Can getting in shape ruin a relationship?

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  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    There are two sides to every story and I'm sure the relationship wasn't very strong to begin with. Sour grapes on the forums again. Funny how this is allowed but celebrations aren't.

    Um...huh? What im saying is she should be allowed to celebrate her weight loss and not feel like it is responsible for problems in her marriage. Bad attitudes, lack of trust and the inability to be happy for your significant others victories can definitely ruin a relationship. If her husbands response to her weight loss is the previously mentioned negativity than you can be sure that its going to be a problem.

    Firstly, I didn't take what she said initially as being sour grapes. I think perhaps your response was referring to how it seemed that she was saying it was all his fault, and I will acknowledge openly that it takes TWO people to wreck a marriage.

    I could smash him and say it was all his fault, but I am sure that there are just as many fingers to point at me when it comes to why our marriage failed. I've heard it said that it takes two people to propagate disrespect... the one person who is being disrespectful, and the other who is allowing it to continue.

    Regardless, I'm not blaming my "getting in shape" as the only reason why my marriage failed. I am not as naive as that.
    I am of the belief that it may have been a catalyst that forced us to look at our relationship with open eyes.

    In any event, I was curious to see if there were people who had experienced this struggle AND found a way to overcome it and how...

    I thought the topic valid to the site - since a number of people here are drastically changing their lifestyles for the better, and thereby injecting potentially drastic change into their relationship... I can't see how tips to improve and strengthen relationships along the way would be a bad thing. :)

    This last one seems a bit more balanced, and hopefully you learn something from your bad experience. Good luck to you and enjoy your new single life.
  • smittybuilt19
    smittybuilt19 Posts: 955 Member
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    Nvm, i'm skeered. Answer: It seems that way to me so far.

    How do I deal: Just keep logging and trying to incorporate exercise into my life. MY life.

    I saw your post before you edited. Let me just say that I've been miserably overweight for years and i married a man with a six pack that loved me despite my weight. But the bigger i got the more i loathed his dedication to fitness. My attitude was bad and i was making us miserable. My husbands success and dedication was not the problem in our relationship. I was. My crappy attitude and feeling stupid and ugly standing next to my husband who obviously loved fitness. At one point in our relationship he gained weight and was miserable and felt bad about himself and in that moment i realizes that i never wanted for him to feel like me. I encouraged him to get back in shape, changed my attitude and now our relationship is strong again. Just keep doing what you are doing and don't let her discourage you. Just understand its about her insecurities and do what you can to encourage her through your example. Some day she might get it.

    Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that!
  • MrsPong
    MrsPong Posts: 580 Member
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    Yes..

    My fiance was married to this woman for 17 years. She became chubby as time went on, and resentful about her wife. For all those years, even though their kids went to school, she stayed at home with the "SAHM" status. She supposedly ate bon bons and watched trash TV all day. She got up to 250. Three years before their divorce, she decided to 'lose weight', and got a gastric bypass procedure done. As soon as she lost the weight, she felt better than him. She felt so empowered, that she felt she could do better. She started to cheat on him and go on wild parties with new friends. They were both in their late thirties when this happened. I guess her losing weight motivated her to feel like she was superior somehow, and their relationship fell apart. I guess losing weight caused her to have this huge ego, and she went out of control. In a way it was good for her; she gained confidence, began college, started her life. But she really neglected the family and not only did the marriage suffer, but the relationships with their kids did as well. When I lose weight, I have to be careful that I don't get big headed or egotistical. I have to remember, and just naturally be, humble and remember where I started.

    I can tell how you talk this is a military man... "SAHM" and "sit in front of TV eating bon bons" ALL military men say that about their wives that stay home.... so not true, as I was thinner than I EVER was when I was a stay at home mom/marine wife.
  • blushz2
    blushz2 Posts: 3
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    Yes it can and I am very worried about it too. When I met my partner he was doing an apprenticeship and progressing in he’s career (8 years ago), now I have just finished my apprenticeship and I did a diploma on the side. I know he is insecure about that to start with. He stays home with our two kids 3 and 6 and I go to work, where I am being promoted to assistant manager. We are both fat I think he is 8 to 10 kg more than me. I am very determined to lose weight and he said it’s not for him and he will do light and easy (we can’t afford that ATM). He always makes remarks when I don’t eat everything on my plate or I substitute something like chips for a salad. I am not making him eat it or prepare it. He tries to sabotage me - take away for tea; he picks KFC now what is healthy at KFC and he won’t go to more than one place or will buy a box of chocolates or food he knows I can’t stop at just one. It seems the more I improve the more controlling and opinionated he gets. I love him so much and we both know that by me improving it is for the better. I guess I just have to wait for him to adjust :huh:
  • halffullpgh
    halffullpgh Posts: 74 Member
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    I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My guy is not at all interested in working out and jumps to the Wendy's drive in at every chance he has. I have committed to a change and he treats me as though I am going through 'a phase'. He shows absolutely no enthusiasm if I participate in an event (and doesn't show up) while complaining that if I lift too much/often I will end up looking like, 'one of these girls'. I don't know the answer to this question, but I worry I am finding out first hand.
  • KimbersNewLife
    KimbersNewLife Posts: 645 Member
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    yes it can my husband was convinced I was doing this for someone other than myself. He still struggles with me being on this site, so when hes around I have to stay away. lol Ive had 5 kids Im doing this for me and my family. I want to be healthy. Since Im a stay at home mom and I never leave the house without some kids in tow he knows Im not doing anything but apparently he still worries.

