What is considered 'cheating' (mature relationships)

jg627
jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
in Chit-Chat
What do you consider cheating? For me, I have what I call 'the golden rule'. That is, I go where she goes, period. That pretty much rules out swapping / borrowing / lending and includes any expression of sexuality/emotional attachment between people regardless of gender. Maybe that sounds restrictive to some, but not necessarily, if you're creative about avoiding golden rule violations. What do you guys think?

For clarification: the golden rule refers to sexy time practices, not like going to the mall or hanging with friends and whatnot.
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Replies

  • jesekelynne
    jesekelynne Posts: 42
    How does that work for a job? Also, what if you just want space for a little bit? I love my hubby, but I also enjoy my girl's nights out with my friends, as he does his boy's nights out. You have to trust that the person you are with is going to make good decisions, if not should you really be together?

    Just read you clarification...sounds better!
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    How does that work for a job? Also, what if you just want space for a little bit? I love my hubby, but I also enjoy my girl's nights out with my friends, as he does his boy's nights out. You have to trust that the person you are with is going to make good decisions, if not should you really be together?
    check the edit
  • proudarmywife06
    proudarmywife06 Posts: 213 Member
    I think cheating is physical contact period even if your having a threesome..its still cheating b/c you are only in the relationship with the one person, not both.
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    What I meant was, let's say you have an 'open relationship' and one of you brings home a playmate, while the other sleeps on the couch in the living room. I am not a fan of that plan. I go where she goes.
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    I think cheating is physical contact period even if your having a threesome..its still cheating b/c you are only in the relationship with the one person, not both.
    Threesomes are a potential golden rule violation, easily, and it's playing with fire.
  • geogie54
    geogie54 Posts: 23
    I would go where she goes. This doesn't work for everyone , how does she feel about this?
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    I would go where she goes. This doesn't work for everyone , how does she feel about this?
    she agrees. If a friend of hers, who was married, invited her to a threesome with her husband, I would be pissed. I think she would feel the same way if the tables were turned.
  • linz1125
    linz1125 Posts: 441 Member
    In my eyes cheating is anytime you turn to someone other than your spouse/SO for something you would normally get from them. Theres both physical and emotional cheating...both are hard to recover from.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    Some people are secure in their relationship and others aren't. It varies depending on the couple and the level of trust they have with each other.

    Each couple makes their own rules, there isn't one set that everyone lives by.
  • Bahet
    Bahet Posts: 1,254 Member
    Cheating is doing something sexual or intimate with someone else that you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
    Simple stuff, really, they should teach this in school. I've been considering taking up teaching - people tell me I'm an excellent influence on children.

    Anyway, here's the list:

    - If she did it, it's cheating.
    - If I did it, it's cool.

    That wasn't that hard, now, was it?
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    Cheating is doing something sexual or intimate with someone else that you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about.
    That's a good way of putting it, I think. Simple and covers all the bases.
  • spongekitty
    spongekitty Posts: 24 Member
    Cheating is when you do something sexual with someone outside of your relationship that your partner has not previously agreed to in some manner (ie you may not need explicit permission to blow a specific rando, if your boyfriend has previously stated that he is fine with you blowing any rando if he finds out after/if he never finds out)

    I like to follow Dan Savage's take on monogamishness, too. That is if you are doing your best to be GGG (good [in bed], giving, and game [for anything]) and your partner absolutely refuses to meet your needs (within reason-- no one's asking you to accommodate a scat fetish, but, for example, if you can't get off without a vibe and they won't give you orgasms), you can either seek permission to meet them elsewhere or meet them behind their back with no remorse. That sort of thing (going behind their back) should only really be used when basically everything else makes the relationship worth keeping (children, great chemistry, shared property, whatever) otherwise you're better off dumping and playing the field for a new partner who can meet those needs.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
    I consider "Cheating" anyone or anything that does or potentially will cause Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Mental and/or Psychological Detachment between EXPRESSED Partners/Spouses/SO, and the Partner/Spouse/SO does not inform the other Partner/Spouse/SO of this person or thing and the details of the relationship. Basically, the 3rd Party Relationship IF FULLY Known and details expressed to the non-participating party would HARM the Established Relationship and/or Non-Participating Partner/Spouse/SO.


    ETA: This pretty much covers all types of relationships: Monogamous, Open, Straight, LGBT, EVEN Friendships...
  • pooleekylie
    pooleekylie Posts: 103

    I like to follow Dan Savage's take on monogamishness, too. That is if you are doing your best to be GGG (good [in bed], giving, and game [for anything]) and your partner absolutely refuses to meet your needs (within reason-- no one's asking you to accommodate a scat fetish, but, for example, if you can't get off without a vibe and they won't give you orgasms), you can either seek permission to meet them elsewhere or meet them behind their back with no remorse. That sort of thing (going behind their back) should only really be used when basically everything else makes the relationship worth keeping (children, great chemistry, shared property, whatever) otherwise you're better off dumping and playing the field for a new partner who can meet those needs.

    This makes me sad. So what about the people in relationships who don't get anything out of sex? If they can't be GGG no matter how hard they try? Their partner should just dump them for someone who will fulfill their needs in bed?

