Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

AwesomeMoJo · January 2013

I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

Is what I am saying making sense?

ccburn5 · January 2013

Oh boy! Thats a pickle. My big sister recently divorced and is dating a guy but they both have kids from a previous marriage so I think they both "get it". I am in a fairly rocky marriage myself and do not see a split as impossible and think of that as well. Its sad what you said about your dad and not seeing him after he got the "new girl". I can not see myself ever turning my back onto my kids for another girl but I definitely understand wanting to find happiness after being in a ****ty relationship for so long though. Good luck.

TylerJ76 · January 2013

I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..

djsupreme6 · January 2013

I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

Is what I am saying making sense?

Wow!!! 3rd in his life and only behind his daughters..I think thats pretty damn good if ya ask me...cause that would make you his number one GF..correct!!..his daughters will come first and always will and thats just something you accept and once you do..you will realize that you won't feel this way anymore...glad you aren't pushing it cause he very well could resent you for doing that...just be there for him..for his daughters...and trust me..you are his #1 but since there is no ranking system then its a good thing for him to be open and honest and say that to you

saxmaniac · January 2013

Having children changes everything. I've heard women with kids say the exact thing to childless men they're dating. I think it comes partially from the blood bond, but also knowing them longer. You're the new person in the family.

It doesn't mean you're always second-best, I think it means more that he when he makes long-term decisions and weighs big trade-offs (imagine if you wanted a vacation and he wanted to pay for his kids' college, his kids has to come first). In a way, this is what you didn't have as a kid, if your father left.

That said, you definitely *should* feel like #1, yes, for a minute, a day, a week... and this should happen often.

AwesomeMoJo · January 2013

Wow!!! 3rd in his life and only behind his daughters..I think thats pretty damn good if ya ask me...cause that would make you his number one GF..correct!!..his daughters will come first and always will and thats just something you accept and once you do..you will realize that you won't feel this way anymore...glad you aren't pushing it cause he very well could resent you for doing that...just be there for him..for his daughters...and trust me..you are his #1 but since there is no ranking system then its a good thing for him to be open and honest and say that to you

You are 100% correct..but sometime it is what is said and not how it is said. I think that is what hurt me. I would NEVER get in the way of him being a dad. His girls are wonderful. They know they are welcome to be here anytime they want. (HE is moving in with me..I think that is what sparked the questions). I wouldn't push it..never....I am not a resentful, horrible woman...lol..I just want to know that he loves me and will be by my side as well as theirs. I want to be a family with them...unfortunately...it is hard with teenagers...

I want the chance to love them as much as he does...

Unknown · January 2013

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chunkmunk · January 2013

I'm (happily) married with 3 kids. If someone asked me who came first, hubby or kids, I'd say kids. I hope that isn't messed up.

But maybe it gives you a little perspective.

boomboom011 · January 2013

I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..

i have to agree with this statement.

BrettPGH · January 2013

Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.

That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.

It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?

It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.

Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.

sillygoosie · January 2013

Some people can deal with not being first and some can't. As a single mom, I deal with this all the time.

You should feel grateful that his daughters come first. It means he has his priorities straight and probably has his *kitten* together. If he said you came first, wouldn't you question that?

djsupreme6 · January 2013

Wow!!! 3rd in his life and only behind his daughters..I think thats pretty damn good if ya ask me...cause that would make you his number one GF..correct!!..his daughters will come first and always will and thats just something you accept and once you do..you will realize that you won't feel this way anymore...glad you aren't pushing it cause he very well could resent you for doing that...just be there for him..for his daughters...and trust me..you are his #1 but since there is no ranking system then its a good thing for him to be open and honest and say that to you

You are 100% correct..but sometime it is what is said and not how it is said. I think that is what hurt me. I would NEVER get in the way of him being a dad. His girls are wonderful. They know they are welcome to be here anytime they want. (HE is moving in with me..I think that is what sparked the questions). I wouldn't push it..never....I am not a resentful, horrible woman...lol..I just want to know that he loves me and will be by my side as well as theirs. I want to be a family with them...unfortunately...it is hard with teenagers...

