Am I asking too much?

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  • LizRobot
    LizRobot Posts: 19
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    First off, he is verbally abusing you and that is unacceptable.

    Secondly, my friend has a deal with her husband. She asks him to do something (ie some project, etc) and he has three weeks of no nagging to get it done. If he doesn't get it done, then she finds a way to get it done, like hiring someone.
    However, this is not your real problem. Your real problem is that your husband is being abusive. You both need help, and if he is not willing to seek help, then I would seriously consider leaving. That is not setting a good example for your child. Ask yourself what you would tell your daughter if she came to you and told you that her husband was treating her like this.
    Best of luck to you.
  • Aviva92
    Aviva92 Posts: 2,333 Member
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    I really think you should leave him. I'm not sure how someone would go about doing that when you don't have family in the area though.
  • stshelleyb
    stshelleyb Posts: 13
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    Never, ever put up with or make exceptions for a man who uses the F word at you. It's disrespectful, low-class, and shows he's not a gentlemen. You deserve better.
  • PibblesRun
    PibblesRun Posts: 236 Member
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    My first husband was the same way. He would get angry about something and not talk to me for 3 or 4 days sometimes. He came home from Vietnam with PTSD BIG TIME. Was your husband in the service??? I don't blame my ex for the way he was. He had good days and bad days. I thought I could love him through it. The difference here is that had couldn't hold down a job for more than 3 days before fighting with someone and getting fired, or quit. I was the bread winner in the household. All he did all day was clean his guns and reload ammo, so we could go skeet shooting or plinking in the hills. Your husband needs help from a PTSD councillor, wheather he was in the service or not. This can come from family of origin issues, sexual abuse, or any number of causes. I really can relate to the pain you are dealing with. I finally left my husband in fear of my sons life as well as my own. I am not suggesting you devorce, that was just my only out. He has been working with the VA and is dealing with SOME of his wartime issues. He never remarried, is a loner and will always live that way.

    He was in the navy when he was young...right out of high school...and got kicked out at his 3rd year, because he slept with his (pardon me I dont know the correct term other than superior) slept with is wife. Yeah, I didnt know that until his mother told me after we were married a year and she was half drunk one night and thought it would be funny to tell me!

    I do know why he acts this way...at least im almost positive. His mother is a royal B word! She brags that she would let them scream and cry when they were little because they were "screamers" and she couldnt stand hearing it so seh went out side and shut them in the house. She used to take them to bars with her when they were little so she could get drunk! (this was allowed when they were young apparently) I never knew this stuff because he never talked about his childhood. Then when his brothers wife and I got close she would tell me these things. Because her husband talks to her about the way they grew up. He doesnt think anythings wrong with him because this is the way he grew up. His mom cussin gand screaming at them constantly, calling them names etc etc...He refuses counceling because "if I wouldnt make him mad he wouldnt yell and cuss" So its my fault and theres nothing wrong with him.

    Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.
  • SLRamirez2012
    SLRamirez2012 Posts: 297
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    He's not going to change. I bet he is the exact same guy that you married before your baby, but now that with the added responsiblity, he resents the fact that he has to step up. Stop nagging him, stop telling him what to do, see if he steps up and if he does not then start thinking about an exit plan.
    ^this. I totally agree
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
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    I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

    If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

    THIS.

    I was very clear with my husband before we got married... this is a PARTNERSHIP and we do things together and equally. If one of us isn't pulling weight, the other has a right to say something. And if my husband ever spoke to me the way yours does to you (and my father did to my mother, incidentally), he'd be sleeping in the yard.
  • ErinGBragh
    ErinGBragh Posts: 183 Member
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    I do need to do something, but I dont know what. I dont have any family where I live...they all live out of state 4 hours away. If i left him I would have to move in with a family member, but I cant move that far away with his child...the court would make me stay in the state he lives because we have a child. I dont have anybody in this state...nobody litterally. I dont know where I would go, I cant afford to get my own place even if I did have a job. I dont know where ot even start...