    There's so much more to relationships than just sex, but so many people think that sexual compatibility is the defining factor.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    If you look at anyone and think they are attractive you are cheating. If I ever catch my wife looking in a calvin klein catalog, its divorce time.
  • nadsazombie
    nadsazombie Posts: 61
    I consider cheating to be anything you wouldn’t want your partner to do to you…
    JMO
  • SPNLuver83
    SPNLuver83 Posts: 2,050 Member
    I agree with you OP. To be faithful not only includes physical actions, but emotional as well. The one you promise yourself to should not only be the only one getting your body, but your heart and soul as well.
  • brevislux
    brevislux Posts: 1,093 Member
    In general, I think that would be any physical or deep emotional relationship of which your significant other has no knowledge and for which they've not expressed their agreement.
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    Cheating is when you do something sexual with someone outside of your relationship that your partner has not previously agreed to in some manner (ie you may not need explicit permission to blow a specific rando, if your boyfriend has previously stated that he is fine with you blowing any rando if he finds out after/if he never finds out)

    I like to follow Dan Savage's take on monogamishness, too. That is if you are doing your best to be GGG (good [in bed], giving, and game [for anything]) and your partner absolutely refuses to meet your needs (within reason-- no one's asking you to accommodate a scat fetish, but, for example, if you can't get off without a vibe and they won't give you orgasms), you can either seek permission to meet them elsewhere or meet them behind their back with no remorse. That sort of thing (going behind their back) should only really be used when basically everything else makes the relationship worth keeping (children, great chemistry, shared property, whatever) otherwise you're better off dumping and playing the field for a new partner who can meet those needs.
    So if your partner stopped doing something they used to do or simply wouldn't do something, you'd get it from someone else?
  • Silverkittycat
    Silverkittycat Posts: 1,997 Member
    I agree with you OP. To be faithful not only includes physical actions, but emotional as well. The one you promise yourself to should not only be the only one getting your body, but your heart and soul as well.

    I agree. :)
  • phynyxfyre
    phynyxfyre Posts: 145 Member
    Cheating, in my book, is when you are doing anything you wouldn't want your partner to catch you doing. IE: emailing an old flame IF you wouldn't feel comfortable with them sitting right beside you. I also had an ex who stared at another gal's behind and almost drove into a pole with me in the car! NOT cool. (Partially because my behind is very nearly perfect!)

    I am bad in that I also generally assume that if your SO is not getting it from you, they must be getting it somewhere. Therefore long withholding stints DO NOT occur in my relationship. ;)
  • hayjazz18
    hayjazz18 Posts: 6
    In an open relationship ( I have experience in this) cheating can be defined as anything that goes against you and your partner's pre established rules ( if you don't have any rules, you SHOULD NOT be in an open relationship).


    And lying=cheating. If you can't be honest and communicate with your partner, it is a betrayal of loyalty. Really, if you know it will hurt your partner, then it can't be good...
  • EnchantedEvening
    EnchantedEvening Posts: 671 Member
    I don't mind if he has a close female friend, since she was around long before me, and I would expect the same consideration since some of my best friends are male.

    That said, I'd be upset if he went to her first for advice or celebrations about something instead of me, and I'd feel wrong sharing happy news with a male friend first or going to that friend for advice.

    The physical stuff is right out. I don't mind hugs and a peck on the cheek, or even some cuddling, but making out, sexting, and actually having sex are not approved.

    That's our relationship, though. Everyone decides the rules for their own particular relationship, and I don't judge them. Some people have a problem with their SO hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex, and if that works for them and their SO, then whatever. Some people have open relationships, and it works fine for them. Again, more power to them. I make the rules for my life, and they make the rules for their own lives.
  • RainHoward
    RainHoward Posts: 1,599 Member
    it's cheating when you get caught.
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    Cheating, in my book, is when you are doing anything you wouldn't want your partner to catch you doing. IE: emailing an old flame IF you wouldn't feel comfortable with them sitting right beside you. I also had an ex who stared at another gal's behind and almost drove into a pole with me in the car! NOT cool. (Partially because my behind is very nearly perfect!)

    I am bad in that I also generally assume that if your SO is not getting it from you, they must be getting it somewhere. Therefore long withholding stints DO NOT occur in my relationship. ;)
    LOL I hope you don't find his pr0n collection.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    I think cheating is emotional, mental, and physical. If you're doing something that you don't want your SO to know about you're cheating.
  • jg627
    jg627 Posts: 1,221 Member
    it's cheating when you get caught.
    That's probably more true than most people realize.

    Or at least closer to reality anyway.
  • phynyxfyre
    phynyxfyre Posts: 145 Member
    Cheating, in my book, is when you are doing anything you wouldn't want your partner to catch you doing. IE: emailing an old flame IF you wouldn't feel comfortable with them sitting right beside you. I also had an ex who stared at another gal's behind and almost drove into a pole with me in the car! NOT cool. (Partially because my behind is very nearly perfect!)

    I am bad in that I also generally assume that if your SO is not getting it from you, they must be getting it somewhere. Therefore long withholding stints DO NOT occur in my relationship. ;)
    LOL I hope you don't find his pr0n collection.

    LOL. Actually, he is one of the rare ones that doesn't have one. Well, he has pictures, but not any published ones....and he is NOT allowed to share them. He does other natural things occasionally, but usually I am the one pestering and he is the one with the "headache". Guess I am just too... demanding..:blushing:
  • DaisyHamilton
    DaisyHamilton Posts: 575 Member
    "If you don't want him/her to do it, don't do it."
    That's my rule.

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