Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters
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I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..
Agree totally. I wouldn't want to date a guy who put his *new girlfriend* before his own children. "Even for a minute." If you want the fairy tale, wait for a dude with no kids. If you are dating grown men with families, accept the reality. BTW, re: the fairy tale, although we are in love and always present a united front to our children, if my husband were grasping me and one of our sons dangling from a highrise and had to let one go to save the other, I never kid myself that it might be me that got saved. That's what being a quality parent is about.0 -
I personally think that you should be happy that a man would prioritize his daughters before a girlfriend. That says something about his character. If he put you before them, that'd be the thing to look out for.
Hold on to this guy! He's a good one.
I know you wanna be the #1 girl, but trust me on this - he loves you!0 -
I'm surprised nobody who has posted before remembered or referenced your post from a couple of months back about this very subject. Back then, you hadn't developed a full-on relationship with this man, and you were wondering whether you should date him because of your jealousy and worry that he would put his daughter's first.
I also recall that "A father who puts his kids first = good." That hasn't changed.
Obviously you have decided to continue seeing this man, and the two of you have fallen in love. And you got your answer about where you fall in his life. You fall 3rd. Right behind the two people who SHOULD ALWAYS fall first.
When you have children, you are making a lifetime commitment to them. It is a relationship that that they did not have a say in being a part of. He created these two girls. They are him in every way, whether by blood or adoption. Becoming a parent was his choice and he chose to make that lifetime commitment to two girls who rely on him for everything - because that is what they are supposed to do until they become adults and can make the decision to continue a relationship with their father.
You've shown growth since your original post, which said that you needed full-time attention and adoration. You don't need full-time attention from this man. Hopefully in the two months since your post about this you've come to that conclusion and are willing to take third in his life.
Keep in mind, his kids will grow up and move out. But they will forever be his daughters. If you and this man get married, there will come a time when you get him to yourself, but share now or you could destroy this family.
X1000000000000 -
You need to accept the fact that you will ALWAYS be second to his kids and that will never, ever change. I have four kids and they come before anything else in my life. Once you have accepted that you will NEVER be more important to him than your kids, you must decide whether or not you are ok with that before moving forward.0
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That's the tradeoff. You can either accept that you don't come first, or you can find a man without kids. You aren't wrong or bad either way.
My husband told me that he would have never dated me if I'd had kids. I don't blame him and I felt the same way. He comes from a crazy mixed up family with half siblings, steps and all sorts of drama all over the place. He didn't want that for his own life.
If your guy is THE ONE, then he's worth it, and you should just accept the situation as is and enjoy the ride. Otherwise, don't settle for a situation that's going to leave you always feeling like last place. Good luck!
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I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...
This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....
D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.
Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)
I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...
His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....
I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.
The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.
Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.
Is what I am saying making sense?
You won't always be second to them. They will move out someday and it will be just him and you. If you 2 talk marriage there needs to be a discussion about your place in the home. It is beneficial for his daughters to see what a strong marriage looks like. That means You and He are ONE but the girls come first for both of you. This means decisions are made as ONE and come from both of you. When you are of one mind then there is no need for who is first. Right now you are his girlfriend but someday he needs to accept you as his partner. It is a team effort and you go from player to team co-captain. This doesn't change his relationship to them and it doesn't move you to a spot between them and him it just moves you up to his level. Right now the relationship looks like this _ _ _ _ with you in the space at the end. When you marry it moves to this = _ _ with you in the space with him. This doesn't make him further from them it just makes you closer. Get it?0 -
I'd respect and love him even more for being so committed to his family.
You cant ask what number rank you come in in his life. Of course his kids will always be first, if he is as awesome as you say he is. You are girlfriend, maybe even wife one day, they are his kids, apart of him, its different, you cant compare.0 -
Sorry. Kids come first. The end. Either deal with it or find someone with no children, really.0
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Ridonkulous. If you had given birth to those girls, he'd lay down his life for them the same. way. That is a parent/child bond. Refuse to get caught up in pecking order boloney. Those girls will grow up and you will be able to (if relationship goes that far) enjoy it with him and then have him to yourself once they go. It won't be all that long either. Be generous with him and his time with them. You will gain daughters, eventually maybe grandkids, and be more valuable than if you hold on so tight.0
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If he's half as good of a boyfriend as he is a father, you should feel lucky. Maybe if you make them super important in your life, you will understand his need for them to come first. Then you will share a mutually important aspect of your lives and not be vying for one anothers attention.0
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I would have a really hard time with knowing I'd never be #1, however that sort of goes with the territory when you get into a relationship with someone who already has kids.
