Am I asking too much?
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Wonder how this story would sound if he were the one posting it.
just as bad. there are plenty of women who verbally abuse their husbands as well. both are detrimental to the kids involved.0 -
First, let me start with this...
YOU teach people how you wanted to be treated. You are allowing him to speak you to you in an unacceptable manner. Do you wish your daughter to speak like that? Or even worse, do you want your daughter to be spoken to like that? Think of it like this... would you want your daughter to date a man like her father? I can promise you the answer is no. First start by telling him if you speak to me like this again, I will leave. If you spoke to an employee like that enough they could sue you for harassment. I am not an employee, I am your wife and you will show me the respect I am entitled too because of all the work to make your life easier. If you don't stop then I will. No more breakfasts, lunches, or dinners whenever you expect it. No perfect house. I will take care of myself and my daughter and allow you to take care of yourself.
I'm a stay at home mom too. My husband works 12 hour days. He still has things he has to do at home. I don't nag, but I do ask. He knows I ask because it has to be done. He knows I enjoy cooking, but I enjoy it far less when there are tons of dishes to be done. So, what does he do? He does the dishes while I make dinner. That's because he loves and respects me and knows he gets more of what he wants and needs if some of my needs are taken care of by him.
I don't think it's true that he won't change. He will change if he's given the proper motivation and shown that his behavior no longer benefits him. For now, his behavior benefits him. He gets exactly what he wants now. The "reward" must outweigh the other option to try to act in a way to get it. Humans are animals and we're simple. We, of course, always want the reward and our behavior reflects that. Right now he gets everything he wants on a silver platter... why would he want that to change? Why would he want to work harder? Think about it.
You have done nothing wrong, but perhaps you're going about it the wrong way to get what you want. A lot of women want a nice home and we tend to put everyone else first to achieve it. That vision, that dream, is worth a lot to us. Obviously if you're on here, you've put some of your own needs to the side. He is putting your needs first. Perhaps it's time for you to put your need, and you child's, first.0 -
Been there, done that.
The person who said he's not going to change is right.
you have few options:
1- live with it.
2- stop cleaning the house and cooking him dinner and start teaching yourself to be handy so you can fix the toilet yourself (there are some good books out there)
3- try to have that conversation "this is what I do, this is what I need YOU to do" if he turns it into a self- loathing rant either ignore him and proceed or suggest he fix his self esteem and anger issues, grow the f--- up and act like and adult.
4- leave.
you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, in the end, you can probably do better, and do you really need this sh-t?
guys don't change. If they think bringing home the bacon entitles them to put their feet up and bark at you to get them a beer all weekend before you are married, that's what you will get after.
that said, In this case using the forum as a sounding board is probably a good thing. you need to also find ways to deal with your frustration if you choose to stay in the situation, and talking to friends who know both of you is not usually a good thing. But don;t expect an answer here, there isn't one, only more questions which only you can answer.
You Husband has issues that have nothing to do with you, and sometimes it's just not worth the work, but only you can make that choice.
good luck!
This is perfect...I couldn't have said it better myself. I was you up until 2 weeks ago. You described my husband to a tee (sp?). 2 weeks ago I packed my 2 little girls up and I left. All of a sudden he realizes that he loves me, blah, blah....
You have several options as listed in the quote above. Only you can make the decision....0 -
Sounds like HE has major self-esteem issues, and yells at you to deflect attention from himself.
You have a beautiful daughter with him, so I would think long and hard before leaving him.
I started reading "The Peoplemakers" by Virginia Satir which is a terrific book on how to make a loving family environment. However, it is very very difficult to change yourself, and impossible to change someone else. If counselling is an option, that would definitely be my first choice. Even if he won't go with you, you would get a lot out of it going by yourself.0 -
Hire someone to do the work. 1. The work gets done. 2. He sees that his hard earned money goes out the door in trade for being a couch potato. 3. You quit talking about it. See how that works. What have you got to lose.0
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A great deal changes when a man becomes a parent.
Some guys take to it really wonderfully and some of us, well, some of us just wonder what the heck happened. We are no longer number one, we suddenly have no cash in our pocket, with all of the available funds being spent on your partners new obsession. We have no life outside of work and the escapism of the TV....
It really, truly becomes unlivable, in some ways I suspect that he realizes that if he does go out and bust his balls fixing a roof, he will see none of that $1000 and worse, you are pushing him to do it.
Then there is the physical changes, when women have babies, well, they change, they get bigger and they dress like momies, not like the younger, flirty, FUN girl that you marry. Remember the one with the skin tight jeans that you played pool with ?