    I'm no lawyer, but I would still try this option of moving in with family. Being lazy, he may not even try to make you bring your child back. Even if he did, you may have a good case due to his abuse. Take pictures of the holes he's punched in the walls. If you have any messages on your phone that he's left that are abusive, keep those. And I don't know if this is legal, but maybe you can even somehow tape the way he yells at you. Either way, start gathering evidence of his abuse. Also, maybe you could call an abuse hotline for help in how to deal with this. It IS abuse.
  • Shange_Gully
    Shange_Gully Posts: 106
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    sounds like you married a prick
  • JacksMom12
    JacksMom12 Posts: 1,044 Member
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    I feel the same way. My husband is a total douche canoe most of the time. I take care of our 17 mo old, keep up with the house (except repairs because we rent) I do all the shopping, laundry, cooking AND I work 35 hours a week. My mom helps with my son so that I can work but I am EXHAUSTED! My husband works about the same as I do but god forbid I ask him to play with or feed/ bathe our son so I can have a second to myself. I'm working on my exit strategy but it's not as simple as people may think. Good luck!
  • VanessaHeartsMasr
    VanessaHeartsMasr Posts: 727
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    I agree. He should NOT be speaking to you in that manner. It's verbal abuse, plain and simple. Ultimatum time, I think.

    As far as your problem with him not helping out, when my husband does that to me, I will wait until he is home and around me, quietly get the tools, and attempt to fix the problem myself, right in front of him. It really bruises his ego and he jumps right up to take over whatever I'm doing. As far as the side jobs go, maybe you could mention to him that you are planning on getting a part-time job yourself. You can be darn sure that would get him thinking at least.
  • MommiLauren
    MommiLauren Posts: 323 Member
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    i know what you mean. im in the SAME situation as you and it only gets worse. you need to do what is best for you and your baby.
  • katy84o
    katy84o Posts: 744 Member
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    On a side note, I am pretty horrified at the way he speaks to you.

    My boyfriend of 3 years never spoke to me like this once. It is unacceptable in my opinion.

    And no, you're not asking too much. I just think he's lazy.

    Exactly what I was going to say. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. And never once has he spoke so nasty towards me. Yes we've cursed at each other, but never so rudely.

    And yeah, he's just being lazy. My boyfriend is a bit lazy to when it comes to house work. He goes to school and work, both full time, but when I ask him if he will do something, he does it. And if he forgets and I mention it again, it's always oh **** I forgot, I'll do it now. Or give me a minute I'll get it done. Your husband needs to share the responsibility of the house hold. Working a 9-5, and he's just oh so tired. Give me a break! Thousands of people do that and more everyday. He needs to get over himself.

    Oh and next time he's not being MR. Fix-it. Call someone up, and have them come give you an estimate. Make sure they come over on the weekend while he's there. When he gets all pissy (i'm sure he will) about you paying someone else to do it. Just tell him, well you always complain about being to tired, and I've asked you several times to do it, so I'm taking matters into my own hands since you aren't helping.
  • Redbird99ky
    Redbird99ky Posts: 305 Member
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    One more thing to think about, if he talks to you like that and disrespects you constantly, your daughter will grow up disrespecting you too.

    YES...and Ive told him this before. But again, he thinks im putting him down and telling him hes a horrible husband and father. I dont know how else to word things with him to make him not think that!

    I'm probably going to raise a few hackles with my comments, but you see, he IS being a horrible husband and father. He just doesn't see it...

    I read through the comments to this point and stopped to comment. I don't think I need to read any further. You are not married to a man, you are married to a little boy.

    You aren't his wife. You are his mom, his maid, his daughter's babysitter ...and his "plaything" (call girl, hooker, concubine, what have you) ... but you aren't his wife.

    I would suggest having "the talk" with him. Turn off the TV. Sit knees to knees with him, and take his hands in yours. Tell him how much you love and appreciate him. Then let him know what you're feeling about the miscellaneous chores and things such as that. Explain to him that on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being most important to you, this is a 20! Let him know that you need help with certain things around the house, such as the miscellaneous fix-its and such. I would also say, IMHO, that he needs to be part of the budget process, too. Just bringing home the bacon doesn't absolve him of the remaining household responsibilities.

