Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

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  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..

    Agree totally. I wouldn't want to date a guy who put his *new girlfriend* before his own children. "Even for a minute." If you want the fairy tale, wait for a dude with no kids. If you are dating grown men with families, accept the reality. BTW, re: the fairy tale, although we are in love and always present a united front to our children, if my husband were grasping me and one of our sons dangling from a highrise and had to let one go to save the other, I never kid myself that it might be me that got saved. That's what being a quality parent is about.
  • kaylinn9
    kaylinn9 Posts: 112
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    I personally think that you should be happy that a man would prioritize his daughters before a girlfriend. That says something about his character. If he put you before them, that'd be the thing to look out for.

    Hold on to this guy! He's a good one. :)

    I know you wanna be the #1 girl, but trust me on this - he loves you!
  • RandiLandCHANGED
    RandiLandCHANGED Posts: 630 Member
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    I'm surprised nobody who has posted before remembered or referenced your post from a couple of months back about this very subject. Back then, you hadn't developed a full-on relationship with this man, and you were wondering whether you should date him because of your jealousy and worry that he would put his daughter's first.

    I also recall that "A father who puts his kids first = good." That hasn't changed.

    Obviously you have decided to continue seeing this man, and the two of you have fallen in love. And you got your answer about where you fall in his life. You fall 3rd. Right behind the two people who SHOULD ALWAYS fall first.

    When you have children, you are making a lifetime commitment to them. It is a relationship that that they did not have a say in being a part of. He created these two girls. They are him in every way, whether by blood or adoption. Becoming a parent was his choice and he chose to make that lifetime commitment to two girls who rely on him for everything - because that is what they are supposed to do until they become adults and can make the decision to continue a relationship with their father.

    You've shown growth since your original post, which said that you needed full-time attention and adoration. You don't need full-time attention from this man. Hopefully in the two months since your post about this you've come to that conclusion and are willing to take third in his life.

    Keep in mind, his kids will grow up and move out. But they will forever be his daughters. If you and this man get married, there will come a time when you get him to yourself, but share now or you could destroy this family.

    X100000000000
  • emtjmac
    emtjmac Posts: 1,320 Member
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    You need to accept the fact that you will ALWAYS be second to his kids and that will never, ever change. I have four kids and they come before anything else in my life. Once you have accepted that you will NEVER be more important to him than your kids, you must decide whether or not you are ok with that before moving forward.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    That's the tradeoff. You can either accept that you don't come first, or you can find a man without kids. You aren't wrong or bad either way.

    My husband told me that he would have never dated me if I'd had kids. I don't blame him and I felt the same way. He comes from a crazy mixed up family with half siblings, steps and all sorts of drama all over the place. He didn't want that for his own life.

    If your guy is THE ONE, then he's worth it, and you should just accept the situation as is and enjoy the ride. Otherwise, don't settle for a situation that's going to leave you always feeling like last place. Good luck! :heart:
  • triciab79
    triciab79 Posts: 1,713 Member
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    I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...


    This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

    D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

    Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

    I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

    His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

    I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

    The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

    Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

    Is what I am saying making sense?

    You won't always be second to them. They will move out someday and it will be just him and you. If you 2 talk marriage there needs to be a discussion about your place in the home. It is beneficial for his daughters to see what a strong marriage looks like. That means You and He are ONE but the girls come first for both of you. This means decisions are made as ONE and come from both of you. When you are of one mind then there is no need for who is first. Right now you are his girlfriend but someday he needs to accept you as his partner. It is a team effort and you go from player to team co-captain. This doesn't change his relationship to them and it doesn't move you to a spot between them and him it just moves you up to his level. Right now the relationship looks like this _ _ _ _ with you in the space at the end. When you marry it moves to this = _ _ with you in the space with him. This doesn't make him further from them it just makes you closer. Get it?
  • hula808
    hula808 Posts: 224 Member
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    I'd respect and love him even more for being so committed to his family.
    You cant ask what number rank you come in in his life. Of course his kids will always be first, if he is as awesome as you say he is. You are girlfriend, maybe even wife one day, they are his kids, apart of him, its different, you cant compare.
  • sunrise611
    sunrise611 Posts: 1,850 Member
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    How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???

    Tell her what you told us ... that you know how she feels because it happened to you. And you would never want her to feel that way.

    Opening up to her and letting her know that you can relate to her feelings and reassuring her that she will not lose her father will go a long way in cementing your relationship with her.
  • Arexxx
    Arexxx Posts: 486 Member
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    Sorry. Kids come first. The end. Either deal with it or find someone with no children, really.
  • LMT2012
    LMT2012 Posts: 697 Member
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    Ridonkulous. If you had given birth to those girls, he'd lay down his life for them the same. way. That is a parent/child bond. Refuse to get caught up in pecking order boloney. Those girls will grow up and you will be able to (if relationship goes that far) enjoy it with him and then have him to yourself once they go. It won't be all that long either. Be generous with him and his time with them. You will gain daughters, eventually maybe grandkids, and be more valuable than if you hold on so tight.
  • justkeepswimng
    justkeepswimng Posts: 506
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    If he's half as good of a boyfriend as he is a father, you should feel lucky. Maybe if you make them super important in your life, you will understand his need for them to come first. Then you will share a mutually important aspect of your lives and not be vying for one anothers attention.
  • KathrynCatlady
    KathrynCatlady Posts: 86 Member
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    I would have a really hard time with knowing I'd never be #1, however that sort of goes with the territory when you get into a relationship with someone who already has kids.

