Husband not attracted to me...need support!

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Replies

  • Linnibob1983
    Linnibob1983 Posts: 3
    Although he could maybe be a bit more supportive, he is just being honest and i know I would rather someone told me that they no longer found me attractive because I had gained weight (which has happened). It was the kick I needed to do something about it but with his support so depends how he has advised you of this.

    He has maybe found it really tough to tell you and the best way was to just come out with it so it's maybe worth talking to him about it and see what you can do together. If he has and is a gym junkie then if you do this with him you will have something new in common.

    Divorce etc is a strong word I would talk to him about it first and it great that you are doing this for yourself but you have to ask yourself would you be doing it for yourself if he hadnt said anything???

    I might sound harsh and I really don't mean to be but you can't 100% slate him for being honest unless it was said in an abusive manner which is different. But then I'm not a big believer in they should love you no matter what. That's not who they fell in love with at the start !
  • lovable69
    lovable69 Posts: 3 Member
    I agree ask him to be your trainer and work out together might bring the spice back. Feel free to add me as your friend been married 19 years and went from 103 lbs to 226. I know the feeling.
  • MaggieSporleder
    MaggieSporleder Posts: 428 Member
    Please feel free to add me as well. I'm gluten free as well. I can help you with that, or any support you need.
  • Lamaestra91
    Lamaestra91 Posts: 14 Member
    Feel free to add me as a friend also. I am now divorced from a man that called me a beach whale at the airport when I was picking him up after not seeing him for 6 months! (military). I have lost 106 pounds total since then and am back on plan because I have gained about 23 of those pounds. My husband now has loved me at a variety of sizes and does express that he prefers to see me thinner but that it doesn't dictate how much he loves me. With this type of support it was so much easier to lose the weight. He has encouraged me along the way and is still encouraging me, so much that now I am a Zumba instructor! Keep your chin up and do it for YOU and YOU alone!
  • Dianemustang
    Dianemustang Posts: 77
    Well, sounds like a few of my friends - I am here - married 33 years, still - (55 y.o. - mother of 2 daughters - and Grammy to McKenna and Camden) -I do work for a Christian Counselor who does 5 day intensives to save marriages - just throwing that out there - sometimes shallow cannot be made deep - I have friends who think I am the great motivator...so friend me if you like....I am a free shoulder to vent on...which some of my friends do - no judging here!
  • photogal375
    photogal375 Posts: 149 Member
    Ohhh, I understand you completely! Friend request sent. :)
  • ChefTJP
    ChefTJP Posts: 108 Member
    Please feel free to add me. read my profile and you will see we have something in common but a little different slant. I shied away from my wife because I felt unattractive and it killed my marriage,

    Stay strong!

    Tom
  • mtabh
    mtabh Posts: 128 Member
    Friend request sent. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. So sorry you had to hear that. :(
  • amgault
    amgault Posts: 16 Member
    Wow that is such a horrible thing to say to your spouse! I hope that while you are on your journey to becoming a healthier more gorgeous you, you have the opportunity to work on your marriage. Add me if you would like!
  • loriepaulin
    loriepaulin Posts: 88 Member
    Feel free to add me too and I am so sorry you had to hear that. My boyfriend has been with me at my heaviest and we started dating at my heaviest weight.
  • kcpond
    kcpond Posts: 661 Member
    I am sorry to hear that your husband is not supporting you more and has decided to tell you so in what sounds like such a hurt full way. I would hope that this is part of his mid life crisis and he gets over it soon. From your picture, you don't look overweight at all. I have sent you a friend request so feel free to add me.
  • msshiraz
    msshiraz Posts: 327 Member
    You know- been down a similar road- and those comments can often come before a spouse cheats. I am not saying he is, but if he is mid life crisising- and now telling you this, instead of helping you get fit too, and working together as a team, its a definite reason for concern. Tell him you aren't attracted to him right now either- being a conceded jerk makes him pretty unnatractive.
    Feel free to add me for support as a friend here! Take care of you, because if you don't, you can't take care of anyone.
  • Colombianchick29
    Colombianchick29 Posts: 298 Member
    Hello All!
    I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!

