The Mediocre Mom
Options
Replies
-
Yep, to everything positive!
I have 5 kids, the oldest is 10, youngest is 15 months. Really the word is juggle not balance. I think we balance over our lifetime but we juggle day-to-day. I love the ideas about involving the kids in your journey. And there are times when you need to do it alone. Finding another mom with similar aged children and similar goals (not as hard as it might seem) that could swap kids with you helps a ton.
Our kids grow so quickly. Just remind yourself that it will get easier. There will come a day when the kids are in school and you will have that extra hour or two to dust off your ambitious to do list.
I promise! It gets easier!0 -
I totally understand where you are coming from. It is a hard balance being a good mom and taking care of yourself because sometimes the two seem to be mutually exclusive. I know that the minute I got pregnant, I was consumed with my baby. My baby's joy was mine and I was completely and happily devoted. As they get older, those feelings changed and it really bothered me. Why am I not enjoying this as much? Why would I rather be doing something else? I think this is the natural course of things though. If you watch animals, there is a point where the mom bats the babies away and snaps at them. She needs her space and they need to explore the world through their own eyes and not just through hers.
Make sure you don't burn yourself out. Ask for help when you need it, give yourself some breaks and make sure you do what you have to do to enjoy your kids and be an engaged mom. If you aren't feeling it, fake it till you make it. Every single day I think about the fact that you only get one shot with your kids. You're not going to be perfect, but you can always do your best.0 -
All I can say is knowing you first hand you are NOT a bad mom. You are an AMAZING mom don't let anybody stupid tell you different then that. Eddie and I have seen you with the girls first hand. Yes things get stressful and Yes things are hard. But I don't know one parent that at one point or another in there day or week or whatever period of time that hasn't gone oh my gosh because it gets stressful. But, that by no means makes you a bad mom. You have two beautiful amazing girls, they are sweet and very smart they didn't walk out of you that way, you helped mold them and make them what they are. Don't let anyone bring you down by saying that you're a bad mom because you are having an off day. Love you hun!!!!!! Keep you're head up not many people can do what you do.
So happy that someone who knows you is giving you a shout out!
I totally feel you. I have good days and bad days. I have kids that are the same age as your kids. I always want to be a good mother to them, but I definitely understand the desire to be selfish. Stay-at-home-moms rarely get a break. It isn't until kids start school that we really get our life back, and it's just a little bit of what we used to know.
Sounds like you are a good mother, who just wants some time to focus on herself and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Thanks for posting, because today has been a difficult "mom" day for me. It's good to know we are not alone
Congrats on your weight loss 0 -
To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.
I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.
That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.
Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.
This. Someone is suggesting that you seek outside PROFESSIONAL help, and the community bashes them? Yes, that's unhealthy.And for those of you who don't have children you can't honestly understand how hard it is to raise children.
To choose to have them means you also have to choose their well-being over yours if you have to. Tricky thing is, you have to have balance so that you also take care of yourself. If you don't, the kids will suffer.
And yea, I don't have kids. I don't mind NOT being part of that club.0 -
Alas, the pressure in our society to be the "perfect mom" prevails. Never mind that this pressure causes many women to feel depressed and overwhelmed. I hear in your replies here that you really love your kids. They can only benefit if you feel better about yourself and your self-esteem isn't completely dependent on making them and everyone else in your life happy. I don't think that's selfish. I am a therapist/social worker and have worked with women who do in fact emotionally neglect their children because they are deeply depressed. You are trying to prevent that from happening by making some big changes in your life.
A while back, I saw a story on the "Today" show about a woman who wrote a book admitting that she didn't always love being a mom. Man, you think this woman would have admitted to being an axe murderer by the reaction of some folks! We're all human beings. It's brave admitting that you feel conflicted about this right now. I'm glad that you have the support of your spouse, who is also one half of the parenting equation. Good luck on your efforts to make a positive change in your life!0 -
I have a 3 year old daughter as well and it's very difficult for me to separate who I am as an individual and who I am as a mom. I was always taught growing up that once you have kids you have to forget about yourself. As an adult with a child of my own now I know how wrong that was. How will I teach my daughter to love and take care of herself if I don't do it for myself? I know it's tough to try to do both. I try to include my little one by Just Dance on my Nintendo wii and I'm working out while playing with her. Best of luck to you :flowerforyou:0
-
To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.
I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.
That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.
Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.
