Husband not attracted to me...need support!

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  • Alicia7519
    Alicia7519 Posts: 160
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    I am sorry that you are going through this. Keep exercising and eating well for you and not him. Don't let him shame you into losing weight or engage in emotional eating. Instead exercise more intensely and log what you eat. This is what is going to empower you. Feel free to add me.
  • Valera0466
    Valera0466 Posts: 319 Member
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    Being in a very similar situation myself I really appreciate the perspectives of the males on here. It has helped me to understand my husband better. I am trying very hard to be supportive of what he is going through right now cause I know when I hit menopause I am going to need him to be understanding of me. As for those of you who tell her to just leave him I don't believe you can have ever been in a long term relationship with someone you truly love. He did not choose this crisis, keep that in mind when making any decisions.
  • DriaD84
    DriaD84 Posts: 9
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    "if someone can't love you at your worst they don't deserve you at your best"...you can feel free to add me for support!
  • sugar66
    sugar66 Posts: 41
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    You need to sit and talk to your husband, find out if it is just the weight gain or if there is a deeper problem.

    I meet my husband weighing 13st, after 2 kids and serious health problems I had gained 10st, although my husband never put me down he did say he didn't find me as sexy, and this was having an effect on his sex drive. Now after losing some weight he is asking me not to lose to much more, however i'm losing it for me, I know I will always have his support he just wants me happy and thats what your husband should want for you.

    Talk and find out if he still loves you, then if yes ask him to help you get a healthy.
    If no then you need to decide where that takes you but children survive with one happy parent, having two unhappy parents can have a detrimental effect on kids
  • fataalic
    fataalic Posts: 73 Member
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    I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)

    Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
    He is at the gym a lot.
    There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
    If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.

    He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)

    Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.

    Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?

    Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...

    Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person

    I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.

    MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.

    Well said...
  • gettingfitnana303
    gettingfitnana303 Posts: 74
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    Hi, it made me a little sad when I read your post. I have not experienced the same issues as you have but I can sympathize. Feeling not attractive is a hard picture to paint of yourself. I outta know. Back....way back when I was a teenager, I was anorexic. They didn't call it that back then, but I was. I lost weight to please others. They wanted thin, I gave them thin. Too thin. I discovered that if someone is critical of how you look, if you change, they will find something else to be critical of. It's not your problem, it's THEIRS. Over the many years I had thyroid issues also. Now my thyroid is normal, thanks to age, but I ate the same, so I have some weight to lose. Not because anyone wants me to.....well, maybe my doctor:laugh: , but I am losing weight for myself and only myself. Have confidence in yourself, that's what counts and everything else will fall into place. Thanks for being my friend.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
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    Hi there,

    I can relate,my ex told me I was fat,unattractive,disgusting and gross when I was pregnant (with his son) the whole time he was cheating on me.That was almost 10 years ago.It pretty much broke my spirit and who I was.At 22,I didn't know.I thought that's what I deserved.Plus he told me I couldn't do any better.

    FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS.I am with someone who loves me,he is my biggest cheerleader and I wonder what I did to deserve him.

    If you want to stay married,maybe you can both try and work it out.I hope your situation gets better.I feel for you.Being in it is not easy.Stay strong.
    Feel free to add me.I will support you however I can.I have found mfp to be so encouraging.The people I met on here are amazing.Good luck to you!!
  • dashxox
    dashxox Posts: 11 Member
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    horrible man, so shallow. rather than criticise you, he could've helped you. Get fit and get a NICER and better looking man. You don't need negativty x
  • dems11
    dems11 Posts: 30 Member
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    Wow, that is so sad. You have a beautiful smile and a KIND and gorgeous face. Your man may be suffering from some sort of mid-life crisis, but don't let what is his problem be yours. Do this for yourself, cuz you deserve to be happy and healthy, and you also deserve a man who appreciates your good heart and soul and not just your hot bod! ;) Please add me, since I have also just started MFP.
  • kmburne
    kmburne Posts: 21
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    Hello,

    Welcome to MFP, as you can see the people here are great. There is a lot of support here so keep your head up and show your children that you are a fighter.

    I would ask your husband if you can go to the gym with him, it could be fun. :)
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
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    The way I'm reading this is that it came as a shock to you, that all of a sudden your weight is an issue to him. This seems unlikely, its more likely that its been bothering him a long time but he's been afraid to voice it. It probably was hard for him to be honest about how the attraction has faded. Unless, he is a complete jerk and delivered this in a cruel fashion, isnt it possible he's just telling you what his issues are ?
    And if he is now a fitness junkie, he might be ideal for you , as he will have knowledge you can apply, and be a workout partner to make working out more enjoyable.
    I agree.
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
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    Do it for yourself...if he loses you...it will be HIS loss. A real man would love you no matter what!
    ^^^This! If they love you they love you no matter what you look like. It's cliche' but it's true.
    Attraction and love are two different things. You can love your spouse and not be attracted to them, though usually that's not how it works.
  • Pekemama
    Pekemama Posts: 1
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    Boy, men really don't get it do they. It's much easier for a man to lose weight than a woman. I am sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need. Please feel free to add me, I am starting my journey again to try to lose weight. I suffer from Lupus and RA and I would definitely benefit health wise from losing weight and my self esteem would improve. I turn 40 in December and I would like to have lost at least 40 (need to lose more like 80) by my December Bday.
  • bluebird321
    bluebird321 Posts: 732 Member
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    l'm the same age as your husband and have done the whole middle-age weight loss thing--minus the negativity. Sorry he isn't approaching things in a more positive and encouraging manner. Welcome to mfp, you will do quite well here.
  • Reeny1_8
    Reeny1_8 Posts: 277
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    NOW is your time to shine!!! With or Without him you do it and you make YOU happy :flowerforyou:
  • westerly34
    westerly34 Posts: 898
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    Yikess. Describing someone toxic and negative is pretty harsh, especially describing a husband :(. But if anything you could actually become a hero to someone here or to even your kids if you are not already! I am already fired up for my first dieting plan and reading your story inspires me even more. I wish nothing but the best for you and hope you reach your goals. Getting fit is not about what other people think of you. It's more of a battle within you and see how far you can take yourself regardless of the setbacks. I have full confidence in you that you will achieve your goals and look great!!! :) Work hard and eat clean! Good luck!
  • mhcoss
    mhcoss Posts: 220
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    this is why i'll never be married! Thx for reminding me!
  • jlwilliams80
    jlwilliams80 Posts: 21
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    I can honestly say I’m sorry to read about your situation. It's clear that your husband is a bit extreme. He clearly wants to be a self-centered person, so there for all you have to do it rise above it. If he has been providing nothing but negativity, fight against it. It’s no longer about him and his insecurities; it’s now about you and your daughters. If he was truly supportive of you and your daughters then he wouldn't be such the person he has become. If he isn't willing to work on your marriage, then he needs to work on finding another place to reside, cause you and your girls do not need this toxic man in your lives.

    Focus on what makes you happy – getting yourself healthy.

    Be your own kind of beautiful :happy:

    Your more than welcome to add me
  • Annaduurai
    Annaduurai Posts: 56 Member
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    Feel free to add me. I have been there! He has been my X-husband for 9 years.
  • murdledoe
    murdledoe Posts: 98 Member
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    I think it is his issue and it might not matter if you were under weight, but you are more then welcomed to put me on your friends list. I am new to this and have allot to shed. We can be supportive of one another. I do have to say though. You need to lose the weight for yourself, not for him.

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