Jokes!

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  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    He's black. If you were on a bus, you'd miss your stop looking at him. Come on, that brother's dark. If he was on your motorbike, the police would stop you and give you a ticket for tinted windows. That brother's black -- Wesley's black! He would leave handprints on coal.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, 'OK, you're a stand-up comedian -- can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?'... It's as though if I were a cook and I worked my *kitten* off to become a good cook, they said, 'All right, you're a cook -- can you farm?'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    You know when you go to concerts... and people get up on stage and jump into the crowd, stage-diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me, because humans are made out of 95% water. So, the audience is five percent away from a pool.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their van broke down. Their manager would accept the award for them, but he couldn't get the night off at the video arcade.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel.
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm like, 'Not for me. I'm done.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
  • arfrazee
    arfrazee Posts: 518
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    This is a one man freaking show!
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    I do it for you guys, I hope you enjoy.:smile:

    Remember lol anyone can post it would be much appreciated it's for us all.:smile:
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    This is a one man freaking show!
    No kidding Chelsea, I was thinking the same thing, and the jokes are repeating too, I must be late for the 2nd act? Chelsea I love comedy, even ones I've heard before:bigsmile: I could watch Seinfeld for hours

    Oh, I didn't know others could post, I thought it was something you started so you could do your jokes. Gotcha:smokin:
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    This is a one man freaking show!
    Shhh Chelsea:angry: Let the man do his act, don't heckle:smokin: Wanna pretzel, cause dang, these pretzels are makin' me THIRSTY!:ohwell:
  • arfrazee
    arfrazee Posts: 518
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    Hey that's from Seinfeld! (Acting as though u didn't just tell me hehehehe)
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    Hey that's from Seinfeld! (Acting as though u didn't just tell me hehehehe)
    very true a line from Seinfeld, George Costanza practicing his line for the movie with what's his name in it. :)

    Oh Oh Oh, Woody Allen :)

    edited to spell George's name correctly:blushing:
  • NotSurprised
    NotSurprised Posts: 8,083 Member
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    My brother wants to go on that show 'America's Got Talent.' I'm like, 'What the hell are you gonna do on there? You ain't got no talent.' He's goes, 'I can rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.' 'You live in a town of 47, you moron. That ain't a phone book, that's a pamphlet.'
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