Relationship advice...Please!

245

Replies

  • axialmeow
    axialmeow Posts: 382 Member
    out of boundries for a friend. Would he boost his male friends self esteem this way?
  • EnchantedEvening
    EnchantedEvening Posts: 671 Member
    It's hard to say. He could have used poor wording. For example, a co-worker told me he's never been on a date. I was really shocked and said, "Really? You're so smart and funny and attractive!"

    Now, I didn't mean that as, "I want you." I was just surprised and trying to boost his self-esteem. If we had been texting and my boyfriend found the text, I'm sure he'd be hurt. If he'd overheard it, though, and heard the tone in my voice, he would have realized I was just opening my mouth ahead of my brain as usual and just trying to buck up a friend.

    On the other hand, I've dated guys who said stuff like that to a few girls they were close friends with, and flirted with them on occasion, and they ended up cheating on me, breaking up with me, or frustrating me to the point of breaking up with them.

    How long have they been friends? If they were close friends long before you started dating, maybe he was just being nice to her in that friend-who-is-family sort of way. You know your boyfriend and the situation best. If you have doubts, talk to him and gauge his reaction.
  • Fat2Fit145
    Fat2Fit145 Posts: 385 Member
    Well....it's a bit rude and may have implied more to the girl... does he realize this?

    If he does and was apologetic, I may let it pass.

    If he had an excuse, I'd question it more.

    AND I just read down that this happened a while ago and it is bothering you....you either trust him or you don't.

    Its kinda in between, if there cld be such a thing... i trust him not to do anything as in actually cheat.... however i am not and dont think i will ever be confortable with them as friends....
  • EnchantedEvening
    EnchantedEvening Posts: 671 Member
    out of boundries for a friend. Would he boost his male friends self esteem this way?
    Bad comparison. Her boyfriend isn't gay.
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
    Sounds more like flirting with an invite to pounce. Not so innocent, but I wasn't there and you are so good luck
  • jealous_loser
    jealous_loser Posts: 395
    You could talk to him instead of us? See what was meant by the comments and such. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Fix it or don't, but I don't think you can force it to work. You said it was almost a year ago? Either let it go, or leave. Is he still saying these things?
  • Brenda_Pancakes
    Brenda_Pancakes Posts: 288 Member
    Check his text messages.

    MissKortney here has it right. Unfortunately, if you check his stuff out - you may find some crap that's upsetting between the 2 of them... possibly other chicks too. I'm all for privacy; but he deserves a snooping. Caution: you may NOT like what you find. Sorry to hear your man is an asshat. :grumble:
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    Its kinda in between, if there cld be such a thing... i trust him not to do anything as in actually cheat.... however i am not and dont think i will ever be confortable with them as friends....

    He will find other friends. This is about him and not them. It's disrespectful to you, and you should both know that.
  • EnchantedEvening
    EnchantedEvening Posts: 671 Member
    Oh for crying out loud. Do NOT check his text messages. Just talk to him.
  • willwillywilson
    willwillywilson Posts: 229
    Am I reading it right that this happened a year ago? What's happened since or are you just holding on to this one statement? Was the remark inappropriate? Probably. Does it define his feelings for you or this other person? Only his total actions tell that story.
  • Fat2Fit145
    Fat2Fit145 Posts: 385 Member
    That comment in my opinion is inappropriate, no matter how you look at it.: 1. If she asked him-she's wrong AND his response was wrong. Means she thinks of him that way and he thinks of her the same =They do not respect his relationship. FAIL.... 2. If he told her just for GP: He is wrong all by his self. Means he thinks of her in that way and by hanging out with her puts him in tempting and compromising situation everytime they're together= he does not respect you and/or your relationship. 3. You the OP confronted him and he has not A. quit being friends with her B. Earned your trust after making that statement initially, and therefore may not respect you and/or the relationship. Just my opinion. If he wants to be with you, your feelings she be his number 1 priority. Again this is just my take on the situation, based on the info that was given. Obviously I dont know all the ins and outs of your relationship, him, or what occured that caused him to make such a statement in the first place. Hope everything works out. Good Luck Love :wink:


    Appreciate it... very valid points... and the thing is, a few weeks ago she asked him to take her to a dinner, he then came and asked me if it was ok.... ummmmmmmm! shouldnt that answer be obvious? i guess it wasnt.... they ended up not going cuz she called it off... but still!
  • EnchantedEvening
    EnchantedEvening Posts: 671 Member
    You could talk to him instead of us? See what was meant by the comments and such. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Fix it or don't, but I don't think you can force it to work. You said it was almost a year ago? Either let it go, or leave. Is he still saying these things?

    This is spot on.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    If it was me, it would bother me too. Not so much that he is friends with a girl, but the fact he made that comment.
    I would sit down with him and ask him to explain the comment, and then I would process what he said and the actions he shows me.

    Then I would probably move on if I didn't like what he had to say.
    I've been screwed a few times in the last few years, and I don't take no *kitten* no more LOL
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    Honestly, I would ask him to stop being friends with her because I definitely would not be comfortable with that. At all.
  • Brenda_Pancakes
    Brenda_Pancakes Posts: 288 Member
    LOL!

    NO! Check his text messages.

