Not the place for relationship advice but much needed.
rozsbluejay
Posts: 303 Member
in Chit-Chat
We'll I've been dating this guy for a while now. Enough to get to know each other and well it's been going well except the last few hang outs. Now some people have relationship deal-breakers and well lets just say he did one of them and I don't know if I should just end it based on that. First of all he says that he's afraid to cheat on me based on the fact that he think he doesn't deserve me. He's insecure because he says he has nothing to offer me and he doesn't know what he wants or where we're going. I was just like WTF and he asked me what I wanted but what I want is some direction and I don't think that he'll give it to me. I just said nothing. But this is where it gets to the deal-breaker once he spanked my butt and I punched him and he said never to punch him again and I told him fine if he never touched my butt again. To that he said that if I ever punch him or slap him in his face again its going to be over. I said fine as long as he didn't associate with my butt. He ended up doing it again and I brought it to his attention and I had to explain to him how I don't like it and where my parents are from its truly a disrespect to women and it claims them to be property. He said ok. Next hang out it happens again in public and we were with his roommate (girl) and I was pissed and he was asking me what was up and I told him that I wasn't going to talk about it in front of his roommate and he insisted so I told him off. To me that pissed me off so much. I get really f'ing mad if someone grabs, spanks, touches, my butt. He ended up doing it again and this time he crossed the line....he was just grabbing it. I felt really uncomfortable. I was trying to take it off and he kept putting it back and to the point that I was firing mad! He was like five more seconds. I was mad. I'm thinking of ending it based on that. Some people are telling me not to give up on him to talk to him, but for me that was a deal breaker. So I ended up going to his house out of no where and re-explaining why I don't like it and gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I want to be someone's friend, date, girlfriend- not their property; I don't like being disrespected. Plain out and simple, "I know you're a dude, but you control yourself and next time it happens again- its over.....or we can end it now." He ended up being super upset that he said he needed some time to think. I gave him his time to think. I didn't call, I didn't text, and I didn't look for him. He calls me today that he's been looking for be and I don't have anything on my phone. I don't know what he wants....and I'm not sure if I want to bring it up. I don't know if I ever want to see him again. I don't k now if I want to continue to try. I really upset him because I sounded like a B-I-T-C-H.
I told him once and to me once is enough for someone to get the point. Now thanks to all my buddies I'm confused and decided to come here. Should I just end it?
I told him once and to me once is enough for someone to get the point. Now thanks to all my buddies I'm confused and decided to come here. Should I just end it?
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Replies
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It's up to you, but it sounds like he has a little growing up to do. Expecting the guy you date to respect your physical boundaries is not asking too much. Don't bend on things that are important to you because some guy is trying to get in your pants. He isn't worth it. I'd recommend finding someone who does not make you physically or emotionally uncomfortable and who can discuss issues without making you feel like you did something wrong by standing up for yourself. Think about what you can handle dealing with and also think about how you know you deserve to be treated.0
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Horrible place for relationship advice.. But I'll give it a go anyway.
Kick him to the curb.
He's obviously disrespectful. Now, I like a nice slap now and then. But that's a personal thing (and I've been with my fiance for 4 years). You've already said MANY times that you DO NOT like it. And explained why. Yet he still did it again.
Also, if HE thinks he's a loser (has nothing to offer you, doesn't think he deserves you, etc) then he's probably a loser. If he is in the mindset of being inferior, and hasn't changed anything yet, then he probably won't.
That's all I've got to say about that. </gump>0 -
You make your choices in life either accept that hes going to continue to disrespect you (he continued to hit you after you said you didnt like it) or you can move one.
People don't change you can't expect them to do you think he'll step over other boundaries. He already said he would cheat on you? I hate to see you hurt my friend. Listen to you heart.0 -
If he can't respect a simple request like 'don't touch', what else won't he respect?0
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That's all I've got to say about that. </gump>
Hahahhahahahahha :laugh: :laugh:
Probably the best ending to a comment I've seen on here.0 -
I personally have a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Something doesn't sound right (not you - something doesn't sound right with him).
The whole 'He has to think about it thing" ... Think about what? There isn't anything to think about.
He either respects your personal boundaries or he walks... So that sounds really odd.
I'm wondering if he's only in this relationship for the sexual aspect.0 -
You make your choices in life either accept that hes going to continue to disrespect you (he continued to hit you after you said you didnt like it) or you can move one.
People don't change you can't expect them to do you think he'll step over other boundaries. He already said he would cheat on you? I hate to see you hurt my friend. Listen to you heart.
