I am an enormous failure
BV1980
Posts: 272 Member
The highest I ever weighed was 452 lbs. This time last year I was down 94 lbs. I weighed 358 lbs and was on my way to getting it done. I had a ways to go, but I was down almost 100 lbs. I don't really understand what happened. I can only really explain it as being in a daze and time just slipping by, but as of today I weigh 444 lbs. Do the math... I gained almost everything back in a year. I really feel just so absolutely defeated right now. It's hard to even think about continuing this life. I had a final goal of 235 lbs. At the rate I was going I would've reached that goal right around the end of October this year. Instead, I am back to where I started.
What hurts the most is that I am well aware of the fact that I will always be alone as long as I am this way. I am 32 years old and have wanted nothing more in my life than to have someone in my life. I have never had a girlfriend. I thought I would be married and in love and travelling and doing all kinds of exciting things at 32. Instead I come home from work every day to an empty dark house and it's just me. It's always just me. Even if I lost all the weight I would have issues. Saggy skin is not attractive and at 444 lbs you better believe I am going to be nothing but a blob of skin if I lost all the weight.
I have lost any glimmer of hope that i was hanging on to.This has been something I have been struggling with my life. The difference between then and now is that I used to think to myself how it would all work out and I would fall in love someday and I could then make up for all the lost time and experiences. Now I realize that it isn't working out. I am still single. I am wasting away and I would much rather just speed up the process than sit around and suffer like this. I would love nothing more at this point to just not wake up tomorrow.I just cannot live like this anymore. I am so physically uncomfortable. I am so mentally exhausted. Most of all, I am so incredibly lonely.
Please do not lecture me. I do not know why I am posting this other than i feel like I have to tell someone, even if it is just people I do not know.
What hurts the most is that I am well aware of the fact that I will always be alone as long as I am this way. I am 32 years old and have wanted nothing more in my life than to have someone in my life. I have never had a girlfriend. I thought I would be married and in love and travelling and doing all kinds of exciting things at 32. Instead I come home from work every day to an empty dark house and it's just me. It's always just me. Even if I lost all the weight I would have issues. Saggy skin is not attractive and at 444 lbs you better believe I am going to be nothing but a blob of skin if I lost all the weight.
I have lost any glimmer of hope that i was hanging on to.This has been something I have been struggling with my life. The difference between then and now is that I used to think to myself how it would all work out and I would fall in love someday and I could then make up for all the lost time and experiences. Now I realize that it isn't working out. I am still single. I am wasting away and I would much rather just speed up the process than sit around and suffer like this. I would love nothing more at this point to just not wake up tomorrow.I just cannot live like this anymore. I am so physically uncomfortable. I am so mentally exhausted. Most of all, I am so incredibly lonely.
Please do not lecture me. I do not know why I am posting this other than i feel like I have to tell someone, even if it is just people I do not know.
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Replies
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Well, I will friend you and try to motivate. They way I look at weight is...you can either do something about it or not. It is up to you... Start today. Take a 15 minute walk and make a plan.0
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I read your post and it really touched a part of me that has witnessed this struggle first hand. A wonderful friend of mine has been struggling with her weight ever since her first child at age 22. She's had three kids and has put on and kept the weight from each and is a little over 5 ft tall and 350 lbs. She has lost, and gained, and lost then gained even more. I can only be so much help to her. And it frustrates me that one person can work out for 1 month, eat right and lose 5 lbs, and other person can follow the exact same regimen and not lose an ounce. That is her. The weight just STICKS to her.
I can only hope that you find the one thing that makes you want to do this for yourself. It's for health, not superficial reasons.
I never lectured her, and I wouldn't lecture anyone on their weight. An alcoholic can stay away from acohol and get better. A drug addict can stay away from drugs and get better. How does a person stay away from food to get better? We need food to live. We just need to know where to draw the line.
Maybe you need some counselling or group to talk with. They are out there.
Take care.0 -
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this low. The positive thing here is that you have still lost weight. And you’re here again now; deciding to try again and getting back on the right track.
Yeah, it is disappointing to have undone all that hard work but we’re all human and we slide back. So, we try again. With the help of others here and your determination, you can make it. And you will. We’re here for you.
I know you can do this because you did it once before. That proves determination.0 -
I hear you, loud and clear. No lectures from me. You are not alone. I have had many of your thoughts and feelings. But I can tell you your life is not over. You are not a failure. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You have time to do something about this. Just because you have failed in the past does not mean you cannot succeed in the future. I have failed at weight loss in the past many times, too numerous to count. But I never gave up trying, and for once in my life I am half way to my goal. I have NEVER gotten this far before. MFP is the only thing that has worked for me. Stick around here, log in every day, don't give up. Take it one day at a time. You can do this :flowerforyou: If you would like more support, add me. I will help in any way I can. I feel for you, I really do.