    Wait... if it is flirting; that's wrong... right?
  • blissfulself
    blissfulself Posts: 193 Member
    def sounds like he was flirting with her. did he say it in response to her fishing for compliments (i.e. i can't find a boyfriend..no one likes me blah blah) or just out of nowhere? either way sounds inappropriate and i would be uncomfortable/pissed
  • Syndri
    Syndri Posts: 46 Member
    Go with your gut feeling ... it's usually correct. The fact that you needed to post this means that you doubt him so stop tormenting yourself
  • Fat2Fit145
    Fat2Fit145 Posts: 385 Member
    You could talk to him instead of us? See what was meant by the comments and such. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Fix it or don't, but I don't think you can force it to work. You said it was almost a year ago? Either let it go, or leave. Is he still saying these things?

    hey, yeh we spoke. this happened almost a year ago. howver she is still his friend and in our circle of friends, so she is around often, and the interact durng those times... not inappropriately but they do... and well i dont like it....i tried letting it go but d other day they went to a concert i was together, I was going and then decided not to....and while he was getting ready he said he had to pick her up.... last night he tells me somone though that was his gf... so that sorta spurred the whole flashback of the statement......
  • Fat2Fit145
    Fat2Fit145 Posts: 385 Member
    Go with your gut feeling ... it's usually correct. The fact that you needed to post this means that you doubt him so stop tormenting yourself

    I agree!
  • Annette_rose
    Annette_rose Posts: 427 Member
    I would be pissed and uncomfortable with their friendship.

    I would feel the same as above. I saw where you posted some other things he has said to females. Ugh You have to do what you feel best but I would advise to be very cautious. I already know from a previous relationship that it is no fun to have to be cautious and guard one's heart because we really want to be able to trust and love our partner.
  • shamah84
    shamah84 Posts: 110 Member
    Because something very similar to this happened to me I am going to tell you that even though you think you love him and that he would never... He will and it won't necessarily be with this chic. My ex, yeah ex, did the same crap with a 'friend' of his who turned out to be someone he had once slept with but I did not know. Then he left his fb open on my cell and BAM! messages with other females talking about how he'd be with them or would like to be with them but is with me and **** about me that wasn't nowhere near the truth. Some stories about me cheating and here I was thinking things were awesome and that we were both happy. You obviously don't trust him and the fact that you told him you're not comfortable with this but yet they are still friends. Who is more important to him? You or her? I don't know but I'm sorry. He's not for you. That comment was just the one you know about, not to mention you found messages. Where is the respect?
  • Brenda_Pancakes
    Brenda_Pancakes Posts: 288 Member
    I would be pissed and uncomfortable with their friendship.

    Agreed. Good luck.
  • xxloveiswarr
    xxloveiswarr Posts: 124
    That comment in my opinion is inappropriate, no matter how you look at it.: 1. If she asked him-she's wrong AND his response was wrong. Means she thinks of him that way and he thinks of her the same =They do not respect his relationship. FAIL.... 2. If he told her just for GP: He is wrong all by his self. Means he thinks of her in that way and by hanging out with her puts him in tempting and compromising situation everytime they're together= he does not respect you and/or your relationship. 3. You the OP confronted him and he has not A. quit being friends with her B. Earned your trust after making that statement initially, and therefore may not respect you and/or the relationship. Just my opinion. If he wants to be with you, your feelings she be his number 1 priority. Again this is just my take on the situation, based on the info that was given. Obviously I dont know all the ins and outs of your relationship, him, or what occured that caused him to make such a statement in the first place. Hope everything works out. Good Luck Love :wink:


    Appreciate it... very valid points... and the thing is, a few weeks ago she asked him to take her to a dinner, he then came and asked me if it was ok.... ummmmmmmm! shouldnt that answer be obvious? i guess it wasnt.... they ended up not going cuz she called it off... but still!

    men aren't mind readers. if you didn't make it CRYSTAL clear that you are not comfortable with him being around this girl (especially in a one on one situation) you can't blame him for assuming it would be okay. sounds like you need to speak up and set some concrete boundaries.
  • jealous_loser
    jealous_loser Posts: 395
    You could talk to him instead of us? See what was meant by the comments and such. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Fix it or don't, but I don't think you can force it to work. You said it was almost a year ago? Either let it go, or leave. Is he still saying these things?

    hey, yeh we spoke. this happened almost a year ago. howver she is still his friend and in our circle of friends, so she is around often, and the interact durng those times... not inappropriately but they do... and well i dont like it....i tried letting it go but d other day they went to a concert i was together, I was going and then decided not to....and while he was getting ready he said he had to pick her up.... last night he tells me somone though that was his gf... so that sorta spurred the whole flashback of the statement......

    So he has to stop hanging out with her? That's not fair. Either let it go, or don't, but don't expect him to go with it. Just because someone thought they were dating doesn't mean anything. People are dumb and always assume things.
  • 1ConcreteGirl
    1ConcreteGirl Posts: 3,677 Member
    Without any more knowledge of you or him that what you have said, I think you sound insecure. If you really believe that "he would never," as you said, then you wouldn't be worried about it.

    ETA: If you don't trust someone, don't be with them. It's simple.
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
    He sounds like a douche. Did you ask him about it?

    Yes i confronted him about it, and he said he was just trying to boost her self-esteem

    I don't buy it. But you would know him best. Does he have any other past behavior that may prove him to be unfaithful to you?

    he did send other females messages that i didnt approve of like " there's something about you i really love"....sooooo......yeh


    I was going to say it was possible he was just being nice then I realized he's a guy. They don't usually play games like that.

    My new opinion: He was opening the door to the possibility of them to see what she would say. Plus, your last comment above tells me he views you as "for now" and he will jump ship as soon as he gets a better office.
  • erikapereira
    erikapereira Posts: 196
    There is not such thing "female friend". Guys always have dirty minds.
    Honestly I think he is being sneaky... If I was you I would investigate
  • melsmith612
    melsmith612 Posts: 727 Member
    If what he said made you feel that uncomfortable and insecure then it's really just time to move on.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    Just break up.
  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
    You say it has been a year since he said this... if he really wanted to be with her he probably would have dumped you by now and gotten on with it.

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