Destined to be Fat Forever? (Ranty)

Note: This is just how I feel. I'm prepared for all the comments so feel free to be honest. This is just what goes through my mind most of the time.

My husband (who is also a compulsive over-eater) and I had a pretty good workweek this past week. We ate very healthy, got in a bit of activity and were feeling pretty good. Then the weekend came. We went for a couple of walks, tried to eat healthy and about 1/2 way through Saturday I noticed that we were both kinda sad and super grumpy.

"What would you like to do tomorrow?" I asked...

"How about we go up to the Italian market and get some breads, meats, cheeses, maybe some olives and wine and head out for a picnic!" He said.

"Um, well we're not going to get anywhere if we eat all of that stuff"

"Well, let's head to Whyte ave and go the the farmer's market! We can get those yummy bagelwichs and then grab some desserts and cured meats!"

"Um..." I said.

"Ok, how about we go to the movies? I've been dying for some theater popcorn!"

To this, I also had to say no, because the willpower of not eating bad things wouldn't have worked.

About half way through Saturday, after we had cleaned the house, gone for our walk and played with the kitty, the mood in the house started to change. Grumpiness turned into full-on *****y. Boredom. The feeling that we were trapped alone in the house with only healthy food!! Oh my god! We actually got in a spat because my cardboardesque toast slices were bigger than his! oh, the humanity!

Finally at about 5pm, we succumbed and ordered pizza. It was delicious, but pretty much immediately afterwards we regretted it and spent the rest of the evening lamenting about our poor choices and wondering if it's all worth it.

Let me make myself clear:

I KNOW eating healthy is good for you. Duh.

I've been bombarded for literally decades with people professing how I will "feel better" and "live longer" and "have more confidence and self-esteem" and "just generally love life" if i lose weight.

I'm aware that there are plenty of non-food related activities my partner and I could do together...I love spending the weekend walking around in circles, playing "bored" games, going to the arts district and looking around at the galleries interspersed between cafe's and bistros filled with things I can't enjoy. Yippee.

So in our conversations, we asked ourselves honestly: Are we destined to be fat forever? We've both been through years of cognitive behavioral therapy in order to get a handle on why we eat and how we can adopt new behaviors and engage in new activities that will help to avoid/prevent us from turning to food for any sort of emotional reasons.

It didn't work for either of us.

Immediately after ANYTHING good, bad, happy, sad, boring or exciting happens to me, I still automatically think about food. I actually DREAM about food. After I finish one meal, I'm already thinking and planning what my next meal will be. I am slowly becoming convinced that this type of behavior never really goes away.

Failure is also a HUGE factor that prohibits my success...I don't want to lose weight, knowing that the likelihood of me REALISTICALLY being able to keep it off for the rest of my life is something like 15-20%. I'm not being defeatist here, but I find it hard to get motivated knowing that the likelihood of me being able to maintain a significant weight-loss is very small. How crappy would i feel if i gained all of that weight back?

Sure, being fat sucks....but doesn't eating healthfully suck too? I've been dieting off and on since I was a porky 5-year-old. would my life thus-far have been more enjoyable if i would have just embraced the way I'm destined to be and live a fat, happy life? Am I prepared to hate life and have little to no way to emotionally cope with situationsother than food? (oh wait, i can go for a walk, meditate or keep a journal!)

I know weight-loss isn't supposed to be easy. I know I have to be "mentally prepared" and "doing it for myself" in order for it to be successful...but what if one never gets to the point of mental preparedness?

I often see people who embrace the "fat is beautiful" stance and "I can be big and healthy" sort of mantra. While i don't by any means buy into the fact that you can be fat and happy...i wonder if you can be fat and generally content? Sure, if i was healthy I would look better, potentially feel better and magically have more friends and be more confident and go on various public speaking engagements to profess how much my life has changed since losing weight...but do I want to live the next several decades worrying if every food decision i make is going to turn me into my old, fat self?

Perhaps the answer is to just enjoy life, eat what you want and release the expectations that society has placed on you to live within the confines of a certain physiological ideal. Maybe there should be a free pass for those who have been fat since a very young age. The expectation that we are all cut from the same cloth and that I can just as happily live a healthy life as someone who has rarely used food as tool to aid in their mental health is such baloney.

Maybe this post is more for those of us who see no hope of success. For those whose attempts at losing weight and keeping it off are like torture, pain, or a constant suffering...Who hear phrases like, "it will get easier, you just have to try harder" or "stop making excuses and just do it" or my personal favorite: "EAT LESS, MOVE MORE!" I just want to just beat that person with a head of celery.

So today, on my 1772th Monday morning, I refuse to make my weekly pledge: you know the one. "I'm never eating again! Today is the first day of my diet. This week, I promise I will eat healthy, exercise every day, write in my food journal, log everything I eat and bounce through the fields with bunnies and unicorns and shed my fat suit little by little with every step i take!"

Nah...