It is impossible to explain it all, but it sounds to me like he is jealous and probably feels that his only role is to make money to spend on the object of his jealousy.
Oh and yes, counseling is my suggestion too
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No, I don't think you're asking too much.
No need to play games by "going on strike". And I wouldn't bother showing him this thread so he can see what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of his asshattery. The only opinion he should care about is yours.
My approach would be more direct. If he is not taking care of household repairs and you are not equipped to do them, I would hire someone who will. Easy peasy.
I am more horrified by the way he speaks to you though. I would have nipped that in the bud a long time ago.0 -
Sorry I can't say anything nice.. he sounds lazy, verbally abusive and immature.
And it sounds like you're overcompensating with your work around the house to keep his abusive backlash at a minimum.
I think you're doing too much and he isn't doing enough.0 -
I would sit around and do nothing. wait for him to start asking questions. Then you can tell him when I have a F in second. I know it's not the right way but he should not talk to you that way.0
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Call a repair man. That'll get his attention.0
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You most certainly are NOT asking too much, honey! Wow. Your husband sounds like an abusive piece of *kitten*. I'm sorry, there is no nicer way I can say it. He sounds selfish, lazy, and very, very mean.
This is not meant to brag on my own marriage, but rather to give you a frame of reference: my husband would never...NEVER E E E E E E E V E R speak to me like that, cussing me out and telling me to shut the F up. And I never speak to him that way, either. That is just plain cruel and abusive, and there is NEVER a good excuse or appropriate time to speak to your spouse like that.
I am glad to hear he is a hard working guy and allows you to stay at home with the baby. But he needs to realize that he works 8 hours a day, and you work 24. No one job is of less value than the other, they are equally important. He gets to come home every night and relax? When is YOUR downtime? And then he has the nerve to scream profanities at you in front of your child? There is a BIG problem here.
Something needs to change, this is not going to get better on it's own. I suggest some serious marriage counseling to get him to come to terms with this blatant ingratitude and disrespect he consistently shows toward you.0 -
Yeah, sorry OP I really couldn't get through your entire post because of this. Nobody deserves to be talk to in this manner, he is really being disrespectful. Action starts in the mind, manifests as words, then becomes actions. It worries me because he is demeaning you and marginalizing your work. Staying at home is an admirable job, but this is why a lot of women shy away from it (it is undervalued).On a side note, I am pretty horrified at the way he speaks to you.
My boyfriend of 3 years never spoke to me like this once. It is unacceptable in my opinion.
And no, you're not asking too much. I just think he's lazy.
So to answer your question. I think you should address this one thing at a time. First address the language he is using because you cannot talk rationally with someone who his abusing you with language. Then try to sit down with him and make a list of exactly what both of you do every day. For you that means writing down the various tasks, how long they take, and what it would cost to hire someone to do it. You might find that you can hire some things out to lessen the the burden on one of both of you. If you approach your division of labor like a business neither one of you can feel like you are doing more than the other because there it will be in black and white. This will also give you an idea of whether it is unreasonable to expect him to do more (same for him to you). After you figure out what you do (including time and labor costs) then I would work on relationship expectations and goals.
Good luck.0 -
No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.
This makes the most sense ^^^^ I am in the same boat as you, but as soon as I say no to his requests, no to him asking help...guess what? Oh he gets mad, but he now knows it works both ways, I am no one's skivvie...I ignore the stuff he doesn't do and just do it myself or get help (oh this makes him really mad too) from somewhere else. When the shoe is on the other foot and all that...0 -
Listen, I understand why you felt the need to preface your post with conditions of acceptable replies, but you have to know that your situation is going to elicit some strong emotions from some of us. That being said, I refuse to sugarcoat my opinion.
You married a manchild. He is an immature, abusive a-hole. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. You, for whatever reason, view his monitary contribution to the household as more valuable than your role as a SAHM. He feels entitled to act any way he wants because he also believes his 8-5 job is more important. Guess what, dude? Grow the hell up! My husband not only works an 8-5 job, but also has a second job. He does whatever it takes to support his family. I admire and respect the crap out of that guy...but I would expect nothing less from a life partner. This parenting gig is a 50/50 deal. You need to ask yourself why you feel you deserve less.
