Jokes!

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Replies

  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Single mamas hold on too long. My mama used to still try to come in the bathroom and take us a bath, and we was 14. We was like, 'Whoa, Mama. I don't think you should be in here no more. I think I'm going to have to press charges about this.' She'd be like, 'I just want to wash your back.' I'd be like, 'Nope. I'm maturing. You can't be in here no more. This is a Michael Jackson moment.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other f**king third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the f**k are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear paddles and bring him back to life. What a bad day to be a kid driving by and seeing Spider-Man.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Like most Americans, I like to help others while being televised. I'd like to go to an area of the world where they really need my help. Like, 'We're here in sub-Saharan Africa because people sometimes have to walk tens of hundreds of miles for food, water and basic medical care -- and that's why we've chosen this village for an EXTREME MAKEOVER!'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    My favorite is that 'Criminal Intent' with Vincent D'Onofrio. That guy knows everything. He could look at a footprint and go, 'She liked her eggs over medium.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Man, it's hot. I'm sweating like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    They cuss their mother out on national TV. Black people, I don't care how thugged out you might think you are, you aren't cussing your mother out nowhere.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Michael Jackson did a tour in Ethiopia. He's in Ethiopia, singing to the Ethiopians, 'Sing with Michael, side to side, hee hee hee!' And these Ethiopians are looking at Michael Jackson, thinking, 'Look at that fat *kitten*.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable. You in there with mass murderers and everybody. 'What you in here for?' 'I killed six people. What you in here for?' 'Comedy Central.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    He's black. If you were on a bus, you'd miss your stop looking at him. Come on, that brother's dark. If he was on your motorbike, the police would stop you and give you a ticket for tinted windows. That brother's black -- Wesley's black! He would leave handprints on coal.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, 'OK, you're a stand-up comedian -- can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?'... It's as though if I were a cook and I worked my *kitten* off to become a good cook, they said, 'All right, you're a cook -- can you farm?'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    You know when you go to concerts... and people get up on stage and jump into the crowd, stage-diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me, because humans are made out of 95% water. So, the audience is five percent away from a pool.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their van broke down. Their manager would accept the award for them, but he couldn't get the night off at the video arcade.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm like, 'Not for me. I'm done.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
  • arfrazee
    arfrazee Posts: 518
    This is a one man freaking show!
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    I do it for you guys, I hope you enjoy.:smile:

    Remember lol anyone can post it would be much appreciated it's for us all.:smile:
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
    This is a one man freaking show!
    No kidding Chelsea, I was thinking the same thing, and the jokes are repeating too, I must be late for the 2nd act? Chelsea I love comedy, even ones I've heard before:bigsmile: I could watch Seinfeld for hours

    Oh, I didn't know others could post, I thought it was something you started so you could do your jokes. Gotcha:smokin:
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
    This is a one man freaking show!
    Shhh Chelsea:angry: Let the man do his act, don't heckle:smokin: Wanna pretzel, cause dang, these pretzels are makin' me THIRSTY!:ohwell:
  • arfrazee
    arfrazee Posts: 518
    Hey that's from Seinfeld! (Acting as though u didn't just tell me hehehehe)
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
    Hey that's from Seinfeld! (Acting as though u didn't just tell me hehehehe)
    very true a line from Seinfeld, George Costanza practicing his line for the movie with what's his name in it. :)

    Oh Oh Oh, Woody Allen :)

    edited to spell George's name correctly:blushing:
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
    My brother wants to go on that show 'America's Got Talent.' I'm like, 'What the hell are you gonna do on there? You ain't got no talent.' He's goes, 'I can rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.' 'You live in a town of 47, you moron. That ain't a phone book, that's a pamphlet.'
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