"Seeing" your Personal Trainer? Help!
Replies
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Who is "forcing" you to compete with anyone? If you feel like you are competing for a man's attention, then he's not really yours.
And dating your trainer is a bit like dating your boss; there's only one way it can end well, and, given that you feel you are competing with women nearly twice your age, I don't see the two of you walking down the aisle any time soon.
The last girl he dated who was a client had women come up to her at the gym and blatantly tell her off and say she wasn't good enough for him and she got her house egged several times by women at the gym (we know it was them because of fb posts). Anyway, I am not forced to compete but because of how ruthless some of these women are (all ages, really) I have to CONSTANTLY keep a guard up because I'm terrified the same things will happen to me.
I think that's why he's afraid to take me out in public. That same girl and he went to the beach one day, hours away from our city, and he still managed to run into a gym member and it started a whole mess of drama. People feel entitled to know what's going on in his life. It's really insane.0 -
If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??
Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.
My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.
I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.0 -
Pick one, it's that simple. If you are an item be an item and stop seeing him for training during client hours (he can train you seperately and off the books), or don't be an item and keep him as your trainer and friend. You cannot get jealous of a person for doing their job, for the hour that they are paying him they are paying him to pay attention to them without any serious distraction. I work in an office environment and my husband doesn't call me all day long taking my attention away from my job, when I'm in a meeting I'm focused on that meeting and that's the expectation. Think of each of his clients as a meeting, he needs to be focused for various reasons, including safety. Also, his interpersonal skills are part of his paycheck. Just because for an hour or two a week a couple of his clients can't respect boundaries doesn't mean that he doesn't respect boundaries. The onus is on the women, the trust is in him. Just trust him.0
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If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??
Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.
My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.
I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.
age =/= maturity.0 -
You can't go backwards to the way it was before. So either break up and get a new trainer, or grow a thicker skin.
You aren't even in an exclusive relationship, and he doesn't care how other women are making you insecure. That isn't going to change.
Thanks. As cutthroat, to-the-point as this is, it does help put it in perspective.0 -
Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.
Sorry, but he's just not that into you. You're a fun distraction, it sounds like. Nothing more. If you aren't in public, aren't exclusive, and you aren't "allowed" to get him a gift, you do not have a relationship. He's not your boyfriend, he's not even your friend. Sever ties.0 -
If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??
Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.
My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.
I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.
age =/= maturity.
I guess you're right about that. Coming from a culture based out of eastern europe, I was always taught that the older you are the wiser and the more respect you were entitled to. So that "cougar" comment was definitely coming from a place of anger and stress. Which isn't good, either.0 -
I don't know what this is all about. When I go to the gym it's to work out, not to make friends or socialize or any of that other stuff that you're talking about. I don't know what chatty cougars have to do with anything, at all, ever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go to another gym and put this one out of your mind. Get a new trainer. Get a new boyfriend.
You're only 23, the world is whatever you want to be.0 -
AMEN! Listen to yourself....he doesn;t acknowledge you as a girlfriend, take you out, hold hands, care whether or not you are upset, lords the attention of other women over you, and you THINK it's one sided! You have just handed him power on a platter .He sounds like an egotistical dog. Kick his sorry *kitten* to the curb, you deserve WAY better. (and go to another gym)0
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Thanks everyone. Your words, both needed critiques and empowering tips are what I needed to dry my tears and persevere through the day.
Just because fitness is and has been my world, doesn't mean he is the alpha and the omega.
And I definitely have not become a better or more matured person in dealing with these situations, either. Which is a goal to improve from this moment on.
thank you.0 -
I have so many things to say about this.
First, what kind of place do you live in?! People harrass and egg a trainers house for him having a date? This literally must be the hottest, kindest, most intelligent man in the world or all of you are trippin! He probably likes the attention and the fighting over him which is why he won't make it stop.
I've been where you are. trust me. If this man won't go public with you and he treats you like crap get out now. Save yourself some stress.0 -
I am sorry this relationship has you stressed and depressed. From what you have written it does not sound like it is a healthy option for you to stay in it any longer. Not going out with you in public really raises some concerns. If he truly wanted to focus on the relationship between you two it seem that he would tell you that he can no longer be your PT. It is alarming that he has gone through this before with a client and apparently learned no lessons from it.
It really sounds like you have a bunch of great things to focus on, like moving away and grad school! You are 23 and getting away from the hens/small town life is going to be an amazing journey. You are going to be fine, really.0 -
Just get a new trainer
I love the beautiful simplicity of male advice. I also agree...how can you be dating/seeing/having a relationship when you don't go anywhere together in public? Is it mostly just sex? If so, grand, as long as you know the parameters.
I don't find the cougar comment offensive, but to be honest, I wouldn't put up with being spoken about when I was within earshot, no matter what the topic. That's not what the gym is for!0 -
Hmm, I messed around with my personal trainer on a personal level. It was fun while it lasted but we knew it wouldn't last. He still continued to train me and we are still good friends. And that was 7 years ago.
