Husband not attracted to me...need support!

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  • fataalic
    fataalic Posts: 73 Member
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    Hello All!
    I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!

    Men can be really insensitive when it comes to weight gain and how the wife looks.
    But, try to look at it from a different side. Maybe he is unhappy with his looks, and takes it out on you.

    Mine is skinny and likes to point out that his weight is perfect, while I know that his eating habits are horrible.

    But, when one time he decided to buy a home gym (that he used for a total of two days) and said that he wanted to get some muscles so that he would not look too skinny at the beach where most of the other men are bigger and have more muscles, It made me think...and I realized that he had a problem with how he looks, too...He is actually afraid that I may look at those other men, because I would point it out to him that he is too skinny for my taste every time he made a negative comment about my weight.
    I know it is not nice of me, he bites, and I bite back, that's just automatic. :S

    I guess my advice is don't rush to divorce your husband just because he is not supportive now. I would wait, unless he cheated on you. In that case...I approve. But, my point is, while you might find another man that is more supportive to you, you will not find a father to your girls. Try to write a list of his good qualities and his bad ones and weight them down. Might help with your decision.
    I personally believe you will never find one man that is just perfect in everything (same applies to women). You always have to compromise and just accept some imperfections.

    Good luck to you, and do this for yourself.
    When you lose weight and start liking how you look, you might become more likable to him, too. Who knows. :))
  • athenaheim
    athenaheim Posts: 496 Member
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    Hello. For starters good for you for wanting to lose weight for the right reason "you". Im sorry your hubby is acting that way. Feel free to add me. I am on here everyday.
  • lesliev523
    lesliev523 Posts: 368 Member
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    I would be happy to be friends as well, if you would like. I have Celiac Disease, but also have an intolerance to many grains so I have to be very picky in what I choose as a gluten free substitute. But since my diagnosis and discovery, I have lost almost 30lbs..... The trick is not to fall for GF substitutes. Eat fresh and healthy.

    As for your husband.... I would not necessarily jump to the "abusive" suggestion that so many have. I have lived with abuse, and in this case it would depend on the delivery. I do understand, though, if he is suddenly on the living fit and healthy bandwagon, that he feels that you should be too. And that is a personal choice for you. Whatever you decided, I am glad to hear you are doing it for YOU and not for him.

    Hugs!
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
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    Hard to tell from one paragraph what is going on with your relationship dynamic; but 1) Is he just being honest, when he tells you that he is not attracted to you? or, 2) Is he ready to "kick you to the curb"? If its #1, he may be insensitive, and delivered the message badly, he gets 0 points for tact. If its #2, your relationship is finished. If he is not attracted to you, he is attracted to somebody else, I would guess. Speaking as guy; we are not too tough to figure out. There has to be more to the story.
  • TunechiBee
    TunechiBee Posts: 1
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    We can do it for us, for nobody else. If he feels like that yes it does hurt but oh well. We need to get over it and know that someone out there is willing to love us for us. I'm married as well i have 2 beautiful little girls ages 5 and 10. We don't live together i live in my own apartment with my girls and he lives at his moms house(long story ) but i gonne thru the same thing as you. WE CAN DO IT :)
  • faireplay
    faireplay Posts: 126
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    Hi Julie I am 49 and also dealing with an auto immune disorder. Add me and I will cheer you on. Your husband;s issues are his own, don't let them hold you back but do consider some counseling for yourself to get past his hurtful words.
  • WickedCyn
    WickedCyn Posts: 2 Member
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    feel free to add me! I know all about autoimmunes that cause weight gain and going on a gluten-free diet as well. It always helps to have friends that understand those problems as a lot of people don't. Good luck in your troubles. I am proud of you for doing this for yourself as that is really the only way to get anything done right. We are here to help!
  • 4Thay
    4Thay Posts: 4 Member
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    Im married as well although my husband is very supportive and has lost his weight and looks amazing. I feel less attrative myself and want to do this for my health first and I to enjoy life with more activites and of course make his turn more.... So we can be support for one another....
  • RamTraveler
    RamTraveler Posts: 12
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    I'm here to be your friend and support! There is no excuse for what he said. My ex always said he loved me no matter what. I gained 70 lbs with my first child, because of pre-eclampsia. The second child I was in the hospital for 30 days before I had her, and only gained 24 lbs. I never did lose the weight. I am going to lose it all now. I have health problems, so My Motivator is a strong immune system! I need that now....so let's get healthy together!
    Krista
  • Mrs_Fit
    Mrs_Fit Posts: 86 Member
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    You can add me for support. I am happy you are doing this for YOU because you won't succeed trying to do it for someone else. The journey itself is tough but when you aren't doing something you want to do will only make you miserable. As for your marriage it seems like you guys just need to have a conversation; the way you perceived it may not be the way he meant it. I have been married almost 10 years and most of our biggest arguments came from misperception. Good luck on this journey and I wish you the best!
  • mamenta
    mamenta Posts: 3
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    god no....we work out together and I try to encourage her... I run a weight club where I work and they all
    say I am mean and nasty....I told my wife I have no filter and I only want whats best. She use to tell me
    that i had a big gut and did no believe her until I lost 22 lbs and again fit into my jeans. Sometimes the truth
    hurts but helps.
  • IronMikeFox
    IronMikeFox Posts: 458
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    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Not knowing you or your husband, I cannot say for certain what is going through his mind or why. However, based on personal experience, I can tell you this. The way we treat other people generally reflects the way we feel about ourselves. In general when someone says hurtful things like your husband has, it is really themselves about which they feel that way. My guess is that, particularly if he is having a mid-life crisis, your husband is very unhappy with who HE has become and is projecting that on you. I don't mean to trivialize it, justify it, or dismiss it. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I am just trying to explain that his attitude is not a result of any deficiency or mistake on your part. It is HIS issue.

