Has anyone else dealt with the unsupportive husband/wife?

Options
2

Replies

  • kcoftx
    kcoftx Posts: 765 Member
    Options
    I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.

    “It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” ~James Gordon

    I'm not saying this is an easy task, even for those who are ready, but it is important to note that this is your journey and not his. The key to will power is self determination.

    Showing up and eating your favorite foods is not a big deal but taunting would be. It may take an action to get him to see you are serious. Consider accepting the food and throwing it away. Or you could just go about your business and not engage. First, however, I would try a mature discussion during a time when it isn't an issue. First, however, you have to stop trying to force the lifestyle on him if you want the same respect back.

    Either way, you are in charge of your own journey. You aren't in charge of his and he doesn't control yours.
  • Doodlewhopper
    Doodlewhopper Posts: 1,018 Member
    Options
    I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.

    Grow a set gal. You know the answer. LOL
  • Doodlewhopper
    Doodlewhopper Posts: 1,018 Member
    Options
    You can always taunt him with something HE wants. And then doesn't get. Might be immature but it sounds like it might speak to him,..

    Now wait a minute! Let's not get too damn hasty....
  • SarahAFerguson
    SarahAFerguson Posts: 250 Member
    Options
    Hmmm, go out and buy yourself a really sexy piece of lingerie. Hang it up prominently where he can see it and inform him that you will put it on when you have lost X number of pounds or reached whatever size and not before. I expect he will become quite supportive of your efforts when he has some motivation. You will also have to be clear with him regarding the right ways for him to help you with your goal It would not be fair to expect him to never have any snacks in your presence, but perhaps he could limit the the type to not include your favourites.
  • DS04
    DS04 Posts: 48
    Options
    I kind of know what you are going through. Having the sweets in the house is tempting. I do my best to avoid them. Not that my wife is unsupportive, but anymore not helping with buying danishes and other things. But it is up to me to not eat them. I just have to stay focused. Now for him not to acknowledge that you lost weight is mean. Hopefully, he will see how hard you are trying and come around. Good luck to you!!
  • 165ordietrying
    165ordietrying Posts: 31 Member
    Options
    My husband is the same way that your husband is when it comes to bringing home all kinds of junk food, fast food, liquor etc. but I don't look at it as though he is trying to sabotage me. He is just doing what he has always done (since before I lost the extra weight). I am the one who went on the diet and decided to lose weight, I don't think that it would have been realistic for me to tell him to stop eating what he wants to eat or stop bringing it around because I am changing. I just had to develop more self control, which I did and everything worked out in the end.

    As far as him not mentioning your weight loss, maybe he really doesn't notice. It is hard for me to notice my own weight loss when I see myself everyday, it takes pictures to really tell the difference. I think a change in mindset on your part is all that may be needed.
  • Bethie_B
    Bethie_B Posts: 292 Member
    Options
    Well, from the other perspective, I *was* the unsupportive "wife". And it came from a place of insecurity, jealousy, and fear of change. Stay strong, do what you need to do for your life and health, and he'll come around eventually, once he sees how it really is an amazing thing. Just try to understand that any change is hard, particularly if he feels that he can't participate with you.
  • uk_ja
    uk_ja Posts: 143 Member
    Options
    If your husband wants to play that game I have a game you can play too.

    Whatever offending food choice it is, take a serving, hell take two servings, you deserve it, portion it out on a plate, lick your lips and then throw it in the trash, it's your food, you can do what you want with it and they will stop playing that game fairly quickly.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Options
    While I can't speak for him refusing to acknowledge your weight loss (that's just a mean thing for him to do!), I can say that it may not be that he isn't *supportive* persay as he is just not *on board with you* concerning your healthy lifestyle.

    My boyfriend does not count calories, watch his food, exercise, or any of that. He will be receptive to listening to me talk about what I need and oblige by tallying up the nutritional info of what he cooks and whatnot, but he continues to bring home his snacks, his candy, his soda, and his chocolate. The best I can ask for is for him to keep his food on his side of the apartment (it's a very small apartment) and I just stay the hell out of his area while I am learning moderation.

    He is not trying to sabotage me. He is simply not doing what I am doing. They are two different things.

