Getting Upset When People Notice?

I"m glad that they notice but their tone of voice is what concerns me. Their tone of voice is concerned (in a bad way) As if they are refraining from making a rude comment. I'm happy that I lost weight so it makes me even more self conscious of how I look now.

Yes, I understand getting upset when people notice. When I first started out on this, I HATED when people noticed that I'd lost weight. It would actually send me into a psychological tail-spin. I'm dealing with a lot of underlying stuff from my past, and people around me don't necessarily know about all that.

For me to start with, it wasn't safe for people to know that I'd lost weight. I wasn't ready to talk about my body, my decisions, etc. I wasn't sure I would be able to sustain this weight-loss and if they noticed then I would have a hell of a lot of expectations placed on me to keep going when I wasn't sure I was able to. It had the capacity to completely de-rail any progress I felt I could make. Also, any comments they made about my weightloss made me feel so sad and ashamed...I was already yelling at myself in my head for being so fat...I did't need everyone else to feel they had licence to now openly discuss my body and my weight.

That then triggered responses held deep in my brain about trauma from the past...and it made me feel really unsafe.

How I dealt with it? I wore baggy clothes to cover my body from prying eyes so that my reducing shape couldn't be seen. I also wore layers and bulky jumpers/sweaters for the same reason. I stayed like that for as long as it took until I realised that I could do it, and that I'd made the decision for the long haul, and then I started to wear normal clothes around my partner and others who I felt safe around...then, once I felt comfortable with their responses, I started to wear normal clothes in public. And now, I love it when people notice because they recognise my hard work.

It's hard to deal with. I get it.

Maybe you could also think of some responses to people's comments/compliments/well-meaning thoughts to help you tell them that you're not ok with it?

Take care.

I don't mind when they notice, but I do mind when they go into way too specific detail about how much and from where I must have lost it. I have a friend who constantly oversteps my comfort level in her comments. Makes me feel like an object to be judged. My looks are not my only personality trait! I have worth beyond my physical traits!

I understand where you are coming from. I don't feel upset about the direct comment "are you losing weight?"...it's more like attention is being drawn to the larger issue of gaining and losing. I can relate because I have lost large amounts before and gained it back. For those who have never gone through that Yo-Yo battle... a compliment seems "nice." To those who are extreme dieters it seems as though that comment brings a certain level of awareness to the entire battle over the years. It's not that I get mad at a person for giving me a compliment (duh haha its that you have to face that feeling of wondering if people are thinking "well she's just going to gain it all back again." Its not other people noticing that bother me, it is the demons I struggle with inside over my own weight issues. Either way it's never to late to start again, gain a NEW control and have a better understanding of ourselves

Double posted

I'm a little confused by your post - I'll explain. If you change your appearance in any way people will notice - people notice if I change my shirt into something bright, I notice if my friend has a running kit on instead of their shirt and tie. When you lose weight people will notice - I think you can agree on this. So it seems to me the problem you are feeling (which is genuine) is not that they have noticed - the only way to avoid this is to move home and start a new job, the problem is that they have said they have noticed. How come people voicing something that is obvious and intended to be a compliment be taken as something that upsets part of you. I'm asking the question for you to answer to yourself. Is it that you think that because they have noticed the loss then internally part of you seems to think they think you are doing if for them - or perhaps you feel some sort of pressure to comply and do more from there comment ? there is something human, irrational (like parts of all of us) that is going on here. A way though this is to think - think that they are only complimenting you rather than giving you an instruction. Think - they are separate from you - the words they say ar their words for them - they don't have to affect you in the slightest. If you are brave then think and feel what you are feeling and see where in your past it comes from - what is going on is psychodynamic and there is some conflict inside you that could do with resolving. I'm gonig to say this again though - we all have such things going on - sometimes they jump up and make us feel bad like yours has - I'd suggest you read some information on transactional analysis on the web (or get a book - either what do you say after you say hello by Erick Burns or TA Today by Stewart). this is of course if you want to stop feeling bad. If you are ok with the negative feelings and just wish people would shut up (which they are not going to) then that's ok to. What I rally think though is that you shouldn't give people power over you and what you feel - don't choose to let them make you feel upset or bad - its up to you.

Good luck and keep being brilliant just like you are :-)

your not alone we all go threw this i think some people like the attention but for me also i dont realy like people asking cause i feel like if i fail they will all know i failed lol but what ever i guess

I'm afraid of the "there she goes again when will she gain it back" too, but I figure they cant see the change in my mind. The change that knows I will always have a food addiction, and I want to be better I want to have a healthy relationship w/ food and my body. I guess its realizing their opinions and thoughts whether good or bad dont matter in the end I'm doing the for myself and for me only.

I seriously never thought people would dislike when a friend or relative said ´are u losing weight?´.. We all are here for that, cause we wanna get healthier, happier, look better...
I dont understand why some get upset when people finally see a change in us. Im so damn proud of where i am right, I could never EVER get upset with a comment like that, quite as opossite, I get upset when people i havent seen in a long time see me and dont say a damn word about how different I look :grumble:

but oh well.. to each their own!


My sentiments exactly!

I just feel that if someone had a gambling addiction, or smoking addiction, or something along those lines they were trying to beat, it's often done so quietly other people don't notice. For those of us that struggle with a food addiction, it's like we're wearing a sign that says "FOOD IS MY ADDICTION! YOU WATCHED ME GET FAT, NOW WATCH MY PRIVATE STRUGGLE AS I TRY TO BEAT IT".