    WOW this is aweful! I am sorry to hear that he is such and *kitten*! You can do this!!! I know you can!
  • ddky
    ddky Posts: 381 Member
    You are beautiful. Sorry about your current circumstances. If you knew that looks were important to him, then he may have a point. I once worked with a man who confided to those of us in the office that he felt terrible because he wasn't attracted to his wife because of the weight she gained during pregnancy. He still loved her, but still it was a problem for him. That was 20 years ago. She took up running and did lose the weight and the last I heard they were still married. I believe that marriages should be saved when at all possible especially when children are involved. Everyone tries to say that children do just fine after divorce, but I don't believe that for a minute. Besides personal experiences, there are lots of studies that show that children do suffer thoughout their lives due to divorce. Communicate with him. Let him know how he makes you feel. Lose the weight for yourself and hopefully you can become close again. Try not to be bitter. You may be too good for him, but its a choice that you made many years ago. Good luck.
  • Yaya1976
    Yaya1976 Posts: 357 Member
    Please feel free to add me
  • mrfred
    mrfred Posts: 10 Member
    was he any good of a husband before the mid-life crisis?
  • raymonde51
    raymonde51 Posts: 3
    c'est très malheureux de ne pas avoir le soutiens morale de son conjoint, mais ce n'est pas juste une question de poids, c'est sur qu'avec le temps et les années nous ne sommes plus physiquement et mentalement la même qu'a 20 ans, beaucoup de choses change, mais l'amour doit demeurer, si un mari suggère a son épouse pour son bien de perdre du poids il fait bien, car pour nous aussi un laisser aller de nos époux n'est pas bien non plus, mais il y a plus que cela, la pression du monde, vise les hommes, de plus en plus entre 50 et 60 ans, parce qu'elle est basé sur le sex et non sur le coeur, les femmes se gavent de revue ou ont présente de superbe belle femme, résultat ont est bombardé, assommé par toute sorte de style et des silhouettes de plus en plus jeune... comme si nous a 40 et 50 ans ont devraient disparaître, beaucoup d'homme sont en concubinage avec des filles de 30 et 40 ans plus jeune qu'eux et font leurs petit coq.. se paradant au bras de ses demoiselles, qui affectivement se recherche un père, la sécurité financière et le rôle de la petite princesse a se faire dorloter et gâter..... voila ce qui attire les femmes .... les contes de fée... moi je peu vous dire selon mon expérience , c'est que quand ont met notre vie entre les mains de la société ont s'y perds moralement, mentalement, et physiquement, pour moi j,ai mis une croix sur la mode, les standard, par ce que quoi que l'ont fassent ont ne sera jamais aimé si le vrai mobile dans notre vie n'est pas le vrai fondement de l'amour.... le respect... la fidélité... les hommes veulent qu'il y aie le démons du midi , ils appellent cela comme cela, pour se faire une bonne conscience , c'est la perversion et la vrai raison c'est la convoitise qui amène a l'adultère.... les yeux sont la lampe du corps , si les yeux se promène a regarder pour désirer, et bien les mains et tout le reste du corps va suivre..... mon mari aussi est attirer par les femmes belle et mince tout les hommes le sont, comme nous ce qui nous attire c'est les paroles, les encouragement , un homme qui nous regarde dans les yeux quand ont lui parle, un homme qui sait nous séduire en nous sortant a son bras et qui nous aime dans les bons comme dans les mauvais jour.... mais un homme comme cela n'a pas besoin de poids , il a simplement un coeur et c'est ce que les hommes ont perdue..... car leurs yeux ne s'arrête qu'a la silhouette et combien de femme font des millions a se vendre , corps , âme et Esprit pour les hommes..... c'est a nous d'agir et ne plus vouloir de cette société mensongère et trompeuse..... je n'ai pas la prétention d'aider les autres, mais ça défoule crois moi..... car comme femme je vis aussi ces combats.................. et je veux me battre pour une choses être en santé..... être bien dans ma tête, je te souhaite un mariage heureux avec ton mari.... tes enfants si tu en as, et un coeur plein de belle choses a partager...
  • raymonde51
    raymonde51 Posts: 3
