How do i stop being nice?

UsedToBeHusky

Can I just add one more thing, OP?

Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

joshuapack

Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!

i agree with this

you need to go out and do things that interest you - museums, art show, concerts, sporting events, etc - then you'll meet people with the same interested as you.

i met my husband at a concert at Lincoln Center - I wasn't going to go because my friend canceled out - I decided to go alone and it was the best thing i ever did.

my husband was there with his best friend - they noticed i was all alone at intermission and can by to talk to me.

at the end of the concert they waited for me and asked if i'd like to grab a bite and a drink.

we've been together for 22 years.


and whatever you decide to do please don't stop being a nice guy - nice guys are truly sexy and loving.

Aww thank you! You are so sweet. I think you are right. I do need to. But the problem is, I am a programmer and that is what I love doing. Programming. I don't play video games, I build programs for other people to enjoy. So it can be hard to find people with similar interests. I may need to get another hobby......

joshuapack

Hang in there

I don't know what you said before, but thanks

joshuapack

Well it's not your looks, you're a handsome man. I don't know you, so I can't speculate about your personality.

Thank you! I used to feel ugly, and only recently have I felt good looking, and now I want to be fit to grow that confidence in myself.

joshuapack

Also, props to you for actually reading and responding to everyone's comments. Best of luck!

Haha, thanks. I really appreciate the amount of support this forum has given. to tell you the truth i was little afraid because of ready other peoples posts, it look like a lot of trolls and mean people.

joshuapack

I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.

CRUSHED!

Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.

people love people who love life.

I think just seeing all my friends being happy is what gets to me. Also, watching stupid movies, and feeling that I never have experienced that. But that is part of my problem too, I shouldn't be worrying about other people or what the media portrays, it's just hard not to sometimes, you know?

joshuapack

Can I just add one more thing, OP?

Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

Haha, thanks. I know you think people with depression will not make it in a marriage, which I sure hope that isn't true.

UsedToBeHusky

I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.

CRUSHED!

Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.

people love people who love life.

I think just seeing all my friends being happy is what gets to me. Also, watching stupid movies, and feeling that I never have experienced that. But that is part of my problem too, I shouldn't be worrying about other people or what the media portrays, it's just hard not to sometimes, you know?

I do understand. But you just can't hold on to those feelings. Shake them off and know that happiness doesn't come from the people around you. It comes from within.

joshuapack

I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing

I'm sorry. I do not have any advice on being a woman. I thought you wanted to get laid.

The whole "only want a relationship" could definitely stand in the way of your making progress. Maybe try church...or the library...maybe flirt with the girls in your therapists waiting room...

Haha, no problem

UsedToBeHusky

Can I just add one more thing, OP?

Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

Haha, thanks. I know you think people with depression will not make it in a marriage, which I sure hope that isn't true.

I don't think that you won't make it in a marriage. You just need to be sure that you are ready for it, hon. That's all I'm saying. All my best. Don't know if you are a spiritual person, but I will be sending prayers up for you. :flowerforyou:

Lynds7128

so try and be nice

Stop trying. Seriously, you need to find someone who likes you for you, not what you think you need to act like.

I'm not a bundle of fun. I hate fancy dress parties. If I had a lawn I'd be yelling for people to get off of it.

Yet, I have managed to have a sustained relationship for a decade. My secret? Finding someone who accepts me, as me, irregardless of my many flaws. I return the favour for her, too.

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yes, this'll do!

saxmaniac

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

Ah, that's part of your problem. I grew up Christian too.

Listen, most Christians don't make into marriage without having sex first. It's a nice idea if it happens, but do NOT hold that up as the gold standard... unless you are so smooth, you are rejecting women. Which you're not. You're going to have to be like the rest of us and go out and make mistakes and maybe get your heart shredded a few times.

Also, don't listen to advice from anyone who wasn't in your situation and got out of it. There's a ton of well-meaning, but bad advice here from people who are not, or never were, *anything* like you. So, take advice from men who have attracted a woman and actually kept them. If your goal is marriage, then from men who have married a woman and are still married to them.

CorvusCorax77

Brutal honesty follows:

This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.

You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.

Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.

Let the flaming begin....