I agree. Get out while you can!0 -
You think you'll be in a relationship with a man and never think he's going to touch your butt? Really? I get the part of not wanting him to do it in public but that hardly justifies you punching him. Both of you seem to have issues.0
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You've told him several times to not touch you like that and given him a personal reason why, and he's still completely disrespecting that and doing it on purpose, in front of people as well. He's not respecting you and is being an immature idiot who isn't ready for a relationship. I would break up with him and find someone who can respect you and your boundries, plain and simple.0
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you've told him in words that what you dont find acceptable yet you're contradicting yourself with your actions by putting up with it. of course he's going to touch your butt when he wants because you've made it clear by your actions that there are no consequences to his doing so.
i dont mean making it clear by hitting him either. when someone disrespects me i remove myself from the environment. i dont negotiate with them on how to respect me. there's no negotiation. rude is rude is rude. they either get it or they don't. if they get it they learn and we're cool if they dont then they dont learn and i've moved on. life is too short and there are too many other guys out there to get hung up on some dude who willfully disrespects you. my advice would be to be clear on what YOU find disrespectful and dont have your actions and words be so disconnected.
but in general i'd dump the guy anyway. what exactly is a man who thinks he;s a loser and not worth being with you going to offer you? plus if he really thinks so lowly of himself he;s eventually going to think that way of you. low self esteem dudes are bad news.
i've gone through similar with guys. for instance one guy was really tall and thought it was funny to put his elbow on my head like he was leaning on me. another had a thing with picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder, and another would make jokes about my breast size. i gave each of these guys a warning about doing that stuff in public since it made me feel belittled. if it happened again then that was my cue to go o b*tchmode and depending on what side of the b*tch bed i woke up on i may or may not have agreed to go out with him again.
sometimes guys take their teasing too far like they do with their guy friends so i think it's important to just leave the situation and not put up with that crap to remind them that hello they arent out with a guy friend they are dealing with a LADY.0 -
That is unwanted touching. If he would not rape you, he should not touch you in any other way you deem unacceptable. After the second time you should have dumped him. If you're the type of person who hits when something like that happens, then you need a different guy anyways. I myself know that there is a difference between abuse and punching hard as a joke or even for something like that. If he's too much of a wuss to handle that then you should find someone else.
Seriously, though. He's a horrible guy. Please, please, PLEASE find a new guy! );0 -
You are at an age where personal growth and achievement should take precedence over any relationship. Isn't that one reason you signed up here? You need to forge your own path and when you are through he really won't deserve you. Don't ever settle. Wait until you are bringing your best self to a guy who treats you right.0
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Wish him well and say goodbye. He sounds like he is going to end up super needy (I dont deserve you etc is an excuse for I will forever make excuses for my behaviour, be jealous etc etc) and clearly you are already confused. Despite being together a while, this should be an exciting time. You said no, he didnt respect it, you said no again and he still doesnt get it. You have resulted in violence, although potentially as a joke....wrong wrong wrong.
If you are on fitness pal then presumably you have your own aims and goals. Stick to them, say cheerio!0 -
This thread shows that women give the worst relationship.advice.And some of you wonder why you are single and can't seem to find the right guy.....0
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He's probably not used to such a strange "no touching" policy with someone who's supposed to be his girlfriend. I quite enjoy a little game of grab-*kitten* when I'm with someone. My last girlfriend was smacking MY *kitten* more than I ever did to her. I found it flattering <_<0
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Dump him. You've told him multiple times not to do something, and he continues doing it? He's not treating you like a human being. And you deserve someone who will respect you. Get out while you still can.0
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You think you'll be in a relationship with a man and never think he's going to touch your butt? Really? I get the part of not wanting him to do it in public but that hardly justifies you punching him. Both of you seem to have issues.
This! I have to agree with him. Now as a woman I totally understand setting boundaries and rightfully so if that boundary is crossed in public but come on, let's be real. How can you expext anything long term with someone and NEVER expect him to touch your butt?? Some men love touching, grabbing, holding, etc and yes, there is a time and place for it but it seems awefully petty to me.
But my advice and I am going to be brutally honest with you. If you have issues with a man touching your butt, I am thinking there are way more issues under the surface than you are explaining here. If something that simple put you THAT over the edge, there is more to the story and while that is YOUR privacy and there is no need to explain anything, I am willing to bet something more is going on. Punching him was my first red flag...... sorry!0 -
You think you'll be in a relationship with a man and never think he's going to touch your butt? Really? I get the part of not wanting him to do it in public but that hardly justifies you punching him. Both of you seem to have issues.
