He says i am settling for a fat guy....

virichi08
virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
in Chit-Chat
So i REALLY, REALLY REALLY REEEEEEEEEEALLY LIKE my boyfriend. We are new and I am learning to let go of some insecurities and not act out on them which of coarse has been working great. lol. BUT THE PROBLEM FOR HIIIIIM is that he is over weight. he is working on losing weight, which is fine, but he is SO insecure about his weight that i don't know what to say to him other than i GENUINELY LIKE HIM THE WAY HE IS, FOR WHO HE IS. I told him that if he loses weight great, if he does not STILL GREAT. But if i like a picture of some celeb on facebook who is in shape he gets offended and thinks that I do not want him or i am "settling" (his words not mine) with him. I keep telling him that his weight is not an issue to me and that if it was I would not have dated him in the first place. Him acting liking this makes me feel bad. Any suggestions on what to do..... (p.s. I am a very affectionate type of person when I like someone and weather we are alone, around friends, or in public, i am holding his hand or simply showing him and everyone else in the room that he is MINE.... so i know the problem is his insecurties.)


PPPPPSSS... PLEASE NO ONE READ SO DEEP INTO THIS THAT YOU MISS THE POINT: MY BF IS INSECURE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, I TELL HIM I LIKE HIM THE WAY HE IS, AND I SHOW HIM AFFECTION....BUT HE IS STILL INSECURE AND NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY TO HIM.....
«13

Replies

  • Windy_
    Windy_ Posts: 1,012 Member
    It's his problem, not yours. There's nothing you are going to be able to say or do to make it all better.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
    There's nothing you can really do or say other than what you have done already: tell him you love him for who he is and that you support him in his goals.

    The rest is down to him.

    You can't change someone - they have to do it themselves. You can only give them the inspiration to change.
  • Windy_
    Windy_ Posts: 1,012 Member
    There's nothing you can really do or say other than what you have done already: tell him you love him for who he is and that you support him in his goals.

    The rest is down to him.

    You can't change someone - they have to do it themselves. You can only give them the inspiration to change.

    Yeah, that's what I meant.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    Theres really no way you can make him less insecure. He has to do it on his own.

    Just keep giving him compliments and showing him affection.
  • Chief_Rocka
    Chief_Rocka Posts: 4,710 Member
    Tell him you'll leave him if he doesn't lose weight
  • sholtz79
    sholtz79 Posts: 48 Member
    There's nothing you can really do or say other than what you have done already: tell him you love him for who he is and that you support him in his goals.

    The rest is down to him.

    You can't change someone - they have to do it themselves. You can only give them the inspiration to change.

    Yeah, that's what I meant.

    Hahaha... yeah... me too :) haha...
  • SofaKingRad_
    SofaKingRad_ Posts: 276
    This is why I'm lucky to be a male. I'm fat and I have a hot and awesome wife. Sure I want to change my fatness, but the fact remains I still have a hot and awesome wife and I'm fat. :happy:
  • Jkmumma
    Jkmumma Posts: 254
    take the focus off the weight, thank him for the other awesome stuff he does, as a way of pointing it out without making it TOO direct.
  • d_Mode
    d_Mode Posts: 880 Member
    Definitely insecure...shower with him more!
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Your BF is not just insecure about his weight, he is insecure period. He needs to work on that or he will be annoying to be around his whole life, constantly doubting himself.

    You can't fix him, he has to work on it himself. Women can't change men, ever. They can't change anyone but themselves. You can't change anyone but yourself. So until he's ready, it will never change.
  • ademiter
    ademiter Posts: 176 Member
    My husband says the same thing to me as I am a very insecure person in general. He tells me I'm beautiful EVERY SINGLE day a few times a day and it drives him nuts that I just don't seem to get it. It's difficult to undo all the pain from the past and how we feel about ourselves. You can only be positive and complimentary, but that doesn't mean he's going to change how he feels about himself. His self-perception is something he's going to have to change on his own.
  • AckieJ
    AckieJ Posts: 199 Member
    Sounds like my husband. I lost almost 20lbs and he says he should lose weight or get healthy and doesnt. But when I like some fit guy or make a comment he says the same. What you told him is enough... if you didn't want to be with him you wouldn't. Bottom line.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
    Cheat on him with an even fatter guy
  • virichi08
    virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
    This is why I'm lucky to be a male. I'm fat and I have a hot and awesome wife. Sure I want to change my fatness, but the fact remains I still have a hot and awesome wife and I'm fat. :happy:

    lol. Thats how he talks about me, but when i go to compliment him or tell him how much i like him and everything, he gets all insecure about it.
  • virichi08
    virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
    Cheat on him with an even fatter guy

    guess that would show him huh, lol
  • alpine1994
    alpine1994 Posts: 1,915 Member
    I used to be this way before I lost weight. My boyfriend told me that he loves me no matter what my weight is and that he has always been attracted to me, etc. I didn't believe any of it because I would look in the mirror and think "how could anyone love THIS?" I had horrible body image issues. Honestly the only thing that helped was to lose weight. As I lose weight, I like my appearance more and I feel so much better in my own skin, which has only made our relationship 10000% better. I still have a hard time believing that he loved me back when I was overweight, but I remind myself that I would still love him and be attracted to him if he was overweight.

