Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters
Replies
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I've been there, and as a woman with no children of her own, I can tell you that yes, it's hard never being number one. But if you love him, then you love all of him, including the fact that he's a father and puts his kids first, and you love his kids because they are a part of him.
On the other side, it should be assumed, always, that the kids come first. If he feels the need to tell you that you're third, well, okay. But he only needs to say it once. Anything more than that is just hurtful. Trust me.0 -
Adding:
You mention that you know you can't have kids with him. Is this a "dealbreaker" that you don't want to admit or are you 100% OK with that? That's a huge deal to some people. I know I don't want kids at all which means I'd never be with someone who does.0 -
How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???
How about take them both out for a girls day? Pedicures, manicures, lunch, etc. Tell them what you've told us, about your own dad about wanting to be part of the family, etc. It might not help (they are teenagers) but it's the best you can do.0 -
The bottom line is, you're all VERY important to him. But his children will NEED him... you're a grown woman and do not. They often will need to come first (and really should, imo.)
However, I'd be curious to know what he says to his 13 year old that is afraid she'll be left in the dust if he dates you... He needs to reassure her and stand up for you. Just my opinon.
This.0 -
You're stung because he puts his kids above everything else? I can understand that, but I agree with other posters. That speaks highly of his character and honesty.
You'd really have to have kids to understand why he feels this way, but for now, try to understand that what he said wasn't about you, but really about his committment to being a parent. You and his kids aren't in the same category so try to think of it that way and assume you come first in the category you are in.0 -
I think a little of your issues with your father is playing into this in a different way than you'd think. You feel like he (your SO) can and will walk away at anytime because he loves his girls and as much as that is a jealous feeling it is also a completely natural feeling for someone who has had a parent walk away from them.
At the same time what I sense from how you are talking about things is that he very much loves you and it is reciprocal as you love him just as much, he also loves his kids and you have been very good to them. And it seems the fact that he is honest and open with everything that points me to believe that you are just as valued as his kids are to him. You may not see it, but he may feel it.
I don't think there is a need to second guess how things are as long as everyone is close, loving and happy.0 -
I'm a single mom with 4 kids. Their dad hasn't seen them in 2 years and for 4 years before that it was maybe 4 times a year, for a few hours.
I'm very protective of my kids and nobody will ever come before them. I haven't had a boyfriend since we split and maybe went out of a handful of one time dates. I'm very standoffish because I'm positive that I couldn't give everything to a relationship that it deserves. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to balance my time between my kids (and making them feel #1) and a boyfriend (and making him feel like the #1 boyfriend..or #5, poor guy)
Based on what your saying, your boyfriend is a really great guy and an even better father. He doesn't seem to have a problem with balancing his time between you and his daughters at all. Now he is going to move in with you which is taking your relationship to the next level. As his daughters get older and become less dependent, the relationship will change but they will always be #1 & #2 and I don't think you would have fallen in love with him if they weren't.
Good luck !0 -
when you have kids, you will see that he too will move from #1, to #2 or 3 or whatever number of kids there are. The fact that he puts them first shows who he is as a man and that is a commendable quality to have.0
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the kids will always be first, if you had children you would most likely put them in front of their father or anyone else as well. it doesn't mean he loves you less, just in a different way then he loves his daughters. as long as you're his number one and only romantic connection then you are number one in that aspect of his life, right?
This is exactly what I was thinking.. you are #1 in a romantic love and they are #1 in family love. Think of it this way.. if you ever have kids with him... you know exactly what kind of father your child is getting and as a mother, we all want that kind of father for our kids.. where he would do anything and lay down his life for them. They are only going to be "needy" of his time/attention for a short while... older teens and young adults really want their independence and so you are going to have plenty of #1 time with your man and he probably just wants you to understand that he already sees them growing independent and so if they want him to do something with them he is going to jump at the chance to spend that time with them as he sees it as slowly vanishing before his eyes.
Enjoy this man... sounds like you have a keeper!0 -
I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..
^This!
I am married to a man with 2(ages 11 and 15) girls. We have been together for 7 years. I have NEVER not once felt this way, and I'm sorry to say that if this is how you feel in the beginning you should probably not date this man. It's not a competition. You have to think of it as you are #1 girlfriend/spouse/other half.. if you cant accept that you will never be #1 in his WHOLE life, this is NOT the relationship for you. To me its the same as being jealous about him having a sister and mom!! Time to move on!0 -
My kids will always be my number one. Even above my husband. I won't rank my kids in any sort of order. They are all equally number one. I would hope my husband places our kids first in his life too.0
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Eeeh. I think I'm going to disagree with most.