*HUGE hug*0 -
If you talk to him the way he talks to you, dropping the f-bomb toward one another and criticizing, then both of you learning about healthy communication is in order. If it's one way, you need to decide what your limits are and how you are going to set them and what you will do if he can't live with those limits. I was too distracted by the way he responds to you to pay much attention to the other problems. Those are real problems, but if you can't talk to him without getting sworn at (or if you can't talk to each other without swearing at each other), you won't be able to have a healthy conversation about problems.0
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I think you already know the answer to the problem your asking. Ive read some of the posts and he is being disrespectful to you, but we don't know his side. Get some marriage and family counseling.0
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Thanks for the advice everyone. To the ones who said about wanting my daughter treated that way, your right...no way in hell! When I did set down and talk to him about these things, I mentioned those things. A daughter will grow up to seek a man like there father, she will probably pick up his behavior and attitude, would he want a man treating her this way, would he want his daughter to say F you to him...etc... It didnt help...like i said he just got the attitude that I was belittling him and calling him a horrible husband and father.
Yes he has good benefits...but it doesnt cover marriage counceling unfortunatley. It covers single counclening (with a 20 copay) which I dont get. We cant afford 100 out of pocket each week for counceling. Looked into it already...thats the cost! And I wish we could afford to hire someone to fix things around here! At least I wouldnt have to hear him complain anymore...but we cant afford to hire someone to fix things and I dont feel we should have to hire someone to fix things he is capable of fixing.
I do need to do something...Ive tried the whole not doing anything before...it didnt work. He doesnt give a crap. He has no respect for anything we own. He took his perfectly good truck and has it ruined. The inside is filthy and fallin apart the outside has dents and scrapes everywhere...becasue he wont maintain it, it has alot of little problems wrong now that would cost over 1000 to fix everything, but if he would fix them as they happened it wouldnt be that bad. He just doesnt have respect for anything period...
That sounds bad when I openly admit all this stuff...He has been married twice before...the first one lasted 1 year...and he said it was because he married young (22) and she already had 2 kids...and his family even said what a B she was...so I didnt think anything of that divorce...then the second one well...I didnt find out a whole lot about the second one, they were friends when I met him so I figured it was just a difference of opinion and they split amicably etc...well I found out alot about that marriage over the years that if I would have found out before we married I wouldnt have married him. We have been married 5 years now... Of course things were different before we got married. Like I said, we lived in an apt so I didnt know about the complete laziness...and he never spoke to me teh way he does now...probably becasue I never had to ask him to do anything and he didnt have to have any responsibility. I wish I would have known what would happen when responsibilities were thrown at him before I married him...
I do need to do something, but I dont know what. I dont have any family where I live...they all live out of state 4 hours away. If i left him I would have to move in with a family member, but I cant move that far away with his child...the court would make me stay in the state he lives because we have a child. I dont have anybody in this state...nobody litterally. I dont know where I would go, I cant afford to get my own place even if I did have a job. I dont know where ot even start...0 -
Sorry, but ...One more thing to think about, if he talks to you like that and disrespects you constantly, your daughter will grow up disrespecting you too.
YES...and Ive told him this before. But again, he thinks im putting him down and telling him hes a horrible husband and father. I dont know how else to word things with him to make him not think that!
There may not be any way to word things so he doesn't think that, because he may be aware that he is *being* a pretty terrible husband and father. I know he's still your sweetheart, but he's not handling the rest of the job.
Speaking of jobs, is there anything you could to to bring in a little money -- for the house and for your rainy-day fund? Maybe something non-threatening, like Avon?
Don't worry about baby's Christmas. All the kid needs at this age is you and some twinkly lights. Until school, one good toy and some new clothes and a little candy should be fine.0 -
Also...to answer one post, im not perfect. No you dont know his side, i agree there is always two sides to the story. I always always try my best to talk polite to him...I try not to yell or cuss, even before our child, but especially because of her now. Most of the time now I just shut up because i dont want to provoke him into more yelling in front of our daughter. Every once in a while I will get completley fed up and and yell...but I really have to be pushed to the max for that. Like when he punches a hole in the wall...yeah then I yell! Im not perfect but I try my best to be a good wife and mother.
To the guy who said women change when they have babies, there bodies there clothing etc and men dont like that.....thats a very arrogant egotistical point of view. If a man doesnt want his wifes body to change then he plain and simple needs to tell her so, and tell her he doesnt want a baby! But my husband was the one asking for a baby...and I even DID tell him...you know everything changes including my body...he knew and he said he didnt care. As for dressing...he didnt like it if I dressed in sexy clothes before...he said he didnt want other men eyeing up his wife, my body is for him to see. And most days I still dress nice, mostly for myself So I can feel good about myself. And the reason im on here is to lose the pregnancy weight so Im not fat and unnattractive.0 -
On a side note, I am pretty horrified at the way he speaks to you.
My boyfriend of 3 years never spoke to me like this once. It is unacceptable in my opinion.