Haha, that is a great post

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

I was gonna say that generalizations about women suck. I'm not going to go with the guy who just slept with someone to feel better about himself. That, to me, is not attractive at all and would be a major turn off. Just sayin'.

joshuapack

Can I just add one more thing, OP?

Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

Haha, thanks. I know you think people with depression will not make it in a marriage, which I sure hope that isn't true.

I don't think that you won't make it in a marriage. You just need to be sure that you are ready for it, hon. That's all I'm saying. All my best. Don't know if you are a spiritual person, but I will be sending prayers up for you. :flowerforyou:

I am, and I appreciate it.

CorvusCorax77

Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.

You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.


Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.

Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.

I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.

I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.

Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.

I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.

Just sayin'.

I'm sorry. I stand by my advice. I know lots of people married to depressed individuals that find themselves in difficult situations that test the boundaries of the marriage. Certainly, it creates a burden for the other person, and if they are strong enough, the marriage might survive, but given the divorce rate in our society, I think more often than not, those marriages don't survive.

I suppose, if the individual is doing all that they can to get treatment, then, it could work out. And I sure hope the best for the OP, but based on the fact that he has let a few random forum threads drag him down today, I don't think he is in a good place at the moment.

that's cool that you stand by your advice. I just don't think it's helpful to put your life on hold because you have depression. I think the cure involves living life and manifesting appreciation for your blessings.

joshuapack

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

Ah, that's part of your problem. I grew up Christian too.

Listen, most Christians don't make into marriage without having sex first. It's a nice idea if it happens, but do NOT hold that up as the gold standard... unless you are so smooth, you are rejecting women. Which you're not. You're going to have to be like the rest of us and go out and make mistakes and maybe get your heart shredded a few times.

Also, don't listen to advice from anyone who wasn't in your situation and got out of it. There's a ton of well-meaning, but bad advice here from people who are not, or never were, *anything* like you.

Thanks. Your last sentence is true. Your statement of being a christian is my problem falls under that same sentence. Which you very well could be right. But, I do hold that to a high esteem and feel like if I let go of that, what is life even living for. Granted I came here for advice, so I am trying to take everyones advice with a grain of salt.

Thank you for your advice. I do think I need to experience and make mistakes, but definitely not on purpose.

neandermagnon

Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.

Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.

As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.

IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.

I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.

pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women

if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.

Well, currently, all my friends who are girls are married, so I wouldn't want to do that, but I see what you are saying. good advice

take up a hobby or something... something that you'll enjoy... but that gets you out of the house and meeting different people. You meet in the context of sharing a hobby, you have something in common right from the start, so that is a good way to meet people that you are more likely to click with. BTW this only works if you take up the hobby/activity for its own sake, you're not using it as a pick-up joint. And if you don't meet someone you still have a new hobby, which is a good thing to have when you're trying to beat depression (this is from personal experience of mental health issues btw, anything that gets you out of the house and doing stuff you enjoy is good for you.... if you happen to meet someone in the process, then that's two great things from it)

UsedToBeHusky

Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.

You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.


Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.

Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.

I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.

I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.

Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.

I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.

Just sayin'.

I'm sorry. I stand by my advice. I know lots of people married to depressed individuals that find themselves in difficult situations that test the boundaries of the marriage. Certainly, it creates a burden for the other person, and if they are strong enough, the marriage might survive, but given the divorce rate in our society, I think more often than not, those marriages don't survive.

I suppose, if the individual is doing all that they can to get treatment, then, it could work out. And I sure hope the best for the OP, but based on the fact that he has let a few random forum threads drag him down today, I don't think he is in a good place at the moment.

that's cool that you stand by your advice. I just don't think it's helpful to put your life on hold because you have depression. I think the cure involves living life and manifesting appreciation for your blessings.

Well... it's been my experience that bringing baggage to a relationship is a problem.

rob1976

Brutal honesty follows:

This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.

You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.

Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.

Let the flaming begin....

Haha, that is a great post

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

I was gonna say that generalizations about women suck. I'm not going to go with the guy who just slept with someone to feel better about himself. That, to me, is not attractive at all and would be a major turn off. Just sayin'.

Who's telling you who they slept with last? It's none of your f'ing business.

joshuapack

Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.

Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.

As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.

IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.

I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.

pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women

if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.