This. Someone is suggesting that you seek outside PROFESSIONAL help, and the community bashes them? Yes, that's unhealthy.
Thanks. This thread has me almost in tears. I am a mom - I love my child more than anything in this world. I admit I don't understand not wanting to be around your children, but in no way was suggesting professional help being mean. It was an honest concern for her children, and seriously why would someone not want to have someone to help them through these feelings so they could label themselves as terrific mom rather than mediocre mom? It must be terrible to feel that way, so get the help, work through the issues, and your kids will thank you for it someday!0 -
It is good to hear from a pro!! To all those suggsting therapy, I am not convinced that it is nescesary in this case. Time for herself and her kids is what this Mum needs and therapy will not provide this! It will infact detract from this!
I think you are missunderstanding the meaning! Being a parent is inconvienient! There is nothing conveinient about having to wait for someone else to get home so that you can have a bath when you are covered from top to toe in god knows what!! But hat doesn't mean that your children are inconvienient! Often they are the only bright spot in a terrible day!!0 -
Yes having small children can be messy. Yes sometimes it can feel inconvenient. Yes you often have to put your needs on the back burner.
Then one day they are grown and gone and you will wish you could have them this small just for one day again.
My kids are 23, 17, and 14. The 23 year old, my daughter, moved out when she was 20. She moved to another state entirely when she was 21. I get to see her now only 3-4 times a year. We talk and text on the phone often but it's not the same.
My 17 year old is entering his senior year in the fall. He is going away to college after that...leaving home at 18. My 14 year old, who is entering high school in the fall, is also planning to go away for college at 18.
The time goes by so fast. Before you know it! Your kids will be on their way. Stop thinking of them as inconveniences and learn to treasure the fleeting time you have with them.0 -
To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.
I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.
That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.
Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.
This. Someone is suggesting that you seek outside PROFESSIONAL help, and the community bashes them? Yes, that's unhealthy.
Thanks. This thread has me almost in tears. I am a mom - I love my child more than anything in this world. I admit I don't understand not wanting to be around your children, but in no way was suggesting professional help being mean. It was an honest concern for her children, and seriously why would someone not want to have someone to help them through these feelings so they could label themselves as terrific mom rather than mediocre mom? It must be terrible to feel that way, so get the help, work through the issues, and your kids will thank you for it someday!
Thank you.
What if she had come on here and said her husband told her he didn't like being a dad, it was messy and inconvenient? How many people would defend him and say it's normal?
Raising children doesn't get any easier as they age. At times mine drove me crazy and there were too many nights I cried myself to sleep but not once did I ever think they were in my way.
I can't even look at this thread anymore. It makes me sick for anyone to think it's okay and normal to resent your children.0 -
When it comes to your healthy and losing weight you actually do have to put yourself first in some ways. Being a parent is not always fun or a joy. Anyone who says different is full of bologna in my eyes. You won't be pushing fun time aside forever, just until you get this weight in check and that is and should be a priority, period. It's like parents who have to work, they feel guilty they are not with their kids put you have to do what you have to do. Losing weight is something you HAVE to do.
Always remember that adversity builds character.0 -
When it comes to your healthy and losing weight you actually do have to put yourself first in some ways. Being a parent is not always fun or a joy. Anyone who says different is full of bologna in my eyes. You won't be pushing fun time aside forever, just until you get this weight in check and that is and should be a priority, period. It's like parents who have to work, they feel guilty they are not with their kids put you have to do what you have to do. Losing weight is something you HAVE to do.
Always remember that adversity builds character.
[/quote
Yes! Yes! Yes!0 -
Although I hesitate to get into what seems to be a rather nasty internet flaming war, I want to respond to some of the unhappiness of the two commentators who feel that their suggestions to get therapy were attacked. Again - I'm a therapist - and I do believe that a good therapist - plus other factors, like family support - can really help people get out of a rut. That said, we in this (U.S.) society tend to have this formula: need therapy = you must be crazy. I fear that the initial intensity of the "therapy" comment really did come off in this vein. Perhaps that was not the intent of the poster, but it's not surprising by the tone that it was received that way.
