When is a relationship beyond fixing

13

Replies

  • crosstitcher0563
    crosstitcher0563 Posts: 110
    Hi
    My parents went through times that they fought like cats and dogs--tigers and wolves. They stuck it out and have 62 years together. They know each other very well and have settled bliss.

    There are people who go from one relationship to the next searching for happiness or trying to be happy. They have not built a relationship to last. It takes time, effort and sacrifice. Rome wasn't built in a day.

    My advice: If you want a relationship, pick someone. Make the commitment. Just do it. If you want to be alone, be alone. Make the commitment to yourself or God. Just do it.

    Quit messing around.
  • PhotogNerd
    PhotogNerd Posts: 420 Member
    When sex becomes a once a year experience.... hint hint guy from that other thread...your relationship is dead....
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    I do still have love for him, a lot of it and I miss the days when I confided in him and went to him for comfort.

    So why did you stop? Confide in him about this, and ask for some comfort. You might be surprised to find that a simple lack of communication has allowed some minor issues to fester to the point where you aren't talking TO each other any more, but AT each other. Just start talking, and if you still love each other the real issues will bubble up pretty quickly, and you can address them.

    Make it clear that you are in a crisis about your relationship and what you feel is lacking. Be honest about your own contributions to the problems and sincere about your feelings.

    If he steps up to the plate and agrees to work at it, there's still something there that the two of you can work with. If not, well, you've at least cut right to the chase and given it an honest go, and if you decide to leave it'll be clear to both of you why it happened.
  • Cat52169
    Cat52169 Posts: 277 Member
    Well now that I've stalked you, I see you have two children. As a woman who successfully raised two children alone, I say it can be done. I have never advocated to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children. If you love your man and want to fix it, fix it. Nothing is unrepairable if BOTH of you want it. If you want out, get out. Don't feel sorry for the kids, don't feel sorry because you may hurt him. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship is not good for anyone.
  • cutchro
    cutchro Posts: 396 Member
    Unless flat out deal breakers (cheating, lying, etc) have been met... have you suggested counseling?

    I just had my 27th wedding anniversary with the man I have known for 29 years... Our divorce will be final May 1! Deal Breakers were hit more than once... :cry:

    Good luck!
  • Embooya
    Embooya Posts: 222 Member
    When you work 70 hours a week yet you still feel like a single mother and an ATM to somebody..
  • sheleen302
    sheleen302 Posts: 266 Member
    You're together four years and the last two months have been rocky.

    Figure out what the problem is. If it's something that is solvable, solve it. Only you know if you can live with this or not.

    If you really can't even have a conversation anymore, get into a therapist's office. He or she will make you talk rationally and keep you on task. The last four years of your life deserve at least that.
    Agreed. Also like the post about talking it out with him and deciding jointly what to do.
  • sassylilmama
    sassylilmama Posts: 1,493 Member
    I will tell you the same thing my sister told me. Eventually there will come a time in your life when you will look at your partner and basically just go " ick". Whether it is the same routine day in and day out, the toothpaste that is always in the sink, the smell of your partner, it just annoys the living day lights out of you. And it may be several times in your life.

    I laughed then but not now. Relationships are work. Whether you are married or dating, to stay with someone is a committment. And all commmittment requires communication. Sometimes the subject of the communication can be difficult, but it has to be done.

    At least with communication, you then know if what is there is worth it or if the "ick" is just not worth it.

    I couldn't have said it better.
  • twisted88
    twisted88 Posts: 294 Member
    If you are already gathering together the things to dispose of the body, then the relationship is beyond fixing.
  • MizKittyB
    MizKittyB Posts: 47 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    ^^^ THIS. When I called it quits after 18 months, no one could seem to understand that "because I was unhappy" was a valid reason, because somehow, sticking it out for so long meant it MUST be good. (I should have called it quits 6+ months sooner than that, honestly, but I didn't want to be the 'bad guy' right as holidays and birthdays rolled around.)

    In sum, if you're not happy, take a good hard look at whether you can fix it, or want to fix it. If the answer is no to any of those parameters, end it.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    You might be surprised to find that a simple lack of communication has allowed some minor issues to fester to the point where you aren't talking TO each other any more, but AT each other.
    "Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
    Sense of compassion
    Between supposed lovers"
    (Schism -- Tool)
  • pixtotts
    pixtotts Posts: 552 Member
    as someone else said.. if your asking us instead of asking him... maybe its getting there..

    go talk to him about it!
    me and Craig started arguing more and more about silly things and it was because we both had things we werent saying... kill or cure ...we talked and we decided splitting was for the best... but we were able to do so on good terms :)
    x
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    It's rarely beyond fixing unless one party doesn't want to work at it.

    Agreed
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Just break up.

    If I ever get banned from MFP "JustBreakUp" is going to be my new handle. Then I can just post arrows to myself.
  • fswong
    fswong Posts: 10
    Get a nice bottle of wine that you both enjoy. Set up a relaxing, no-distractions time. Tell him that it's important for the two of you to talk.

    Print out your original post, and read it to him, word for word. Then be prepared to talk honestly and listen openly. Be open to the suggestion, or perhaps make the suggestion, to do a little couples therapy.

    Then, as a couple, decide how you want to proceed. Even if the proceeding means not "as a couple" any more.

