Can you still be best friend with your ex after a break up?

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  • littlelaura
    littlelaura Posts: 1,028 Member
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    My view on this, yes to being friends, not best friends, that person should end up being your future life long partner.
    I think if you loved someone and break up, I dont believe you ever stop having a non romantic overall generic love
    for that person, you did after all like them, care about them and might always feel they are a wonderful person
    just not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, so no need to burn bridges entirely, or throw out the baby with the bathwater.

    Give that relationship some space, aim to always be kind, civil, caring, but dont let it cross lines, aka no ex sex that
    will only confuse the both of you, and make you second guess yourself, if you are sure that person isnt the one,
    be crystal clear and aim for at least acknowledging that person in passing in the early stages of a break up.
    Dont play mind games unless you want it to get nasty fast, then no there would be no chance of saving a friendship.

    Good Luck.
  • Sarahbara76
    Sarahbara76 Posts: 601 Member
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    Depends whether or not you are better friends or lovers and that takes time to figure out . I am friends with 3 of my exes that all were there for me at a low point in my life, One was there when my brother died and the other thawed out my frozen heart and taught me that love is not a stupid emotion. The 3rd was there 8 years ago when my longtime and current boyfriend broke up with me and wasn't speaking to me for several months. The last went from friends to more and I missed it completely and went running back to my boyfriend when he expressed interest. But he is still the one person who gets everything about me and likes me even with all my quirks. I would not ever want to lose touch with him and I still love him which makes it hard on the boyfriend. He says he wants me to stop talking to him and since he is out on a boat somewhere near Japan with no cellphone or Wi-Fi for a year it's likely he will get his wish for a year at least.. My point is some friends are always something more and some relationships grow into friendships. I adore my exes, they were there for me when it mattered most and they will always be friends. Just be careful not to lead him on if you are not interested .
  • slackerwoman
    slackerwoman Posts: 261 Member
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    I think most likely you will not be able to be best friends unless he is feeling the exact same way as you. I do think it is possible to break up and still be friends though. I am friends with my ex-husband many years later. Took some time but we got there.
  • Bronx_Montgomery
    Bronx_Montgomery Posts: 2,287 Member
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    Absolutely you can! I am still friends with a few of my exes and there are no issues. It obviously depends on the person and your current relationship when they find out that you are still friends with your ex. A lot of it may be due to insecurities as they are not sure if you would hook up with the person and not feel remorse because its not like your hooking up with someone random but a trusted friend..
  • millions0fpeaches
    millions0fpeaches Posts: 195 Member
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    I'm still friends with all of my ex boyfriends to some extent, and most times, I end up friends with their new girlfriends, too. They were once a part of my life for a reason. I feel like just because we've decided we weren't right for each other in that way doesn't mean that we shouldn't be able to be friends. I've had to distance myself from some of them for a period of time to ensure that any emotional attachment was gone, but I almost always end up talking to them again eventually. As long as both parties have no expectations for more than friendship, it shouldn't be an issue.
  • JustLindaLou
    JustLindaLou Posts: 376 Member
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    It works for some people, not for others... Really depends on the people, why the break-up, etc... I have a child with my ex-husband. We are "friendly" in our contact - cordial, civil, respectful. However, he is one of those who will take advantage and try to worm his way back in whenever his current situation is not to his liking. So I maintain a strong degree of aloofness and keep my guard up at all times, stay aware of his manipulations... He tries to get all "best friend" on me, but I am not "friends" with people I cannot trust! And I find it very difficult to be friends with a guy who clearly wants more, and it is usually best to maintain distance in those situations!
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
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    depends on the break up..... I have remained friends with mine but thats just the person I am...Now my sister whos ex was an abusive *kitten*...NO I cannot see her wanting to remain friends ! so again I guess it depends on the situation...sometimes people split just becasue they grew apart and fell out of LUST/LOVE with one another, not that either did the other wrong.
  • chocolateandpb
    chocolateandpb Posts: 453 Member
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    I would like to read this whole thread later, as I am currently involved in a messy "second breakup" with my ex. We dated for close to 4 years, lived together for 6 months, broke up last December and he moved out. We almost immediately began having ex-sex and admitted that we still loved each other, but there wasn't a way to make it work unless he got his isht together (which is never going to happen, because I already waited 4 years for him to do so). We remained very good friends, talking or texting almost everyday mostly just to say hello or to fill each other in on anything particularly bad/good that happened, and hanging out once or twice a week.

    This week, totally out of the blue, he told me that he's done and doesn't want to be friends anymore, and that he thinks it would be good if we didn't talk or see each other for awhile because it's time to move on. I agree that it is time to move on (I would like to find someone to spend the rest of my life with), but the fact that he laid this on me so suddenly, in a really harsh and mean way, and has cut off ALL contact has brought up all of the icky emotions and sadness I went through when we broke up almost a year ago, and it hurts. A lot.

