Should your spouse tell you when you need to loose weight?

mscoco10
mscoco10 Posts: 527 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was talking with with a friend and she mention that her husband told her she needs to drop a few pounds. At first she was offended but now she's working out and eating right. I personally think that he was well within his rights to express his opinions. I wasn't there when he said it so the delivery is key but a partner should be able to say something. What do you think?
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Replies

  • MrsSardone
    MrsSardone Posts: 194 Member
    Hmmm...I'd probably be very hurt. I mean, I'd get my butt to the gym but I'd still be hurt. My husband would probably be sad too if I Told him I thought he needed to lose weight. We're a sensitive couple. Ha!

    But sure, as long as it comes from a loving place.
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
    My wife basically told me that my junk was getting shorter due to being a fatass. It got the point across, and that's all that matters.
  • mscoco10
    mscoco10 Posts: 527 Member
    We all would feel a little hurt but it's good they said something. I see all these websites that promote being comfortable being heavy for women( which I have no problem with) and they stress that your partner should never ask you to loose weight. I have no issue with loving who you are but real love is telling the truth.
  • KBoddu
    KBoddu Posts: 237 Member
    My husband never said anything about my weight until I started having back problems and foot pain. He was very nice about it. He started cooking lighter meals and would ask me if I wanted to go for a walk with him at night. He never came right out and said it, but I knew he was worried about my health. So, I started working out and taking care of myself and I feel so much better! Very thankful to have such a supportive husband that celebrates with me over every ounce I lose. =)
  • morticiamom
    morticiamom Posts: 221 Member
    It depends on the relationship. My husband knows that I was verbally abused and left behind on family vacations for being 'fat' when I was a teenager. (Just for perspective, I weighed 150 pounds at 5'8", that's what my family called 'so fat they were ashamed to be seen with me'.) So NO, he'd never tell me that. Just as I know he's been mistreated because of his dyslexia, so I'll never point out a misspelling in something he writes to me.

    Some people might not have that kind of trauma, so it's no big deal.
  • 5auce
    5auce Posts: 51 Member
    If they are genuinely concerned for their health
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
    Totally. And then he should find every available tool u can use to get and stay motivated. And join you.
  • MrsAnderson_GettingHealthy
    MrsAnderson_GettingHealthy Posts: 122 Member
    Eh.. I don't know how much I fully agree with telling your partner that they need to lose weight.

    If my fiance ever told me to lose weight, I would be devastated and embarrassed. I think that being hurt can make a lot of people work towards their goals so much faster but, not me. I would sit and I would SULK... all day long. I wouldn't want to do anything except tell him how much of a POS he is for telling me to lose weight.

    I agree that partner's do have a right to tell their SO how they feel and that includes personal appearance. I agree with you that the delivery would have been key to hear. If it comes out in an extremely rude and degrading way, than that's even worse. If he said it to her in the sense that he feels that she would be healthier and he loves her no matter what, that's a different story.

    There's always 3 sides to a story. His, her's and the truth.

    I hope your friend is doing well with her weight loss and you also! :)
  • emilyc85
    emilyc85 Posts: 450 Member
    There is a tactful way of doing it. If they expressed concern over your health and wanting to help come up with a game plan, yes. I feel that they need to be supportive, and kind in their concerns, but they have every right to say something. They are your partner, they are supposed to be there for you, and weight gain is a concern and therefore should be brought up.
  • JosieJo2000
    JosieJo2000 Posts: 162 Member
    My husband never said anything about my weight until I started having back problems and foot pain. He was very nice about it. He started cooking lighter meals and would ask me if I wanted to go for a walk with him at night. He never came right out and said it, but I knew he was worried about my health. So, I started working out and taking care of myself and I feel so much better! Very thankful to have such a supportive husband that celebrates with me over every ounce I lose. =)

    This is a beautiful way to handle it. If my husband told me to lose weight I'd tell him to jam it - but he never did, I made that decision on my own. But I think being concerned for the health of your partner and doing something POSITIVE to help him or her lead a healthier lifestyle is wonderful.