Hey, we could ALL benefit from therapy at some point in our lives. I have a therapist. I'm not embarrassed about it. But I started therapy b/c I needed and wanted to, not because someone said "Dang girl, you are messed UP, get some therapy now." I don't think I would react very well to that type of statement. Just my opinion - sometimes these internet forums turn into a nightmare of judgments, hurt feelings, etc etc - so we have to be careful how we word things. Peace out 0 -
I grew up with a mom who was a chronic overeater. I love my mom and she was an incredible role model in so many ways, but her overeating led her to a life with acid reflux, diabetes II, blood pressure issues, arthritis, and a host of other problems. It was hard for me to get a realistic sense of what a normal diet is supposed to be like, so I applaud other moms on here who are trying to get healthy, for three reasons.
1. You're getting healthy.
2. You may think you are blowing off your kids, but I think modeling good health is something kids really pick up on and it stays with them forever. And just because you may not be beating them over the head with all the "lessons" you're learning, doesn't mean they don't see what you're doing.
3. You're going to be around for them a lot longer. I am 34 and I'm still very close with my mom. I have a baby now and she helps me with him twice a week. I want her to have a long and close relationship with my baby boy, but it makes me incredibly sad when I think how much less time she will have with me and with him because of some stupid ice cream. Overeating is a terminal illness. Good news is, its treatable.0 -
I have four daughters, and I love being a mom! There ae times when it is tough, when it is dirty, when it is messy and when it is filled with uncertainty... but I love my daughters and I want the best for them, and over the last 14 years I've given everything I have to them and my family. I know who I am... and I know who I'm not, but still along the way I lost sight of who I am and gave into who I am not..
I looked in the mirror over Christmas 2011 and realized that in giving myself so fully to my family and not taking time for myself I was actually setting a rather poor example for my beautiful daughters. I am on this journey to healthy and fitness for myself ... this is true, but I am on this journey to fitness and health because I know it is the one thing I neglected for my girls. They need to see a healthy mom, because one day they will be moms and I don't want them looking in the mirror one day and saying ...wow I gave so much and got lost along the way.
I can't judge you on your post, because there is so much missing in the written word, but don't forget about your girls, include them in this journey and teach them to be the best they can be in health and fitness and you may find a happier, healthier place along the way.
Good Luck to you.
Wow, this resonates with me so much. It's like you are talking about me; and I'm sure many other mum's will also feel the same way. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
Thank you 0 -
I really hope you are able to come away from this thread with some positive advice, and that you can leave all the negativity and criticism behind. If therapy is not an option for you, perhaps you could find a mother's group or start a play group. That's something that was invaluable just because it helped me to hear another adult voice sometimes.
Perhaps you are one of those women who isn't made to be a stay at home mom. It isn't for everyone. I love it, but my sister was about to go crazy when she was on maternity leave. Maybe working part time might be good for you. None of us can truly understand your position, just because we aren't in it. Ignore the ugliness if you can, and consider the suggestions of those who were truly trying to be helpful.
I hope you are able to find what makes you and your family happy.0 -
I grew up with a mom who was a chronic overeater. I love my mom and she was an incredible role model in so many ways, but her overeating led her to a life with acid reflux, diabetes II, blood pressure issues, arthritis, and a host of other problems. It was hard for me to get a realistic sense of what a normal diet is supposed to be like, so I applaud other moms on here who are trying to get healthy, for three reasons.
1. You're getting healthy.
2. You may think you are blowing off your kids, but I think modeling good health is something kids really pick up on and it stays with them forever. And just because you may not be beating them over the head with all the "lessons" you're learning, doesn't mean they don't see what you're doing.
3. You're going to be around for them a lot longer. I am 34 and I'm still very close with my mom. I have a baby now and she helps me with him twice a week. I want her to have a long and close relationship with my baby boy, but it makes me incredibly sad when I think how much less time she will have with me and with him because of some stupid ice cream. Overeating is a terminal illness. Good news is, its treatable.
This was my experiance growing up also and why my opinions are strong regarding self care.0 -
inconvenience [ˌɪnkənˈviːnjəns -ˈviːnɪəns]
n
1. the state or quality of being inconvenient
2. something inconvenient; a hindrance, trouble, or difficulty
in·con·ven·ient (nkn-vnynt)
adj.
Not convenient, especially:
a. Not accessible; hard to reach.
b. Not suited to one's comfort, purpose, or needs:
...I want you to know that in no way do I mean for anything I am about to say, to hurt your feelings. If you ever need anyone to talk too, you can message me, I would be more then happy to talk too you.
My children are 5&3 also, I am a very young mom. Being a young mom means I had to find myself a lot faster then i thought i would have too. I have too work harder and I have too make sure that they know that I am capable of giving them everything I can.