I want the chance to love them as much as he does...

you know what?...this answer you give is the reason that you all will be happy and healthy together...you seem like a fantastic person...it is a slippery slope at times but at times it may seem like a blow to the ego or something but those daughters must know they are and will remain at the top spot....in the meantime...he will love you beyond words for this cause thats a great guy right there for putting that out there...honesty from the beginning like that...putting his daughters first...thats a real man right there...just be there as you said and it will all work out fine...he will for sure be by your side...him saying all this stuff shows he already is

cmriverside · January 2013

You are 100% correct..but sometime it is what is said and not how it is said. I think that is what hurt me. I would NEVER get in the way of him being a dad. His girls are wonderful. They know they are welcome to be here anytime they want. (HE is moving in with me..I think that is what sparked the questions). I wouldn't push it..never....I am not a resentful, horrible woman...lol..I just want to know that he loves me and will be by my side as well as theirs. I want to be a family with them...unfortunately...it is hard with teenagers...

I want the chance to love them as much as he does...

It would be nice to have an absolute guarantee that he will always be by your side. None of us get that guarantee.

The daughters are kids, they may make some hurtful comments, and will demand he prove his love. If you choose to be with a man with kids, I don't know how you can change that.

Insecurity (from you or them) can be pretty destructive.

vim_n_vigor · January 2013

I am married with 2 sons and 1 more on the way. If it came down to my kids and my husband needed me at the same time, the kids would win. I think he knows that and would expect that. I would expect the same from him. It isn't that he is not important in my life. It just means that my husband is an adult and can take care of his own business, my kids are, well, kids and I don't expect that from them. I think it speaks very highly of him as a father and a boyfriend that he can and will say that to you. How would you feel if he had no problem just walking away from them?

DarkAngel262 · January 2013

Wow!!! 3rd in his life and only behind his daughters..I think thats pretty damn good if ya ask me...cause that would make you his number one GF..correct!!..his daughters will come first and always will and thats just something you accept and once you do..you will realize that you won't feel this way anymore...glad you aren't pushing it cause he very well could resent you for doing that...just be there for him..for his daughters...and trust me..you are his #1 but since there is no ranking system then its a good thing for him to be open and honest and say that to you

You are 100% correct..but sometime it is what is said and not how it is said. I think that is what hurt me. I would NEVER get in the way of him being a dad. His girls are wonderful. They know they are welcome to be here anytime they want. (HE is moving in with me..I think that is what sparked the questions). I wouldn't push it..never....I am not a resentful, horrible woman...lol..I just want to know that he loves me and will be by my side as well as theirs. I want to be a family with them...unfortunately...it is hard with teenagers...

I want the chance to love them as much as he does...

What a wonderful mindset you have! Dating someone with kids can be tricky. I understand the comment just kind of sat wrong with you, but it sounds like your blended brood is on the way to a really healthy family. You WILL love them as much as he does. And take it from someone with 2 sets of parents...sometimes just loving their parent unconditionally is what makes the kids love you that much in return. Good luck

MizTerry · January 2013

Honestly honey, if you are having issues with it now, you'll REALLY have issues with it then, especially when they hit mid teens and want Dad to take sides between you and them if an argument ensues.

Attitude is half the battle and I wish y'all well.

tashjs21 · January 2013

My daughter is number 1 in my life no matter what. (and I am married to her father). When dating someone with children you just have to accept that they are going to put their children first.

Trust me, you really don't want the type of person that is going to put someone above their child. That person is not going to end up being very loyal and good to you in the long run.

I know it hurts to hear it but that doesn't mean he won't be capable of true and deep feelings for you. :flowerforyou:

jersey_jenn · January 2013

the kids will always be first, if you had children you would most likely put them in front of their father or anyone else as well. it doesn't mean he loves you less, just in a different way then he loves his daughters. as long as you're his number one and only romantic connection then you are number one in that aspect of his life, right?

odusgolp · January 2013

The bottom line is, you're all VERY important to him. But his children will NEED him... you're a grown woman and do not. They often will need to come first (and really should, imo.)

However, I'd be curious to know what he says to his 13 year old that is afraid she'll be left in the dust if he dates you... He needs to reassure her and stand up for you. Just my opinon.

DixiedoesMFP · January 2013

I once met a man who had completely written off his daughter (completely - signed over parental rights) because the woman he was marrying told him too.

Would you want to marry that man?

I know the comment stung. But I think it's intent was not to be hurtful. They are children....they depend on their father for everything. Appreciate that he is a good man who will always take care of his children, meaning that in the future, he would do the same for children you two might have together. I think that's a very good thing.

dodihere · January 2013

I disliked my own teenage daughter. I can't imagine someone else's.

AwesomeMoJo · January 2013

Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.