    Just because you're in a relationship doesn't give anyone the excuse to be rude about it. As the OP said, it's in the delivery :)
  • knittnponder
    knittnponder Posts: 1,953 Member
    I recently had a conversation like that with my husband. I hope I didn't hurt him but really, there is just no good way to tell someone they need to work on losing weight. I tried to make sure he knew that it isn't because I don't find him attractive (I do!) it's because I am very worried about his health. We watched his dad die after a long stay in the hospital and I am terrified at the thought of having to watch him go through the same thing. It isn't fair to his wife or kids if he refuses to take care of himself. It's because I love him and want him around a long time that I want him to work on being healthier.
  • EmilyEmpowered
    EmilyEmpowered Posts: 650 Member
    My ex never mentioned anything about my weight until I expressed an interest in losing. Even during the process, he never made comments if I didnt go to the gym or eat right once in a while, but if he saw it had been a week since I went, or I spent a whole weekend eating horribly and didnt get back on track on Monday, THEN he would ask me what was going on.

    But you know what? He was telling other people behind my back that I was "fat" and that he was "worried" and remembered how much smaller I was when we met. SO although he was doing all the right things to be "supportive" and not "hurt my feelings" I would have much rather him be blunt and tell me how he felt, rather than find out the way I did. THAT was freaking EMBARASSING!

    I had already lost about 50 pounds when I found out he had said those things. For about a week I was really pissed and depressed, but then I continued on and lost another 50+ pounds. Turns out, he doesnt like me quite as much when I am "smaller" cause I dont take any crap from him and don't sit around pitying myself and begging for his attention anymore!! lol
  • gabegrammy
    gabegrammy Posts: 147 Member
    at least he communicate. hope she's talking back, and they are on this journey together. family support is everything.
  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
    My husband said it during a fight and it came from a mean place, over a year later and it still stings when I think about it, I wouldn't wish that on any girl, however had he said it differently and not out of anger it might have still sucked but at least been understandable.
  • Synapze
    Synapze Posts: 499
    Ive been through this recently with my wife.

    She's about 5'7 and was hitting 110kg. Her face was so big her eyes looked like little dots.

    She slept all the time, kids were always late for school... she was killing herself.

    I went down the tough love approach and told her straight during an argument one night.

    Best thing i could have ever done. Shes now lost 40kg in 6months !!! During Winter !!!

    I could have easily said 'you look fine in that 26 size dress like her family and friends did, but i want to still have her around in 30-40 years time.

    Now she's bashing me about loosing weight. Karmas a b :huh: ch lol. :laugh:
  • kaylinn9
    kaylinn9 Posts: 112
    If it's for health concerns, then yes.
    If it's for vanity and physical appearances, then no. Tell him to go stand in the corner.
  • amymina
    amymina Posts: 64 Member
    It depends on the relationship and the delivery. It also depends on what the situation is. My sister has a baby six months ago, and her husband just got back from Afganastan, and while he was gone she tried so hard to loose the baby weight, but between being a single parent, working 50+ hrs a week, the baby having colic and our dad dying the day after the baby was born, she still has the weight (she is about 5 foot and 170 lbs, size 14). She is also having health issues with her thyroid and celiac. So when he gets back, he "nicely" points out another army wife that lost the baby weight while her husband was gone. This has been a sore point with them for the last few years.

    However, another problem is my husband who would never say anything, and then had a habit of not really supporting when I would try to eat healthier. He would "support" then make an amazing meal that tasted like a piece of heaven. Its a tough middle ground to find.
  • Crawkins
    Crawkins Posts: 32
    I am a firm believer that spouses/significant others should be honest with each other, but to do so delicately. Which would be worse: Hurting someones feelings for a few days then encouraging them to better themselves, or growing to resent them and being unfaithful because you aren't attracted to them anymore? That's the way I see it.
  • Syleyna
    Syleyna Posts: 86 Member
    I notice alot of people are saying that it should only be mentioned because of health reasons and not for any kind of vanity- however, part of a relationship is the physical side aswell as the emotional, and if your partner is no longer finding you physically attractive, then there is a problem.