I have re-read this entire thing probably 6 times. I agree with some but not with all. I want you to know that you are not alone. I do not feel that my children are this way, I am blessed and so thankful for the kids I do have.
I however know that losing weight and learning to quit self-medicating with food can cause many changes in our thinking and in our lives. It is hard to juggle and balance everything. We are learning to become someone else, and as we learn to quit self-medicating at times things from the past can come back and cause quite a stir in our emotions, which in return can lead to some very serious issues.What you are learning, how to eat, what to eat, how exercise is important, how to cut the bad but still have good food is something that you can pass down to them. You are breaking a food addiction which it seems has been going on for years. So to be able to come so far and make progress with that you are teaching your daughters so much in this. How not to give up, how important exercise and food is. How this is not a diet it is a life style change. You are teaching them how to be strong, how to push through, how to break the boundaries. There are so many lessons here, that right now at this young age you should start incorporating into their lives. Breaking a food addiction is not easy, trust me I know. I struggle every day with mine. But every day I get a bit better and even on the days that aren't so good I still know I am doing better, i am teaching my children, I am guiding them.
But being a mom should never feel like it is an inconvenience and if you do feel this way, you need to find someone to talk too. You need to reach out., There is no shame in that. As we break these addictions, we undergo so much that actually having someone too talk too about all this professional, food addiction groups, etc is a great idea. One it will help you not feel so alone or frustrated as you go through all this. 2 you can meet others like you. 3. you can find out why you feel this way, is their an underlining reason for this? Is there a deeper meaning why you feel this way? Does it reflect back towards how your parents felt or how you thought your parents felt about you? I mean there are so many benefits of finding someone to talk too. I know reaching out is hard, trust I have been there. But it could help in the long run.
Also besides getting up to the gym, are you taking time out for you? Even if its just a grocery trip alone, an extra 30minutes at night alone to read a book, watch tv, surf online. Going to get your nails done, working outside. Twice a week after my kids fall asleep I light my candles I run my bath I grab some music and some bubbles and I soak, I sing my songs and I remember what its like to be me. I take a little extra time on the weekends as I can usually grab a bit (My husband works over 80hours so it is hard at times) to sneak out and even if it is just to window shop or try on clothes I do it. I love being a mom, but I need some me time. I need some time for myself. Even my kids as I am leaving they will kiss me good bye and say have some great me time mommy. They understand and they even have me time themselves.
as for the messy, are we discussing how children are messy? Cause if so, girl you need to nip that in the bud. My children get allowance, yes they are only 5&3 but they do get allowance. My kids never leave clothes out, always make their beds and even try to make my bed, every toy is always up before bed, books aren't ever organized but oh well. Shoes go straight in the closet after being worn, dishes in the sink and they even help set the table and put the groceries up. I would really recommend having them help. Find a system that works for you. they are old enough to help. Tell them, mommy would appreciate it if you helped more.
Also try some one on one time, If your youngest naps, try a bit more one on one time with the oldest then switch off. Just having some special one on one time (though I now it is hard to get) can really happy how your feeling. You can connect.
Include them in exercise, have you guys ever heard of Zoobie? Its a kid exercise dvd about 15minutes long, tons of dancing they might love it and you get to dance with them, you get to pass down healthy traits. We dance, we go on nature walks in the backyard, we even do yoga its so funny to watch them do that at times I forget its exercise. Its all about finding a balance that works for you and your family. Finding people you can talk too openly without judgement. Being a mom is hard no one ever said it was easy, every moment we have with them is dedicated to taking care of them and sometimes as moms, we forget that we need to be taken care of too. You said you have a very supportive husband, have you voiced this too him?0 -
inconvenience [ˌɪnkənˈviːnjəns -ˈviːnɪəns]
n
1. the state or quality of being inconvenient
2. something inconvenient; a hindrance, trouble, or difficulty
in·con·ven·ient (nkn-vnynt)
adj.
Not convenient, especially:
a. Not accessible; hard to reach.
b. Not suited to one's comfort, purpose, or needs:
...I want you to know that in no way do I mean for anything I am about to say, to hurt your feelings. If you ever need anyone to talk too, you can message me, I would be more then happy to talk too you.
My children are 5&3 also, I am a very young mom. Being a young mom means I had to find myself a lot faster then i thought i would have too. I have too work harder and I have too make sure that they know that I am capable of giving them everything I can.
