Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

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  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
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    It sounds like you love him, but are you ok with taking 3rd place in his life? I understand the pain, but at some point you deserve to be number 1. D should be fine with putting his daughters first in many cases, but always? I'm not sure that I could do that. It would breed bitterness and resentment, however much I tried to avoid it.

    The fact that you are asking this question already shows how hurt you are by his comments. Maybe you step back, let him parent his girls for a while and just see how much you really mean to him.

    Good luck.
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
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    Honestly, when you date a man with kids you should already go into the relationship knowing that his children will ALWAYS be first. Relationships may not last forever but your children will always be your children no matter what. I really don't know why you are upset about this, sounds to me like he is a great father to put his girls first! I think that you should not make him your #1, you need to be #1 for you... Treat yourself well, make sure you are healthy and don't make him your absolute whole world because now it's like you are expecting that in return and that's just not the way it is with someone who has children...
    I agree with people here who say that if you want to be some man's #1 then you need to date someone who does not have kids.
  • SanteMulberry
    SanteMulberry Posts: 3,202 Member
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    You are very right to be concerned. I'm going to go against the crowd here and say that I would never marry a man who didn't have his relationship with God as the first priority among his relationships (I am a Christian). God sets the relationship priorities after that and He insists that a husband and wife are "of one flesh" which means that the marriage relationship is closer than any other human relationship and that NO ONE is to come between marital partners (not parents, not children). The marriage relationship is sacred---it is a picture of the relationship of Christ to His Church and He is "closer than a brother".

    The relationship with one's children must be secondary to the marriage, if the marriage is going to be a good one. One day, his daughters will find spouses and then, hopefully, their husbands will come first in their lives. I have done too much marriage counseling where parents of the spouses were a higher priority and it introduces a whole world of hurt for the spouse who is playing second-fiddle to a father-in-law or mother-in-law. It is setting a bad example for his daughters for him to insist that they would come before his wife. Would he have them place a higher priority on their relationship with him than that with their own husbands? I frequently see the marital destruction that produces. In the course of life, parents die, and children grow up, marry and move away, but marriage is permanent---as it was intended to be. I have been married to my husband for forty years, and if God wills, we will have another 10 to 20 years together before one of us leaves this earth. What other earthly relationship has (or should have) that enduring closeness? No other.
  • goodasgoldilox165
    goodasgoldilox165 Posts: 333 Member
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    I like the sound of a man who is honest about his situation and reliable about his responsibilities.

    Of course you'll have to share him but do human relationships fit in such a neat pattern (1 2 3)?
    You have a different role in his life - and won't be in competition with his daughters for everything.
    Anyway, you sound a warm and loving person - just what a worried 13 year old needs. Perhaps eventually you and his daughters will enrich each other's lives too.

    We have quite a mixed up family here and have to share most things. We make a point of teaching that love is like a muscle - the more opportunity you have to use it, the stronger and more able it gets!
  • ruckerbenton
    ruckerbenton Posts: 94
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    I've dated men with younger kids and older kids. I think that with younger kids--under 18, that a man is right in keeping his children first. It should be the focus of a Dad until the child is equipped to be more independent. For me, I didn't care for dating men with little ones, tweens and even older teenagers. Each age group brings new challenges to a full-time relationship. I do want to be cherished by the man in my life. So, for me, dating older men or guys without kids was easier. I have been involved with a man who is 13 years my senior. His kids are grown. We have been together about 1 1/2 years and I am casual with his kids.

    Now, I have a 20 year old son who is not quite on his feet yet. I do a lot for him and ultimately so does my guy. My boyfriend treats my son very well but gets on me some when I coddle the boy/man too much. I have to say it is very different when the shoe is on the other foot. Clarify YOUR values on this, make a decision and take action. If the issue is a problem for you now, unless you make some kind of change, it will continue to irk you which may not be in the best interest of your relationship. Best wishes!
  • Owlie45
    Owlie45 Posts: 810 Member
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    Although its nice to hear that he is loving father, there is no reason why someone should be put on levels. In all honesty I'm hearing that becoming a family is slim to none.

    Would be good to note that me and my brothers dad is, biologicly speaking, only my father. So our household is experienced with this.
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 378 Member
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    I think the best way to reassure the girls is to show it. Having family activities where you're all doing things together (bowling, board games, Wii games, whatever) will go a long way to building the family unit.
  • cardinalsfootball
    cardinalsfootball Posts: 167 Member
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    I'm married to my college girlfriend, best friend, great wife, happy marriage.