    You are definitely taking the right point of view on losing weight ... do it for YOURSELF, NOT FOR HIM!!!! I know from personal experience that being rejected (or feeling rejected) by your spouse is indescribably destructive to a person's self esteem. At least in my case, losing weight went a long way to rebuilding that self esteem and self confidence. Please add me if you like. I try to be a supportive as possible of all my MFP friends. Best of luck to you!
  • LilRachelle
    LilRachelle Posts: 25
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    I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I'm divorced and am now taking care of MYSELF FIRST! I have a challenge going out to all my friends for January. Just extra motivation and support for all of us. Feel free to add me as a friend and join me in my challenge whenever you are ready to. :flowerforyou:
  • garayua
    garayua Posts: 1
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    I think this can be turned into a positive thing, kind of a motivator. First, he has changed his ways healthwise speaking, which is great, he could be a good resource. Second, you have your children and all that was done to bring them into this world was well worth it. Third, read the male posts and get their perspective, maybe he is just being honest and is not relaying the message well. I wish you much luck and strength on your journey!
  • Terryism
    Terryism Posts: 314 Member
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    Stories like this make me love my husband even more...he always tells me I'm attractive, no matter how heavy I've gotten or haven't put on makeup, whatever... Good luck to you!
  • Fat2Fit145
    Fat2Fit145 Posts: 385 Member
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    Unless he said it in a cruel way or intended to hurt you then I cant see anything wrong with him not being attracted to you.... He did not say he does not LOVE you didnt he?.... if he stopped LOVING you because you gained weight THEN i'd say he is shallow. Remember we all have different likes and dislikes, so what if you husband is not attracted to his wife being overweight, you cant kill him for that. Please distinguish clearly beween LOVE and ATTRACTION.....if he is being cruel and hurtful to u because you are now overweight and he has lost, THEN he's a jerk. But if he simply stated he is just not attracted to you cuz u gained weight, i just see it as him being honest and expressing his feelings. I think you should try joining him on his weight loss journey, and if he doesnt want to help you get there then he DIFINITELY is a JERK. Good luck on your journey :)
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
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    Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.

    Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.

    Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!

    Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.

    I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!
    You are wise beyond your 22 years. Good post!
  • SideSteel
    SideSteel Posts: 11,068 Member
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    Do you believe that your husband still loves you and wants to be with you?
    Do you believe that he is trying to maliciously attack you, or is he just being honest?

    What if you were 400lbs? What about 500? 700? At some point do you think that he could still love you deeply but not be physically attracted to you?


    I do not know your situation and I wish you the best. I also have no answers. But I think the above questions need consideration and are relevant to assessing this.
  • valj5babes
    valj5babes Posts: 2
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    when you are committed to someone you truly love we all say and do hurtful things.. i have said some awful things to my boyfriend and i hurt him terribly. i wasn't feeling good about myself so i reacted horribly.. my boyfriend has been very patience and loving to me regardless of my mean hurtful comments.. because of his love, i love him all the more and feel so blessed to have him.. communication is so important.. he told me how it hurt him because of the comments i made.. sometimes i didn't even realize how cruel i was being.. now we both go to the gym together and are eating better and are relationship has never been better.. so maybe try expressing to him how his comments make you feel.. try not to get angry with him, although easier said then done. but hopefully it will be an awaking for him because it is possible he's lashing out on you because he's having issues with himself.. i wish you good luck and lots of patience and love..
  • breeleedee
    breeleedee Posts: 9
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    i understand how that feels, however my situation is slightly different. me and my man are both in out 20s and hes constantly pointing out that im fat. but it feels hypocritical to me because he is heavier than me

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