    That said, it really is frustrating when they complain about their weight while actively engaging in unhealthy behaviors. He will go on about his weight and then suggest McDonald's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on any given day. The best thing I've found is to actually NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, offer him to join me in my health plan. That pressures him and will only stall him further. Lead by example, monkey see, monkey do.

    (It also saves me the aggravation of feeling like my well-given advice is being rejected - which saves sooooo much stress!)

    totally this!
  • niftyafterfifty
    niftyafterfifty Posts: 338 Member
    Options
    He may feel threatened by your desire to get healthy; he may question your motives. I don't know what kind of relationship the two of you have, but I suggest that you calmly tell him that his actions are hurting you, and you know that's not his intention. Hopefully, if you point it out to him, he'll stop. It is unrealistic to expect him to stop eating the foods you both enjoyed in the past; it may just "feel" like he's taunting you. If he is, your retaliating in a petty, childish manner as some would encourage, is never a good move in a marriage. Men and women perceive situations differently. I heard a preacher say one time that men will say or do something that they think has the impact of a paperclip, but a woman will feel it as a brick slamming into her. Sometimes, they just don't get it!!! I hope things get better for you. Good luck with your new, healthful lifestyle!
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    Options
    You have made a decision to change your life and he's not there yet. Sometimes it just takes time. Keep doing what you're doing and work to get him in sync with you. My wife and I both love food, and cooking and eating out together has been a big part of what we do together. It took a few individual attempts by each of us before we finally synced up and started supporting each other rather than sabotaging each other. Just be patient and use lots of humor in dealing with his resistance. Guys pretty much hate being told what to do but humor is very effective - tell him how much you just love his hairy beer gut. I used to hear that one a lot.
  • Aemely
    Aemely Posts: 694 Member
    Options
    Married 18 years... :blushing: You are doing this for YOU not him, as mentioned by another commenter. You might not want to brag about your weight loss to him though, as he doesn't seem that receptive. Certainly, I don't complain to my husband about my own problems managing my eating, as there's little he can do to keep me from eating bad things! It's understandable that he might not acknowledge your weight loss if he's not in the right place to make a lifestyle change himself. Maybe he thinks you're trying to guilt him into losing weight? So, respect yourself, respect him (if you wish to stay with him), and do your thing to manage your own eating/exercising. Go to the evil restaurant that your husband wants to go to, but just be sure to stay away from the chips and dip. :heart: My husband has lost weight without me before, as I haven't been in a good place. Roles reverse over time.
  • Retrofitnessmike
    Retrofitnessmike Posts: 6
    Options
    Like really, he needs to chill out. Tell him to hit the gym or watch what he eats. He needs to support his wife!!!! SMH
  • AndyStanford
    AndyStanford Posts: 154 Member
    Options
    I've got a similar, although less extreme situation with my wife.

    She knows she could do with losing some weight (and is actually lighter now than when our first son was conceived 4 years ago, so there has been progress for her along the way), and is generally supportive of my efforts, including noticing that my body shape has changed, or commenting on how well I'm doing at not overeating.

    The problem I have though, is that one of the weaknesses for both of really is fast food. A lot of the time we simply don't have the motivation to cook, so we end up ordering in. This is generally twice a week, and we often eat out once a week too. This pretty much scuppers any chances of me having a healthy meal, and can easily turn what would have been a good day, food-wise, into a bad one.

    Like I said, she says she wants to lose weight, but isn't ready to make any lifestyle changes to effect that yet (although despite all the take-away food and sweet snacks, she's still losing weight slowly, mainly due to breastfeeding), whereas I'm very consciously making an effort now.

    It's tough, but I know it's not that she's being unsupportive, it's just that I'm taking a path she's not ready for. I suspect you're in a similar situation, and in time he'll become more supportive.
  • LethainIowa
    LethainIowa Posts: 43
    Options
    The only non-support issue I have is my Mother..but that's another topic. As for your husband, I suspect he may not want you to lose weight because if you get slim, other men will notice you. He's probably insecure, especially if he is heavy. In the back of his mind he's probably thinking if you get all sleek and slim you're going to find somebody better. Men can be weird. As for him not losing weight.....he probably simply isn't motivated to do so. You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do for themselves.
  • campbellcjdm
    campbellcjdm Posts: 97
    Options
    Hello, I'm new to mfp. I lost about 5 lbs before and now I am continuing my 'journey' here. I have found wonderful support on here but my husband is less than helpful. He refuses to admit that I've lost any weight while I have lost about about 13 lbs so far. Also, he brings out pies and cakes and chocolates all the time, which he knows is my weakness. Furthermore! He sits there and complains how he's not losing weight himself and how hard he is working but he eats McDonald's and bagels with extra cream cheese and the sweets I mentioned! When I offer to do my diet with him he continually says no. It would be so helpful to have a diet buddy and we could get healthy together. . . WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ugh, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