I have re-read this entire thing probably 6 times. I agree with some but not with all. I want you to know that you are not alone. I do not feel that my children are this way, I am blessed and so thankful for the kids I do have.
I however know that losing weight and learning to quit self-medicating with food can cause many changes in our thinking and in our lives. It is hard to juggle and balance everything. We are learning to become someone else, and as we learn to quit self-medicating at times things from the past can come back and cause quite a stir in our emotions, which in return can lead to some very serious issues.What you are learning, how to eat, what to eat, how exercise is important, how to cut the bad but still have good food is something that you can pass down to them. You are breaking a food addiction which it seems has been going on for years. So to be able to come so far and make progress with that you are teaching your daughters so much in this. How not to give up, how important exercise and food is. How this is not a diet it is a life style change. You are teaching them how to be strong, how to push through, how to break the boundaries. There are so many lessons here, that right now at this young age you should start incorporating into their lives. Breaking a food addiction is not easy, trust me I know. I struggle every day with mine. But every day I get a bit better and even on the days that aren't so good I still know I am doing better, i am teaching my children, I am guiding them.
But being a mom should never feel like it is an inconvenience and if you do feel this way, you need to find someone to talk too. You need to reach out., There is no shame in that. As we break these addictions, we undergo so much that actually having someone too talk too about all this professional, food addiction groups, etc is a great idea. One it will help you not feel so alone or frustrated as you go through all this. 2 you can meet others like you. 3. you can find out why you feel this way, is their an underlining reason for this? Is there a deeper meaning why you feel this way? Does it reflect back towards how your parents felt or how you thought your parents felt about you? I mean there are so many benefits of finding someone to talk too. I know reaching out is hard, trust I have been there. But it could help in the long run.
Also besides getting up to the gym, are you taking time out for you? Even if its just a grocery trip alone, an extra 30minutes at night alone to read a book, watch tv, surf online. Going to get your nails done, working outside. Twice a week after my kids fall asleep I light my candles I run my bath I grab some music and some bubbles and I soak, I sing my songs and I remember what its like to be me. I take a little extra time on the weekends as I can usually grab a bit (My husband works over 80hours so it is hard at times) to sneak out and even if it is just to window shop or try on clothes I do it. I love being a mom, but I need some me time. I need some time for myself. Even my kids as I am leaving they will kiss me good bye and say have some great me time mommy. They understand and they even have me time themselves.
as for the messy, are we discussing how children are messy? Cause if so, girl you need to nip that in the bud. My children get allowance, yes they are only 5&3 but they do get allowance. My kids never leave clothes out, always make their beds and even try to make my bed, every toy is always up before bed, books aren't ever organized but oh well. Shoes go straight in the closet after being worn, dishes in the sink and they even help set the table and put the groceries up. I would really recommend having them help. Find a system that works for you. they are old enough to help. Tell them, mommy would appreciate it if you helped more.
Also try some one on one time, If your youngest naps, try a bit more one on one time with the oldest then switch off. Just having some special one on one time (though I now it is hard to get) can really happy how your feeling. You can connect.
Include them in exercise, have you guys ever heard of Zoobie? Its a kid exercise dvd about 15minutes long, tons of dancing they might love it and you get to dance with them, you get to pass down healthy traits. We dance, we go on nature walks in the backyard, we even do yoga its so funny to watch them do that at times I forget its exercise. Its all about finding a balance that works for you and your family. Finding people you can talk too openly without judgement. Being a mom is hard no one ever said it was easy, every moment we have with them is dedicated to taking care of them and sometimes as moms, we forget that we need to be taken care of too. You said you have a very supportive husband, have you voiced this too him?
Bella - this was a very respectful ,well thought out post that offered reasonable attainable suggestions and solutions ! It was a pleasure to read ...0 -
I've also struggled with this one. I have six children, aged 9 months through 13 years. I work full-time night shifts, so I do a lot of day time sleeping, and I'm in graduate school. When I'm feeling guilty, I ask myself, "Are my kids happy and healthy?". If the answer is yes, then I give myself a pass. The answer is always yes.
Kids need our love and support, true; but they are also very resilient. You are being a positive role model by taking care of your health, and that is possibly the greatest thing you can do for your children. My 9 year old daughter is training with me to do a 5 K. Maybe you can also find ways to incorporate your kids into your new healthy lifestyle. This will allow you to spend more time together - this will be healthy for everyone's bodies and minds.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 389 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 918 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions