healthier/sexier than your spouse now?? is this bad??
twonkieone
Posts: 132
so...i've had 5 babies and my fair share of not looking so hot. but, i've always been committed to eating healthy and going to the gym. in the last year i've lost almost 50 pounds and am looking almost better than i did before i ever got pregnant. now my hubs is just the opposite -- no gym/exercise/workout, eats ****, hates the doctor -- and it shows. anyone else out there having an :issue: with getting your sexy back and having a spouse who's going the other way but doesn't really seem to care? we've been together since high school so i'm 100% sure i'm not gonna change him or get him to go with me. the food i eat is in the fridge - he's an adult who chooses to eat otherwise. starting to annoy me that i'm kicking *kitten* and looking hot .... and he's not!!!
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Replies
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does he have the Peter Griffin philosophy that men aren't fat, only fat women are fat?
have you talked to him about how making changes?0 -
hey,he needs to keep up or get left behind! kick his *kitten* into gear and be honest with him!0
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I kind of know how you feel. I do not have any kids, but me and my ex fiance were together about 5 1/2 years. When I started my journey I was about 280 pounds, out of shape and just a hot mess. He on the other hand was slim, and well we were the perfect couple...lol...in a sad way. Anyways when I made the decision to loose the weight, hit the gym and watch what I ate it put a huge toll on our relationship. Here I was trying to be a sexy woman, and well he just let himself go. Sadly after the fighting, and not seeing eye to eye we are no longer together. NOT SAYING YOU TWO WILL NOT WORK OUT, BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT HIM DOWN, AND REALLY TALK ABOUT IT AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU THINK AND FEEL. I know the feelings you are going through right now, and it sucks. I know everything will work out for you too. Just be strong, stay focus and talk till your blue in the face. Congrats on your weightloss,and best of luck to you on your journey:)0
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Just be careful that your not the one getting a big head. Talk to him and ask him to join you, tell him how much you feel better, healthier and so. Who knows, maybe he will join you.0
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I didn't mean that statement to be mean, sorry if it sounds like that. Good luck on your journey, your doing great.0
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How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?0
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Find something he likes to do that doesn't revolve around food and do that. Maybe he just hates workouts but I am sure he probably like other fun things.0
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Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.0
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As the former out of shape husband I understand your frustration. My wife decided years ago to get in shape and I was too busy with work. I am sure it was hard for her doing everything alone but I never noticed because I was too "busy" making a life for the family. Eventually things slowed down and now I drag her to the gym. She really can't keep up with me so it was good she had a head start. The moral of the story is keep on doing what you doing and he will eventually come around. Just be ready when he does.0
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I think the only way to approach this topic is from a health, not a physical appearance direction. Because if his health eventually causes a stroke or heart attack, for example, then it's YOUR problem too! So if it gets bad enough to have a "see the light" talk, make sure to focus on that. This shows how much you love and care for him, rather than seeming superficial.
Otherwise, try to find ways to make his favorite meals healthier if you're doing the cooking. I used to be frustrated that my husband never ate the healthy food I made. I try to plan a few meals ahead of time each week, and now I give him several options rather than choosing on my own. Without a doubt, he eats healthier now as a result.0 -
My. 02:
My bf is rail-thin, doesn't exercise, but he can kick my *kitten* at cardio...he eats at most twice a day, and will inhale a bowl of popcorn for a snack. Meaning he doesn't eat often, but when he does...set the trough out.
Does it annoy me that he wont go to the gym with me? kinda...he wants to bulk up but wont work out. I'd like to see him gain 25lbs, but im more into my own body image, he can do what he wants with his.
If he suddenly gained 50lbs and was getting chunky? im just not into chunky guys. im, in a large part, trying to lose my chunk for him (and he doesn't even call me heavy- I just know he likes thinner women)
physical attraction is a big part of romantic love. and you can't help what you are and aren't attracted to.0 -
Oh man, that's a tough one.
I am a firm believer in not being able to change people -- a few exceptions.
Since he is your partner I would bring it up to him that him being healthy means a lot to you and you want him to be around for a long time, etc. Also, you being fit sets a good example for him to maybe get his butt in gear and join you in some healthier habits. Only he can decide if he wants to change for the better, you can;t force him into anything... sadly if it's even for his own good.
My boyfriend and I have a similar dynamic. I am a self-proclaimed hippie/health nut and he thinks I take it to the extreme sometimes. He has lost weight along with me only because I keep healthier foods around. It has been a slow and frustrating process, but he is slowly following the healthier example I have set. I am proud of him, but if I had attacked him about it straight on things would not have ended well. My moral is, he had to want to change. I can't make anyone do anything they are not ready to do.0 -
Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.
Yes. I was trying to find a way to say this. I've been with my guy for 31 years. We've both gone through our fat and skinny times. In our case, we have motivated each other in the past by finding an activity and doing it together. We took up tennis, golf, biking, lifting, running, even yoga. We did Tae Kwon Do for a few years. Just pick an activity you both find mutually enjoyable, even if it turns out to be bowling. It's a step in the right direction. There's always the activity no guy ever turned down. You can burn calories for days this way! Did he play sports in high school? Is there an adult rec team he could join? Consider the alternative. You could be with a really hot guy, who is a total a@@. Try to encourage him to join you because you want to spend time with him. If he hears your suggestion that he join you as "get your fat butt off the couch" he probably won't respond as well as if he hears "I'm crazy about you and want to enjoy our lives together for many happy, healthy years." Good luck on your own journey. Don't lose an important part of your life because he's packed on a few. Maybe talk to a counselor to see if this is about more for you tha him being a couch potato.0 -
Just pick an activity you both find mutually enjoyable, even if it turns out to be bowling. It's a step in the right direction. There's always the activity no guy ever turned down.
Ummmmm...yeah, right...... obviously not the answer in my situation.... my husband's idea of FUN is smoking, drinking and sitting in front of the TV watching reality shows until he falls asleep every night. He has no interest in ANY kind of exercise, eating right or even going out. I never was a drinker but since I quit smoking our relationship has actually gotten worse. It doesn't matter that I am trying to make a positive change, but he sure as heck is upset that I don't share in his desire to live a destructive lifestyle.0 -
hey,he needs to keep up or get left behind! kick his *kitten* into gear and be honest with him!
At the risk of sounding like a creep, DAMN you have a nice butt!!!0 -
My husband can be like that but sometimes its best to just fix healthy food and look at the health side of things. Don't "nag" or push him to eat better and workout because guys can react badly to that. I found the most rewarding thing was finding something he could do. My husband got MFP after I asked him to join with me so that I had a friend. He started to fill out his food intake and was surprised by how many calories he was eating. About a week later he was down 5 pounds (Which I envy him for). That has motivated him to keep it up. I think guys can find it just as discouraging as us women that they do something to lose weight and nothing happens. Sometimes I think its just about finding the right motivator. Plus, he's not going to change unless he wants to. I know that's hard, especially when you are doing so well and want him to share your joy and passions. Just remember to try and keep communication lines open and that you have other things in common. You didn't marry him for his body.0
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Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.
oh i'm not saying i don't love him... it's just frustrated that i'm doing everything i can to be healthy, be around for a long time, play with the kids .... and he's literally the total opposite. i guess i take it like he doesn't care - his dad, aunt and uncle all died in their mid 50's so health should be a concern for him. his mom also had breast cancer. we've had the talks - i buy all kinds of good food but we're normal so i also sometimes buy junk food. he'd prefer to sit inside, eat nachos and watch a football game while i'm outside running around with all the kids. maybe sexier wasn't a good choice of words since some think i'm slamming him ... i'm not ... but we're def going in 2 different directions right now ...0 -
Chipmunk: we're kinda in the same boat. but he quit smoking and starting chewing. and he watches :man shows: and i rarely watch tv. soooo...... are you also annoyed by it? some people on here made me feel shallow but i'm not ---- i know i didn't marry him for his body but i do look at it every day ..... and it bothers me that he doesn't even try. i don't expect him to love exercise like i do but he literally sits/drives 60 hours a week for work then sits pretty much all night.0
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after 16 years i'm pretty sure he's not gonna join me ..... and that's part of why i'm frustrated .... i do love him and want him to be around but that's not gonna make him change if it hasn't already .... trying to see what others who have gotten in shape do when the spouse has no interest and you're going 2 different directions....0
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does he have the Peter Griffin philosophy that men aren't fat, only fat women are fat?
have you talked to him about how making changes?
haha! no .... he just grew up meat/potato and no exercise .... i grew up the opposite. both of our backgrounds are catching up with us i guess ....0 -
after 16 years i'm pretty sure he's not gonna join me ..... and that's part of why i'm frustrated .... i do love him and want him to be around but that's not gonna make him change if it hasn't already .... trying to see what others who have gotten in shape do when the spouse has no interest and you're going 2 different directions....
My fiance is very similar, but we have only been dating 6 years now.
He is tall and has a hard time keeping weight on (6'2" 140lbs). We're talking the kind of man that chugs whole chocolate milk while eating pizza and has chocolate cake for desert. Other days he simply forgets to eat because he gets too excited about something. He is on his feet all day at work which means he's tried when he comes home. Aside from one marathon runner in his family, they all have a sedentary lifestyle. Luckily, both our father's are alcoholics and my hubby is hesitant to even use wine in cooking let alone drink. Those does protect him from the beer gut. What I elected to do was to leave the eating habits go for now, but to try to encourage more activity. However, this is the conversation we have had.
