Gym stalker

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

^^This. My husband is a police officer and his department let all the wives take a self defense class earlier this year. That is literally the first thing they tell you.

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

^^This. My husband is a police officer and his department let all the wives take a self defense class earlier this year. That is literally the first thing they tell you.

It's almost like I teach it or something... weird.

Introduce yourself to him. Be courteous and polite. Flattered, but resolute in your intentions. Who knows if he is just a socially-inept Prince Charming? And if you're genuinely not looking, what if he is best friend-material?

I wouldn't write him off, but don't be quick to give him your phone number, schedule, and list of ten biggest fears. Talk to him for a little bit, determine his intentions, and, politely suggest that you are not looking for what he is looking for and sometimes it makes you uncomfortable. If he has any sort of social grace, he'll understand. If not, then talk to the gym management before escalating it to a police level.
-wtk

There is no way i can be polite to him, I wish I could beat the s*** out of his a**

How do you know you can't be polite?
Have you tried?

Well, let me put it this way. I have ZERO desire to be nice. He is making me uncomfortable, why should I be nice to him.

Because he probably doesn't know he's making you uncomfortable. You didn't even notice him until someone pointed it out!


Edited to fix quoting error.

"Telling someone" is fine.

Thank you! Very different than your first statement of:

- Do not go "tattle" to management.

OP, you said your married, and I'm curious as to where your husband is with all of this. Mine would be at the gym with me having a come to Jesus talk with the guy if I felt like I was being "stalked". Personally though, since you haven't actually exchanged even word one with this man, I don't feel like you're really in a position to be accusatory other than to complain that he's invading your bubble.

So he didn't leave the requisite number of machines between you. So what? Where's the law saying that people aren't allowed to work out next to each other? For all you know he's using you as a guide for how (and when) to work out. He might be shy, he might have Asperger's, or maybe he really is a creeper. But until you stand up for yourself and tell him (politely but firmly) to back off, he's not actually doing anything wrong.

Lets be honest here, most guys have a misguided sense of reality when it comes to women, and the vast majority of them can't take a hint if you hit them over the head with it. Be firm, be direct, and if it doesn't do the trick, then you are within your right to get management involved.

Do you really want to be known as the person next to whom noone can work out, because she'll just go running to the front desk about it?

Patti is simply wrong. She is speaking from a lay perspective, with no training, background nor expertise in this matter. And though I respect her right to express her thoughts as she deems appropriate, said right in no way make her correct, credible nor worthy of consideration, especially when personal safety is involved.

How can you claim my opinion is wrong? My opinion is that it is very important to let someone know when you feel stalked, regardless of any other actions you take. "Telling management" in no way caters to a victim mentality. You're trying to make women who report cases to management as being weak, and that is dangerous. It is not the same as a child "tattling" because someone called them a name. We're talking about a woman who feels stalked. In my lay perspective, no training, no expertise opinion, it is very important to let someone know when you feel you're being stalked.

And for the record, I couldn't care less what position it puts the gym in, legally. If a member there is stalking me, I'm going to report it. It's then up to them to decide how they want to handle stalkers in their own gyms. I will also tell the person to back off, but I want it on record with the gym so they are aware of it.

Now in fairness, I also am only expressing my opinion, though I am doing so as an attorney, combatives and self-defense instructor with two decades of experience in this arena.

Self defense is awesome. Being able to scare off a would-be attacker is great. My point of contention is you advising a woman who feels stalked against telling management because it's "tattling like a child" and "caters to victim mentality". Using self-defense tactics as well as reporting the issue is the best approach, in my opinion.

Using self-defense tactics as well as reporting the issue is the best approach, in my opinion.

In my experience, reporting the issue is PART of self-defense tactics. Like everyone else in this thread I too was raised by police officers and what I was taught is that you always leave a paper trail (unless you're planning to do something illegal).

If he is not invading your personal space I really do not see a problem. If you can't handle people using gym equipment next to you that is your issue.

I only read the first and last pages, but if the girl at the desk is aware that he's often following you from area to area and equipment to equipment, it might be a good idea to ask the gym's policy on this type of behaviour... and perhaps on what type of guy he is, in general [I like what someone said about him perhaps having a learning disability, I used to swim in a relatively quiet pool at the same time as a girl with Down's Syndrome, and she loved to interact with me... even in the middle of a lap. This happens, you don't want to seem like an a-hole if this person genuinely has some type of difficulty with social norms.]