Just pick one - have him as a boyfriend or as a trainer. Either way it'll work out.0 -
How is this a 'relationship' if you don't go out in public and you aren't exclusive? Seems like F buddies at best. Anywho guy sounds like a tool. Move on and find a real guy that will take you on dates and treat you right. There are lots of gyms and trainers out there so if your serious about weight loss get on it, don't let other jerks effect you. Find a gym or a video or get out and do your thing and F everyone else. Seriously. Much luck
QFT.
^^^ THIS (especially the part about him being a tool)0 -
I agree with the others, move to a new gym. It sounds like he used you to get off on and is getting bored, but that is my opinion. But, so you can refocus and de-stress yourself, you should just pack up and ship out to a different location.0
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Man, I feel old - what is all this 'dating, but not exclusive' thing?
In 'my day' (and I'm only 32 for christs sake) someone was either you girl/boyfreind or they weren't.
Sounds like he just fancies the occasional shag.0 -
Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.
He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.
I agree with the "you guys aren't dating" sentiment.
Seriously he could lose his JOB over this. Sorry but I'd probably dump you. He shouldn't be seeing you in the first place as it is against the rules. And yep, you need to learn to be the bigger person. If their words hurt you and you want to comtinue this relationship you need to suck it up or go to a new gym. He can't tell off the other clients to protect your feelings or he would definitely lose his job.
ETA: How did all the "cougars" find out you two were an item if you don't go out and keep it all hush-hush presumably so he won't lose his job?0 -
Being a trainer and married, I'll admit that gym women can be very vindictive. Maybe their home life, sex life sucks, so they try to make it worse for others.
My wife was a little concerned about me being a trainer training females (and I do train a lot of MILFs), but I told her that she really has nothing to worry about since most of them are more concerned about "one upping" other females whom they feel are competition.
If the guy is someone you want to be with, then be with him. Letting others idiocy get in the way will let you live with regret if you don't somehow try to see it through. If it works, then it works. If not, then at least you gave it your best shot. And most people won't regret that.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
So, I have been seeing my personal trainer for 6 months now. Not exclusively, and not publicly.
The problem I'm writing you all today is that I am getting sick of the women at my gym taunting me, making snarky comments and being rude to me because they're jealous I am seeing him and compete for his attention. (He's kind of the big cheese around town). It's really bad at my gym, and these women are COUGARS, too. (No offense ladies, I'm just 23 and shouldn't be forced to "compete" with a 40 year-old with children).
Furthermore, it has been really putting a significant strain on our relationship and now it seems like it is ending. I don't know what to do. I love my gym, I love fitness and I don't want to leave but I'm losing motivation because I'm so depressed. I mean, I love him as my trainer foremost but as my lover and friend, he supersedes all other expectations.
The unfortunate thing is his trainer-isms transcend into our personal relationship. HIS women friends are giving me bad attitudes and making me feel intimidated. His solution: Ignore it, be the better person.
Perfect example:
One of my main goals in training was to play indoor soccer again. My trainer and my father have played on the same team for years (yes I knew of him before the gym if that gets me any credibility). He signed me up and we began playing and it was amazing, I had the support from two men I loved! The "Hens" (as I like to call them, because they congregate in his cubicle--the hen house--and bawk, bawk, bawk all day long). didn't like the fact I was seeing my trainer in a personal setting so they decided to come watch the games, too. Soon enough, they asked to join and have pushed me out of my own team because there are now too many girls and they won't quit as a unit. It has made my fitness development impeded because I am more anxious, insecure and sad that they're around treating me like I'm not a teammate and am incapable of doing well if I have the ball. So I quit. And I told my trainer why and thus it started a huge argument that led to our current demise.
That's FINE for a trainer to say to a client (buck up and get strong), but as someone who is intertwined in a tumultuous relationships with too many intersecting lines; I need a little more than that. I would expect any friend to mediate the situation and call out the wrong-doers and tell them they need to stop. But he is making my feelings INVALIDATED by telling me I need to grow up and realize it's my problem.
This is a personal problem that affects my fitness goals significantly. I have plateaued for FOUR months now due to stress and inconsistently training because of these overwhelming issues.
Please, help me. Pray for me. Support me. Give me guidance.
Just DON'T tell me "You should never date your trainer." I'm pretty sure I've learned this already.
I need support, friends. Not the finger.
hey you are young, no children----so F-ing what! Plus what do you care about what people that are not paying your bills think? OWN it, haters going to hate. Chin up---life is too short to make anyone other than yourself happy.0 -
Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.
He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.
I agree with the "you guys aren't dating" sentiment.
Seriously he could lose his JOB over this. Sorry but I'd probably dump you. He shouldn't be seeing you in the first place as it is against the rules. And yep, you need to learn to be the bigger person. If their words hurt you and you want to comtinue this relationship you need to suck it up or go to a new gym. He can't tell off the other clients to protect your feelings or he would definitely lose his job.
ETA: How did all the "cougars" find out you two were an item if you don't go out and keep it all hush-hush presumably so he won't lose his job?
He could lose his job?
They are both consenting adults, its not like he is her teacher at college or something.0 -
Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.
He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.