I mean, sure, overall you're not top dog, but you are numero uno in a LOT of things his daughters never will be. A girlfriend/wife and a daughter are two completely different categories. You're not even running in the same race, if you think about it.0 -
Somebody with that level of commitment to his children is somebody that might be worth being third for.0
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Ok so being a step mom sucks, you will always be the bad guy, the kids will run to their mom and tattle every time you try to discipline them ect. There will be a lot of tension and arguing especially when both girls are teens. My best advice is dont date someone with kids unless they are babies and you are there from the beginning! Sometimes they will be nice and let you in, and sometimes they will be little brats for no reason at all, like I said the step parent thing sucks. If you want to be first in someone's life find someone single. Oh and someone who isnt a huge momma's boy!!!!0
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Well the fact is this, I have been married for 16 years, and my husband is the father of my children, and here's the kicker, my kids are also number 1 in my life. If it came down to my children or my husband both needing me, my kids would win every time, and I would expect my hubby to do the same. We are adults who can manage on our own or find a way to deal with things. Eventually when my kids are older, then they will have their own lives and hubby and I will again be number 1 to eachother (until the grandkids come along). Divorced or not, every parent should make the kids a priority over everything else. Just my thought though.0
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I know this is really far back in the topic, and you'll probably never get this far lol
I've always thought of it this way: You're an adult. You have your own job and your own life and you can protect yourself. Kids don't have that. You can protect yourself, but kids can't do that. They need to be first on someone's list to take care of because they aren't capable of doing it themselves. They need guidance and things that an adult does not. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling like you want to be first sometimes, but maybe you are just first on a different list than his daughters are. There is a different kind of love between you than he has with his daughters, and that can't be broken 0 -
Not wanting to sound harsh, so please don't take is as such, but if you want to be a man's #1, then find a man with no children. His kids SHOULD come first. Always. I've been married to my husband for 10 years, together for 12. He's a wonderful, wonderful, kind, sweet, perfect man for me. However, if anything horrendous happened that would put me in a position to have to choose between my daughter or my husband, I'd drop him like a bad habit.0
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Having children changes everything. I've heard women with kids say the exact thing to childless men they're dating. I think it comes partially from the blood bond, but also knowing them longer. You're the new person in the family.
It doesn't mean you're always second-best, I think it means more that he when he makes long-term decisions and weighs big trade-offs (imagine if you wanted a vacation and he wanted to pay for his kids' college, his kids has to come first). In a way, this is what you didn't have as a kid, if your father left.
That said, you definitely *should* feel like #1, yes, for a minute, a day, a week... and this should happen often.
^^^^^ This
I am currently in an awesome marriage of almost 10 years. When I met my wife, I was 31 and she was 27. She had a 3 year old son and I had no kids. The first month almost that we talked, she would not even tell me his name because she said that as she grew more comfortable with me and got a feeling that the relationship was going somewhere, she would gradually bring me in. Now we have been together for almost 10 years and married for almost 9, and her son is now my son too (I adopted him as his "doner" disappeared) and we also have a 6 year old daughter. I knew that he was her #1 priority as she told me that without actually saying that. The thing for you to remember is that the longer you are together, the less of an "outsider" you will feel and the more the pecking order will seem to equalize. That is what happened with us. Once you live together for a while and you have a chance to become like a new family, (he sees that you can make them important like he does) he will also make sure to show you that you are also equally important. Will he always look out for them over anything, most likely - but once together for some time, he will make choices favoring you such as a quick weekend getaway for an anniversary or something when perhaps they want to do something else. Just keep it in perspective, if you are the #1 "woman" in his life, it will be enough. Over time actions will show you that you are not as far off from #1 as you think once you have put in the time with him and his kids. Just my opinion, the telling you was more for you to know just how important his kids are to him and so he could tell them if they asked so they would know as well. No one wants their kids to worry about a parent becoming dispondent and in extreme cases leaving for someone else. Hope this helps some. 0 -
They are his kids, and he will protect them. It is hard to be number one especially when the kids live with their mother who is often hell bent on destroying your relationship. Make time together and time apart. Don't ever make him decide between you and them. Just accept that they are important and enjoy yourself.
For him, I think he can find a better way to say how much they mean to him, and how much you mean too.
Good luck, it's a tough road, and I have been him.0 -
He sounds like an amazing man/father!
You'll have your moments being his world but his children should always come first.0 -
It sounds like you love him, but are you ok with taking 3rd place in his life? I understand the pain, but at some point you deserve to be number 1. D should be fine with putting his daughters first in many cases, but always? I'm not sure that I could do that. It would breed bitterness and resentment, however much I tried to avoid it.
The fact that you are asking this question already shows how hurt you are by his comments. Maybe you step back, let him parent his girls for a while and just see how much you really mean to him.
Good luck.0 -
Honestly, when you date a man with kids you should already go into the relationship knowing that his children will ALWAYS be first. Relationships may not last forever but your children will always be your children no matter what. I really don't know why you are upset about this, sounds to me like he is a great father to put his girls first! I think that you should not make him your #1, you need to be #1 for you... Treat yourself well, make sure you are healthy and don't make him your absolute whole world because now it's like you are expecting that in return and that's just not the way it is with someone who has children...
I agree with people here who say that if you want to be some man's #1 then you need to date someone who does not have kids.0 -
You are very right to be concerned. I'm going to go against the crowd here and say that I would never marry a man who didn't have his relationship with God as the first priority among his relationships (I am a Christian). God sets the relationship priorities after that and He insists that a husband and wife are "of one flesh" which means that the marriage relationship is closer than any other human relationship and that NO ONE is to come between marital partners (not parents, not children). The marriage relationship is sacred---it is a picture of the relationship of Christ to His Church and He is "closer than a brother".