And no, you're not asking too much. I just think he's lazy.
This about sums it up perfectly.0 -
You can call counselors and ask if they are willing to provide individual counseling with the partner being involved. You work on the issues of the main client but include the spouse and how it affects the relationship.
If he is doing things like punching holes in the walls, I hope he would consider going to get some of that individual counseling. If he won't, again, you probably need to evaluate your limits.0 -
Also...to answer one post, im not perfect. No you dont know his side, i agree there is always two sides to the story. I always always try my best to talk polite to him...I try not to yell or cuss, even before our child, but especially because of her now. Most of the time now I just shut up because i dont want to provoke him into more yelling in front of our daughter. Every once in a while I will get completley fed up and and yell...but I really have to be pushed to the max for that. Like when he punches a hole in the wall...yeah then I yell! Im not perfect but I try my best to be a good wife and mother.
To the guy who said women change when they have babies, there bodies there clothing etc and men dont like that.....thats a very arrogant egotistical point of view. If a man doesnt want his wifes body to change then he plain and simple needs to tell her so, and tell her he doesnt want a baby! But my husband was the one asking for a baby...and I even DID tell him...you know everything changes including my body...he knew and he said he didnt care. As for dressing...he didnt like it if I dressed in sexy clothes before...he said he didnt want other men eyeing up his wife, my body is for him to see. And most days I still dress nice, mostly for myself So I can feel good about myself. And the reason im on here is to lose the pregnancy weight so Im not fat and unnattractive.
re-read the bolded part above. he's a jerk and he's close to becoming physically abusive. get out. get a divorce. you will continue to live in misery until you do. not all guys are like your husband. in fact, most are not. the fact that you are reaching out to strangers for advice for fearing of telling your family and having them know just how much your life has become hell, should speak volumes about your situation. think about it. it's not rocket science. you made a mistake getting together with him. are you going to live in fear and misery for the rest of your life because of that mistake?
you might not want to read what i just wrote, but that's my conclusion based on the facts you've presented. one stranger to another. oh, and i'm a guy too. there's a difference between being a normal guy and losing your temper once in blue moon and being an abusive *kitten*. i'll let you guess which one your husband is.0 -
Unfortunately hun he isn't going to change. My husband is the same tbh. I do everything in this house and he does nothing but sit and play video games all day or play on his computer. I do all the chores and shopping (he sometimes tags along, but usually expects something in return). If i ask him to do something he always forgets, it's gotten to the point now that i don't bother. I know he'll forget so i just do it myself. He also has an awful habit of spending all his money, not paying the bills and then expecting me to bail him out when we get something cut off or his mom. I've even given him ultimatums for stuff because it was getting stupid, but i always get the response 'well i am trying' yeah trying my patience!
Unfortunately the only option is to talk to him, leave him or maybe try a family counsellor or something. But he definitely shouldn't be speaking to you like that, especially acting like that in front of your child.0 -
Many say he won't change and that is probably the case. But there are exceptions and if he really loves and respects you, then he will try to change. He needs to really listen to what you're saying to him. Right now it looks like he is lazy, disrespectful and not too much into communication, three serious no-no's for a relationship. You need to get him to sit down so you two can have a serious conversation. IMO Good luck0
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All I can say is at least he works. I personally don't think you are asking for too much. Maybe if you can get him to sit down and talk to you about what is going on things will get better in that aspect. If not, maybe you should stop doing so much for him. I don't get up to make his breakfast or pack his lunch. I am sure you eat the same dinner so that would be taken care of. Give him a taste of his own medicine and maybe that would work. Good luck0
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I haven't read all of the replies, but what is concerning is the way he speaks to you. Whether you want to to think so or not, this is abusive. I mean- this isn't going to stop as your daughter gets older and able to understand him. You know this, right? I hope you want more for her than that? (I have a daughter, and ended a marriage to someone I loved, so speaking from experience)
I mean, there's a reason that you are worried about people you know forming a bad opinion of him. It's because it would be totally deserved. Stop making excuses for him. I know it's easy to say, but you can't change him. It's not up to you, and it sounds like he isn't interested.0 -
You can't change him, you can only change yourself. Go get counseling for YOURSELF. You said its only $20 copay. Yes, $20 is alot of $$$. And there are no guarantees that you are going to find a good therapist, but at least you are making a step in the right direction to take care of yourself.
I have been married. Have 2 beautiful kids. Their father is not a bad person in many ways, so I can relate to some of the things you are saying.
The only thing you can do is learn about yourself and take care of yourself. You are beginning by losing weight. That is a big victory. You have a lovely baby...motivation.