    c'est très malheureux de ne pas avoir le soutiens morale de son conjoint, mais ce n'est pas juste une question de poids, c'est sur qu'avec le temps et les années nous ne sommes plus physiquement et mentalement la même qu'a 20 ans, beaucoup de choses change, mais l'amour doit demeurer, si un mari suggère a son épouse pour son bien de perdre du poids il fait bien, car pour nous aussi un laisser aller de nos époux n'est pas bien non plus, mais il y a plus que cela, la pression du monde, vise les hommes, de plus en plus entre 50 et 60 ans, parce qu'elle est basé sur le sex et non sur le coeur, les femmes se gavent de revue ou ont présente de superbe belle femme, résultat ont est bombardé, assommé par toute sorte de style et des silhouettes de plus en plus jeune... comme si nous a 40 et 50 ans ont devraient disparaître, beaucoup d'homme sont en concubinage avec des filles de 30 et 40 ans plus jeune qu'eux et font leurs petit coq.. se paradant au bras de ses demoiselles, qui affectivement se recherche un père, la sécurité financière et le rôle de la petite princesse a se faire dorloter et gâter..... voila ce qui attire les femmes .... les contes de fée... moi je peu vous dire selon mon expérience , c'est que quand ont met notre vie entre les mains de la société ont s'y perds moralement, mentalement, et physiquement, pour moi j,ai mis une croix sur la mode, les standard, par ce que quoi que l'ont fassent ont ne sera jamais aimé si le vrai mobile dans notre vie n'est pas le vrai fondement de l'amour.... le respect... la fidélité... les hommes veulent qu'il y aie le démons du midi , ils appellent cela comme cela, pour se faire une bonne conscience , c'est la perversion et la vrai raison c'est la convoitise qui amène a l'adultère.... les yeux sont la lampe du corps , si les yeux se promène a regarder pour désirer, et bien les mains et tout le reste du corps va suivre..... mon mari aussi est attirer par les femmes belle et mince tout les hommes le sont, comme nous ce qui nous attire c'est les paroles, les encouragement , un homme qui nous regarde dans les yeux quand ont lui parle, un homme qui sait nous séduire en nous sortant a son bras et qui nous aime dans les bons comme dans les mauvais jour.... mais un homme comme cela n'a pas besoin de poids , il a simplement un coeur et c'est ce que les hommes ont perdue..... car leurs yeux ne s'arrête qu'a la silhouette et combien de femme font des millions a se vendre , corps , âme et Esprit pour les hommes..... c'est a nous d'agir et ne plus vouloir de cette société mensongère et trompeuse..... je n'ai pas la prétention d'aider les autres, mais ça défoule crois moi..... car comme femme je vis aussi ces combats.................. et je veux me battre pour une choses être en santé..... être bien dans ma tête, je te souhaite un mariage heureux avec ton mari.... tes enfants si tu en as, et un coeur plein de belle choses a partager...
  • Sunflowertina
    Sunflowertina Posts: 6 Member
    I know your struggle and I have a fitness junkie for a husband and in the past has made some hurtful comments about my weight gain. Since joining MFP I have started losing again!! Feel free to add me as a friend. We all need as much support as we can get! Hang in there!
  • CrazyAnne
    CrazyAnne Posts: 217 Member
    I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you need at home. I know you can find it here! Feel free to add me as a friend.
  • Alicia7519
    Alicia7519 Posts: 160
    I am sorry that you are going through this. Keep exercising and eating well for you and not him. Don't let him shame you into losing weight or engage in emotional eating. Instead exercise more intensely and log what you eat. This is what is going to empower you. Feel free to add me.
  • Valera0466
    Valera0466 Posts: 319 Member
    Being in a very similar situation myself I really appreciate the perspectives of the males on here. It has helped me to understand my husband better. I am trying very hard to be supportive of what he is going through right now cause I know when I hit menopause I am going to need him to be understanding of me. As for those of you who tell her to just leave him I don't believe you can have ever been in a long term relationship with someone you truly love. He did not choose this crisis, keep that in mind when making any decisions.
  • DriaD84
    DriaD84 Posts: 9
    "if someone can't love you at your worst they don't deserve you at your best"...you can feel free to add me for support!
  • sugar66
    sugar66 Posts: 41
    You need to sit and talk to your husband, find out if it is just the weight gain or if there is a deeper problem.