    My partner has one of those super-fast metabolisms that we all wish we could have. He can't put on weight if he tries. So he found it hard to understand that, for me, it's hard to keep the weight off. I put on alot, ALOT of weight during my pregnancy and began trying to do something about it as soon as I was out of hospital. He didn't mention to me until I was already well on my way to losing the extra kilo's that he had been less attracted to me when I had been obese, but that didn't mean me loved me less.
    Yes, it was a little hard to hear but I feel I need to know that. It's good motivation for me to lose the weight and keep it off. I respect him more for being honest with me about it.
  • Kelseybee13
    Kelseybee13 Posts: 11
    I think it's fine but the delivery is always important. I complained about my weight one day and my husband said he loved me just the way I was but politely asked why I didn't do anything about it if I hate it so much. There I was fishing for compliments and got a life transformation but he asked me sincerely and it really made me think. He didn't know that through my weight loss journey he would be pulled along with me.
  • rvane
    rvane Posts: 1 Member
    I think no matter how nice they say it you will be hurt. Mine was very ugly about it and it has changed the way i feel about him.Im still angry.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Wow. if i ballooned up to 300lbs and my boyfriend was not feeling attracted to me anymore...i would really hope he would say something. Luckily after reading this, I asked him and he said that he would say something. I value that honest and open communication and even though it may hurt, deep down he would just be saying what I would be thinking anyway. I also would rather him be honest then run off with someone else or leave the relationship due to weight.
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
    It all depends on how it's presented, especially when talking to a woman. I've told my husband that, as a matter of fact, but he'd also already expressed it himself. He hasn't mentioned it to me, exactly. But we have discussed weight loss on a number of occasions. But, we also have a relationship where neither of us has a problem being honest about things, including weight.
  • TheConsciousFoody
    TheConsciousFoody Posts: 607 Member
    I asked my SO if he wanted to work out with me at home. I got a no. I asked him if he wanted to join the gym with me. I got a no. I tried to talk him out of drinking soda, eating a lot of processed food, junk food, ect ect but he isn't getting the hints. I've given up and since I don't want to flat out say "hey, you've gained a lot of weight". He is happy being over weight and picks on me for my new healthy lifestyle, which makes me know he has ZERO interest in changing his crappy diet and lack of exercise.
  • xxtaliaxx
    xxtaliaxx Posts: 123
    I honestly think it hurts a lot more coming from a significant other than anyone else because you want their approval and you want them to be attracted to you and them telling you that you need to lose weight is embarrassing to hear and hurtful because it hurts your self esteem a little. I mean, that's how I look at it. I had my ex-boyfriend whisper in my ear "Are you sure you should be eating that?" when I was eating two oreo cookies. I was so hurt when he said that. I took it to heart and didn't want to talk to him for a while. But oddly enough, he loved my body and wanted nothing to change. He just sounded like an *kitten* whenever he said anything. I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings.

    I guess it depends on the person, how it's said, and how they take it.
  • stacelee133
    stacelee133 Posts: 6 Member
    agreed!!
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
    It wasn't exactly a "you need to lose weight" comment - but I did get a "she had the perfect body, you know, like what you looked like your senior year of high school...."
    ouch - but it was true enough, I looked freakin GOOD three years ago and have gained a RIDICULOUS amount of weight since then. I was only hurt for a moment and it was about the time I was already realizing I needed to make a change in my health.
    I also let him know when I could notice he'd put on weight
  • CherokeeBabe
    CherokeeBabe Posts: 1,704 Member
    My wife basically told me that my junk was getting shorter due to being a fatass. It got the point across, and that's all that matters.

    LOL. Very true too, the usable inches start to get covered, not pleasant. I've dated an overweight gentleman or two, including one that gained 50lbs while I was with him. It got noticeable in the intimate department.
  • CraigG75
    CraigG75 Posts: 177 Member
    I think that it's all in the way that you come across. As long as it's coming from a loving place. Me and my wife have talked about it towards each other. You have to know the other person well enough and how they will handle the conversation. Tactfulness is good.
  • lisavirani
    lisavirani Posts: 117 Member
    I just had this conversation with my boyfriend (of a couple years). I told him "why did you let me get this bad, why didn't you say anything?" He loved me no mater what I was looking like, and was plenty attracted to me still. Which is fantastic. I love him for that. And I decided to get healthy on my own, not because someone asked or told me to. HOWEVER, I am down 46 pounds now and he said "I was about to say something, I just didn't know what to say" So, he was thinking it, just didn't say it. That doesn't mean he is being mean, or controlling, or not loving me, etc, he was just worried about my health. I kind of wish he WOULD have said something, then I would have started this lifestyle change earlier... but, I know I probably would have been hurt if he had. I had self esteem issues anyways. So, him saying it after the fact is completely fine with me. I think if the spouse is worried about your health, not how hot you are naked, then it is okay to voice their opinion. Your spouse is supposed to be able to help you when you're in need, and care for you. Some people just need to be told to make better life choices.

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