It's definitely understandable, but even with other kinds of addictions, it's not always the same for everyone. A good family friend of mine had serious gambling addiction years ago; while she won't go around broadcasting about it on a soapbox, she's not ashamed to admit it in public either, because it's all in the past. Same with a friend who happens to be an ex-smoker... She's proud that she beat the addiction.

Like with most things, it's different for each person. Someone close to me is struggling with a MAJOR addiction (not food) but has taken the first step to beating it. I will be so proud of him when he's victorious, but I may have to be careful on how to express my feelings in case he's sensitive about it.

I like when people notice and tell me how great I'm looking.. I think I look so much better too. I feel bad when people I know well don't notice or say anything, but then I'm an observant person and always comment on my friend's and co-workers, new hair do's clothes, makeup, whatever. I think we all need to hear positive comments. It never means I didn't like them the other way too, just that I noticed they put a lot of effort into something new.

I would take it as a compliment though I can understand where you are coming from but for me I was disappointed when family I hadn't seen for a while hadn't noticed my hard work and the weight I had lost......

Maybe they did notice but didn't want to make you feel self-conscious? Did you tell them you were trying? I don't tell people I notice unless I know they are working at it and the reason I know is because they told me.

I think the difference between the OP and the comments that say that they'd be upset if people DIDN'T notice is that the latter are ready for people to notice, ready and confident they can/will do it and have had something click in their minds where they believe they deserve to be healthy. OP, I don't know you personally, but I know depression and I have experienced the feelings you have described. It takes work to believe in yourself. And it takes effort on your part to protect yourself from the people around you and their (often well-meaning) comments until you are ready and able to face them. Do you have support around you, e.g. a psychologist and/or a dietician (or GP) who understands depression and the connection with food issues? If not, what kind of support do you have around you?

Also, to the person who said that their friends don't minds others knowing about their previous struggles with addiction, remember this. Those friends are talking about PAST addictions whereas the OP is talking about a CURRENT addiction. There is a big difference in mindset between the two.

***Mini-rant***

My father went on dialysis in 2008, when he was almost 58 and I was almost 28....I had volunteered to be a donor if he qualified for a transplant, which it turns out he may not, due to other conditions. At the time my dad started thinking about a transplant and going through that process, I had already started my weight loss - I started at a BMI about 127(I am 5'4 and weighed about 158 at the start of it, near the end of January 2009. By March, I was no longer medically overweight, by April I had lost 30 lbs, and weight continued to come off when I was in maintenance and not trying to lose, which put my weight at 114 lbs several months later.

During the middle of my weightloss process, and when I was down enough that I had a healthy BMI, I had doctors/dieticians/medical professionals at my father's dialysis center who made pointed comments about donors and weight loss - for instance, and I'm almost quoting, they would say to my father in my presence, "You obviously don't need to lose weight, but a donor also has to be under a certain weight to qualify to give the transplant." This was said more than once in my presence...
The social workers and nurses at the dialysis center knew me when I was 158, but the comments never came up then, as my fathers' doctor at the veteran's hospital did not consider him a transplant candidate initially. I found it strange that they did not notice my weight loss or consider the possibility that I might not be overweight anymore, given that they had no way of knowing my height/weight.. The comments BEGAN when I was 140 lbs and no longer medically overweight, and I found it offensive and discouraging. Not only did they NOT comment on my weight LOSS at this time, but it was as though they expected that I must be heavy because someone might have noted it on a chart or paperwork for my father in the past(based on speculation, because at that time I didn't have my donor card, and had not been weighed or had an exam). His doctor at the VA hospital made similar comments.

When my weight loss was extreme enough for them to notice, I continued to find their comments impolite/unhelpful/discouraging:

*Me with my dad at an appointment several months after I lost weight,, wearing a bulky winter coat and baggy pants - the dr. made the weight comment again, while looking closely at me.

*Around my lowest(in the one-teens) - my father's dietician complimented me on my weight loss and then asked if I was still losing. I said that I had lost the weight months before and was not still losing. The comment was not encouraging, because I wasn't sure whether she was implying she still thought I was fat, or saying something to the effect that she worries about people regaining weight - after all, when I'm near the very bottom of my weight range for height, why would I still be losing? I had finished losing weight months before this, and considered it a negative comment because I didn't even think about maintaining my weight at that point- it came automatically. The smaller me was who I was and I felt comfortable with it, but this compliment, though well intended, jolted me and made me wonder how others see my body. I realize it is possible that she was worried I was losing too much weight, but given that she herself looks very petite, I didn't think that was likely. I also was disturbed that she paid that much attention to my weight, when I had never exceeded 15 lbs over a healthy BMI.

*I get many comments about being tiny now- and I know my body fat percentage measured 17% at my gym when I started there and I think should be as low or lower now. But I don't have a feminine or pretty shape and never did - so when I have ANY cushion, even if I'm not overweight, maybe some people think my lack of shape is because I'm overweight? But I got more flirtations when I was about 140 than when I was heavier and also more than now, when lighter.

I have come to the conclusion that it's VERY hard to be a woman in America, as far as "ideal weight" goes. Other people's ideas of ideal weight can differ radically.

Good luck on your journey. You will definitely have to work on the guilt and shame issues. People will notice, and the sooner you wrap your head around that the better it will be for you. I know it's scary to be so vulnerable and it obviously means a lot to you to lose the weight. So, it can be painfully to have set backs. I hope you find some great support here and if you don't, I hope you seek it elsewhere. Personally, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. We all have a story and our own path to travel. For most people, weightloss is a journey with ups and downs. Stay positive and keep the end goal in mind.