Husband not attracted to me...need support!

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  • lacurandera1
    lacurandera1 Posts: 8,083 Member
    SS does give fine advice.
  • Equiphoria
    Equiphoria Posts: 6
    Hey! This is my very 1st day & reply on here but something about all this is ringing quite true! I have 22 kgs to lose (I'm in Australia) so around 48.4 lbs I guess.

    Interestingly, I am not feeling so confident about myself! (Kind of evident if I am in a weight loss forum!) I am 37 years old & turning 38 this May & it is time to start feeling attractive to me again! My husband... bless him... is an angel & still finds me attractive even though I don't feel attractive enough to myself to let myself have too much affection at the moment (my own worst enemy!). My weight gain was mainly through alcohol & complacency... Ah, so long beer & rum... you are not my friends :devil:

    Anyway, happy for you to add me too :heart: :happy:
  • jeffsweightloss
    jeffsweightloss Posts: 314 Member
    Welcome! You must be happy with yourself. That's important in life. You are a very beautiful person. You may not feel like it right now...but you soon shall see the real person you are. We are here to support you. Smile...!
  • JigglyPig
    JigglyPig Posts: 231 Member
    I'm so glad I read this, and I'm so glad I read through all the replies.

    I loved seeing the diversity of perspectives. I really think I agree with those who mentioned that although his delivery may have sucked, his overall desire for you to get in shape actually isn't a bad thing. (I understand we don't fully know the background story though, and things may indeed be horrible beyond this. But regarding his desire for you to get in shape...I think it is okay for someone to want that in their spouse.)
  • sickofbeingfat12
    sickofbeingfat12 Posts: 13
    I feel your pain. Men want the eye candy. Mines the same way. I was super thin when we met, now I'm fat. But I'm on here for me and my kids, no man. I get the jabs here and there though I know he loves me. Its tough you'll be running circles around him soon enough good luck
  • dfborders
    dfborders Posts: 474 Member
    Yikes!! First, let me say I am so happy you started this journey for the right reason "you". Second, like a few others not know your husband and your relationship please communicate with him. I love my husband dearly but the man has absolutely no tact sometimes - things pop out of his mouth and he doesn't even realize it. The first year or two of our marriage sometimes he would say things and I would get so angry and then after a few days I would talk to him about and he would be like "really, you let that bother you and that is not what I meant, how I meant it, etc.". Now I will look at him and say "Um, did you just hear what you said", and I will explain to him how it took it right away and then we usually both laugh.

    However, again not knowing your situation and how the two of you normally treat each other the only thing I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate and communicate. That is the only way you will know how he is feeling and the only way he will know that is unacceptable to speak to you like that in the future - look at it from his point of view - if you don't tell him your angy and hurt by what he said then he doesn't know and he may say something like that again. As my husband always says - he can't read my mind:wink:
  • whittlelauraann
    whittlelauraann Posts: 175
    Your husband sounds like my ex husband of 10 years... let me tell you I am so much happier now that he isn't around every day!!! You need to do this for you and if that's all your husband is concerned about you need to start planning your exit from that relationship!

    Good Luck and do it for your kids and yourself to be healthy and around for them
  • whittlelauraann
    whittlelauraann Posts: 175
    Stories like this make me love my husband even more...he always tells me I'm attractive, no matter how heavy I've gotten or haven't put on makeup, whatever... Good luck to you!

    Thats exactly like my new fiance.... can't tell you the world of difference it makes! I am lighter now than I ever was with my ex and I WANT to be for me... but my fiance met me at my heaviest and fell in love with me and we were living together before I even started my weight loss journey
  • MrsSummerM
    MrsSummerM Posts: 26
    Although not quite the same experiences, I have dealt with a bad relationship/marriage that lasted 7 years. It was hard to rebuild myself and pick up the peices, and I too had little support. Even at this stage, 6 years later, I still struggle with self image, but I have found strength within and in the right people, including my husband (2nd marriage).

    Please feel free to add me if you would like, we all need a little help in this life. And even though we may not chat everyday, I know it helps just to know you have people waiting in the wings.