That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.

It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?

It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.

Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.

The thing, I understand that 100%. I would NEVER want his girls to feel like I did. IT was probalby one of the worst things I Ever felt in my life when my "father" left. D is a wonderful man, He is an amazing father and I do love and respect him for that. Brett..you are correct. Just a moment of angst...it just seemed hars what was siad is all.

My perspective is clear...I understand children ALWAYS come first...that is not the issue. Keep in mind my friends, I don't have children. Choosing to be with him means I Will never have children of my own...as he made sure he can't have anymore. Both of the girls are teenagers..so we are already at the teen angst part of their lives..(we all had it)....

How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???

Yanicka1 · January 2013

Well I would consider being number 3 as being excellent. You do not come after the dog and hockey night (wait are you american?...let just say football night)

AwesomeMoJo · January 2013

the kids will always be first, if you had children you would most likely put them in front of their father or anyone else as well. it doesn't mean he loves you less, just in a different way then he loves his daughters. as long as you're his number one and only romantic connection then you are number one in that aspect of his life, right?

JerseyJen..you hit the nail on the head....hearing him say that he loves me in a different way than he loves his daughters wouldn't have hurt at all....

He was not meaning to be hurtful at all. Sometimes we choose the wrong words....I appreciate all of you who are giving perspective from different views...it helps me a lot. I don't want to mess this up...

mrsgoodwine · January 2013

IMHO - there is enough love to go around. You are a very important part of his life and he loves you but he nees needs to do what's best for his kids. That does not take anything away from you. I would get on board and make them just as important as your boyfriend.

odusgolp · January 2013

I once met a man who had completely written off his daughter (completely - signed over parental rights) because the woman he was marrying told him too.

Would you want to marry that man?

WTF is wrong with people....

BrettPGH · January 2013

Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.

That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.

It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?

It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.

Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.

The thing, I understand that 100%. I would NEVER want his girls to feel like I did. IT was probalby one of the worst things I Ever felt in my life when my "father" left. D is a wonderful man, He is an amazing father and I do love and respect him for that. Brett..you are correct. Just a moment of angst...it just seemed hars what was siad is all.

My perspective is clear...I understand children ALWAYS come first...that is not the issue. Keep in mind my friends, I don't have children. Choosing to be with him means I Will never have children of my own...as he made sure he can't have anymore. Both of the girls are teenagers..so we are already at the teen angst part of their lives..(we all had it)....

How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???

It's not going to be easy. You're a new woman in their life and odds are they still love their mother.

The best thing you can do is be good to their father and be there for them IF they need something. Being teens they're trying to prove their independence anyway, so the only thing they'll likely ask you for is a ride to the mall where you don't speak to them and drop them off where their friends can't see you.

Try your best to include them in things they would like to do. Know their interests and hobbies and try to relate to them. You were a teen girl once, you should be just fine.

Let them know you're not trying to be their mother, but you love their dad and you'd like to have a good relationship with them. It might be tough at first , but with any luck you'll get there.

My0WNinspiration · January 2013

Runnnnnnnnnnnn

BullDozier · January 2013

I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

Is what I am saying making sense?

I didn't read the whole thread but wanted to offer my two cents.

I had the exact same conversation with my wife when we first got together. I don't know how it came up (it was a LONG time ago), but she said essentially the same thing, that her daughter would always be number one (she was 2 when we got married, I am not her father). I didn't understand it and was hurt as well. I sucked up my feelings and dealt with it, but it always was a thorn in my side that I didn't understand...until my first son was born. At that moment, I knew exactly how she felt.

Now, that said, I would never have a conversation or make a statement like that to my wife (or kids). But I do understand how a parent can say that their kids are number one in their life. You do have to remember that love is not a zero sum game, though. A parents love for their child is very different than their love for their significant other, and however one ranks it (as foolish as that may be) does not mean there is not enough love to go around...it is quite the opposite actually, I believe.

LittleMissNerdy · January 2013

Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.

That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.

It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?

It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.

Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.

+1

devan44 · January 2013

Sure his girls should be nubmer one but I think it's almost like comparing apples and oranges. If you are the woman in his life and y'all are serious - maybe even considering marriage - then I'm not sure why he feels the need for you to "know your place" so to speak. Loving you and having you being the number one wpman in his life shouldn't take anything away from what he is to his daughters. There's no reason why all three of you cannot feel loved and equally (although in different ways.) important.

Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

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