    Real MEN take care of the necessary repairs in their house
    Real MEN don't curse at their wives (or anyone else, for that matter)
    Real MEN don't act like spoiled little boys when they're asked to do something.
    Real MEN cook.
    Real MEN clean.
    Real MEN take care of their daughters, too.
    Real MEN are a part of the household, they don't just kill something and drag it home.
    Real MEN pray WITH their wives.
    Real MEN treat EVERYONE with love and respect.

    The person you are married to is NOT a REAL MAN. He is a spoiled little boy. If you are members of a good church, I would suggest getting in to see your pastor for some counseling. If it's just you, then do some one-on-one with your pastor. If it's neither, then find a good professional, OR consider finding a good church.

    As far as the household repairs, I would consider giving him a month. If he doesn't get it done by then, hire a contractor and get it done.

    That's my two cents.

    I'll be praying for you, your daughter, and the person you married. Peace be with you, and may God bless you.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    Your husband is seriously ****ing lazy.
  • Perfectdiamonds1
    Perfectdiamonds1 Posts: 347 Member
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    He does not repect you. You, yes you need your own. Get a job. I'm not being mean, but you need to have you own. Wonder if he up and leave or worst, what are your plans in life. Never depend on someone else for your survival. Get a job!!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    Been there, done that.
    The person who said he's not going to change is right.
    you have few options:
    1- live with it.
    2- stop cleaning the house and cooking him dinner and start teaching yourself to be handy so you can fix the toilet yourself (there are some good books out there)
    3- try to have that conversation "this is what I do, this is what I need YOU to do" if he turns it into a self- loathing rant either ignore him and proceed or suggest he fix his self esteem and anger issues, grow the f--- up and act like and adult.
    4- leave.

    you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, in the end, you can probably do better, and do you really need this sh-t?

    guys don't change. If they think bringing home the bacon entitles them to put their feet up and bark at you to get them a beer all weekend before you are married, that's what you will get after.

    that said, In this case using the forum as a sounding board is probably a good thing. you need to also find ways to deal with your frustration if you choose to stay in the situation, and talking to friends who know both of you is not usually a good thing. But don;t expect an answer here, there isn't one, only more questions which only you can answer.
    You Husband has issues that have nothing to do with you, and sometimes it's just not worth the work, but only you can make that choice.

    good luck!

    I like #2. (make him cook for himself, he is a big boy)
    I am also FORRIFIED at how he talks to you. Does he use the 'F' word like that in front of your daugther? yikes, watch that be her first word :(

    Noone changes - men or women - so like the poster above you gotta pick what you are willing to deal with.
    You have already accepted there is a problem, you are posting here, now its just a matter of time before you are at the end of your rope. Been there done that, suffered for 8 years. AHHH the relief I have now!!!

    Good luck girl.
  • LizHowerton
    LizHowerton Posts: 329 Member
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    I think his tone is wrong.

    That being said, if you are looking for extra income, get a job.

    Either have him watch the child, and you work when he is home from work, or the two of you can split the cost of child care.

    This is a reality for many, many families.

    You can't MAKE him do anything. You can only change your actions.
  • healthyformeanMona
    healthyformeanMona Posts: 143 Member
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    This is verbal and emotional abuse--. Likely, he doesn't see anything wrong with how he is acting. Could get dangerous for you. A healthy relationship is safe. doesn't sound like you feel safe. And it is respectful. I think that showing him this would just make him angrier. Find out what domestic violence (what you described is a form of domestic violence) resources are available in your area. They are confidential and safe--and can help you make a plan, whatever you decide to do. Be safe, and like some of the others said, your child is learning that this is how to handle conflict, this is how couples act, this is how women are treated, this is the role of women, and this is how men treat women. Kids are sponges.
  • Fred4point0
    Fred4point0 Posts: 160 Member
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    You appear to be doing everything right. Not sure what else to tell ya but to be patient until he grows up.

    Try watching the movie "Fireproof".

    Then leave it around somewhere so that your husband can eventually watch it by himself.

    Follow the role model of the actors and wait until change comes.
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
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    Where's Dani when you need her?


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    Just break up....

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