Don't waste one more second dwelling on the past. Take a deep breath....wipe the slate clean, take action now and start making your future.0 -
Honestly, I think you still have a glimmer of hope, otherwise you wouldn't still be posting here. It's not over til it's over, and you can still do this. If you really want it, you can do it. I can't imagine how frustrated and desperate you must feel right now, but you still have it within your power to start again, and be successful.
And, as much as it sucks to be alone, try and forget about those expectations of what you are supposed to have. Many people your age are alone, or in unhappy relationships, or in happy relationships but their lives are falling apart elsewhere. Weight is a stumbling block, but it's not the only thing that holds people back, and it's not a good enough excuse not to get as much out of life as you can.
From what you've written, you sound pretty depressed. Have you had, or considered having, and therapy or counselling? In addition to helping alleviate your feelings of depression, it could really help you sort stuff out in your head as far as the weight issues go. It might be just the boost you need right now.
Finally, have you seen Ed's story? http://www.myfitnesspal.com/eddavenport He's lost 311 lbs. He's also had some issues with skin, which it might help you to read about.
You can do this, you just have to find that thing inside you that got you going last time.0 -
I can relate to that feeling. I too gained back almost half of what I initially lost. Its frustrating. BUT I am back on track and you will be too. You obviously know how to make it happen since you lost 100lbs at one time.0
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You are not alone. I also have struggled losing and gaining. If it were easy, we wouldn't need this site for support, encouragement and a non-judgmental ear. You did the right thing by reaching out and putting your thoughts/feelings into words. Keep focusing on yourself - you are worth it!0
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no lecture here..... but a new start for sure - feel free to add me - you can do this - one step at a time... one meal at a time..0
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Pick yourself up and remember that if you did it once, you can do it again. I'm sorry you're in pain right now, but I know you can fix this.
Courage.0 -
Oh hon. I don't even know what to say to you other than if you need support, I'm here and you can add me as a friend and I'll do my best to lift you up.0
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sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
sometimes it's takes moments like these for us to realize we need to make changes in our life. of course we dont know what the future will hold, but jut take it 1 day at a time.
i also agree with reading ed's story http://www.myfitnesspal.com/eddavenport
good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I really feel for you. I have had that cycle of losing weight then putting it on. I put on loads of weight in my 2nd pregnancy, and after working so hard to lose weight it's really difficult, but I only had myself to blame, so I just got back in that gym and now have lost all my pregnancy weight and more. So it is possible, and it's just a set-back.
You know you can lose weight, so you can do it again. Don't lose faith.
Do you have anyone you can talk to as you sound quite down?
As for saggy skin - aren't people who lose a significant amount of weight entitled to surgery to deal with that? I think that's true in the UK anyway.0 -
I think you should get back at it... deal with extra skin when that time comes and start looking for a girl now... you don't have to have a 6-pack to date.
I will tell you this though... if you keep feeling sorry for yourself you will be writing this same post at 42!!! So come on back on that horse!!!0 -
Maybe you need to get better mentally before you get better physically instead of the contrary? Psychological support would do a world of good for you.
Good luck.0 -
Hi,
I just joined because I share your feeling of being an enormous failure and was desperately looking for help when I happened upon MFP. I read your post and the other replies and I really acknowledge your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and ask for help - that's a VERY HEALTHY action. I too have gained and lost too many pounds too many times. It's definitely a challenge, but the alternative is giving up on yourself . . . and we all know where that can lead.
The past is over, the future hasn't begun and today you're being honest and asking for help. Focus on that success and as cliche as it may sound, one day at a time, one meal at a time - it works.
Heartfelt good luck!0 -
I can also relate
I pretty much gained everything I lost back plus more, it was VERY hard for me to accept this. But I decided that today I'm going to change it. And I'm here for you! I know you're going to be upset about it but you need to turn that frown upside down! You did it once, you can do it again and this time you have all of us here for you! I'm sending you a friend request, please know that I have faith in you! 0 -
I've done the same - lost so much and then gained it all back. I know its demoralizing. But, you did this once before. You can do it again.
By the way, love can still find you. I know it seems like it sometimes, but not everyone is so shallow that they need you to be perfect before they find you attractive. If everyone was that shallow, our race would die out because none of us are perfect!
Keep your head up.
Don't give up.
There is ALWAYS hope.0 -
Dude, if you want it bad enough... It'll happen.
Open your diary on mfp, log every day, get a bunch of friends that will keep you honest. Feel free to add me, and I'll comment on your posts.
Throw money at the problem,
Buy a fit bit or Nike fuelband, exercise every single day...
