An unmotivated spouse

*hug*

I too would be terrified for my husband. You sound really strong given what you've been through. :-)


I wanted to say that I joined this site a few days ago because I have been motivated by my husband's recent weight loss and improved fitness. A few months ago, his doctor told him he could get off blood pressure meds if he lost weight. I guess that was enough motivation. The two of them put their heads together and decided he would give up sugary drinks and afternoon junk food snacks and walk for 10 minutes after each meal. It's been four months and his waist has dropped from a 40 to a 36. His dr cut his meds in half and thinks he'll be off of them in a couple more months. It has been astounding to watch. I have a hard time imagining my 6'4" husband back to the 32" waist he was in college, but that's apparently their plan.


My husband thinks I'm beautiful if I'm a size 4 or 14. But he told me he'd been reading about PCOS and diabetes and it scares him. His concern was touching. And he's done SO WELL. So, here I am. I'm trying to lose weight because my husband looks and feels fantastic, and I want that for myself too.


You're strong and motivated. If your husband is anything like me, he'll be motivated by your success.

Take a nutrition seminar together through community education from a hospital, parks and rec or local community college. I learned alot that way when my husband was diagnosed with diabetes that helps me with controlling my own diet now that I am getting serious about losing weight--finally. My husband doesn't really follow his diet plan either....nagging has no effect, or a negative one; and no matter how I cook healthy and pre-plate the food in appropriate portions/calorie count and try not to leave too much leftover for grazing, he still makes random snacks for himself --and not healthy ones either. So it almost doesn't matter what I do because he isn't taking responsibility for himself and his health. I can't police him every minute of every day....and some point he has to face up to his responsibility or the consequences WILL catch up with him eventually. He doesn't listen much to the doctor either who tells him if he would lose about 60 lbs., the type 2 would go away but he doesn't really believe him. He just said he's never been that light in his life and I don't think he really believes that it's possible or worth the effort it would take. In any case, he's not really motivated to do anything about it to find out if the doctor is right. He's kind of a "Leave me alone, I'll do it my way. Don't tell me what to do!" kind of person. Nothing I have said, from concern or scientific/medical fact, nor the doctor's continual refrain makes any dent. He did walk for about 30 minutes several days a week earlier this year with the kids but he got a new (temp) job where he gets pretty beat from the heat and heavy labor and has no energy at the end of the day. I guess that counts as exercise of a sort so it's better than nothing. But he doesn't do anything he doesn't absolutely have to and complains loudly (to me) if he has to. His default activity even on a day off is TV/video games/random internet surfing (only a small percentage of the time to any worthy end like finding a real job again.) I've had to come to the point where I know that he knows what he should do but it's not going to happen until he decides to take it on himself. Exterior motivation doesn't work...it has to come from within or it won't stick because you can't keep up any incentives infinitely and when you miss a beat, if he's like my husband anyway, he will immediately jump on it as an excuse why he doesn't have to keep up his end of the bargain. I know that's probably not what you want to hear....but the only thing I can think of is if your husband does NOT make his own snacks, you have more control over what he eats so the pre-plating correct portion sizes and not leaving leftovers for seconds can take care of the overeating. If he sabotages himself behind your back -- well, all I can say is I'm so sorry. I feel your pain.....but unfortunately, once we've done our best to encourage our loved ones to eat healthy, whether they cooperate or not or respond to the concern and compassion positively or negatively is totally on them. Hopefully, your husband would be more cooperative if the doctor told him than mine is so I would definitely recommend and agree with the suggestions that you get him in for a full physical ASAP. It can't hurt and if it helps, you're that much ahead of the game. My prayers are with you and your hubby! )

what a selfish little turnip he is.

This cracked me up. :P

To the OP: I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't think my situation is nearly as bad, but my boyfriend is rather unmotivated. He's only 50 lbs or so overweight, but it's having an effect on his health and it worries me. I decided to just take things into my own hands. Now I cook all his meals and plan all his snacks, drinks, everything - every single thing he eats, I keep track of. He hated it at first, but now I think he enjoys it; it's less work for him, you know? Plus, he's seeing results on the scale without having to stress about the diet since it's on me, which actually motivates him to keep going. I DO nag him to exercise and while he'll complain, whine, get defensive, get offensive, I just let it roll off me b/c I know if I keep nagging he may resent me a little, but in the long run it's worth it. His health is most important. And generally, when he finally gives in and exercises, he thanks me after. I'd say if you can handle the stress that will come with it, keep at it and "nag" if you must. Good luck! =\

edited for typo

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

Doesn't work. Offered my boyfriend a threesome if he lost 30 pounds.

Still fat and lazy.

Rewards don't always mean motivation.

/\ What does it take? LOL!

Get some brochures from funeral directors and next time he sits down to play modern warfare drop them in his lap and ask him to pick the casket ect, he wants, then when he asks what you mean, tell him you don't want the stress of planning his funeral so if he could plan what he wants as soon as possible you would be thankful. He might get the point.

Last night when he asked me why I wouldn't get Texas Toast, I said "because extra large caskets are really expensive" and he said "I'm being cremated". Me, "they'll have to cremate you in sections"
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How is that passive-aggressive sarcasm working for you?
Seems not so well.

You can't nag him into it. These comments only reinforce the barrier.

In a neutral setting, without being in the situation of attack/defense you need to calmly talk about life in general, your love, what your common expectations are for the next years. Ease into what would be the ideal him, how does he want to feel? Does he want to be present if you ever have a baby. Voice your concerns in terms of your love for him. Eventually in this conversation or another - ask him what he wants to do positive about himself? Eventually he is going to need to commit to it. You can't do it for him.

If he cannot listen -- tell him you love him but you are not willing to kill him with food. And get ready to make drastic decisions if that is what you feel is necessary.

My brother is your husband. I love him dearly, but I will not eat with him - I'm not going to participate to suicide by food.

Like and like!! Great idea and I totally agree! )

I think you should put everything you've said in this post into a letter and ask him to read it.

You've laid out your feelings, fears and concerns in a very rational way, but sometimes when we try to express these emotions in a conversation they come out sounding like nagging rather than fear and concern. If he sees it in writing and if that letter is then kept aroud for a while where he can see it, I think it will be a lot harder for him to ignore your feelings.

THIS. I think honesty is going to be your best policy, and reading a letter will allow him to (hopefully) truly reflect on what is written. It sounds like you'd like him to be around for a while, and even start a family with him! A doctor's appt is definitely in the future, for both general health check-up and possible fertility issues. Also, perhaps individual/couples counseling to be able to talk about things in a neutral setting? I know that you can't "make" anyone change, but if he really truly loves you, he'll at least consider it.

Good luck!!
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Just heads up, confiscating his money will not work unless he's on board with it. But packing his lunch would probably be well received!

As a couple, I'm all for having a shared budget (e.g., Dave Ramsey style) and using cash to keep expenses from getting out of hand - but budgeting can't be unilaterally imposed. You can try, but it will blow up eventually.