    I meet my husband weighing 13st, after 2 kids and serious health problems I had gained 10st, although my husband never put me down he did say he didn't find me as sexy, and this was having an effect on his sex drive. Now after losing some weight he is asking me not to lose to much more, however i'm losing it for me, I know I will always have his support he just wants me happy and thats what your husband should want for you.

    Talk and find out if he still loves you, then if yes ask him to help you get a healthy.
    If no then you need to decide where that takes you but children survive with one happy parent, having two unhappy parents can have a detrimental effect on kids
  • fataalic
    fataalic Posts: 73 Member
    I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)

    Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
    He is at the gym a lot.
    There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
    If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.

    He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)

    Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.

    Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?

    Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...

    Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person

    I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.

    MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.

    Well said...
  • gettingfitnana303
    gettingfitnana303 Posts: 74
    Hi, it made me a little sad when I read your post. I have not experienced the same issues as you have but I can sympathize. Feeling not attractive is a hard picture to paint of yourself. I outta know. Back....way back when I was a teenager, I was anorexic. They didn't call it that back then, but I was. I lost weight to please others. They wanted thin, I gave them thin. Too thin. I discovered that if someone is critical of how you look, if you change, they will find something else to be critical of. It's not your problem, it's THEIRS. Over the many years I had thyroid issues also. Now my thyroid is normal, thanks to age, but I ate the same, so I have some weight to lose. Not because anyone wants me to.....well, maybe my doctor:laugh: , but I am losing weight for myself and only myself. Have confidence in yourself, that's what counts and everything else will fall into place. Thanks for being my friend.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
    Hi there,

    I can relate,my ex told me I was fat,unattractive,disgusting and gross when I was pregnant (with his son) the whole time he was cheating on me.That was almost 10 years ago.It pretty much broke my spirit and who I was.At 22,I didn't know.I thought that's what I deserved.Plus he told me I couldn't do any better.

    FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS.I am with someone who loves me,he is my biggest cheerleader and I wonder what I did to deserve him.

    If you want to stay married,maybe you can both try and work it out.I hope your situation gets better.I feel for you.Being in it is not easy.Stay strong.
    Feel free to add me.I will support you however I can.I have found mfp to be so encouraging.The people I met on here are amazing.Good luck to you!!
  • dashxox
    dashxox Posts: 11 Member
    horrible man, so shallow. rather than criticise you, he could've helped you. Get fit and get a NICER and better looking man. You don't need negativty x
  • dems11
    dems11 Posts: 30 Member
    Wow, that is so sad. You have a beautiful smile and a KIND and gorgeous face. Your man may be suffering from some sort of mid-life crisis, but don't let what is his problem be yours. Do this for yourself, cuz you deserve to be happy and healthy, and you also deserve a man who appreciates your good heart and soul and not just your hot bod! ;) Please add me, since I have also just started MFP.
  • kmburne
    kmburne Posts: 21
    Hello,

    Welcome to MFP, as you can see the people here are great. There is a lot of support here so keep your head up and show your children that you are a fighter.

    I would ask your husband if you can go to the gym with him, it could be fun. :)

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