Dating a morbidly obese person....

allifantastical
allifantastical Posts: 946 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok, I've been single for about 6 months and recently, an old acquaintance from high school told me I should really start talking to her friend, we will call him Jim. She says he is her best friend, that he is the sweetest guy ever and that alot of girls won't talk to them because they are shallow because he is a big boy but he treats the person he is with like a queen. Now generally, all the men I have dated have been "big boys" I prefer a bigger man. So I didn't really think anything of it, and who am I to judge? I weigh 308 lbs....

So I thought, what is there to lose and him and I started texting each other. Him and I have a TON of stuff in common and I can tell that he is a super sweet guy. (after dating complete @ssholes it was very refreshing) We became friends on facebook and he is not what I expected. He weighs I would guess around 500 lbs. He has a really cute face (haven't we all heard that one before, i feel ashamed for saying it), . I asked my friend from high school if he was trying to lose weight or get healthy and she said he was not and she was worried about his health.

I want to state that I am far from a superficial person, but I do worry about getting involved with him, especially at the point I am in my life, trying to get healthy and lose this weight. I feel like he might be hinder to my success. I know I must have self control and be around people that eat unhealthy things and still make the right choice, but it would definitely make it harder. Also, when I get to a healthy weight, I want to go out and do all the things I couldn't do, like roller coasters, and vacations and I want someone who can share that with me.

Another thing I thought of is that perhaps if him and I started talking more, he might see the changes I have made and want to get involved in trying to work out, but I know to not hold my breath. People have to make their own decision on when the right time is for them to make a change and get to where they want to be. But I would much rather date a heavy nice guy, than a mean skinny guy any day.

I need advice!
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Replies

  • knjitters
    knjitters Posts: 36 Member
    hmm.. I would just be honest from the beginning (with out making it seem like you are saying it to make a point to him) just that you recentaly took a new look at life and how you want to live it.. etc etc etc.. You never know...... you may be the push he has needed in his life!
    Cant hurt to try or at the least have a new good friend! :-)
  • Chief_Rocka
    Chief_Rocka Posts: 4,710 Member
    Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?
  • allifantastical
    allifantastical Posts: 946 Member
    Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?

    Thanks for the great advice! lol
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    Hmmm... So...you like him? I don't believe that getting to know him/being his friend/dating would hinder your progress, sweetie. I see you working it on here and you are doing great!

    How could he hinder you? He will not make you eat things you don't want to eat. He will not tell you that you shouldn't exercise. He won't say "Don't log your food!"

    Would he?

    I don't think that anything will stop you. I do think that you might inspire him. But make sure that if you are going to get involved that you would be content with him being just the person he is right now...
  • katcunock
    katcunock Posts: 664 Member
    ouch poor you, tough situation

    there is also the added worry that you fall in love and lose him down the line because of health issues.

    i'd try being open with him about what you are doing, and guaging where you go next from his reaction to the way you are living your life now. If he scoffs and isn't interested, it's probably worth not getting involved. if he's open to it and wants to get involved, or at least support you, there may be something there :)
  • 00Melyanna00
    00Melyanna00 Posts: 221 Member
    Have you already told him that you are actually trying to lose weight and that you plan to do all those things you weren't able to do before?
    It might be a good idea to have his opinion on the subject.
    I do agree though that starting a relationship already planning to change the other person isn't a good thing.
    What is perfectly fine, though, is talk to him about your journey and explain that you would like to have a supportive person beside you, keeping on mind that he can be supportive even without changing his way of living.
  • Erienneb
    Erienneb Posts: 592 Member
    It's not shallow because you're concerned from a health standpoint. You're changing your life and health and fitness and it's compeltely reasonable to not get involved with someone that doesn't feel the same way. Since you're not already dating, there's nothing wrong with backing away and focusing on yourself. I would just tell him that you've undergone major changes in your diet, activity level, and overall health and since it's still a work in progress, you need to continue to focus on your own well being before bringing another person into it, but that you know the person you want in your life will also have to be working towards a healthy goal. If he's not what you want right now, then don't date him.
  • Miss_dannii
    Miss_dannii Posts: 1,351 Member
    As somebody who has lost their other half, if I were you I wouldn't date him. I would worry about him killing himself because of his weight and his lack of wanting to get healthy. In my eyes I'd be afraid of falling head over heels and then losing him to a heart attack. That's just me, and it's nothing against the guy.
  • Stac2004
    Stac2004 Posts: 88 Member
    Hi there. I agree with knjitters, that was exactly my first thought. Just be upfront about what you are going through now. Maybe he really wants to lose weight, but thinks it is a lost cause and needs support. It could be the start of something great, especially given you guys have a lot in common already. Wishing you all the best.
  • Surfrider
    Surfrider Posts: 364 Member
    Agree with Fire_Rock. Going straight in with the mindset of "changing him" is not a good thing at all. Accept him for who he is or move on. You might motivate him to change his lifestyle, but that should be a bonus, not an expectation.
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
    He "might" follow your path, he might not. I wouldn't go into a relationship on the premise of thinking or hoping he would.