Get a personal trainer.
Don't weigh yourself.
Drink protein shakes.
Give up the alcohol.
You've previously lost 100lb, so you know you can do it... Get the strategy right, focus on the day to day execution.0 -
You are not I repeat not a failure. Life just takes over and derails sometimes. I'm 58 and weighed 248 when I started back in June. I've lost 31 lbs but nothing in the last month. I refuse to give up. I will start right here right now to keep on keeping on. I took a 40 min hike today I feel good about it. We need to have a healthier life style that we can live with. As Train would say, I won't give up if you don't give up.:bigsmile:0
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I have felt the exact same way so many times. You are not alone. I sent you a friend request, and I will try to help you in any way I can.0
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You're not a failure until you stop trying. It's hard, I agree. There are times I want to just say eff it. Forget finding a girl, just stay where I am. But I've come too far to throw in the towel.0
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Sending a friend request.
How about we refocus all that negative energy on a nice walk, or something calming. Then make a plan to get you back on track. This happens to everyone. It's painful and I know your situation cannot be easy. You need motivation and that's this site is for. There is no better time to start than now! 0 -
This breaks my heart, I know to some degree what you are feeling. Have you tried antidepressants and the drug Topomax? I have seen that this can help people conquer eating issues. It is shown that some people use food to self medicate and that these drugs can counter the urge to binge, I think that whatever you do, you need to know that from this point things can get so much better! When you feel hopeless it is hard to imagine going on or that you could ever feel better but it is actually possible! I will say a prayer for you...,0
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Your not a failure until you quit! you have lost 100lbs before you can do it again! be a winner because they never quit!0
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Please do not let the number on the scale hold you back from reaching out to others.
I saw your photos and was like: huh? he cannot find a girl? You look really nice and kind, so please give the girls a chance, maybe she is out there and just has no clue how to approach you!
I will send you a friends request and hopefully make this a little easier to be around!:flowerforyou:0 -
Man, don't be so down on yourself. I was 33 and nearly 400lbs and found a wonderful woman who eventually became my wife. I'm now 41 and this fall was 415lbs my wife is still with me! I decided that was enough though. I purchased a concept 2 rower and I've been givin er *kitten* for almost two months now. I've lost 17lbs so far (I know all you out there will say it's just water weight, but I don't care). Hearing your story is inspiration though as you did lose a tremedous amount of weight. If done once it can be done again. There's no time limit on this stuff man, like they tell smokers don't quit quitting. Well, don't quit on yourself, you obviously have what it take to do this, so DO IT!0
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I am so sorry you feel this way. I know you said "no lecturing", but I want you to hear just one important thing... please don't give up on life. There is so much more to life. And, I am sure that there are so many people out there that love you. And, probably someone out there that you still just haven't met.
And, before you say I don't know how you feel. No... I don't know exactly how you feel. I don't know about being 400+ pounds. But, I have been 300+ pounds. I have been raped. I have been abandoned. I have felt self-hatred. I have felt worthless. I have felt like trash. AND... I have attempted suicide twice since 2007. I am thankful, though, I was stopped both times... and I finally found the help I needed. It sounds like you may need to see someone as well. Please... don't give up. Try one more time. There are many people out there that understand how you feel... and that will help you. I am one of them. If you need a friend, I am just a message away.
Weight loss is not easy. It is hard. It is brutal. It is exhaustive. BUT.... IT IS WORTH IT!!! Please don't give up.
God doesn't create failures. You only fail if you quit trying.0 -
I just wanted to say you have a great resource here, and tons of people for support! I have seen some amazing success stories here, and I'm lucky enough to be friends with several amazing people who have lost over 100 pounds. Yes, it stinks that you have to trod the path you've already been down because you regained the weight, but you did it once and you can do it again!0
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I really don't know what to say. You are not a failure. Love happens to all kinds of people. It just has to be the right person at the right time. There is someone out there for you. Never give up!!! I agree with some of the others that said you need to go and get some professional help with your depression.
Again Never give up!!!!!0 -
Please don't give up. I don't even know you and have not been in your situation but you must do this for your own sake.
To make yourself happy and content with your life and you can not truly be content if you arent happy. That starts with your body. Don't think WOW I have to lose like 200 lbs or something and feel defeated before you even start.
Make a plan. A comitment. Figure out how much it is safe for you to lose each week.
Write down mini goals. Like every 10lbs off could be a milestone. While losing weight you have to work on your confidence etc as well. You can do it. 10 pounds at a time and this time next year you will probably only be half the man you are now in terms of size.
Be honest to yourself and recognize that there is a way out of this.
You have to do something for yourself, the best thing would be to make yourself happy and the rest will take care of itself.
Dont give up. I believe in you.0
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