    So, unfortunately he might not ever truly believe you unless he loses weight and feels better about himself, or somehow otherwise gets over his image issues. I think you're doing the right thing by being affectionate with him and reminding him that you think he's attractive no matter what.
  • dinosnopro
    dinosnopro Posts: 2,177 Member
    Stop liking pictures of in shape male celebrities..I think that would help some.
  • virichi08
    virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
    Sounds like my husband. I lost almost 20lbs and he says he should lose weight or get healthy and doesnt. But when I like some fit guy or make a comment he says the same. What you told him is enough... if you didn't want to be with him you wouldn't. Bottom line.

    EXACTLY!!!! i feel that even after he has lost the weight, he won't thnk i really like him physically.
  • BritneysStuntDouble
    BritneysStuntDouble Posts: 849 Member
    This is why I'm lucky to be a male. I'm fat and I have a hot and awesome wife. Sure I want to change my fatness, but the fact remains I still have a hot and awesome wife and I'm fat. :happy:
    Fat guy with hot wife here too.

    I'm grateful that Doug Heffernan isn't the only one to have lucked out. Mmm... Carrie Heffernan. :love:

    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRzBMbQkPtvJc3WFQGz8gxr47LdOtvd-vTsjAZVUyqCVhE5qgcTBl_jgc6A
  • Ge0rgiana
    Ge0rgiana Posts: 1,649 Member
    That's so sad. :frown: I personally adore "fat" guys, but nothing kills attraction faster than lack of confidence. I hope he comes to terms with that.
  • MissyJessy
    MissyJessy Posts: 1,279 Member
    Cheat on him with an even fatter guy


    Best answer for the WIN

    I almost died....
  • Maddalen101
    Maddalen101 Posts: 307 Member
    If he can't get over his insecurities despite your love and affection, and keeps lashing out at you when you mention in passing that you think a particular celeb is attractive, you might want to think about the relationship. A man who hates himself as much as your BF seems to hate himself will only spill that self-hatred over to you in due time.
  • loztandfound
    loztandfound Posts: 73 Member
    show him this post.... :)
  • lgreen37
    lgreen37 Posts: 196 Member
    We all have insecurities - Our insecurities can turn into something that is not pleasant. Imagine yourself watching a football game - this hot dude walks across the screen (MOST OF THEM ARE) - you comment and the next thing you know, you are getting "cussed" out. You try and try and try to explain that you were just commenting on his good looks but you love him more. It will be a loosing battle. I'm not reading too deep into this - I'm reading the signs. We as women know how to love - we know what we want - it can look like a piece of crap and we will make it do what it do.......
    Personally - I would re-evaluate the relationship - not because he is fat - but because he is insecure and if he does not deal with it, YOU will. Insecurity will turn into jealousy and you will find yourself tip toeing around him.
    Ask me how I know? I've been in it and I've seen it.
    I thought that if I kept doing nice things, showing him how much I loved him - he would "catch" on and be cool - Didn't happen.
    I kept doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result - you know what I got? A shattered heart.........
    To me - it ain't worth it! I can do bad by myself until what I REALLY deserve comes along. How long? Not sure but I'm willing to take the risk of waiting.........
  • Skyfire23
    Skyfire23 Posts: 37
    You could have a talk with him about your feelings. Only you'd know how well that would go. Say something like, "I feel bad when you tell me I'm settling for you, because I love you and I don't feel I'm settling at all."

    And, if you like, you could also think about what triggers this self-deprecation and try to avoid doing that sort of thing. Commenting on hot celebrities is one that's obvious and fairly easy, but of course there may be others. The insecurity is his, and there's nothing you can do about it, but if you talk about it you can maybe avoid hurting each other by saying the wrong thing.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    Buy a copy of the Avengers on Blu Ray. Play it every time he whines about his insecurities. It'll shut him up pronto.
  • GuybrushThreepw00d
    GuybrushThreepw00d Posts: 784 Member
    Tell him you'll leave him if he doesn't lose weight

    Yeah, this.

    He can keep whining about it, or just get on with it.

    3695268_o.gif
  • jakidb
    jakidb Posts: 1,010 Member
    The only thing you can do is "love him". It sounds as if no matter what you say, he's convinced that he's not "good enough". Until he can address his "own" insecurities, he'll continue to feel the way he does. Don't allow it to hinder what you do or even hinder who you are. Just love him and let him work it out. :)
  • __F4t2f1t__
    __F4t2f1t__ Posts: 97
    Just bear with him and keep re-assuring him.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    sadly, I have to agree with everyone else... it's something he will have to deal with.

Categories