A guy told me he's in love with me, I don't feel the same.

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Replies

  • Chapter3point6
    Chapter3point6 Posts: 1,233
    Don't settle!!! If he dosen't make your heart race just thinking about him .... your hands shaky when you get to see him and his kiss melt your heart....well I promise you there is someone out there that will have this effect on you.

    Even if he does have that effect on her, it doesn't mean he is the guy for her. Guys that feel that way DON'T wait until the woman is walking away to say so. If anything, he would be annoying the hell out of her telling her how he felt SO OFTEN!
  • tajmel
    tajmel Posts: 401 Member
    Love is an action, not a feeling. Infatuation, lust, obsession, attraction - those are feelings.

    You deserve better! <3
  • TheUglyFriend
    TheUglyFriend Posts: 338
    Probably said it to keep you there.

    "A relationship is a two way street, not a highway and a bike path. If you really want to be with someone you have to be willing to make some sacrifices and work at it a little, otherwise the relationship will never work."
    - Unknown

    By far my favorite relationship quote. Good luck in the future.

    Nice quote.

    And if you are the ugly friend, I want to hang out with you! :drinker:

    LOL :P
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    He might be lying and just trying to keep you as a FWB. Or, it may have taken time and considering losing you, to realize what he had. You can't tell.

    Solution - stop having sex for a few weeks, and see if he sticks around. Act like a boyfriend and girlfriend. Go places in public, meet each other's friends and family, and so on. You'll have your answer.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Tell him. He'll get over it.
  • peachyxoxoxo
    peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
    He might be lying and just trying to keep you as a FWB. Or, it may have taken time and considering losing you, to realize what he had. You can't tell.

    Solution - stop having sex for a few weeks, and see if he sticks around. Act like a boyfriend and girlfriend. Go places in public, meet each other's friends and family, and so on. You'll have your answer.

    I know his friends really well. His family lives several states away, however -- we're in college -- so meeting them is not really an option. My parents live close by and I've suggested he stop by to visit, but he never exactly jumped on that proposition.
  • j_wilson2012
    j_wilson2012 Posts: 293
    haha. Meeting the folks is a death sentence to even a halfway decent guy. Reason being is the guy is now being watched and is held to a higher standard. Not to mention, it concretes the "serious" part of a serious relationship.
  • LovePBandJ
    LovePBandJ Posts: 288 Member
    I'm with everyone else. You were headed in the right direction, don't let some guy pull you backwards. You don't have to love him anymore. That was yesterday.

    You are 21.

    Once you're married, you are married! Don't rush this stuff! Seriously. The person you marry will either be the BEST or the WORST decision of your life. There is no so-so. When it happens, it will be pretty easy and mutual.

    You are 21 (meaning young). You are smart. You are gorgeous. Get out there. Have fun. Enjoy your youth!
  • peachyxoxoxo
    peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
    I'm with everyone else. You were headed in the right direction, don't let some guy pull you backwards. You don't have to love him anymore. That was yesterday.

    You are 21.

    Once you're married, you are married! Don't rush this stuff! Seriously. The person you marry will either be the BEST or the WORST decision of your life. There is no so-so. When it happens, it will be pretty easy and mutual.

    You are 21 (meaning young). You are smart. You are gorgeous. Get out there. Have fun. Enjoy your youth!

    Thanks for reminding me that 21 is still pretty young. It's weird though because lots of people I know (my age) have gotten engaged recently. And then when I see that I start wondering "what's wrong with me that I don't even have a boyfriend??" But then I try to remind myself that honestly I'm way too immature for that... could not even IMAGINE being engaged/married right now lol. I do have a lot of time ahead :)
  • michelejoann
    michelejoann Posts: 295 Member
    From my perspective, he enjoys the convenience of the fwb. Guys like sex. That will never change. Guys will take every opportunity to have sex, dependant on the relationship. If he is with someone, he will seek it from that someone. If he doesn't get it from that someone, he searches for another someone. It also works for females the same way. If more people realized that, the divorce rate would be somewhere around 20%.



    This is very, VERY true. I have (sadly) been the other woman before. The "another someone".

    And yes, it does work for females the same way. Humans are horny *kitten*.

    I think he is afraid of losing his "for sure" sex. If you care for him as a friend, you will be honest with him. If you're meant to be friends, he'll hang around, (hopefully) understanding that sex is not in the equation.

    I have been in the whole FWB thing before and maintained non-sex friendships with males (that I've had sex with before). There of course, is deep feelings on both ends...so it's rough. I had to end one recently because even though we hadn't had sex in over 7-8 years, he was married, had a kid AND lived 300 miles away...he couldn't keep it in his pants and cheated on his wife with a coworker. The wife found out, and because he and I talked and we're friends (and he was being a weirdo and trying to get back into my pants - EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 6 YEARS NOW!) I was immediately a suspect and got phone calls from the wife saying she wasn't angry with me, but wanted to know the truth...when the **** hit the fan, I immediately deleted him from my life and made myself untraceable. It was the hardest thing I've had to do so far, because we'd been friends for 11 years.