    Good Luck!
  • JanaCanada
    JanaCanada Posts: 917 Member
    Just curious: When your hubby decided to start getting healthy and began working out....why didn't you join him?
  • Colleen118
    Colleen118 Posts: 491 Member
    i understand how that feels, however my situation is slightly different. me and my man are both in out 20s and hes constantly pointing out that im fat. but it feels hypocritical to me because he is heavier than me

    He is using you to harbor his own hateful feelings of himself.... just saying. IT is just as destructive as what the OP is going through and needs to be addressed in a healthy manor. Suggest getting healthy together by walking and starting to eat more healthy. If he refuses, then do it yourself and he will eventually have to stop calling you names. If he somehow finds a way to keep your from being successful (guilts you into eating things you shouldn't or intrudes upon the ability to get active) then you need to look at whether this is something for the long haul...
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)

    Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
    He is at the gym a lot.
    There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
    If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.

    He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)

    Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.

    Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?

    Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...

    Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person

    I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.

    MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.

    one of my guy friends sent this to me in a PM:
    "Also, I have seen many times where "the grass is greener" syndrome comes into play. People fall in and out of love with others all the time. You spend more time with your coworkers than your spouse. You share more experiences with them. Or, you have someone you see at the gym everyday. They have a common hobby with you, which your spouse doesn't share. It's easy to relate to them. You develop intimacies. You can talk about more and more intimate things. There is no pressure of the parts of marriage that are unpleasant in the relationship, so the other person begins to look better. They understand you better than your spouse, and *bam*... You're in bed with them, or emotionally cheating on them.

    Same goes with those on MFP."
  • jc112486
    jc112486 Posts: 21 Member
    oh, gosh. That is such a hurtful thing to say. Spek up when he says that kinda crap. Glad you are doing this for yourself. :) feel free to friend me!
  • sanstreun
    sanstreun Posts: 2
    He is the loser. Obviously he has become too self involved to even care about your feelings. Always remember that his reactions, intentions and words reflect more on his character than your weight. Allow yourself to love yourself. No matter what your weight. You are the one that matters and you need to stay happy, healthy and focused on making yourself a better you for the sake of your children. Love yourself and the universe will send love back in return. Good luck in your weight loss. Live life as to the fullest because it is the only one we get. Peace and love to you.
  • newdaydawning79
    newdaydawning79 Posts: 1,503 Member
    Hello All!
    I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!

    Please feel free to add me! I'm 33 and have almost 120 to lose to get to where I want to be. I am lucky enough to have a supportive SO but I've seen what NOT having one does to others! Would love to chat and keep you motivated!
  • MystikPixie
    MystikPixie Posts: 342 Member
    Do it for yourself...if he loses you...it will be HIS loss. A real man would love you no matter what!
    ^^^This! If they love you they love you no matter what you look like. It's cliche' but it's true.
  • BSBgirl337
    BSBgirl337 Posts: 119 Member
    I honestly am not sure where to start with how he's treating you, but words can't be taken back. If those words came out of his mouth, and he repeated them which it sounds like he did, that's all I would need. There is no reason to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. I wouldnt' be attracted to him anymore due to his attitude, lol!

    If you are in a financial place where you can leave, I personally would leave. You don't need him! My husband and I have both gone up and down in weight, and my husband actually thought I was "too skinny" at my lowest during our relationship. Weight is a struggle, and it's always going to be. If she ever said that to me, I'd walk out the door and never look back.

    You do what you need to do! Feel free to add me! :)
  • huggie26
    huggie26 Posts: 3
    Please add me as a friend too. It seems he has bigger issues going on in his head. What about counselling, perhaps you both need time to talk and hopefully find the support you need. I hope this may be just a phase with him, but please dons't get dragged down by him,find the support you need.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
    Gosh! I'm so sorry to hear about that! It's horrible that he isn't supportive. I've had fertility struggles too, and have two beautiful daughters (9 and 6). I put on a lot of weight from the pregnancies, and from a glorious hormone disorder compounding things (PCOS).

    I started trying to lose weight in June, 2011. It wasn't until December, 2011, that my husband actually got on MFP too and started doing Wii Fit stuff, then went on to P90X and Insanity. I have to give it to him for being so supportive, even though I still have about 120 to go.

    Unfortunately, we can't control other people's actions or attitudes. BUT I would try to find a way to let him know that what he's doing is NOT helping you - it's more destructive than helpful. It isn't your fault he's going through a mid-life crisis, you didn't cause it, and he needs to quit taking it out on you. Let him know what sorts of things would be helpful to you too though. Don't just criticize him without telling him how to fix it.

