Probably going to get slammed for this, but...

tj1376
tj1376 Posts: 1,402 Member
in Motivation and Support
Probably going to get slammed for this, but...

I saw a friend of mine a couple weeks ago and I was actually insulted that she said I looked great. I am 30lbs heavier than the last time she saw me and she is 50lbs slimmer. We used to be really close friends and talked MANY times about how people should just be honest and tell you what they are thinking and not gloss over things like getting heavier. I could tell by the way she said it and how she spent the next few minutes describing how she got in shape that what she said was just a back-handed compliment. I hate that!!

I would have actually appreciated more if she had said "Damn girl, you have gotten fatter - you should really get to a gym." I realize most people don't want others to be honest about things like this but I prefer people to be completely honest with me. If I didn't want to know something I wouldn't ask the question.
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Replies

  • Angel37615
    Angel37615 Posts: 87 Member
    AMEN. Inside, you know she was glowing. Kinda makes ya wanna slap some sense into her.
  • kelfer80
    kelfer80 Posts: 78 Member
    WOW, not much of a friend! Why did she have to say anything at all?1 Some people... I agree though I would rather hear a little honesty than to hear my freinds being fake! Maybe time to clean out the "friends" closet! :)
  • Kalah7Renae12Vera
    Kalah7Renae12Vera Posts: 265 Member
    PSH WOMEN! We have got to be the most vindictive species on the planet... the worst part is I think we all do it at some point even if it is unintentional, I know I do. & even if we don't say something we can't help but think it.... try to let it go, even if she meant it in the way it came across, it only confirms what you already know 1. you have put on some weight, and 2. you guys must not be very close anymore.

    The other way around sucks too. The last time my in-laws saw me I had just delivered my son, I was about 350 pounds... when they came for Christmas I was down to about 270... they didn't say A WORD. I was really upset about it! And on top of that their whole visit my mother in law was telling me what I should and shouldnt eat even though she had PUT ON weight since I last saw her... I swear its in the estrogen. I blame hormones.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    I could tell by the way she said it and how she spent the next few minutes describing how she got in shape that what she said was just a back-handed compliment.

    Or, you could be more self-conscious of your weight, and be negatively projecting your insecurities of your weight onto her happiness in getting fit?

    FYI: There's been quite a few psychological studies on the attractiveness of friends to other friends. You guys said you used to be close friends. She hadn't seen you in awhile. She was probably feeling good and more positive with her own success.

    She probably did think you looked good.
  • Windy_
    Windy_ Posts: 1,012 Member
    Damn girl, you have gotten fatter - you should really get to a gym.


    You're welcome.
  • _crafty_
    _crafty_ Posts: 1,682 Member
    bitter, party of one.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
    She could be like me and see less fault in others and more in herself so her feeling good about herself gleaned over into her thoughts about you, thinking you looked good.
  • lovemykids58
    lovemykids58 Posts: 195 Member
    I would have called her out on it.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    Damn girl, you have gotten fatter - you should really get to a gym.


    You're welcome.

    QFT
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    I could tell by the way she said it and how she spent the next few minutes describing how she got in shape that what she said was just a back-handed compliment.

    Or, you could be more self-conscious of your weight, and be negatively projecting your insecurities of your weight onto her happiness in getting fit?

    FYI: There's been quite a few psychological studies on the attractiveness of friends to other friends. You guys said you used to be close friends. She hadn't seen you in awhile. She was probably feeling good and more positive with her own success.

    She probably did think you looked good.

    Yup. Women are b*tches, but it still seems you may have just turned your feelings into her "feelings" about your weight.

    Regardless, don't worry about others. As long as you're happy with yourself, right?
  • Topsking2010
    Topsking2010 Posts: 2,245 Member
    I could tell by the way she said it and how she spent the next few minutes describing how she got in shape that what she said was just a back-handed compliment.

    Or, you could be more self-conscious of your weight, and be negatively projecting your insecurities of your weight onto her happiness in getting fit?

    FYI: There's been quite a few psychological studies on the attractiveness of friends to other friends. You guys said you used to be close friends. She hadn't seen you in awhile. She was probably feeling good and more positive with her own success.

    She probably did think you looked good.



    I agree.


    I think you're jealous of her success!!!!


    Sorry but you sound bitter!!!
  • betoarango
    betoarango Posts: 222 Member
    You say if you didn't want to know something you would not ask a question....
    Did you ask her "Am I heavier"...when you knew you were? What the hell for? to test her?

    Sounds to me like you got to get your butt in gear, and stop feeling sorry for yourself... You might have had a chance to get a great workout buddy instead of taking YOUR weight out on THEIR comments...

