Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

As a male who dated, married, and adopted my wife's four children (3 girls and aboy) I have to take issue with many of the comments made here.

Your relationship with your bf is completely different that the relationship he has with his daughters.

Your relationship is an adult relationship and consists of, but not limited to, potential spouse, providing emotional, physical, and potentially financial support not only to your bf but his daughters, intimacy, friendship, companionship and everything else that a romantic, committed, adult, male, female, healthy, loving relationship, should be.

Next is : what is expected, or permitted, for a relationship involving his daughters? Will you be included, or left out of a role of parenting. Being a "step" parent is NOT an easy role.


For him to say you will be #3 is a misguided comment. Yes, it shows committment to the well being of his daughters, but what about his committment to you?

My advice is for the two of you to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. You need to discuss how you fit into a relationship with him, a relationship with his daughters, and and a relationship involving the four of you as a family. If after the conversation you're still uncomfortable as to where you fit in the pecking order and what your role will be, I suggest you cut your losses and move on.

Good point.

I don't have kids so my perspective might be a little skewed. If I were in your position I would feel hurt too. To me, there are 2 very different types of respects that need to take place here.

1st -You need to know that you are secure in your relationship, that he WILL put you first too. He should look at you as a potential part of his family, therefor, he should combined you and his daughters into "I put my family first". Everyday life all of you deserve the same amount of respect and love. He also should not let the kids dictate his whole life. He needs to be happy too. Yes, if he was faced with the choice between you or the kids. The kids win but that's should ONLY be relevant in a dire situation, again, not everyday life.

2nd- If you date someone with kids, you need to be certain you can fulfill the role of a mentor before meeting them. You need to be prepared for a long term relationship with this person. If you cant see that in your future. DO NOT meet the kids. This is a package deal. Not only he/she can be hurt, the kids suffer the worst.
I am a very strong believer that children, no matter the age, need a united family unit. That means the dad/stepmom, mom/stepdad need to be on the same page at all times. Kids WILL mess with you and play your against each other to get their own way. I am so sick of seeing people that get into relationships someone that has kids from a previous marriage get walked all over and have no authority. It really is a recipe for disaster. The kids get a sense of entitlement and power and the spouse feels resentful and disrespected. Just cut it out. They are kids, you are adults. There are things you cant make decision for them without consulting your partner but with the daily grinds, you need to be able to guide them too. They need to respect that you are a mentor. Your partner should NEVER let the child get away with mistreating you or you mistreating the child. I say jump in with both feet, love them as much as you can until they love you back. If you are sincere and treat them good, they will eventually let their guard down and you'll start off a great relationship with them

I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...


This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

Is what I am saying making sense?

As a father of two daughters myself (and living in a blended family), I can tell you that fathers are a possessive breed. I would walk thru the gates of hell for my daughters. I lay down my life for them. There are very few people who I would do that for. Much like a mother bear protects her cubs... Papa bear does the same (and sometime more).

Out of curiosity... did he say this to his girls with you present or did he say it just to you? The difference is that his daughters may feel insecure with your presence and he may be trying to comfort their fears. If he said it straight to you in private... he may have other issues (sorry) and choice of words would be one of them.

As a prospective step mom what you can do is build a friendship with the two girls and make sure they understand you aren't their to steal Daddy (or replace Mommy)... this is often a real fear for kids in this situation. The world they once knew is changing and they feel powerless about it.

What I would suggest is that you make your intentions clear to them in age appropriate ways and reassure them that their father isn't going anywhere (Spa day anyone? Chick flicks anyone?). Remember to have fun with them... spoil them to a degree, but remember they are his kids when decisions need to be made, or discipline needs to be meted out. As a step parent, you will be in the capacity of backup pilot... only called into service when the pilot is unavailable. You don't set the course, but are there to help out in an emergency.

