Ed's Nightmare Soup

Let's me begin by saying that my hubbie Ed has a good heart but is a scary cook. Unfortunately, I can not get around easily in our small apartment kitchen, as I am in a wheelchair or sit at my desk most of the time.

My hubbie Ed recently bought a slow cooker, and that device has become his go to appliance in the kitchen. He likes burning meat on the grill, but everything else goes into his slow cooker pot. I refuse to comsume any of his NIGHTMARE slow cooker creations. :sick:

I thought you might enjoy hearing ideas from a NON-gourmet cook...my sweet hubbie Ed.

I start my day with a prayer. "Lord, help me. Ed is using the slow cooker again."

He has spent this morning trying to convince me to share in his concoction. "Not on your life!!!" :noway:

"But Mama...I washed all the vegetables." That's something new. I did caution him about scrubbing his carrots and potatoes the other day.

"I even bought a ham hock to make the BROTH."...like he knows the meaning of broth. "This is my daily PORK!"..."Pork is one of our DAILY SUPPLEMENTS."

WHAT?!!! Yes, Ed had the nerve to call pork a daily supplement, like vitamin C or D. We now have Vitamin Pork. (Ohhhh Noooo) :huh:

God...Please help me...and HIM.

Ed continued in his gruesome description of this slow cooker recipe, "I washed the vegetables. I even peeled the carrots and potatoes...and cut them into little bits...just like the recipe said."

What recipe?

That's when I found out that he had found this soup recipe on a package of split peas...dry split peas, which he just threw into the pot with everything else, ignoring the fact that the recipe called for precooking the peas. He also got the idea of ham hocks from that split pea soup recipe.

The back of the package called for some other things which Ed didn't have or understand at the time. SO...he improvised. :sad:

(Get ready for this, folks.) When he couldn't find Bay Leaves in the cupboard, he used Dry Basil. Ed's reasoning..."They both start with the letter B." (Groan!) He couldn't pronounce Thyme let alone find it...SO...he went with Ground Cumin, a flavor that he likes. Did he measure out those spices...NO..."I just shook some in." (Double Groan!!)

To make things even more interesting, Ed didn't bother to buy some of the other items which were listed on the recipe. He couldn't see any purpose for Olive Oil, since he already had what he called Ham in this soup.

There was one item not on the recipe, which Ed could not omit. The idea of leaving his precious Russet Potatoes out of anything he cooks is impossible to him, though he did peal the potatoes and cut them into small pieces...something new to Ed. I mentioned that his russet potatoes might dissolve in the boiling water; and Ed responded with, "They will add to the BROTH." He has found a new excuse for everything that goes into his slow cooker. All he has to do is call it an addition to the BROTH.

Life with Ed is never dull. His cooking alone is an adventure, but I refuse to join in this trips into experimental cooking. I will stick with my food plan today, which does not include Ed's Nightmare Soup.

By the way, Ed wanted all of you to know that he lost 0.5 pounds last week. He prefers 0.5 pounds to 1/2 pound. "It sounds like a bigger number than 1/2." I will attribute his weight loss to his daily bike rides...not his cooking. Ed is not on MFP, but he likes to hear about my friends online and what they have to say.

I will share your comments with him. Maybe you can encourage him to stop using that slow cooker.