    Since he's not trying to get healthier, what if he continues to gain - two or three hundred more pounds - ends up bedridden or not very mobile? Are you going to devote your life to taking care of his needs at that point? Are you willing to take care of someone not willing to take care of themselves regardless of how nice he is or how well you get along?

    I don't think it's shallow to not be attracted to someone very heavy, very thin, based on hair color, etc. It's a matter of personal preference.
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
    Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?

    he has a point :)

    however dont we all do that to a certain extent? i think that you are on a great path to changing your life and lifestyle, and like with any other relationship you want a partner who'd be able to support you on this.

    in getting to know him, i think that you should share where you are at at this moment in time, and hear his ideas. he probably has tried to lose weight in the past.

    dont rush into a relationship but i dont think that you should immediately say no either. keep yourself open to what could happen, but also to other people.

    :flowerforyou:
  • nashbear
    nashbear Posts: 131 Member
    This is a really hard situation. Fire_rock is right. You cannot go into the situation wanting him to be smaller. As you said you like heavier guys, what if he got down to 15% body fat and looked like Fire_Rock? Would you not want to date him anymore? Just continue with being his friend. Ask him to do all the things that you want to do. If he wants to do it, then yeah. If he doesn't then the relationship will not happen. But you do have to accept him for the way that he is. At some point he may decide that your lifestyle is something that he can do. Just be a good example for him, tell him all the reasons that for you living a healthier lifestyle was the best choice. But let him make his own choices, do not try to force him to change. Good luck.
  • ninakir88
    ninakir88 Posts: 292 Member
    Maybe you can tell him about your recent life style change, and you never know, he might want to join in on the adventure.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
    hmm.. I would just be honest from the beginning (with out making it seem like you are saying it to make a point to him) just that you recentaly took a new look at life and how you want to live it.. etc etc etc.. You never know...... you may be the push he has needed in his life!
    Cant hurt to try or at the least have a new good friend! :-)

    ^^^ This.... just dont try to force anything....
  • LucyT4dieting
    LucyT4dieting Posts: 284 Member
    Why don't you just explain the way you feel to him? When you tell someone exactly how you feel, it can't hurt because they are YOUR feelings! I think you made your point quite well. Just tell it like it is, and best of luck to you!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I don't think a person gets to 300 or 500 pounds by having a healthy relationship with food. Just like two anorexcs (especially if one is just starting to get better and the other isn't even trying) will tend to fuel the unhealthy fire in each other, I would think it happens on the other end of the scale, as well.

    Or even two alcoholics.

    My advice is not to do this. Your own well-being is at stake and I doubt he will change just because you are changing.
  • plynn54
    plynn54 Posts: 912 Member
    If you really like him, Id tell him how you feel. You are trying to live a healty life style and you need to be with somone who can support that.
  • EmilyRanae22
    EmilyRanae22 Posts: 506 Member
    to quote Flight of the Concords "a kiss is not a contract" and on those lines, a date is not a contract. If you like him then a date or two can't hurt, you aren't agreeing to be his girlfriend or move in with him.

    Go out, enjoy yourself, and see how it goes. If his habits hinder your healthy lifestyle then just be friends, if he decides he wants to join you then fantastic you have a compadre
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?