^ i agree. sometimes you just need to see things for what they really are...and move on.0 -
It sure seems like maybe this guy isn't as great as the rose colored glasses are making him appear. If you can't have a real, visual relationship with him, then you really don't have much of a relationship. It sounds more like he is interested in female attention and if you don't like it he's going to put it back on you. My personal suggestion is to tell him to take a hike and find yourself a new gym. Life is negative enough without allowing people in your life that don't deserve your time or your effort.0
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Hi..... sorry you are going through this.... yes as a woman myself it is sad to to say that woman no matter how old they are can act like that especially if they arent married are just plan ol miserable and have to make someone feel as bad as they feel. You seem really hurt so it is obvious that you want to keep the relationship with the trainer so here is what I would do... It took me going thru things similar with dealing with miserable woman... Keep smiling and doing you!!! This will of course make them more mad but so what they need to mind their business. They are so miserable they are making you miserable and distracting you from your goals. That is the best way to deal with people like that... dont have anyone stop you from shining... when they hate shine even brighter .... take all your anger and let that be your drive to continue and reach your goals.. Im a little older than you.. you will soon learn that this isn't gonna be the frist time dealing with miserable woman unfortunately they are everywhere. ..0
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This would be like dating your therapist, then going in once a week to discuss you problems, and expecting him to be unbiased. It does not work.....Find a new Trainer or find a new relationship. One has to go...or before you know it they both will be gone....it ain't worth it!0
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Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.
He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.
I agree with the "you guys aren't dating" sentiment.
Seriously he could lose his JOB over this. Sorry but I'd probably dump you. He shouldn't be seeing you in the first place as it is against the rules. And yep, you need to learn to be the bigger person. If their words hurt you and you want to comtinue this relationship you need to suck it up or go to a new gym. He can't tell off the other clients to protect your feelings or he would definitely lose his job.
ETA: How did all the "cougars" find out you two were an item if you don't go out and keep it all hush-hush presumably so he won't lose his job?
He could lose his job?
They are both consenting adults, its not like he is her teacher at college or something.
Somewhere it was stated that he was not allowed to date clients and got in trouble for it before. So Yes, I do believe he could lose his job. If I owned a gym and my trainers were using their position to pick up a partner, I'd can them in a heartbeat no matter how "good" they are. It's bad for business.0 -
well.
Lucky you! You've learned something about boundaries that will serve you in good stead for the rest of your life.
This guy sounds like an absolute and utter immature jerk, who enjoys making the people in his life hurt.
And what kind of jerk goes after the DAUGHTER of a friend? how old is this immature idiot?
Find another gym, with a trainer who has good boundaries, keep your boundaries healthy, date a hot guy your age, and most of all, HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. The dipwad can keep his crochety nasty ol' hens.
(I'm older than the hens, so I can say what I like
)
Bonus: Here's a nice revenge fantasy for you:
Since he never wanted anyone to know he was in a relationship with you, why not put the shoe on the other foot?
Tell the gym he was making inappropriate sexual advances toward you, and it was making you VERY uncomfortable.
Tell your father the same thing, and really lean on the fact that you TRUSTED him, because he was your dad's friend.
And you didn't want to say anything for months.
He will be out on his whiny little *kitten*, your dad will cut him dead, he will have no friends, as he will be seen for the predator he is.0 -
He hasn't taken you out in public for 6 months? Why wouldn't the trainer be prancing around his young, gorgeous GF? I smell a rat here, he's hiding something you don't know about.
And as for the cougars, I bet he's cozied up to each and every one of them just like he did you at the start, they probably thought there was something more, maybe yes, maybe no, I'd vote that he's a flirt with all of them.
Sweetie, you are young and beautiful, there is so much better out there and you truly deserve a man who will treat you 110% better, and trust me, you will.0 -
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I know it sounds like you shouldn't have to do so, but I would go to a new gym and get a new trainer... let the relationship stand on its own.
In the gym your only focus should have to be your wellness, not all of this drama.
I know you like the gym but ultimately it sounds like there needs to be more separation between your fitness goals and your relationship.
Sorry for the tough situation, but the above would be a simple answer... I'm suprised he still wanted to be your trainer and get involved, it seems like a conflict of interest on his part.
Good luck! Keep your health a priority, including your emotional health!
Thanks. I know. My training sessions are ending soon and I have to decide if I want to renew or not. I would be broken hearted emotionally and fitness-wise if I don't continue. He's helped me progress so much this last year. It would be like throwing away a good pair of work shoes because they don't go with my outfits... or something.
Either way, the fact hat my emotional health is at stake is a good reason to move on.
Wait, are you still paying him for the training sessions? If you were his girlfriend, you wouldn't have to pay to have him train you.
You make some crazy excuses for him, like 'he only gets to meet women at work at the gym." Really? He has no friends, no relatives, no former classmates who might introduce him to girls? Does he have no women neighbors, no women at his grocery store who might strike up a conversation in the produce section?
BTW, my friend was married to a trainer, who slept with zillions of his clients. (For Christmas they got divorced.) It's something trainers do. Just because he likes to exercise with you below the belt . . . don't think it's serious or anything.0
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