If he's just a genuine weirdo, and if their policy is to ban the offender, then you may be asking for more trouble than it's worth, it could make you the 'evil' party in his mind for reporting him, and therefore a target.

Don't involve him in the process until you know where you stand. Once you know what course of action the gym will take, decide how you're going to confront him. In my opinion, it makes sense to just ask him what he wants. If he wants to 'get involved' tell him in no uncertain terms that you aren't seeking that and that you would like him to leave you alone.

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

^^This! You should never have to feel uncomfortable in your gym. EVER. And you Sir, do you have a blog/post about self defense? Very interesting information and would like to learn more about it. Most people need to be more assertive in their lives, me included.

obviously it has already come to the attention of the staff. You need to let them know how uncomfortable it is making you and they take responsibility for handling it.

See- you know he's creeping you out, he may not.

How about just letting him know -

"Dude, I don't know if you mean to but you following me around is really creeping me out."

You can be polite and still tell them to get the **** away.

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

Totally agree with this advice.
Althought it is easier to say than to actually do it for some of us.

Its really not hard for me to do. I am not the nicest person in the world.

I am from Europe, been living in US for 6-7 years. If this happenned in Europe I would have said to him " WTF you looking at, you f**** loser, leave me alone". And I know that would have been it. Im not really sure about here, because you guys have so many laws and rules..oh and crazy people:)

Ok first off you dont have to be a ***** to this guy, for all u know hes trying not to be rude you havent even told him your uncomfortable its not his fault he doesnt know. Second off how hard is it to ask him why he always seems to want to be near u at the gym? Third off why on earth are you acting like this guy is an evil ex who beat the **** outta you i mean really? You wanna know how women get murdered like this by being a ***** to the crazy guy at the gym lol.

Welcome to america ;p jk jk seriously though in order for him to be stalking you, he a has to know he is making you uncomfortable b has to be told to stop and refuse too and c if he continues to disreguard your warnings then youcan "tattle". You gotta put on your big girl panties an handle that **** lil miss badass europeon

I'm assuming you're only reading the last few posts on this string. You might want to read from the beginning before responding further.

In all due respect, for all we know you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE EITHER. This is the internet. You could be exaggerating and/or making up your claim of 'expertise'. For all we know you're a really ****ty defense trainer.

Fair enough. Which is why I said "everyone will need to find their own path on this one."

If you truly believe that your personal safety and well-being are contingent on "informing" an employee of a business, who's only vested interest is protecting that business, I wish you the very best of luck.

Confrontation is not always the best option. In public, with many witnesses, maybe.

Like, for example, a gym?

But if she were on a dark street with no one else around, would you really advise her to go right up to him and ask; WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM BRA???? Really?

Aside from arguing a hypothetical with a hypothetical, the short answer to your question is "no." However, the answer needs further quantification.

If someone is making you feel uncomfortable with an initial act or action, you can establish a legal precedent in your favor by informing them of same. It's clear. It's concise.

As I teach in my classes, DO NOT run around screaming at people and punching them in face, because they make you "sad." That would be a crime. Both here, and in Canada.

With regard to your question, I further discourage anyone from ever approaching anyone shouting, "What's your problem, bra." Ever. For any reason. Mostly, because the sentence itself is asinine.

I agree with perfectingpat in that she should alert those in management. At the very least if a confrontation was to break out, at least management would know why.

Ok. Then what?

To everyone else who's been saying management can't do anything - sucks to be American.

That's the crux of your argument? It sucks to be American?

If a customer harasses another customer in the store I work at, management HAS and WILL throw the harasser out.

That's the crux of your expertise? You work in a store?

Let's take everything you've stated above as an absolute truism for purposes of illustration...

- Management has been informed.
- Management believes your account, finds you credible and for some unknown reason, removes the person in question from the store property.

Now what?

They're not going to accept his coupons any longer?

They'll revoke his Frequent Shopper Card?

They'll take him off the Super Savings Sunday Mailing List?

That'll show 'em.