    I mean, sure, overall you're not top dog, but you are numero uno in a LOT of things his daughters never will be. A girlfriend/wife and a daughter are two completely different categories. You're not even running in the same race, if you think about it.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
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    Somebody with that level of commitment to his children is somebody that might be worth being third for.
  • emccand
    emccand Posts: 195 Member
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    Ok so being a step mom sucks, you will always be the bad guy, the kids will run to their mom and tattle every time you try to discipline them ect. There will be a lot of tension and arguing especially when both girls are teens. My best advice is dont date someone with kids unless they are babies and you are there from the beginning! Sometimes they will be nice and let you in, and sometimes they will be little brats for no reason at all, like I said the step parent thing sucks. If you want to be first in someone's life find someone single. Oh and someone who isnt a huge momma's boy!!!!
  • 4_Lisa
    4_Lisa Posts: 362 Member
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    Well the fact is this, I have been married for 16 years, and my husband is the father of my children, and here's the kicker, my kids are also number 1 in my life. If it came down to my children or my husband both needing me, my kids would win every time, and I would expect my hubby to do the same. We are adults who can manage on our own or find a way to deal with things. Eventually when my kids are older, then they will have their own lives and hubby and I will again be number 1 to eachother (until the grandkids come along). Divorced or not, every parent should make the kids a priority over everything else. Just my thought though.
  • thegingerpirate
    thegingerpirate Posts: 33 Member
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    I know this is really far back in the topic, and you'll probably never get this far lol

    I've always thought of it this way: You're an adult. You have your own job and your own life and you can protect yourself. Kids don't have that. You can protect yourself, but kids can't do that. They need to be first on someone's list to take care of because they aren't capable of doing it themselves. They need guidance and things that an adult does not. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling like you want to be first sometimes, but maybe you are just first on a different list than his daughters are. There is a different kind of love between you than he has with his daughters, and that can't be broken :)
  • misscristie
    misscristie Posts: 643 Member
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    Not wanting to sound harsh, so please don't take is as such, but if you want to be a man's #1, then find a man with no children. His kids SHOULD come first. Always. I've been married to my husband for 10 years, together for 12. He's a wonderful, wonderful, kind, sweet, perfect man for me. However, if anything horrendous happened that would put me in a position to have to choose between my daughter or my husband, I'd drop him like a bad habit.
  • OBXbound4me
    OBXbound4me Posts: 245 Member
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    Having children changes everything. I've heard women with kids say the exact thing to childless men they're dating. I think it comes partially from the blood bond, but also knowing them longer. You're the new person in the family.

    It doesn't mean you're always second-best, I think it means more that he when he makes long-term decisions and weighs big trade-offs (imagine if you wanted a vacation and he wanted to pay for his kids' college, his kids has to come first). In a way, this is what you didn't have as a kid, if your father left.

    That said, you definitely *should* feel like #1, yes, for a minute, a day, a week... and this should happen often.

    ^^^^^ This

    I am currently in an awesome marriage of almost 10 years. When I met my wife, I was 31 and she was 27. She had a 3 year old son and I had no kids. The first month almost that we talked, she would not even tell me his name because she said that as she grew more comfortable with me and got a feeling that the relationship was going somewhere, she would gradually bring me in. Now we have been together for almost 10 years and married for almost 9, and her son is now my son too (I adopted him as his "doner" disappeared) and we also have a 6 year old daughter. I knew that he was her #1 priority as she told me that without actually saying that. The thing for you to remember is that the longer you are together, the less of an "outsider" you will feel and the more the pecking order will seem to equalize. That is what happened with us. Once you live together for a while and you have a chance to become like a new family, (he sees that you can make them important like he does) he will also make sure to show you that you are also equally important. Will he always look out for them over anything, most likely - but once together for some time, he will make choices favoring you such as a quick weekend getaway for an anniversary or something when perhaps they want to do something else. Just keep it in perspective, if you are the #1 "woman" in his life, it will be enough. Over time actions will show you that you are not as far off from #1 as you think once you have put in the time with him and his kids. Just my opinion, the telling you was more for you to know just how important his kids are to him and so he could tell them if they asked so they would know as well. No one wants their kids to worry about a parent becoming dispondent and in extreme cases leaving for someone else. Hope this helps some. :)
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,821 Member
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    They are his kids, and he will protect them. It is hard to be number one especially when the kids live with their mother who is often hell bent on destroying your relationship. Make time together and time apart. Don't ever make him decide between you and them. Just accept that they are important and enjoy yourself.

    For him, I think he can find a better way to say how much they mean to him, and how much you mean too.

    Good luck, it's a tough road, and I have been him.
  • rynzi
    rynzi Posts: 20 Member
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    He sounds like an amazing man/father!
    You'll have your moments being his world but his children should always come first.

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