Well, currently, all my friends who are girls are married, so I wouldn't want to do that, but I see what you are saying. good advice

take up a hobby or something... something that you'll enjoy... but that gets you out of the house and meeting different people. You meet in the context of sharing a hobby, you have something in common right from the start, so that is a good way to meet people that you are more likely to click with. BTW this only works if you take up the hobby/activity for its own sake, you're not using it as a pick-up joint. And if you don't meet someone you still have a new hobby, which is a good thing to have when you're trying to beat depression (this is from personal experience of mental health issues btw, anything that gets you out of the house and doing stuff you enjoy is good for you.... if you happen to meet someone in the process, then that's two great things from it)

Yea, I need to find a hobby.... other then programming.

CorvusCorax77

Well... it's been my experience that bringing baggage to a relationship is a problem.

The only way to not have baggage is to not have an adult as a partner. That's my experience.

CorvusCorax77

Brutal honesty follows:

This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.

You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.

Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.

Let the flaming begin....

Haha, that is a great post

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

I was gonna say that generalizations about women suck. I'm not going to go with the guy who just slept with someone to feel better about himself. That, to me, is not attractive at all and would be a major turn off. Just sayin'.

Who's telling you who they slept with last? It's none of your f'ing business.

haha. OK then. You got awfully defensive about my personal preferences in a partner, didn't ya?

CorvusCorax77

take up a hobby or something... something that you'll enjoy... but that gets you out of the house and meeting different people. You meet in the context of sharing a hobby, you have something in common right from the start, so that is a good way to meet people that you are more likely to click with. BTW this only works if you take up the hobby/activity for its own sake, you're not using it as a pick-up joint. And if you don't meet someone you still have a new hobby, which is a good thing to have when you're trying to beat depression (this is from personal experience of mental health issues btw, anything that gets you out of the house and doing stuff you enjoy is good for you.... if you happen to meet someone in the process, then that's two great things from it)

This poster is one of my favorites. Here is an article about exactly this (and how it can lead to a happy long term relationship) and I think it's most excellent:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201004/can-profound-love-be-routine

Amberlynnek

Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!

Actuallly, getting a dog (a unique looking one) is a great idea. I actually made new friends and landed my boyfriend because of my dog....and he wasn't even a dog person. Just saying.

redraidergirl2009

Every relationship is different. It's not like in the movies if it's a real romance it's better. If you go looking for it you won't find it, it happens in the most unexpected time and place.

rob1976

Brutal honesty follows:

This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.

You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.

Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.

Let the flaming begin....

Haha, that is a great post

But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.

I was gonna say that generalizations about women suck. I'm not going to go with the guy who just slept with someone to feel better about himself. That, to me, is not attractive at all and would be a major turn off. Just sayin'.

Who's telling you who they slept with last? It's none of your f'ing business.

haha. OK then. You got awfully defensive about my personal preferences in a partner, didn't ya?

No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.

alisonlynn1976

Start talking to all kinds of people, not just women you find attractive. Be friendly to everyone. This will help get you more comfortable with approaching people in general, which will build your confidence.

joshuapack

Start talking to all kinds of people, not just women you find attractive. Be friendly to everyone. This will help get you more comfortable with approaching people in general, which will build your confidence.

Yes, thank you. I think you are right. Although I do have friends, I feel it can be hard sometimes to talk to people in general. When I drink though, I can talk all day! So maybe I just need to drink more? haha

joshuapack

Every relationship is different. It's not like in the movies if it's a real romance it's better. If you go looking for it you won't find it, it happens in the most unexpected time and place.

I've been told that so many times it has made me angry. haha. not really angry, but as a guy, it can be a bit hard not to want to find a relationship with someone.

I hate to say it, but as someone pointed out before. I really have dated. I'm just mad about the whole "nice guy" thread. The dates i've gone on were not "official" dates, but they were dates nonetheless in the sense of the word.

But you are right. every relationship is different and it is not like the movies. But I think sitting around waiting for it to fall on my lap, is not going to happen. I want to find someone I can truly feel comfortable with and can be with for the rest of my days.

joshuapack

Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!

Actuallly, getting a dog (a unique looking one) is a great idea. I actually made new friends and landed my boyfriend because of my dog....and he wasn't even a dog person. Just saying.

Yea, i've thought about that. not sure what kind of dog to get.