    I can't imagine not having him as one of my best friends. I think (I hope) that maybe after time passes, maybe a few months or so, we'll be able to resume our friendship, but I'm really not sure. What I DO know is I've been holding back from starting any new relationships because of the feelings I still had for him, and I'm sure he's in the same situation, and that's not fair to either one of us.
  • daniellealys
    daniellealys Posts: 301 Member
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    no way...sorry
  • heidiberr
    heidiberr Posts: 643 Member
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    I would say no---you can't truly get over someone until you give yourself space + time. If you stay friends, you are prolonging the hurt. Clean breaks are the way to go in my opinion---or friendship after a long length of time apart from one another. But I can't speak about you--this is just my experience.
  • meerkat70
    meerkat70 Posts: 4,616 Member
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    My ex husband and I are still very close. I rely on him, and he on me. But the nature of the closeness is different from the way that it was in the past, obviously.

    He's also very good friends with my current partner.

    I don't think it's that hard to be friends with someone. If you truly cared for them to start with, you will surely continue to care. The form of the care alters.
  • manueljw
    manueljw Posts: 15
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    No. Absolutely not.

    I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Your ex is an ex for a reason and that baggage should be dropped immediately or you run the risk of jeopardizing any new relationships.
  • Celestialfairie
    Celestialfairie Posts: 134
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    Hi,

    You really should allow yourself time to heal. Someone's feelings in the relationship will still be raw. It's important to allow those feelings to heal and give yourself time to move on. Also, you'll be too temped to give him the cookies. Guess what, if he isn't good enough to be your full-time man, then he doesn't get the honor and benefit of your cookies.

    Use this time to focus on your. He'll be fine, if he's not, it's not your problem anymore.

    I love how this is phrased.
  • meghan6867
    meghan6867 Posts: 388 Member
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    No.

    (I'm in very, very rare instances it might work... but it never has for me)
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    I think it depends on the reason and the way the breakup happened. If for instance, it was because you wanted kids, he did not or vice versa and just knew there was no way either one of you would make the other suffer and ultimately resent the other person for having or not having kids and therefore parted on good terms, then why not? Now, if there was some knock down drag out fighting split, then maybe not so much. I think this is something each individual can answer for themselves better than random strangers on MFP. If you think it can work and he does too, then so be it.
  • RobfromLakewood
    RobfromLakewood Posts: 684
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    Personally, I think it's silly to stay friends. If you have children together, it is best to be friendly, but friends, best friends, not so much.

    If you were together for a significant length of time and with significant depth, then best friends is not going to be anything but convoluted initially. To not be carrying excess baggage (we all carry some) time apart is needed. When being friends with them is not an issue between a couple, it's the same time it doesn't matter to have the friendship either.

    It's a self-fulfilling situation to not be friends either. Of course, like everyone, this is opinion, but with billions of people on the planet to have for friends, why would you potentially inhibit future relationships by being stuck in past ones?
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
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    *I* definitely can NOT be best friends with any of my exes. Being married with kids to someone else, it probably would not be a great idea anyway. Emotional attachment and reattachment happens a large percentage of the time. So I don't even strive to be "best friends" with any of them so as not to put myself, my husband or my kids in a tough situation. I am not rude though, if I happen to see them I'm very polite. But I don't go out of my way to hang out with them either.
  • Celestialfairie
    Celestialfairie Posts: 134
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    I don't know. I have many friends now that I've dated in the past. We're all grown up now, married or divorced, children or cats. And we all get along well, and can speak as often or as rarely as we want.

    That being said... it really depends. If I was living with someone, with them for years, ready to marry them... and then it fell through? I might be a bit raw about things. Depending on the note it ended in (positive versus negative) I'd be willing to try friendship, but it might be strained and distant at first. I agree with those who say to give it a bit of time.
  • BigBrewski
    BigBrewski Posts: 922 Member
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    I think it depends of the situation, in most cases I would say no. However...my best friend is actually my ex boyfriend. But we were friends *before* dating was even in the question so it doesn't seem abnormal now. I would say generally though, being best friends would be very hard.

    Friends? Yes, I believe that shows maturity and that both parties have moved on. Totally dependent on each relationship/situation.

    My ex-girlfriend was best friends with her ex. It was very uncomfortable for me. We went to parties (christmas, superbowl, ect) and she would bring him along so it was the 3 of us...they also spent a lot of time together. It didn't really bother me until she told me that it was "uncool" for me to hang out with some friends of mine that happened to be women.

    I think you can be friends with an ex but if your "best" friends with an ex it creates tension for future relationships.

    Just my 2 cents.
  • mwilke
    mwilke Posts: 378 Member
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    Absolutely. My ex is my best friend. We don't talk everyday or anything, but next to my husband, he is the one person that I would trust my life to. Besides my husband, he is the one person who knows me better than I know myself. Just because you know it's not going to work between you, that doesn't mean he can't be in your life. But it takes communication, and being honest with each other. It is a two way street, and he has to be able to accept the fact that you are friends and nothing more. I still love my ex, but I am not in love with him. It is a different love than when we were together. Hope this helps :flowerforyou:

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