    I have a chubby hubby and two teeneage boys. Wow - talk about temptations. I work full time, and my hubby does all the grocery shopping (simply because I just don't have time). So I have to be appreciative of what he purchases since he takes the time to do it. But I put the things "I" want on the list (salad stuff, protein bars, fresh fruit, etc.

    Just a note as you go forward in your diet. The more you eat right (fill up on veggies and good-for-you food, the less likely you will "want" that other stuff. The only reason the body craves that stuff is because it is crying out for nutrition - we just happen to grab what is close. So plan ahead, plan healthy, indulge a little in the 'tempation' food, appreciate your husband, and do this for YOU becuase YOU want to feel better about YOU. (I have been married 24 years now, it works !! ) :love:
  • shabaam
    shabaam Posts: 6
    Options
    Good Luck and I hope you find the support elsewhere, like the people on this site. I found support from friends, and online. My husband doesnt care much about exercise or eating healthy...so because I cook, I decided to make better choices for the both of us....less salt, whole wheat bread, more water, no soda, cut out chips and sweets at home..other than sugar free popsicles.

    I also stopped going to fast food resturants, and started walking my dog moreso and playing kinect...all in all we both have lost weight, and he didnt have to try too hard...lol.
  • LCFulmer
    LCFulmer Posts: 183 Member
    Options
    You have made a decision to change your life and he's not there yet. Sometimes it just takes time. Keep doing what you're doing and work to get him in sync with you. My wife and I both love food, and cooking and eating out together has been a big part of what we do together. It took a few individual attempts by each of us before we finally synced up and started supporting each other rather than sabotaging each other. Just be patient and use lots of humor in dealing with his resistance. Guys pretty much hate being told what to do but humor is very effective - tell him how much you just love his hairy beer gut. I used to hear that one a lot.

    What He said... you can tell the state of someone relationship based on their response. In regards to your "strength" you have to decide that you're simply not going to eat the stuff. We all know nagging, being mad, complaing to him and about him dosent' work. What do work is to show him support and love in his endeavors... be his helper while all along staying focus on what you set out to accomplish with your weight. Sow what you want to reap it works.
  • helenass
    helenass Posts: 7
    Options
    Hello!
    I´m a family and couple´s therapist, and from this point of view there might be some more issues in your relationship that end up reflecting in this topic. Often when one of the partners decides to change something about their life (you) the other gets scared that he´ll be left behind, and unconsciously does things to sabotage the partner´s growth. It doesn´t mean he wants to harm you... deep down he´s probably afraid that you´ll get a boost of confidence and he might not be good enough for you anymore. The first thing I would recommend is respect yourself above all else... you´re doing this for you and your health (body and mind), so stick to your plan and focus. Second, stop trying to change him... if he wants to do this for him then great, but if he doesn´t you have to respect his choice.
    Hope this helps, good luck!
  • Joanitude
    Joanitude Posts: 171 Member
    Options
    I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.

    I tend to believe that if all the rational options don't work - try the irrational. I have a list of banned items...yes literally a written down list. If one does show up in the house for any reason it immediately gets smooshed (to the point that no one besides the dog will want to eat it) and goes outside to the trash can. Don't care why it were there, how much money was thrown out...just don't care. As far as I'm concerned, these specific items are some weird mutated spider disguise. I have no problem doing ANYTHING it takes to make spiders go away. Hubby got tired of me doing this to his treats and he now respects the banned list. He has plenty of other things he can bring in the house for treats, so he can eat as much junk as he wants I just don't have to join him. He has gotten good about checking the list before he goes out shopping. If he does bring something from the list home he makes real sure I never see it :) Rational, no. Effective, yes.

Categories