Where does looking after yourself become selfish?

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  • Lone_Wolf70
    Lone_Wolf70 Posts: 2,820 Member
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    I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?

    Do ur kids go to school in China? 8a-6p 6 days a week?
  • cjpg
    cjpg Posts: 433 Member
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    Where does looking after yourself become selfish? Well, it's more of a 'when' and the answer is from DAY ONE.

    When I hear this question I'm reminded that we have to remember in order to truly help others we must first help ourselves so that we have the strength and mind to put to task what is required of us. So, it's selfish. 100%. And you know what else? That's completely OK. By helping yourself into a healthier lifestyle you are leading by example, which is the strongest way to teach - especially for your kids.

    As far as what you want in your life it sounds like you have a longing for your music to be a part of your life again. While I'm merely a web commented on a fitness site and you can take me for what I'm worth, I believe that a longing for something leads to resentment to that which keeps us from our passions. We all have our breaking point. So I believe that there are low commitment ways to re-introduce singing back into your life that wouldn't be life altering for your family - maybe go to an Open Mic around town. Search for local plays or, if you're a church-goer, you could take up choir as well. Just some ideas. :)
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    Search the topic "what weightloss DOES to a person" its an eloquently written answer to your question. Written by an mfp member yoovie. Find this topic!!!

    It was that thread that got me thinking, actually. I'm afraid I disagreed with it, because I don't think looking after yourself more generally leads you to become a better person. I think it often leads to self-absorption.

    This put you on the other side.
  • autumnk921
    autumnk921 Posts: 1,376 Member
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    I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?

    No, you want better for them and that is the way it should be...Plus what was said above ' A happy mom makes for a happy household'. You do what needs to be done for you and your family - You know what is best. How old are your kids btw?
  • bunchesonothing
    bunchesonothing Posts: 1,015 Member
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    Taking some time for yourself and/or deciding what goes in your mouth, is not selfish.
  • MemphisKitten
    MemphisKitten Posts: 878 Member
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    You're not selfish because you want to take care of yourself! I feel guilty sometimes because I exercise a lot, but my kids just know that is mommy's time, and they pretty much leave me alone. Do you think your kids would rather you die of a health issue when they are young, or do they want you at their graduation, wedding, etc.? But I understand the singing thing; I am a singer too, and I used to want more than anything to be a recording artist. I still try to get out and sing sometimes, but life has just gotten in the way. Don't let everyday things get in the way of your dreams. If you want to still be a singer, go out and do it hun!! You have to be happy and content with your life if you are to make a positive difference in anyone else's life!! :wink:
  • sheleen302
    sheleen302 Posts: 266 Member
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    Actually, looking again at the OP, I don't think this is about the kids at all.

    I think it's about your being sick and tired of coming second to your husband in terms of career and life and choice of location. In your situation, I'd be wanting to assert my personal needs a lot more firmly than you have been.

    It's time to have a serious discussion with him about how you feel, while you still have a marriage to discuss.
    ^^This is how I read it, too.
  • missprincessgina
    missprincessgina Posts: 446 Member
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    In my opinion I have to put myself first. No one else is going to put "me" first so I have to. And I do. The older I get, the better I am about it. I say no to a lot of stuff and take care of my needs; I eat healthy, work out daily, get my nails done, etc. etc. If I didn't, I'd be very unhappy.

    I do take care of my dogs and my husband but honestly, I come first. And if I don't have time for something, it can wait or I can delegate it to someone else.

    This is the main reason I decided early on not to have children. I'd end up with very little time for myself, my marriage, my health, and my three adorable little pooches. Plus throw in church, social activities and a little school work and my time is gone.

    My Mom wasted a lot of her younger years putting my douche-bad Dad and us kids first and she was really unhappy. Now, she puts herself first. She has a boyfriend and has hobbies and is much happier. They go out, have fun, go away on the weekends, etc. I try to do whatever I can for her because I realize everything she sacrificed for us.
  • snoopy7501
    snoopy7501 Posts: 46 Member
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    Taking care of yourself and making sure your needs are met is never selfish. People that try to convince you otherwise do not have your best interest at heart.

    After you get your "needs" met and start looking at "wants", you are free to do as you like. As you say, this is your one shot at life, and you get to make it what you want. Don't pay any attention to "shoulds" or such nonsense as you are making these decisions. It's all up to you. If other people think that's selfish, then that's their problem. The only thing to keep in mind is that every choice has consequences. For example, you might want to move and your husband absolutely will not. You have a choice between moving where you want and staying married. Then you get to decide what your priorities are and make a choice. But it is *always* your choice. And making conscious choices to be in control of your life is not selfish. Every person on the planet has the same right.
  • melissanne81
    melissanne81 Posts: 34
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    Taking care of yourself is not selfish and it doesn't ALWAYS lead to self-absorption. Talk to your husband about what you want. I'd be annoyed by his wanting to move and then having to travel all the time, too, especially if you sacrificed a career that you loved! In regards to excercise, I'm not sure I'm understanding why your kids are crying when you leave when they're in school full-time and you don't work, meaning you could go to the gym while they are at school....?
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
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    If your husband has to fly to work every week, does it really matter where you live?
    I also have put my "life on hold" to be a SAHM, and not by choice. It took awhile, but I eventually made friends here after 2 years.
    As soon as the kids are done with school, we're gone. Neither of us like living here, we're both from much warmer climates than Pennsylvania and it's cold winters. However, we have 3-4 years left and you have what?12? 13 years?

    Push for a move, but do research first. Since he's never home, why should he care? I don't think I could handle a relationship with kids with the husband gone all week, every week, year round. When we first moved here, my husband had to spend a week every month in GA. for now, it's every other week to Illinois for about 2 months. we're not happy, but it's in the best interest of the family.

    when the kids start school, it doesn't sound unreasonable for you to go back to work/school. Maybe give music lessons? go to school to be a music teacher? If you go to church, maybe join the choir? I think you'll be much happier if you can somehow utelize your talents.

    **and I don't think it's selfish. My 1st husband didn't care much for my happiness, and my life goals. hence the divorce.
  • FabMrFox
    FabMrFox Posts: 259 Member
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    What ever happened to "for better or for worse"? you've reached this snapping point that you feel big change is needed due to not being honest about your needs at some point in the relationship
  • tigerblue
    tigerblue Posts: 1,525 Member
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    It's not selfish to take an hour or so a day for yourself. Even our marriage counselor agreed with that. (we had a little of this issue when I started exercising daily)

    Look carefully at your schedule and communicate your needs to your family. It may be challenging, but you should be able to find several hours a week that will work.

    Also, consider a compromise on some days--use an exercise video at home while your kids play in the room with you, etc.

    Maybe, also, get them exercising with you--bikes, walks, swimming, etc. This will only help the kids in the future.

    My husband finally came around and started exercising regularly after I did. Now he looks better than ever, too, and is so proud of himself!
  • atsteele
    atsteele Posts: 1,358 Member
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    Search the topic "what weightloss DOES to a person" its an eloquently written answer to your question. Written by an mfp member yoovie. Find this topic!!!

    It was that thread that got me thinking, actually. I'm afraid I disagreed with it, because I don't think looking after yourself more generally leads you to become a better person. I think it often leads to self-absorption.

    It can if taken too far. But it doesn't have to be so extreme.
  • atsteele
    atsteele Posts: 1,358 Member
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    I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?

    Have you asked your children how they feel about where they live? Maybe they are happy where they are.

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