    I do not think you are upset at the comment, just that she lost weight and you didn't... The good news? You are a MFP member and have the support and help of a bunch of people.. So change things....and next time she sees you, and says you look great YOU will believe her because it will be true... Or you can sulk...
  • d_Mode
    d_Mode Posts: 880 Member
    Guys NEVER have this problem...we just don't care.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    Um.....maybe she actually thought you looked good. Some people carry extra weight well and look a little better with a few pounds on them.....
  • hearthemelody
    hearthemelody Posts: 1,025 Member
    Lose-Lose Situation.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    I'm going to venture a guess that she's probably just as self conscious about herself as you are about yourself ... and even though she probably feels good about her progress, I'm sure, as your friend, she always thinks you look great. I mean, if she hasn't seen you in a while, she may not have noticed your gain at all, and is more focused on the fact that it was nice to see an old friend.



    But, I also get the feeling that women would have a lot less trouble with 'vindictive' 'backstabbing' behavior if they stopped assuming everything another woman said and did was out of nastiness and spite.
  • Royalsbatwench
    Royalsbatwench Posts: 117 Member
    Maybe you do look good. Just because I'm over weight doesn't mean I'm not looking good. That's weird.
  • tj1376
    tj1376 Posts: 1,402 Member
    Damn girl, you have gotten fatter - you should really get to a gym.


    You're welcome.

    Now you, I like. lol
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    maybe in her eyes you do look good.... :noway:
  • cubbies77
    cubbies77 Posts: 607 Member
    I saw an old friend a while ago and said she looked great because she DID. Yes, she was heavier, but she still looked great. I think all of my friends are beautiful. I wasn't lying when I told her she looked nice. She had a really cute outfit on, and her hair had been cut and colored.

    Perhaps you're just reading into it because you don't like the way you look?
  • iAMsmiling
    iAMsmiling Posts: 2,394 Member
    OP demonstrates why women will never rule the world.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    or it could be so simple as her not thinking that at all and actually thinking you look great! See what a positive spin can do when mind reading? :wink: :drinker: Weight isn't the only thing that shows how we're doing, perhaps life is going great in other areas in one's life. I say if someone says "You look Great!" take it at face value and feel good about yourself, someone saw something in you and shared that with you! Sounds like a compliment to me:happy:

    I think sometimes we as humans read far too much into something someone says, when really, the words they said are exactly what they meant!:flowerforyou:
    PSH WOMEN! We have got to be the most vindictive species on the planet...
    Hm... seems this thread doesn't indicate that, some don't see this incident the same as the OP. Saying ALL women are vindictive is not close to accurate in my opinion, in fact it is a ludicrous statement & merely reinforces stereotypes.rolleyes.gif
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    If only people could read my mind and always told me what I wanted to hear. GAH, PEOPLE SUCK :explode:
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    I'm going to venture a guess that she's probably just as self conscious about herself as you are about yourself ... and even though she probably feels good about her progress, I'm sure, as your friend, she always thinks you look great. I mean, if she hasn't seen you in a while, she may not have noticed your gain at all, and is more focused on the fact that it was nice to see an old friend.



    But, I also get the feeling that women would have a lot less trouble with 'vindictive' 'backstabbing' behavior if they stopped assuming everything another woman said and did was out of nastiness and spite.

    This.

    Plus, OP, you mentioned you were "probably going to get slammed for this"; any chance you had a second thought of, "Well, maybe my friend really wasn't being mean and vindictive?"
  • _CowgirlUp_
    _CowgirlUp_ Posts: 585 Member
    She could be like me and see less fault in others and more in herself so her feeling good about herself gleaned over into her thoughts about you, thinking you looked good.

    What she said.^^^^^
  • scarlet_afire
    scarlet_afire Posts: 19
    ^ What she said. She might not have been being cruel or vindictive (I assume you wouldn't have been friends with her if she was that mean-spirited naturally) and really did just think that you looked well. Maybe your makeup looked really great that day or you were having a good hair day. Telling someone they look good isn't necessarily about their weight, you know?
  • SwimFan1981
    SwimFan1981 Posts: 1,430 Member
    maybe in her eyes you do look good.... :noway:

    Yep!
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
    she sounds like a REAL B!TCH
  • mommamills
    mommamills Posts: 437
    lol....this is kinda funny. While we all go on and on about how we want honesty you have got to be full of the brown squirty stuff to say that you would rather hear how fat you are!! Seriously? We know when we put on even a lb and no one enjoys gaining, let alone do we need someone to tell us! And there are other aspects of life that can contribute to your looks other than weight. Maybe she actually thought you looked good.

    Maybe you should just quit hatin and let her success motivate you to work harder...just a thought. Good luck. :wink:
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    How dare she compliment you.....She's a total hag. :huh:

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