    This is the best advice I have seen.
  • graveflower316
    graveflower316 Posts: 169 Member
    Move on. Why hold onto something you if you have no incentive to anymore?
  • babeinthemoon
    babeinthemoon Posts: 471 Member
    So many people make the assumption that relationships are 50/50. They are not. Both partners have to give 110% or things begin to fall apart. My husband and I are going through a rough patch... but our relationship is not going to just be tossed away because he made a SERIOUS mistake a long time ago, that I only just now found out about. He hid the mistake, and a huge wall was built between us, to the point that we have been more of roomates than spouses. We are both (now) committed to making our relationship work. This month we'll celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. I'm hoping that our next 13 years blow the first 13 out of the water! :)

    Seriously, though, if you are are both interested in saving your relationship, consider counceling or at minimum reading "love and respect." You both need to learn how to communicate in a healthy manner. I know... because that's what my husband and I are doing right now.

    Good Luck!
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,855 Member
    Accept the fact that you're wrong and he's right. . problem solved.
  • Drussander
    Drussander Posts: 266 Member
    You admit that you are not without fault in what is causing the problems. You need to ask yourself : What do I need to do the fix this relationship? That might mean both of you compromising more. All relationships require tolerance and give and take.

    Otherwise, if you don't want to fix it - don't. Move on.
  • jayaprathappsg
    jayaprathappsg Posts: 60 Member
    My theory is any relationship is repairable if you truly love the person.
    I would suggest trying to recollect all the great memories.
    Also sit down with the person and decide with him/her to make an effort to fix the relationship, see if you can get their buy in
  • snipalicous
    snipalicous Posts: 69
    Talk to him about the problems instead of asking an internet forum. You'll probably learn a lot more and get flamed a lot less.

    I think I worry about his answer ...........

    Even if he does not answer the way you want, atleast you will know. I would agree that you should talk tohim about what is going on because too many ppl can give the wrong advice for what is best for you. I also agree with going on a few dates and make some time for just the two of you, that is very important and vital in every relationship. If he doesnt want to...then you have your answer
  • dalana84
    dalana84 Posts: 75 Member
    I have taken a lot in from the responses this thread has attracted. They all make sense, but only some feel right for me. I'm not going to leave him out of a decision about what to do with the relationship because for quite a few reasons, we need to make it together. I'm not able to say that I think once we talk things out, everything will be okay, but I can say that I know we will be honest with each other and regardless of the outcome I know that I can count on him to always be the great dad that he is.

    Thank you again to everyone who gave their input, I read them all and I learned a lot. I will be walking away with some great advice.
  • Parthiv0304
    Parthiv0304 Posts: 27
    Well if u r not an angel anymore for him someone else might be! If you know for sure he can do that to you then stick it out and things will start getting better
  • thelovelyLIZ
    thelovelyLIZ Posts: 1,227 Member
    It's rareybeyond fixing unless one party doesn't want to work at it. However, it may not be worth fixing if the bad considerably outweighs the good.

    I've been with my husband for 22 years and based on your post you've argued more in the past 2 weeks than we have in the past 2 decades. You have to decide if it's worth saving and if it is both of you need to work at it. And make no mistake about it - it will be hard.

    This is excellent advice. I tried for a long time to fox a relationship, but the guy just wasn't having it. No amount of work on my part was going to make up for what he lacked. It is also worth considering if you even want to fix it- weigh your pros and cons.

    The best advice I can give is you two need to sit down and talk it through. Decide which direction you want to head in and if you want to do that together. Weigh your options.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    I do still have love for him, a lot of it and I miss the days when I confided in him and went to him for comfort.

    So why did you stop? Confide in him about this, and ask for some comfort. You might be surprised to find that a simple lack of communication has allowed some minor issues to fester to the point where you aren't talking TO each other any more, but AT each other. Just start talking, and if you still love each other the real issues will bubble up pretty quickly, and you can address them.

    Make it clear that you are in a crisis about your relationship and what you feel is lacking. Be honest about your own contributions to the problems and sincere about your feelings.

    If he steps up to the plate and agrees to work at it, there's still something there that the two of you can work with. If not, well, you've at least cut right to the chase and given it an honest go, and if you decide to leave it'll be clear to both of you why it happened.

    This is great advice. My last relationship failed because my partner refused to talk to me about what we were struggling with. He thought talked about it would make our relationship weaker, and he was scared of it causing damage. Turned out not talking just did that.
  • ash8184
    ash8184 Posts: 701 Member
    I think it may be more gray than others are making it out to be. Have you thought about why you argue? My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and there will be days and occasionally part of a week where we snip at each other too, but it's usually for a good reason (one of us is beyond stressed at work, extenuating circumstances, or I'm PMSing and he can do nothing right). If you're being a brat, is he getting the impression he can do nothing right? That will kill a man's self esteem in a heartbeat. If you want it to work out, work at it - if you're indifferent, maybe it's time to move on (though the faces may change, the problems you're experiencing may stay the same!). Think long and hard about it.
  • dalana84
    dalana84 Posts: 75 Member
    Accept the fact that you're wrong and he's right. . problem solved.

    I noticed they don't have a "punch in the face" smiley anywhere .....

    :laugh: jk!
  • belgerian
    belgerian Posts: 1,059 Member
    My wife and I have had issues but its being worked on. In my opinion it is over when the other person quits trying or your tired of trying. Either way its good to end it before your needs wander elsewhere.
    Some ppl would say if my significant othere did blank blank or trated me like blank blank . I would leave her/him, but in reality we all make mistakes but if someone is not willing to own up to them, face them and deal with the consequences and try to work on a solution then it is truly time to call it quits.
  • lesliethescrivener
    lesliethescrivener Posts: 41
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    ^ this.
  • dbriggs9
    dbriggs9 Posts: 31 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    I agree. People come in and out of your life at different times for different reasons. There's no reason to hang on to something just because it is. Let go and move forward. it hurts, and it's easier said than done. But, the point is to be happy. I hate arguing. Ugh! I never argue in my relationships and people tell me that's why they dont last. I have to keep calling BS on that. They dont last for different reasons. Mainly, I'm really difficult to live with.

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