I agree with this man!0 -
Relationships are about connecting with someone who understands your limitations and boundaries. I have issues from past boyfriends and I couldn't ask for a better partner now. He's my best friend and my greatest supporter of everything I do. When we first started dating he was respectful of my boundaries and limitations due to my past relationships.
If he thinks you deserve better then you probably do. His negativity towards the relationship is only going to drag you down. I don't mind the playful slap on the butt in the private of my own home but groping and in front of others just takes things a little too far in my books especially if you have already discussed your dislike of it.
To be honest, I think your mind is already made up. Re-read your original post... To me it sounds like you want someone to talk you into staying with him, but already you've left. Strong, beautiful women don't need weak, feeble men to drag them down.0 -
there are always more fishies in the sea! if it is bothering you that much dont stay with him trust me! it will only get worse i usually tell people to work it out but once there is slapping and personal space issues! ... its a new game!0
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You punched your bf that's shocking!! If he punched you he would be subject to a lot of abuse and would most likely get dumped. What makes it okay for you to hit him?? If he didn't lack so much confidence he should dump your *kitten*!!!0
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While punching him was probably an overreaction the first time (especially if at that point you hadn't told him not to touch you there) I think at this point you should just dump him. If you've told him not to do something so many times and he still does it then he's obviously just not listening to you. And that's a bad habit if you're looking for something long term--what is he going to ignore you about down the road? Also, the whole I'm afraid to cheat on you because I'm insecure sounds like a total BS line in my opinion.0
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Sounds like a bitter man.... and porn pics and wet t-shirt contests must be the way to go right? SMH...This thread shows that women give the worst relationship.advice.And some of you wonder why you are single and can't seem to find the right guy.....0 -
I am the worst person to be telling you what to do based on the fact that I enjoy a good spanking :devil: :laugh:
BUT someone that continually goes against my wishes and does not RESPECT them (because that is what it all boiils down to) is someone I won't date for very long.
My SO learned this the hard way.0 -
Oh dear, where do I go with this one? I'm going to keep my points short.
1) Butt-touching, slapping, grabbing, etc. is not disrespectful in general. It does not make you a "possession", that is just what people do when they are attracted to each other. Pretty run-of-the-mill, as most of the men have pointed out.
2) However, this guy should respect your boundaries. And I don't like grab-assing in public either-- it's just not classy. If he knows you're uncomfortable with it in general but just can't "help himself", he could at least show you the respect of refraining from doing so in public. No argument there.
3) Don't punch men unless you think it'd be okay for them to punch you back. Come on. Unless it was playful and light... but the way you describe it makes me think otherwise.
4) Forget the whole butt touching thing. He thinks he's a loser? He's already questioning if he's going to cheat on you? He needs time to think? About what? End it now! You don't want to get caught up in that nonsense. Bad news.0 -
sounds like its doomed to fail.
better move on now so you can find someone better.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
Regardless of what I think (or anyone else for that matter) is the appropriate behaviour regarding touching/slapping/grabbing, it is apparent that you don't have the same opinion as your gentleman friend.
My suggestion iis that you don't discuss the matter with him any further, don't argue as to who is right or wrong, just say that you wish to end the relationship and walk away. Change the locks on your door if you feel more comfortable.
If you feel that you need to give a reason for ending the relationship, you could say that you don't feel you can give it your full attention at the moment due to other priorities (such as improving your health/fitness) ...
All the best0 -
You think you'll be in a relationship with a man and never think he's going to touch your butt? Really? I get the part of not wanting him to do it in public but that hardly justifies you punching him. Both of you seem to have issues.0
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Depending on how hard you punched him, that may not have been the best initial way to handle it. Still, the fact that he freaked out on you and told you to stop, and then continued the undesired behavior anyway is really hypocritical.
Overall, he sounds pretty immature
You could wait for him to man-up (no guarantees), but then you might miss an even better opportunity. It's up to you.
EDIT: Also, he's afraid to cheat on you? The fact that he's already considering it in the first place is a huuuge red flag.0 -
This thread shows that women give the worst relationship.advice.And some of you wonder why you are single and can't seem to find the right guy.....
It is illegal to touch someone in that manner without their consent where I'm from... You might want to look into that (and I'm assuming your own actions since you are so nonchalant about it) if you think all of the women are giving bad advice for telling her not to deal with it.0
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