The relationship with one's children must be secondary to the marriage, if the marriage is going to be a good one. One day, his daughters will find spouses and then, hopefully, their husbands will come first in their lives. I have done too much marriage counseling where parents of the spouses were a higher priority and it introduces a whole world of hurt for the spouse who is playing second-fiddle to a father-in-law or mother-in-law. It is setting a bad example for his daughters for him to insist that they would come before his wife. Would he have them place a higher priority on their relationship with him than that with their own husbands? I frequently see the marital destruction that produces. In the course of life, parents die, and children grow up, marry and move away, but marriage is permanent---as it was intended to be. I have been married to my husband for forty years, and if God wills, we will have another 10 to 20 years together before one of us leaves this earth. What other earthly relationship has (or should have) that enduring closeness? No other.0 -
I like the sound of a man who is honest about his situation and reliable about his responsibilities.
Of course you'll have to share him but do human relationships fit in such a neat pattern (1 2 3)?
You have a different role in his life - and won't be in competition with his daughters for everything.
Anyway, you sound a warm and loving person - just what a worried 13 year old needs. Perhaps eventually you and his daughters will enrich each other's lives too.
We have quite a mixed up family here and have to share most things. We make a point of teaching that love is like a muscle - the more opportunity you have to use it, the stronger and more able it gets!0 -
I've dated men with younger kids and older kids. I think that with younger kids--under 18, that a man is right in keeping his children first. It should be the focus of a Dad until the child is equipped to be more independent. For me, I didn't care for dating men with little ones, tweens and even older teenagers. Each age group brings new challenges to a full-time relationship. I do want to be cherished by the man in my life. So, for me, dating older men or guys without kids was easier. I have been involved with a man who is 13 years my senior. His kids are grown. We have been together about 1 1/2 years and I am casual with his kids.
Now, I have a 20 year old son who is not quite on his feet yet. I do a lot for him and ultimately so does my guy. My boyfriend treats my son very well but gets on me some when I coddle the boy/man too much. I have to say it is very different when the shoe is on the other foot. Clarify YOUR values on this, make a decision and take action. If the issue is a problem for you now, unless you make some kind of change, it will continue to irk you which may not be in the best interest of your relationship. Best wishes!0 -
Although its nice to hear that he is loving father, there is no reason why someone should be put on levels. In all honesty I'm hearing that becoming a family is slim to none.
Would be good to note that me and my brothers dad is, biologicly speaking, only my father. So our household is experienced with this.0 -
I think the best way to reassure the girls is to show it. Having family activities where you're all doing things together (bowling, board games, Wii games, whatever) will go a long way to building the family unit.0
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I'm married to my college girlfriend, best friend, great wife, happy marriage.
But we openly tell our two kids that we love them the most in this world, and that we love our spouse second most, then rest of family, then everything else. It's a clear hierarchy. We want our kids to know they are the most important things in our lives.
And we mean it. If I had to choose in a life or death situation to save my child or my wife (and my life isn't an option), there is no real hesitation.
Doesn't mean my wife isn't the love of my life.
What I DO think will happen is that eventually the kids move on. When they are late teens they will care less. Just stick around, enjoy your relationship, don't come between them and their dad, and eventually everything will be all right.0 -
I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them. The emphasis needs to be on every member of the family pleasing God with his/her life and that means honoring what He has decreed for the family. The New Testament insists that responsibility is placed first on the husband to "love his wife as Christ loved His Church and gave Himself up for "Her." Secondly, the wife is to show respect for her husband (whether she feels like it or not---but if the husband is selflessly putting himself out there for her and the children, it is a lot easier for the wife to show respect because she will FEEL it) and third in God's list of priorities is for children to obey their parents "in the Lord". This means that they would NEVER do anything immoral or illegal to please a parent (and this includes putting their life on hold to please a parent who has more invested in them than in his/her spouse) but should, instead, strive to please Him with their lives. This sets a child free and "it is for freedom that Christ set us free." It also frees the child of resentment toward a parent who seeks to dominate a child with his/her love. The Old Testament is replete with stories about parents who failed these tests that God has placed on families.0
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Well you can find a man without kids but as soon as you have some together you'll be after them again. My hubby and I have our kid together and I think we both understand he comes first even though we would also protect each other but the dynamic is what's best for him right now because that's what kids need. That's just a parent thing. Once you're a parent your kids come before anyone else.
It just feels weird to you because right now (until you have kids of your own) he comes first to you, and you'd like it to be the same for him.
You are free to go find someone without kids if you feel you need to be first for awhile because it sounds like you haven't been yet. Just know that once you have kids you will both get bumped.0 -
<---happily married with a 10yr old stepdaughter and our 6 yr old daughter. I say happily married now but, in 5 more years...if their pms days line up....I'm going to be in deep s**t. I'm already planning on buying a cabin on the lake or something somewhere where I can go for a week. Anyway...my advice.....RUN!!!!!!!! lol0
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