    But we openly tell our two kids that we love them the most in this world, and that we love our spouse second most, then rest of family, then everything else. It's a clear hierarchy. We want our kids to know they are the most important things in our lives.

    And we mean it. If I had to choose in a life or death situation to save my child or my wife (and my life isn't an option), there is no real hesitation.

    Doesn't mean my wife isn't the love of my life.

    What I DO think will happen is that eventually the kids move on. When they are late teens they will care less. Just stick around, enjoy your relationship, don't come between them and their dad, and eventually everything will be all right.
  • SanteMulberry
    SanteMulberry Posts: 3,202 Member
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    I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them. The emphasis needs to be on every member of the family pleasing God with his/her life and that means honoring what He has decreed for the family. The New Testament insists that responsibility is placed first on the husband to "love his wife as Christ loved His Church and gave Himself up for "Her." Secondly, the wife is to show respect for her husband (whether she feels like it or not---but if the husband is selflessly putting himself out there for her and the children, it is a lot easier for the wife to show respect because she will FEEL it) and third in God's list of priorities is for children to obey their parents "in the Lord". This means that they would NEVER do anything immoral or illegal to please a parent (and this includes putting their life on hold to please a parent who has more invested in them than in his/her spouse) but should, instead, strive to please Him with their lives. This sets a child free and "it is for freedom that Christ set us free." It also frees the child of resentment toward a parent who seeks to dominate a child with his/her love. The Old Testament is replete with stories about parents who failed these tests that God has placed on families.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Well you can find a man without kids but as soon as you have some together you'll be after them again. My hubby and I have our kid together and I think we both understand he comes first even though we would also protect each other but the dynamic is what's best for him right now because that's what kids need. That's just a parent thing. Once you're a parent your kids come before anyone else.

    It just feels weird to you because right now (until you have kids of your own) he comes first to you, and you'd like it to be the same for him.

    You are free to go find someone without kids if you feel you need to be first for awhile because it sounds like you haven't been yet. Just know that once you have kids you will both get bumped.
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
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    <---happily married with a 10yr old stepdaughter and our 6 yr old daughter. I say happily married now but, in 5 more years...if their pms days line up....I'm going to be in deep s**t. I'm already planning on buying a cabin on the lake or something somewhere where I can go for a week. Anyway...my advice.....RUN!!!!!!!! lol
  • SanteMulberry
    SanteMulberry Posts: 3,202 Member
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    It is natural to adore one's children but marriage is a supernatural test of love and commitment, meant to last a lifetime. Caring for children is demanding, especially in the early year, but as the children get more independent, many couples realize that their marriage leaves something to be desired. At that point, it is appropriate to seek help.
  • 4_Lisa
    4_Lisa Posts: 362 Member
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    I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them. The emphasis needs to be on every member of the family pleasing God with his/her life and that means honoring what He has decreed for the family. The New Testament insists that responsibility is placed first on the husband to "love his wife as Christ loved His Church and gave Himself up for "Her." Secondly, the wife is to show respect for her husband (whether she feels like it or not---but if the husband is selflessly putting himself out there for her and the children, it is a lot easier for the wife to show respect because she will FEEL it) and third in God's list of priorities is for children to obey their parents "in the Lord". This means that they would NEVER do anything immoral or illegal to please a parent (and this includes putting their life on hold to please a parent who has more invested in them than in his/her spouse) but should, instead, strive to please Him with their lives. This sets a child free and "it is for freedom that Christ set us free." It also frees the child of resentment toward a parent who seeks to dominate a child with his/her love. The Old Testament is replete with stories about parents who failed these tests that God has placed on families.

    This kind of lines up with the 'obey your husband' which I had removed from my vows. I'm not gonna respect someone 'whether I want to or not' my respect is earned not a given.

    Sorry, I have my faith, but my kids come 1st. I love my husband and he loves me. We have an amazing relationship and after 18 years still love spending time together. But if it came down to it and my family was drowning, I'm going for the kids hands down every time.
  • 4_Lisa
    4_Lisa Posts: 362 Member
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    It is natural to adore one's children but marriage is a supernatural test of love and commitment, meant to last a lifetime. Caring for children is demanding, especially in the early year, but as the children get more independent, many couples realize that their marriage leaves something to be desired. At that point, it is appropriate to seek help.