Going to take time and effort to learn why you are in the position you are in and your contribution to it and how to get things to change. Start by going to library, getting books and educating yourself. Not everyone is going to have an answer for you. But the situation you are in is NOT healthy.
I do understand not having family nearby. I didn't have any family closer than 1300 miles, so having help with kids was not easy.
There are answers but only you can discover them. Keep going forward and don't let excuses get in your way.
Start reading and learning bout yourself and get counseling for you. Only thru understanding will you be able to make positive actions. Looking back there are many mistakes I made thru haste. Wish I had considered things thru more carefully, etc.
You can do this, just going to take time. Who knows by you stepping up the to plate, making positive changes in you, he made decide. Hey, I want what she has and start making good choices for his actions? Leaving is just one option. Maybe not the best one.
Blessings..0 -
My first husband was the same way. He would get angry about something and not talk to me for 3 or 4 days sometimes. He came home from Vietnam with PTSD BIG TIME. Was your husband in the service??? I don't blame my ex for the way he was. He had good days and bad days. I thought I could love him through it. The difference here is that had couldn't hold down a job for more than 3 days before fighting with someone and getting fired, or quit. I was the bread winner in the household. All he did all day was clean his guns and reload ammo, so we could go skeet shooting or plinking in the hills. Your husband needs help from a PTSD councillor, wheather he was in the service or not. This can come from family of origin issues, sexual abuse, or any number of causes. I really can relate to the pain you are dealing with. I finally left my husband in fear of my sons life as well as my own. I am not suggesting you devorce, that was just my only out. He has been working with the VA and is dealing with SOME of his wartime issues. He never remarried, is a loner and will always live that way.0
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Also...to answer one post, im not perfect. No you dont know his side, i agree there is always two sides to the story. I always always try my best to talk polite to him...I try not to yell or cuss, even before our child, but especially because of her now. Most of the time now I just shut up because i dont want to provoke him into more yelling in front of our daughter. Every once in a while I will get completley fed up and and yell...but I really have to be pushed to the max for that. Like when he punches a hole in the wall...yeah then I yell! Im not perfect but I try my best to be a good wife and mother.
To the guy who said women change when they have babies, there bodies there clothing etc and men dont like that.....thats a very arrogant egotistical point of view. If a man doesnt want his wifes body to change then he plain and simple needs to tell her so, and tell her he doesnt want a baby! But my husband was the one asking for a baby...and I even DID tell him...you know everything changes including my body...he knew and he said he didnt care. As for dressing...he didnt like it if I dressed in sexy clothes before...he said he didnt want other men eyeing up his wife, my body is for him to see. And most days I still dress nice, mostly for myself So I can feel good about myself. And the reason im on here is to lose the pregnancy weight so Im not fat and unnattractive.
re-read the bolded part above. he's a jerk and he's close to becoming physically abusive. get out. get a divorce. you will continue to live in misery until you do. not all guys are like your husband. in fact, most are not. the fact that you are reaching out to strangers for advice for fearing of telling your family and having them know just how much your life has become hell, should speak volumes about your situation. think about it. it's not rocket science. you made a mistake getting together with him. are you going to live in fear and misery for the rest of your life because of that mistake?
you might not want to read what i just wrote, but that's my conclusion based on the facts you've presented. one stranger to another. oh, and i'm a guy too. there's a difference between being a normal guy and losing your temper once in blue moon and being an abusive *kitten*. i'll let you guess which one your husband is.
Wow, yes please consider leaving!
DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner .
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS:
A pattern of behaviors including a variety of tactics - some physically injurious and some not, some criminal and some not - carried out in multiple, sometimes daily episodes.
A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion.
A combination of physical force and terror used by the perpetrator that causes physical and psychological harm to the victim and children.
A pattern of purposeful behavior, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim.
Behaviors perpetrated by adults or adolescents against their intimate partner in current or former dating, married or cohabiting relationships of heterosexuals, gays and lesbians.
Prepared by Anne L. Ganley, Ph.D. for the Family Violence Prevention Fund
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.
Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.
Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.
Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
Intimate partner violence a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.0 -
All I can say is at least he works. I personally don't think you are asking for too much. Maybe if you can get him to sit down and talk to you about what is going on things will get better in that aspect. If not, maybe you should stop doing so much for him. I don't get up to make his breakfast or pack his lunch. I am sure you eat the same dinner so that would be taken care of. Give him a taste of his own medicine and maybe that would work. Good luck
Actually...I cook 2 seperate dinners. Hes healthy and doesnt need to diet and has no interest in healthy foods. So I cook him his dinner and me my healthy dinner.0
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