    I agree with this, however I will say one thing. If you are honestly thinking about trying to make a go at dating him be honest about your reservations. It's not his weight that holds you back, it's your concern for his lifestyle. What do you want out of life? Do you want kids? Do you want longevity? Do you want a man who can roll around on the floor with his children and be active in their lives? Do you want a man who has a statistically better chance of being there when your kids have kids? At some point there's a good chance that the amount of weight we carry can keep us from the life we want to lead and the vision we have for ourselves. We all have habits that make us at risk of being unhealthy (for me it was smoking), and sometimes we have to give them up for our vision. Tell him your truth and let him make a decision.
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
    Seems pretty simple to me. Are you attracted to him?

    If he is too heavy for you to find attractive there's nothing wrong with that. Admitting it to yourself doesn't make you shallow it just makes you honest.
  • Allie_71
    Allie_71 Posts: 1,063 Member
    Agree with Fire_Rock. Going straight in with the mindset of "changing him" is not a good thing at all. Accept him for who he is or move on. You might motivate him to change his lifestyle, but that should be a bonus, not an expectation.

    Indeed.

    Also, do you like him? You've said that he's sweet, and treats girls that he's with like a queen, but how do you genuinely feel about him? You need to act on that, not speculation or worry about the future, or even how he treats you.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Hmmm... So...you like him? I don't believe that getting to know him/being his friend/dating would hinder your progress, sweetie. I see you working it on here and you are doing great!

    How could he hinder you? He will not make you eat things you don't want to eat. He will not tell you that you shouldn't exercise. He won't say "Don't log your food!"

    Would he?

    I don't think that anything will stop you. I do think that you might inspire him. But make sure that if you are going to get involved that you would be content with him being just the person he is right now...

    this!
  • WarriorReady
    WarriorReady Posts: 571 Member
    I think you brought up a very valid point. You do need to take care of you first and make yourself a priority. I agree with another poster that you need to be honest with him about your journey. If he doesn't seem to care or doesn't want to support you well at least you can cut your losses without really losing deadweight. Sorry if that seems harsh but you truly do need to consider yourself first. If you can't take care of you how are you going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. I am sure you will make the right decision for you. Best of luck, girl! :flowerforyou:
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
    Maybe lose weight together???
  • WVmom24
    WVmom24 Posts: 266 Member
    Something that took me many failed relationships to learn...there's no reason to pursue a relationship in any given amount of time. Just be friends with the guy for a good while. Maybe you can encourage him. The question of whether he would make a suitable boyfriend or not doesn't necessarily have to come up yet. Don't overthink it. :)
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    I used to be 240, after about 35 pounds of weight loss, I started dating a guy who was morbidly obese, and my weight loss stalled for the three years we were together. When we broke up, I started losing weight again. I'm not blaming him, I made my own decisions, but being with someone who constantly overate, who ate unhealthy things, and never wanted to move made it more difficult.

    Of course, now I'm married to a man with the metabolism of a grey-hound, which has its own issues--at least he wants to eat healthy, and follows my lead, even if he needs to eat far more than I do.
  • mojo75
    mojo75 Posts: 314 Member
    Just my two cents. I believe its better to surround yourself with positive motivational people when you are trying to accomplish a goal. If you mention to him you're trying to living a more healthy lifestyle and he has no interest in joining that then you might want to cut ties. The guy earlier that mentioned going into a relationship with intent on changing someone was DEAD ON RIGHT!!!! If he's not ready to change then you will be constantly banging your head against a wall. Lay it out on the table for him and then make your choice. Its not about being superficial its about doing what you need to be healthy and happy
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Just be honest with him. I'm sure you're not the first person to have these feelings towards him but you'd be one of many if you lied to him about why you were leery to engage in a relationship with him. Be honest from the get go. You have nothing to lose. Well, except more weight;)
  • sugarushlala
    sugarushlala Posts: 7 Member
    Wait a minute, she never said she wanted to "change" him. She is worried about BOTH their health. Darling, I recommend telling him abut your journey and how that has helped you. He might get the hint or might not. If you don't think he will do anything about it, I highly recommend just staying friends with him. That way he won't sabotage your success. Good luck. And he does sound like a good guy. ;)

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