Also remember that as kids grow older, they will distance themselves and need their Daddy less and less... as this happens he will need someone more and more. As a Daddy, I can say that letting go is very hard but am so very grateful that my daughters step mom has been there thru this for me (and my kids). My oldest daughter is now 17 and on the verge of adulthood. She made my a grand father this year. My wife has been my rock through out this. I value my wife more and more every day... not because she was ever number three (I told her when we were dating that my kids would always come first), but because she has stuck with me all the times I stepped in number two.

Yes, You are in a hard spot. I feel for you. What he said was insensitive (but I don't know the full context). But the future is where its heading... don't let it be governed by something he said in the past.

I hope some of what I am saying resonates with you. You are important.

Best Wishes

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

I don't understand the reasoning in this part of your OP? Is this what you are saying about your own reaction to his daughters (as in this is what you, as a woman, are like) or are you saying this is what his daughters are like? Have you had personal experiences with them that would fall into this category and warrant saying such a thing?

I disagree, this has not been my experience with myself, with other women, and especially not with teenage girls or with my own daughters (they are younger). If it was, then I guess I didn't notice because I would have quickly chosen not to be friends with people I felt this way about.

If this is how you feel, then maybe it isn't a good match for you. Maybe being a stepmother for teenage girls isn't right for you. Because, as the adult and stepmother, you should not feel this way or have this kind of relationship with the girls. It is not healthy.

Yes, his daughters do come first. MAJORITY of the time, but he does need to make you feel first every once in a while. You should not be the dishes you only take out for Christmas. I have a daughter. And I am not with her father, but if I ever dated a guy, I would show him he is my number one 1 man. And I wouldn't rub it in his face that the child that is not his comes before him, because he will already know that.

Just let him know how he made you feel. Let him know that you know his daughters come first and you expect that, but he should show you he cares for you as well.

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

I disliked my own teenage daughter. I can't imagine someone else's.

So true. I don't have kids, but this is refreshing.

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

You really put your marriage before your kids?

*shakes head*

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

I don't understand the reasoning in this part of your OP? Is this what you are saying about your own reaction to his daughters (as in this is what you, as a woman, are like) or are you saying this is what his daughters are like? Have you had personal experiences with them that would fall into this category and warrant saying such a thing?

I disagree, this has not been my experience with myself, with other women, and especially not with teenage girls or with my own daughters (they are younger). If it was, then I guess I didn't notice because I would have quickly chosen not to be friends with people I felt this way about.

If this is how you feel, then maybe it isn't a good match for you. Maybe being a stepmother for teenage girls isn't right for you. Because, as the adult and stepmother, you should not feel this way or have this kind of relationship with the girls. It is not healthy.

BinaryPulser...I think you may have misunderstood what was said. WHen I dated a man with boys..it was not as bad. They loved me, accepted me ,and were happy...I know for a fact that women are different. Little girls are different. When my mother was dating my step-dad his daughter did everything in her power to try and make sure they didn't get married..she was bratty, catty, b!tchy, and even played "sick" to get his attention....even though he never left them, always saw her, had special time with her and she was included in everything we did as a family.

I was also dropped by my father when he remarried so I understand the feelings of his 13 yr old daughter. Being a stepmother would be okay with me. I understand they havetheir parents and I am a secondary part of their lives....I would never get in the way of how both parents chose to discipline the kids, I respect them as his daughters, and as individuals with their own feelings. I just want to be sure that I don't do or say anything that may cause a chemical reaction and explosion...if you think even for a second that little girls are not manioulative in trying to get daddy's attention..then you are mistaken. There have been movies made based on it for goodness sake..the funniest I Can think of is "THe Parent Trap"...

I just want to be sure I do not step over any boundaries that would creat any resentment or anger from them. He is a wonderful father. His girls are being honest about their feelings..nothing wrong with that. I am being honest about mine. I would like to be a family with all of us happy...but it is a process...it will take time..and I am sure we will be fine...just needed a little guidance from my peers.

Thanks for explaining. I understand a lot better now. Thanks for not taking offense to what I said.