    I think they all do for a while there I was really having fantastic and fast results, I started lifting (and I am starting back this week ;-)
    But... he jokingly said more than several times "So are you going to trade me in for a fitter model?" A few other times he said stuff like "So what are the attorneys you work with like? Are you going to upgrade me." He says it joking but I think we all have our insecurites. In my case I take it as a compliment and I reassure him all the time. I think it's just a normal guy thing. Now when it gets to the point of real accusations and not being able to have any freedom and trust that is when there is an issue that could certainly lead to a marriage breaking up.
  • joycebug
    joycebug Posts: 309
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    My husband's constant disapproval of my commitment to my health is really draining the life out of our marriage. He's convinced I am working out solely to be with other men and to be thought of as attractive to others. He'll say he has no problem with me working out, but if I'm at the gym too long, he'll call me and give me a guilt trip. I'm diabetic and have high blood pressure and he's convinced I'm doing this for my vanity as opposed to doing it to be healthy again. I'm guessing he'll never change so either I have to ignore it or learn to live without him because I'm not going to stop working out. I'm determined to watch my kids grow up...
  • Adobogirl
    Adobogirl Posts: 53 Member
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    Lesson learned, the people closest to you should be your biggest supporters - not filling you with ANY doubt of your own success or potential!

    ^^^YES^^^
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Nvm, i'm skeered. Answer: It seems that way to me so far.

    How do I deal: Just keep logging and trying to incorporate exercise into my life. MY life.

    I saw your post before you edited. Let me just say that I've been miserably overweight for years and i married a man with a six pack that loved me despite my weight. But the bigger i got the more i loathed his dedication to fitness. My attitude was bad and i was making us miserable. My husbands success and dedication was not the problem in our relationship. I was. My crappy attitude and feeling stupid and ugly standing next to my husband who obviously loved fitness. At one point in our relationship he gained weight and was miserable and felt bad about himself and in that moment i realizes that i never wanted for him to feel like me. I encouraged him to get back in shape, changed my attitude and now our relationship is strong again. Just keep doing what you are doing and don't let her discourage you. Just understand its about her insecurities and do what you can to encourage her through your example. Some day she might get it.

    Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that!

    I wanted to thank you for coming here and sharing this. A lot of women are willing to speak about how they're struggling with the changes, but I have a feeling a LOT more men are going through it, but don't want to say anything for fear of being mocked.

    I do not believe that this problem is more heavily weighted to women, but maybe I'm wrong?
  • XDiet_SlayerX
    XDiet_SlayerX Posts: 88
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    When I was in a relationship a while back my girlfriend at the time was jealous every time I went to the gym considering she never worked out and had insecurities. We eventually broke up mainly because I could not stand that kind of jealousy when all I was trying to do was better my self.
  • basillowe66
    basillowe66 Posts: 432 Member
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    Your problem is he is really jealous of you. He is insecure and worried about you finding someone else. You are attractive and have a killer body. he should joinn you and getinto shape.

    It isn't that you got into shape that is affecting your relationship, it is his jealousy


    Basil
  • VogtAndrea
    VogtAndrea Posts: 236
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    Most of us have made the decision to work to better our lives and our health by making very healthy changes and are doing it for all the right reasons. There are always those who have relationships that fall apart because the change in lifestyle and the absences from home have made the insecurities of the spouse who hasn't made the same changes for the same reasons roar out of hiding.
    Magazines have published "is your spouse cheating" or "is your spouse thinking of cheating" tests for years. They say that a sudden change in life patterns is the biggest sign that the other person could be looking at cheating. It plays on the fears and insecurities of the spouse who isn't so involved while the other is doing what it takes to achieve their goals.
    My ex would sabotage every diet. He'd belittle any attempt I would make to make changes that would help me too. In my case, it turned out that he went out and cheated and got scared that I'd do the same and leave him.

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