My dad remarried when I was a pre-teen. I remember vividly the conversation he had with my brother and me telling us that Carolyn would be #1 in his life as his wife. I didn't understand it at the time. I kept telling him, "But Dad, we were here first!" But he didn't mean that she would be MORE IMPORTANT than us or that, if we were all drowning, he would save her first. I don't think that's what being put first means. I think having a healthy, happy, stable home for your children is dependent first on having a healthy, happy, stable marriage, and that means putting your priority and your energy into your spouse's needs first sometimes. With both of you making each other your top priority, you naturally put your children first as a couple. As a couple, the children's needs, safety, protection, happiness, etc., comes first...as a couple.
I also married a man who had a pre-teen daughter. She is 14 now. The beginning was ROUGH. I was definitely trampling on her and her dad's way of life, and I regret a lot about that first year. Now, though, it seems like things are much more balanced. I feel that my husband and I are #1 in each other's lives, and as a couple, all three of our children (his daughter included) come first in our lives. We make sure that WE are communicating, working together, taking care of one another's needs, going on the occasional date night, etc. for the good of our entire family. If my husband kept fighting to make his daughter #1 in his life without taking into consideration my feelings on how it affected our entire family, I'm not sure we would still be together.
As far as your situation, I agree that it says a lot about the kind of man you are dating that he cares so much for his daughters, especially because you are only dating. At the same time, I agree with others who have said that, if he is committed to you, he also needs to stand up for you. He should never allow his daughters to disrespect you, and you should have natural adult authority in their lives. You're not their mother, but you are an adult, and you are important to him. It just might take some time to figure out that balance.
Please don't crucify me!
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How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???
I agree with a previous poster about including the girls in outings with you and their dad as well as inviting them to fun stuff with just you. To show them you are not buying their love.. make them simple outings that cost little or nothing.. picnics, walks, swimming, etc... bake cookies together or try something that interests them that you haven't ever experienced yourself so they know you are willing to meet them on their turf... that means a lot to kids.0 -
Can I tell you something that change my entire life. My Pastor explained to me that you can't put people in number order. I have four children and they all are just as important to me as my husband is. Each person is different and they hold a different place in your heart. I agree with everyone and I commend this man for putting his kids first but don't look at is as you will never be first in his life, just know that you are important in his life. You shouldn't want to come first or be put ahead of those kids especially since you know how it feels. Take comfort in knowing that you have a great man with awesome values and you are important to him and you mean alot to him. When you decide to take your relationship to the next level don't look at rank or number order, look at how he makes you feel and what you mean to him.0
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If it works out - then you'll have a normal family. The daughters will treat you like a mother, and the husband like a wife. That's what you should be aiming for.
The "what if's" along the way aren't worth time thinking about.
My suggestion is to see if this relationship is what you want. And if it is - strive to make it work. The rest will fall into place.0 -
I have to ask; are you a mother? It doesn't seem so. There is no WAY I'd ever expect to be anyone's #1 above their own children, not even my own Husband (we have 2 amazing kids and we do not make a decision without thinking of how it would effect them first). This guy sounds like an amazing Father and you are lucky to have him.0
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I can definitely relate to your situation. I dated a guy for over a year that had a 5 year old daughter. He constantly stressed that she always came first. Yes, I understand that. I also have a child. But I would never make my SO feel like they are inferior. I understand their kids come first (I'm the same way with my son), but I need to feel equally important (if it is indeed a serious relationship). I also had an issue with his daughter herself. I just absolutely could never warm up to her. Since her parents divorced, both were always trying to be the fun one, so there was absolutely no rules or discipline. I've been around children my whole life, and I've never met a more spoiled, nasty child. He would always ask me for advice on shaping her up, but when I'd suggest something or say something to her myself he'd get angry. It ended up costing us our relationship.
I guess what I'm getting at in my ramblings is that when dating someone with children, you don't only have one relationship to worry about. You have to have a good relationship with their children as well. Because one bad relationship can ruin the whole thing. If you absolutely cannot make things work with his kids, chances are your relationship with him will not work either.0 -
Once you are together with him for a long time, and the daughers come to realize that you aren't trying to replace their mom and that you really love their dad and make him honestly, truly happy... they will accept you and instead of feeling like number 3, you'll begin to all feel like #1. One day, if and when, you all become a family... that feeling will be gone because you'll begin to feel the same way about them too. Just give it time. He's a great father to love his daughters so much and to put them before anything. I have a son. He's my EVERYTHING. And if it came down to needing to be there for my son... and needing to be there for my boyfriend, I wouldn't even have to THINK about which one I'd help first.
With time, these feelings will pass. Once you realize that you mean everything to him too. But family is family. It's hard to explain. And although he may love his daughters more than anyone in the world... it's a different kind of love. It's hard to place yourself in the same category as family. Until you actually get married and become part of the family... it wont be the same.
But keep your chin up!
