putting of it.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Be friendly, funny and interested in them as friends. Go out and do things that you like to do, and you will meet someone with the same interests. Something will come of that. Don't push too hard or be to desperate, girls hate that.

    Yea, I have actually have had a hard time with finding friends until recently, because I have always been shy person. Just recently have I been able to come out of my shell, but it is due to school and trust issues from friends stabbing me in my back.
  • Bernadette60614
    Bernadette60614 Posts: 707 Member
    Options
    Do you have a good friend who is a woman who can give you an honest assessment of you and your approach?

    It may be something simple like: You mumble. Your personal hygiene isn't what it should be. You dress in out of date clothing.

    A lot of "attraction" for good or ill is based upon appearances. And, if your appearance says "I don't care about myself"...then that will be a turn-off.

    Also, I can't recommend highly enough: The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy. It changed my relationships in an incredibly positive way.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
    Options
    Confidence, Chivalry, Honesty and Integrity mixed with some good date idea's are a potent and sexy combination no matter who you are (though chivalry is term usually applied to men... but the others for both genders).

    If you can show these qualities it makes you very appealing, the more appealing you are the more likely you will find a date.

    However! Your date or companion will reflect the quest of companionship, if you are looking to conform to the norm and/or just find someone so you are not lonely then you are likely to find a relationship that reflects that and may not in entirety be what you are looking for. You also will want to reflect some of the more important traits you want to find in a mate, basically if a guy expects a girl to be fit and 'maintained' (look aesthetically pleasing) then he should be the same. You attract what you are.
  • AliciaStinger
    AliciaStinger Posts: 402 Member
    Options
    I thought maybe, since I'm a girl, I could help you - but some of the best starting advice came from the guy who posted:
    Stop thinking that it's because you're "nice." I don't know you so it's obviously hard to judge, but in my experience, the guys saying it's because they are "nice" are usually acting like *kitten* around women and may or may not even realize it because they're trying to be something they aren't. Relax and just be you.

    That's half of why the "nice guys" theory doesn't fly. The other half is because women are not mass-manufactured robots, and we don't all like "bad boys". Don't make assumptions about all women; we have different interests, different quirks, and different opinions/beliefs. We are also attracted to different things - which is lucky, because if all women liked the same things, every man who isn't Ryan Gosling would be single for life. (For the record, that man is not attractive to me in the least. I don't even know what he's famous for. However, I do like Roger Taylor from the band Queen, and Roger Daltrey from The Who. I also think that both John Lennon and Paul McCartney have their cute moments. I'm very into my music, and I wonder if the fact that my celebrity crushes are all musicians is just coincidence, or if I'd be less attracted if we didn't have music in common.)

    While all women are different, here are things that the majority of women are attracted to: nice personality, confidence, and a sense of humor. Are you funny and outgoing with your buddies? Be that way around girls. Are you good with animals, elderly people, kids, or other cute things? Do you remember the little things (like favorite songs or birthdays)? Would you stop what you're doing and help someone else? People find these kinds of things attractive. You may be one of a million people who will pull over and get the turtle off the road, but she doesn't know the other 999,999 guys, which makes you stand out in a good way.

    Confidence, as others have said, sounds like it's lacking here. Since women like different things, there are women who will accept you just the way you are - but you have to put yourself out there. Even if you're shy, if you don't show interest, you can't expect anything to happen. If you're nice and have a sense of humor, girls may come up to you, but again, assume that if you want something, you have to make it happen. We all have our strengths and weaknesses; the only confidence issue that is a turn off to me is when someone says, "I don't know why you'd want to be with someone like me." If you have to question why someone likes you, ask only inside your head; if you think that someone only likes you because they don't want to hurt your feelings or because they're lonely too, your relationship probably won't last long or end well.

    Get involved in something you're interested in - go to concerts; volunteer at the animal shelter; if religion is important to you, get involved at your place of worship; just GO OUT. Go out with your buddies, go out alone, go wherever women can be found and see if someone catches your eye. If you're not comfortable talking to women, write a note - heck, make business cards that say, "I'm shy and you're attractive. Here's my phone number." (Just don't pass them out to two or more women in the same room...they will assume you're just trying to get laid. If you ARE just trying to get laid, make cards that say, "For a good time, call [your number]" because they'll either appreciate the honesty or come to your place for a few hours - which can also lead to a relationship.)

    Try a dating website. Try having someone set you up. There are so many opportunities; you just have to try.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Confidence is sexy. Be comfortable in your self and the women who appreciate who you are will show themselves.

    I have had a hard time with being confident after a few put downs, But I have started to be more confident in the way i handle myself lately, and maybe I just want stuff to come too fast.

    Thanks :)
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    so try and be nice

    Stop trying. Seriously, you need to find someone who likes you for you, not what you think you need to act like.

    I'm not a bundle of fun. I hate fancy dress parties. If I had a lawn I'd be yelling for people to get off of it.

    Yet, I have managed to have a sustained relationship for a decade. My secret? Finding someone who accepts me, as me, irregardless of my many flaws. I return the favour for her, too.

    Thanks. it just seems like who I am is not working.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

    I definitely agree. But I also think when people were saying to be myself, was to not change any good things about me... or at least how I took it
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.

    Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.

    As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.

    IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.

    I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Most of the guys who think or who are told they're too nice are not too nice. That part is just fine. I don't know you personally, so I don't know if this applies to you, but it does for every other guy I do know. What you lack is confidence. The dumbest and ugliest men I know have game because they don't act like there's anything wrong with being dumb or ugly. They either believe they are a tremendous catch, or they pretend they believe that, and no one can tell the difference.

    In your case, you're likely projecting the fact that you are depressed. It probably comes off as feeling sorry for yourself, which is not the most masculine quality in the world. Time to change your outlook on yourself and your life. Baby steps. You will get there. "Fake it 'til you make it."

    Thanks. Yea, I just know that people on forums can be mean/troll and I really didn't want that on this thread.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
    Options
    Stop being the friend and just be like "wanna go out?" I friend zoned someone because I honestly didn't think he was interested in anything more than just being friends. If you want to go out with someone just ask, be genuine and confident - that makes a whole world of difference. If they say no move on to the next, eventually you will find that one girl that see you for you and who will know you are worth it.


    Edited for typos.

    Yea, I have done this a few times, and didn't work out, but it could be a numbers game and I just don't do it enough.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Options
    OP: http://succeedsocially.com/
  • jimmmer
    jimmmer Posts: 3,515 Member
    Options
    so try and be nice

    Stop trying. Seriously, you need to find someone who likes you for you, not what you think you need to act like.

    I'm not a bundle of fun. I hate fancy dress parties. If I had a lawn I'd be yelling for people to get off of it.

    Yet, I have managed to have a sustained relationship for a decade. My secret? Finding someone who accepts me, as me, irregardless of my many flaws. I return the favour for her, too.

    Thanks. it just seems like who I am is not working.

    Working in what way? You can't be "desperate" to be with someone, you'll just end up looking desperate. It's a turn off.

    When I say be yourself, I mean have the confidence to be yourself. Not doubt the way you are and worry and fret about it and feel inadequate because you're not making plays with the ladies. Unless you develop the maturity and confidence to really "be yourself" in the way I mean it, you'll just be pretending to be something you're not and then you'll be "desperate" and "fake" - hardly mission accomplished.

    I guess the question is, do you want to be yourself or a fake version of someone else?

Categories