"Honey, I am concerned because you have very irregular eating habits. I know you aren't having any trouble now, but I want to be sure that I get to keep you for a long time. I think I noticed this recently because I'm been closely watching my health. In case something happens, what kind of activities do you like that will get you up off the couch. I want to be prepared with lots of options for the future. Plus, I want to find stuff we have in common so that if we get bored of the usual, we have new things to try."
Turns out my hubby loves hiking and used to love biking, but he never does it because he doesn't is tired or the weather is bad.
So now on nice days this is what I say: "Hey! I'm totally bored with my exercises and I really need a motivator. Would you go on a walk with me this evening? I know I walk for miles, but how far would you be comfortable walking?"
I also have had this conversation with him: "If you notice that I've gotten depressed or started to slip back into old habits, I really need you help! Would you please con me into exercise by asking me to go on walks with you?"0 -
Some people on here made me feel shallow but i'm not ----
Does it matter if we're shallow? Romantic love does need a degree of atrraction. I'm not saying we always look attractive for our OH's or that our bodies won't change yada yada, but don't feel bad for wanting your hubby to look nice for you. Most men will openly admit they like their women to look good for them, even if they love them as they are when they're not looking so hot.
Your self confidence will be going up and if the situation changes it could well end up making problems, so personally I think you're right to be addressing this now! Not only that but you're looking at the health problems he could be having, certainly not shallow imo.
My hubby is stick thin and drives me nuts - but he is slowly coming round to the thought of exercise after we had several talks about living a healthy life etc. You just need to sow the seed and let the plant grow in his mind. Good luck!! :flowerforyou:0 -
"Honey, I am concerned because you have very irregular eating habits. I know you aren't having any trouble now, but I want to be sure that I get to keep you for a long time. I think I noticed this recently because I'm been closely watching my health. In case something happens, what kind of activities do you like that will get you up off the couch. I want to be prepared with lots of options for the future. Plus, I want to find stuff we have in common so that if we get bored of the usual, we have new things to try."
Turns out my hubby loves hiking and used to love biking, but he never does it because he doesn't is tired or the weather is bad.
So now on nice days this is what I say: "Hey! I'm totally bored with my exercises and I really need a motivator. Would you go on a walk with me this evening? I know I walk for miles, but how far would you be comfortable walking?"
I also have had this conversation with him: "If you notice that I've gotten depressed or started to slip back into old habits, I really need you help! Would you please con me into exercise by asking me to go on walks with you?"
This. Totally this!!0 -
How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?
THIS!0 -
How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?
THIS!
pretty sure he did and i won't elaborate other than to say life was pretty hard for 2 1/2 years but we (and by that i mean me) stuck to it .....0 -
Well if this is truly how you feel, that your hotter than him and he hasn't been pulling his weight, then just pack yo S**T0
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On a serious note, i think that just cooking healthy meals for the whole family, you doing the shopping (keeping junk out of the house) and encourage him to join you on walks as a family or workouts at the gym, is the best way to do it0
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i've never said i'm better than him -- but am healthier and yes, sexier, unless you consider middle aged overweight men who chew tobacco to be sexy .... i'm not packing my **** (would have done that w/ above referenced tough time) but am frustrated that i'm getting "better" for myself and for him/kids and he is not (and is getting "worse"). i do make healthy meals but he eats breakfast/lunch and many dinners on the road and eats snacks all night. looking for how to deal w/ my frustration because i know i cannot change his unhealthy ways ....0
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I understand your frustration. I really do. Up till recently my husband was not on board with staying healthy and it was hard to get him to eat better because no matter what i cooked at home or didnt bring into the house, he would eat the way he wanted or buy the things he wanted anyways. I think finally after me setting an example and telling him things like "im doing this not just for myself, but to be around longer for you and our daughter" that he really got that this was a life style change that i really wanted him to join me on. He has since dropped 10lbs and gained muscle as well, eating right (or so he tells me, hes on deployment) and im very proud of him. Also when we were done with dinner i would go for evening walks with our daughter and invite him everytime i went. Soon he joined us. he didnt always go, but it was baby steps.0
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I can understand how you feel. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and have been going in opposite directions since we met! For him it's being happy and content for the first time in a while that has prompted his weight gain, while for me it was unhappiness at being above-average in size for my entire young life that motivated me to start eating better and become more active. Over the course of the past 3 years I've lost 30lbs while he's put on about the same amount. I struggle with maintenance/losing the last bit of fat while he struggles to get back on track and look the way he did when we first met. Unlike you we deal with these differences in a healthy way: having open conversations about our goals, struggles, etc. Perhaps if you two can begin having more frequent open conversations about the issue it will pave the way for some positive changes? Sort of like therapy for each of you, plus the bonus of spending time together being open about your feelings
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