    (BTW, I was NOT the "another someone" in this particular scenario! Ha. I'm still friends with that whole hot mess...)
  • michelejoann
    michelejoann Posts: 295 Member
    I'm with everyone else. You were headed in the right direction, don't let some guy pull you backwards. You don't have to love him anymore. That was yesterday.

    You are 21.

    Once you're married, you are married! Don't rush this stuff! Seriously. The person you marry will either be the BEST or the WORST decision of your life. There is no so-so. When it happens, it will be pretty easy and mutual.

    You are 21 (meaning young). You are smart. You are gorgeous. Get out there. Have fun. Enjoy your youth!

    Thanks for reminding me that 21 is still pretty young. It's weird though because lots of people I know (my age) have gotten engaged recently. And then when I see that I start wondering "what's wrong with me that I don't even have a boyfriend??" But then I try to remind myself that honestly I'm way too immature for that... could not even IMAGINE being engaged/married right now lol. I do have a lot of time ahead :)

    I didn't have a "serious" boyfriend until I was 24. At 22, I whined to my friend Dino that no one would ever love me....EVER EVER EVER. He said, "You'll find someone." And I did. You will too. : )
  • helaurin
    helaurin Posts: 157 Member
    I'm not 21 anymore.... that was a long time ago... but I DO remember those feelings well.

    My suggestion is to kick him to the curb gently - let him know you value him as a friend, but romantically, you're not feeling it and no, you don't want to force it.

    If he does really love you, he'll let you go. That doesn't mean you can't keep in touch if you want - but it needs to be with the understanding that there is no romantic nor sexual commitment.

    You're young, you are still in college, you have no idea where your careers will take you when you graduate. Go enjoy life; do things with friends, hang out, see the world a bit before you start thinking you've found someone good enough.

    I've been in enough relationships where, I too, didn't want to seem to be a mean or bad person by hurting the other person by saying it's over. It didn't help that I was raised by parents who believed girls should be subservient. I'm currently in a good relationship now, but my previous one (a marriage) started out good, then slowly went down the toilet. When I wanted to try to save it by seeing a counselor to help address issues, my spouse refused. I woke up one night to him throwing lit matches on the bed while I had been asleep. Got a protection-from-abuse order, and don't you know, THEN he started wailing that he loved me and he'd see a counselor, etc. I might have wavered but I had good friends who gave me emotional support. Some people will say anything they think they need to say if they realize that a relationship is about to end, hoping to manipulate the person doing the breakup into giving it "another chance".

    Think of dating as sort of like test driving a car - you don't just walk into the first dealership, point at a car and say "I'll take that one", do you? No, you go to a few and do a bunch of test drives before picking a car. Finding a long-term partner is sort of the same thing - needs some good test drives.
  • michelejoann
    michelejoann Posts: 295 Member
    I woke up one night to him throwing lit matches on the bed while I had been asleep.

    Wait. What?!?! Who DOES that?! So glad you got out!
  • iWaffle
    iWaffle Posts: 2,208 Member
    I'm only struggling because I care about him a lot and hate to lose him as a friend. There's just not a way to make it work like that though.

    I know the feeling. I used to be that person and still am to some extent. I hate feeling like I'm hurting someone or letting someone down. I often let others have their way and suppress my wants because I just like making people happy. Eventually however as I got older and learned from past mistakes, I found that you can't make everyone happy no matter how hard you try or how bad you want it. How dare you want a healthy relationship right? No, you need to take care of yourself first. If you can't be happy they there's no way you can help someone else with their issues and needs.

    If the relationship is important to him he should be at least going out of his way to hang out with you, meet your friends, and he should be asking about your family and mentioning possibly going to meet them some time in the future regardless of the miles. If someone truly values you, and not just your willingness to have sex, they'll make themselves a part of your life. If he's not doing that he doesn't truly value you and he doesn't want all of you in his life. That's shallow and it won't last.

    I'm not Dr. Phil but I have been married to the same woman almost 20 years. I know a little something about what it takes to make it work. From what I've read, this isn't going to work. He's not committed or you would have already seen it before you mentioned that you were done with the FWB stuff.
  • peachyxoxoxo
    peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
    If the relationship is important to him he should be at least going out of his way to hang out with you, meet your friends, and he should be asking about your family and mentioning possibly going to meet them some time in the future regardless of the miles. If someone truly values you, and not just your willingness to have sex, they'll make themselves a part of your life. If he's not doing that he doesn't truly value you and he doesn't want all of you in his life. That's shallow and it won't last.