Things will get better hun!0 -
I married a man with 2 daughters also. I won't lie, it is not easy. It's just not. It's not easy to be a "step parent" because you are not a parent. You are "the wife, girlfriend, s/o or whatever. We've been married for going on 9 years now and it's still awkward sometimes. And yes, you are #3 but not a true #3. You are his SO, they are his daughters. There is a difference. They are dependent on him and you're a big girl! It takes a looong time to find a comfortable place in that situation. For anyone to find a comfortable place. He doesn't know how to act, they don't know how to act, you don't know how to act... It's not easy and will lead to fights sometimes, resentment sometimes, confusion on all parts. I'm sure his intentions were not to purposefully hurt you with his words so you should accept them for what they are and let that go. I'm sure it will happen again. Truthfully, you should think long and hard about the life you might embark upon if you stay. I tell you... It will not be easy. There will be struggles in this type of situation. I know this to be the truth. I'm not saying don't do it but I am saying that in the big middle of it all, remember that you decided on this and he decided on this but the girls did not. Good luck!0
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Runnnnnnnnnnnn
Come on, anyone that's had kids know they will always come first. Always.0 -
I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..
I agree. He can still love you, respect you, and support you while he loves his daughters. It would have been the same situation if he had a son. If it came down to you or the son, it SHOULD be the son. Just as it SHOULD be the daughter.
I don't see an issue, if you said you had no problem dating a man with a son I don't understand why a problem dating a man with a daughter, The girl sounds like she's being honest and trying to get along....0 -
dating is hard and when you mix kids in it is even harder. If he says you are number 3 then kudos to him his kids should come first. ( I am in a combined family with his, mine and ours) I get that it is hard to hear you are number 3 but it is what it is. Girls are very hard, they are very emotional ( I have 2 girls and my husband has 2 boys plus we have a girl) The best advice I can give is don't try to be their best friend be dad's girlfriend.. Make sure he has time with just his girls.. it is hard to be from divorced parents and then someone comes in and starts dating their parent.. im sure they feel some sense of loss. They will appreciate you more. We always do a date night with our "own" kids as well as lots of stuff together. We also never talk bad about the other parent. And it is never easy. My husband and I still have arguments about how we are raising our kids but its normal. Goodluck step parents and girlfriends or boyfriends never have it easy. 0
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Sounds like his priorities are right where they should be and you gotta respect that. Says so much about his character. As your relationship with the daughters develops, a comfort level/trust is established with them and you are not viewed as a "threat" any longer, I think the feeling of "you or daughters" (& how you rank in his list of priorities) will fade away on its own.0
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Speaking from a single parents perspective I will always put my kids before any man in my life. I will however never tell the man that he is going to be #3 in my life and make him feel like he isnt special. Knowing that you are #3 in his life is good in many ways. It means that he loves you and his daughters. There are many kinds of love. He seems like a wonderful guy not only to you but to his children. All I can say hun is follow your heart. Do what you feel is right? Dont do anything drastic until you actually talk to him. Let him know how you are feeling. Communication is the key.0
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The way he loves you is different than the way he loves his daughters.
The way he loves you IS number 1. But the way he loves his daughters will aways trump any other kind of love.
Its just different. If you dont have kids yourself, it can be hard to understand.
I didn't understand that kind of love until i had kids myself.0 -
Consider this: would you rather just "understand" where his priorities lie? Or would you actually like to "know" where his priorities lie?
My line of thinking tells me that it's good that he's being upfront and candid about it.0 -
Maybe I'm missing something. If his daughters are first in his life, who or what is second? If it's his ex-wife.... I'd be upset about that too.0
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Put it in perspective, if you were married and they were both your children then where would they rate? More than likely they would be #1 on both of your lists.
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A psychiatrist I am not, but the fact that you talk about your own childhood abandonment issues with your own father points to a deeper unresolved issue that has haunted you for years.
I'm just going off of what you said, but just make sure you aren't subconsciously trying to perpetrate against these girls of his exactly what happened to you. Worst case scenario you become the aggressor in the act that you were once the victim in at a much younger turning point in your life. Please do not read this as me accusing you of this. I am not. Just pointing out the worst case scenario. I don't know you. Maybe you are a heartless b. Maybe you are the best. I have no idea.
Hard words. I'll probably be told I'm nuts and you're a better person than that, but this is basic psychology here. Textbook stuff.
That said, I hope things work out. Women are territorial by nature, and you're on these girls' turf. At some base level, you really ARE a threat to their security because right now they have dad all to themselves. Being a step-parent and living with your stepkids USUALLY sucks giant monkey balls because you can administer no justice and have to take all kinds of "you aren't my parent" abuse from children who say truly awful things.
Best of luck, but I'd keep looking. I'm sure he's a great guy, but there are MILLIONS of fish in the sea. Don't settle. Your spidey senses are right. This is going to be trouble from the word "go."0 -
I don't know - these ideas of:
1. Love is a fixed quantity,
2. Love for your kids is the same in any way as love for your wife and
3. Ranking the importance of your family members
They all seem a little weird. It seems like my 11 year old's, "But who do you love the most?" nonsense.
This isn't how love or family work.0
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