    The early years were easy, it's the TEEN years that are difficult.
  • meredith1123
    meredith1123 Posts: 843 Member
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    In a short nutshell......


    Youll never be number one like his kids. just get that in your head.

    I have two kids - both are my number ones. I have a girl and a boy. There is no way in hell my boyfriend of six years now mind you, will EVER be on that 'number one level' that my children are on - and here's the catch - HE KNOWS THAT And he's not sitting around crying over it. he also feels the same way. We share one child together and i'm fairly certain that our son is his number one, and then I am next.
    thats the deal with dating someone with kids. youll always be very important - but kids come first.

    that's fairly simple.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    If you had biological children and he felt this way towards children that were biologically both of yours... would it still bother you?

    I think parents SHOULD always put their children above their spouses. Always.
  • Colombianchick29
    Colombianchick29 Posts: 298 Member
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    if you have / had your own children you would know what he means. Its hard to compare love of a spouse to a love of your children. I have a daughter from my first mairraige, and my current hubby and I have a daughter together. The relationship takes a second seat, but at the same time it doesnt. You want to keep that relationship strong bcus you dont want the children to go through the transition again, or at all. Maybe just the wording was off, or lack of better words.

    My children always come first no matter what, weather its my daughter from my previous mairrage or the one we have together. thats dsnt mean I care for him less. But I CAN live with out him, I just CANT live with out my children.
  • EstiloPanama
    EstiloPanama Posts: 245
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    My fiance has two daughters. One is 18 the other is 20. They have used and abused of him several times. They have demanded things without giving anything back. They are bratty, spoiled, horrible and talk very ill of my fiance. They are pretty much clones of his ex wife. I will go ahead and skip all the details and say that around Christmas, she was demanding to be on his insurance. (The 18 year old). When he didn't get back to her right away, she called me a b**ch, a wh*re, she called my children *kitten* and told him I needed to go suck a d***. Anyway, he still has has soft spot for these brats and still considered putting her on the insurance. We got into a huge argument over this. In fact, I am still bitter. The 18 year old used to live here but moved out because she got upset when I asked if she can keep her cat with her. Her cat was all over my scrapbooking material, and she didn't care at all. The cat was clawing at my fiance's expensive curtains. And he has special dogs that are sensitive to heat (they are expensive) and she locked herself in a room with her boyfriend to watch a movie while the dogs suffered in the heat outside and the cat walked all over the dining table. I told my fiance about this, she felt I was a "tattle tale" (seriously?) And she left. She just had a baby, and my fiance went over to her house on Christmas. The ex-wife was there. He took money and some christmas cards. I was LIVID that he was going over there. Supposedly it was to go see the baby. They ripped him to shreds, took his money and made fun of him. It irritates me that he allows them to treat him like that. I haven't said a word to the girls because I don't know what my position is on this. We aren't even married.

    It's frustrating and has been a huge point of contention for us. I can't stand his daughters. They are complete heartless, greedy brats. He has tried to make excuses for them. I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Just know to be very careful treading these waters....it could cause serious issues if he feels glued to his daughters for whatever reason. It bothered me when his 18 year old lived here because she would wear skimpy outfits and talk and joke about sex to her DAD. It was so weird. In fact, it still p*sses me off.
  • Colombianchick29
    Colombianchick29 Posts: 298 Member
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    In a short nutshell......


    Youll never be number one like his kids. just get that in your head.

    I have two kids - both are my number ones. I have a girl and a boy. There is no way in hell my boyfriend of six years now mind you, will EVER be on that 'number one level' that my children are on - and here's the catch - HE KNOWS THAT And he's not sitting around crying over it. he also feels the same way. We share one child together and i'm fairly certain that our son is his number one, and then I am next.
    thats the deal with dating someone with kids. youll always be very important - but kids come first.

    that's fairly simple.

    AGREE
  • Stompp
    Stompp Posts: 216
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    My girlfriend tells me I'm number 2 in her life, and she's number three in mine... I have two daughters and she has a son. If she told me I was #1, I wouldn't be okay with that.

    1) You sound like you have daddy issues... it happens...
    2) He's being 100% honest with you how it is, sounds like you didn't get that with the previous guy... get over it
    3) If #3 isn't good enough, GTFO.. Nut up or shut up.
    4) He phrased it wrong, you knew what he meant... and you're still bítching about? Attention whóre much?

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