    I'm not Dr. Phil but I have been married to the same woman almost 20 years. I know a little something about what it takes to make it work. From what I've read, this isn't going to work. He's not committed or you would have already seen it before you mentioned that you were done with the FWB stuff.

    I like this response... the guy in my situation has never been in a serious relationship before and on several occasions he's said things like "I've never done this before, you need to offer me some guidance" ... like, as an excuse for why he's moving slowly with some things in regards to making more effort to get to know me beyond sex. But I shouldn't have to hold his hand and help him through it just because he's never dated someone before. In a relationship you shouldn't have to be told what to do... you should just want to do certain things because you care about the other person and want to learn more about them.
  • iWaffle
    iWaffle Posts: 2,208 Member
    I like this response... the guy in my situation has never been in a serious relationship before and on several occasions he's said things like "I've never done this before, you need to offer me some guidance" ... like, as an excuse for why he's moving slowly with some things in regards to making more effort to get to know me beyond sex.

    Bah! My daughter's current boyfriend would need encouragement to not do stuff with her. I'll tell my wife "What? He's coming over again to night?" He comes over and hangs out all the time. I don't think he's ever been in any sort of serious relationship before either but that doesn't slow him down at all. It's not like they're even doing anything planned or scheduled. He just comes over and they're like "Okay, what do we want to do?"

    This has been a good read for me. It helps me appreciate that my daughter's boyfriend is a great guy. Hope you find something equally involving. Best of luck.
  • HeavyLiftGirl
    HeavyLiftGirl Posts: 1,267 Member
    He isn't worth it. I agree that he just said it to keep you around. Sad, but it happens all the time.
  • j_wilson2012
    j_wilson2012 Posts: 293
    He isn't worth it. I agree that he just said it to keep you around. Sad, but it happens all the time.

    Guys are pigs. Consider that in all aspects of the relationship. We like boobs. We like sports. We like good food (especially the unhealthy kind, and when you cook it), we like someone to pick up after us. Our egos are humongous. Were hardwired into that. I think as long as you acknowledge that and honor that in any relationship, He will return the favor for the fact that you are NOT a pig. Any longtime married couple will tell you that is the key to a healthy relationship.
  • rybo
    rybo Posts: 5,424 Member
    It is very common for a FWB situation to have one person develope feelings & not the other. Oh well.
  • Tay617
    Tay617 Posts: 70 Member
    If you're not feeling it you're not feeling it, dont try to force an emotion out of it. It seems that you have already answered your own question, but to play devils advocate I personally dont think all guys are sex fiends even though a lot of the guys on here are saying just that lol. I believe women enjoy sex also and at one point you guys both got something out of it. Maybe he is genuine with his feelings and also thought you were ok with just having sex. I have seen men hide emotiong out of fear of getting hurt.
  • unJunk
    unJunk Posts: 29
    We've had a fwb relationship for the last year that has slowly come to involve more emotions. But I always felt like I was the one who was pushing for more of a real relationship, and got the impression that he was still more interested in sex than anything. So I finally forced myself to be real and honest with myself, decided to get over him and move on, and mentally, I'm there. Tonight I told him this and he responded by telling me he's in love with me and finally realized he really wants to be with me. I'm the first girl he's ever felt this way about. I have no doubt he's being sincere, but wow, terrible timing. And I can't help but wonder if he's only using the word "love" in an act of desperation. We've gone on a few dates and such but never actually called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. It was in a weird limbo stage and I knew that couldn't last forever. And thinking about it rationally, I don't see it going anywhere long-term :/

    We are gonna both take some time to think and be sure of our feelings. But what do you guys think? So many times in the last year he's given me reasons why he's not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe now he's realized he DOES want that after all... but for me, it's too late.

    You have already decided. I think if he isn't capable of giving you a valid reason for stringing you along then you have your answer.
  • ehg87
    ehg87 Posts: 430 Member
    FWB story for ya! I had an awesome FWB.....but then I fell for him hard, and he was not ready to settle down...so I sucked up my feelings, and ditched him before he ditched me (cuz I could see that's where it was headed) Fast forward 2 years of no seeing each other, with an occasional email....he grew up, the timing was finally right and we got together as bf/gf. That's been 3 years ago, and we've been married for almost 2 of those :) Nothing better than marrying you're best friend, and as the saying goes....if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours
  • JMJ1983
    JMJ1983 Posts: 170 Member
    It is a hard and difficult situation for sure. Part of you wants to scream at him, why didn't this come out when I was trying my hardest to get over you!!! Like others have said, you have to be honest with yourself and find some solitary time to figure out what it is you truly want or don't want.

    Friends with Benefits is a difficult and slippery slope like others have said where someone either feels like they are being used or someone develops true feelings.

    I will have been married to my friend with benefits for 6 years next month, sometimes things have a way of working themselves out!!!!

    But again, the most important thing is to make sure your both being honest with yourselves and your feelings about eachother.

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