My experience growing up was very different, but I was severely abused by the man that was my stepfather (during the time that he was in that role in my life), so it was just a very different kind of situation. I was very quiet, good and obedient. My twin brother was the trouble maker and he did not get abused like I did. We were very young, though. Not teenagers, but very little children.

From my perspective parents need to put their kids first in case they end up in an abusive situation.

But, for myself in a healthy relationship, I don't think of my kids or husband as being ranked. My children are my children and my husband is my partner.

But, as a child it hurt me when my mother put other people ahead of me (even when they were harming me).

But, relationships should fill a person's life in a way that children never could. We are there to parent our children, not to expect them to be a partner, that's too much pressure on kids. Someday my kids will be grown and raised, but my husband and I will still be partners. My husband is the father of our children. I would feel differently if he was not (in that case I would need to know my children were first within myself, it's what being a parent is all about).

As a father to a little girl I can tell you there will be no female as remotely important to me as she is.

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

You really put your marriage before your kids?

*shakes head*

I find it funny that some people can't at least see where someone with this opinion is coming from. Kids can tear a marriage apart just because they can be so difficult and reckless before they leave your house and move on. If you don't have an absolutely iron-clad relationship and "I got your back" bond with your spouse, kids can end a good marriage. It happens with natural parents, and is an even easier bond to break between a natural parent and a step-parent.

Seriously, OP. Just move on. This is more trouble than it's worth. You are signing up for pain on this guy. Lots of pain. Not the good kind.

And this illustrates just why kids come first.

Some people view any relationship as temporary. If they don't like the way things are going in the moment they'll move on to someone else.

You can't do that with kids. They're your responsibility for life. So they come first.

*fist bump*

Well said Brett.

This is so completely stupid to me to even be "ranking" or comparing two completely different types of relationships. A relationship with a child is COMPLETELY different from your relationship with someone you bone. And completely different from a spiritual relationship. Why are they being ranked. Compared even. There are times a kid is going to come first... they're sick, so your husband fends for himself for dinner. There are times your husband will come first. You'll get a babysitter and disappear for a weekend so you can get your freak on and bond and stuff.

It's not easy, but if you and your significant other aren't on the same page on how to raise children, how to openly communicate when issues arise, how to foster a healthy marriage, how to value both relationships, you're screwed... and not in the good way.

ok, i'm ranting. apologies.

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

You really put your marriage before your kids?

*shakes head*

Why is that so shocking? It doesn't mean that she loves her husband more and her kids less. It means that your FAMILY is your #1 priority, and for families where there are two parents and children, having a healthy, happy home and healthy, happy kids starts with mom and dad.

It means that mom and dad are always a team, always a united front, always on each other's side. It means that your children are never allowed to disrespect your spouse. It means that when there is a conflict, your spouse always has your back. As a partnership, you never make a decision without considering how it will affect your family.

With that said, it's important to pick a partner, especially if you already have children, who is going to love and respect your children and, with you, put your family above all else. I would hope that one would never, ever allow a significant other in their life, married or otherwise, who was not good to their children and didn't love them as their own (unfortunately, this happens). Obviously, that's where your children are put first and you pull the plug before it gets too serious. But if you've met someone who is good and decide you want to commit to them, absolutely, your children should be expected to respect that person as your spouse, as your main man, your sidekick, your best friend, your partner in crime - whatever you wanna call it.

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

You really put your marriage before your kids?

*shakes head*

I find it funny that some people can't at least see where someone with this opinion is coming from. Kids can tear a marriage apart just because they can be so difficult and reckless before they leave your house and move on. If you don't have an absolutely iron-clad relationship and "I got your back" bond with your spouse, kids can end a good marriage. It happens with natural parents, and is an even easier bond to break between a natural parent and a step-parent.

Seriously, OP. Just move on. This is more trouble than it's worth. You are signing up for pain on this guy. Lots of pain. Not the good kind.

Ummmm. :noway: No. It's never the child's fault. Having kids is hard, yes, but they are never the reason two adults can't pull it together.