    Keep your head up and work on you. If he can't see what a catch you are and how beautiful you are, it's his loss, not yours.
  • Kelly_Runs_NC
    Kelly_Runs_NC Posts: 474 Member
    I wouldn't fully say that he's trying to hurt you, as much as men (no matter how long you have known them) can have sudden changes in how they feel about themselves just like we do. He may be feeling a lot of distaste for how he looked and might still be unhappy about how he looks now. He may be re-evaluating his choices and I hope that before he makes the biggest mistakes with you that he realizes what he could lose. A wonderful wife and mother to his children.

    But that aside I am so glad that your doing this for yourself, there is no better motivation than to do this for you! You can do it!

    And you will certainly make him eat his words :)

    Exactly what she said.
  • DanaVP
    DanaVP Posts: 15
    I feel for you, I really do, but please don't rush to throw away your marriage. From what I read, your husband told you that he wasn't currently attracted to you, not that he didn't love you. I'm not saying you should lose weight to please him, but don't dismiss his feelings because they hurt yours. Also, you said you have two children. Think about how their lives would be affected by a divorce. I think working on your marriage together and yourselves individually is a more healthy approach. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but not always an easy thing.
  • Lady_Ann_2013
    Lady_Ann_2013 Posts: 10 Member
    Definitely add me. I can't even say anything negative towards him. Just pray for him and live your life for you and your girls.
  • HeidiChriston
    HeidiChriston Posts: 8 Member
    I have an uncle that sounds like your husband, but his wife and him are not together then he was with another very nice beautiful lady but sure enough he ran her off cause she wasn't 110 lbs. Then he found himself that skinny girl together for 4 years he ran her off just cause he was a plan *kitten* hole ( excuse the language) He told me b4 that i could lose some weight and that im just a plan big girl.. I am currently in a great relationship, im not a jealous person at all, but lately more and more my boyfriend is looking and commenting about those cute skinny girls, and ive said to him you know how fat you make me feel, you NEVER once ever look or comment on girls even near my size.. He really doesn't realize stuff like that men suck.. But my grandmother would flat out tell me your getting fat, or better yet i have been dumped because i wasn't "fit" enough. Keep your head up, use his words for motivation for you to reach your goals for YOU, and to be healthy for you and your KIDS... I like to look at it as ill prove everyone of them wrong, and show them i can lose the weight even though im just a plain big girl.
  • briannadunn
    briannadunn Posts: 841 Member
    I have had 5 kids, if my husband ever says anything about my weight I remind him who carried all his blasted children and the youngest is 9 months. I will go get lipo suction and knock him out and have them stuff him with all the extra fat that I gained from having 5 kids in 11 yrs. That is my response, but people think that they are being supportive and they really are being rude. Tell him to stuff it.
  • MarJay12
    MarJay12 Posts: 13
    I think you meant you have 3 sons
  • rsharper97
    rsharper97 Posts: 242 Member
    It is so heart breaking to hear you are not receiving the support you need at home. Feel free to add me and I will encourage you any way I can.
  • mscoco10
    mscoco10 Posts: 527 Member
    Glad you want to drop the weight for yourself. Stay positive and use his negative comments as motivation to be a better you. I would never tell someone to leave their husband/wife but I will say always know your worth the best and DEMAND it.
  • Signal2020
    Signal2020 Posts: 4
    I went through this also after 22 yrs of marriage he decided I was "old" at 40 and he traded me in for a girl our daughters age. Now keep in mind I weighed over 200 lbs.
    I had to move on and went on the "divorce Diet". Lost 100 lbs. Now I am remarried and it has slowly started to creep back on. I need to lose this weight to feel better. I am just starting this site and looking to lose the weight and get healthy.
    So I know how you feel. Friend me and we can do this journey together --
    Anyone else who can offer support I would appreciate the friends and support.
  • texasaswang
    texasaswang Posts: 24 Member
    Why are people so shallow, marriage is not a 'love' fest. After 12 years, it sounds like he needs to grow up and mature a little! I will never forget when my Ex told me that like 12 years ago.

    To this day, it boggles my mind. Are we in high school, where everything is a fantasy about love and princes/princess'.

    GOOD LUCK!
  • Panda307
    Panda307 Posts: 61 Member
    It is definitely hard to be told that by someone you love. At least he was telling you how he feels. Since you want to get in shape for you and he is already losing weight perhaps you can work on it together. A few years ago when my husband and I were actually working out together it was a lot of fun. It brought us closer together since we were sharing the same goal. I wish my husband would be on board this time, but I know I can't force him and he will do it when he is ready. You will be able to do it! Good luck to you!

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