Awkward wedding issue

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bexxgirl
bexxgirl Posts: 260 Member
in Chit-Chat
Dear Internet, please help!

I'm getting married in 2 months and we're paying for it ourselves. We made the call to only invite partners in two cases: 1. Where we hang out with the partner, too, and both partners are part of the general social group together, and 2. Where the main 'invitee' wouldn't really have anyone else to hang out with, so it's nice for them to have their partner, even though we don't know the partner.

We've had a few people ask if they can bring their 'plus one', but once we've explained that they'll have plenty of people to hang with at the reception and our budget doesn't stretch to partners we don't know, it's been fine.

I've had a trickier one this morning though, where the invitee has RSVPd saying "we'd love to come", when the invitation was clearly just for him.

Any tips on negotiating this diplomatic minefield??
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Replies

  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
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    I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)
  • hailzp
    hailzp Posts: 903 Member
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    I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)

    I am not sure that tacky is the right word.

    It is an incredibly difficult situation! I have no idea how to explain it to people. Other than telling them you want it to be intimate and people you know. Some will understand and some will not. But it is your day and it should be how you envisage it.
  • shaynak112
    shaynak112 Posts: 751 Member
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    Send him a message back and say "perfect, we have you, (insert his/her name), on the list of RSVPs"

    I understand about the costs about not having people bring "plus ones" although, to be honest, I probably wouldn't attend a wedding if my boyfriend couldn't come either. I didn't go to my cousin's wedding and that was part of the reason.
  • DrBentonQuest
    DrBentonQuest Posts: 151
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    Generally speaking, the cost of a wedding gift should be equivalent to the cost for the couple to host you at the reception.

    It's a wedding. The more, the merrier. Hope they make up for it with a gift [remember, wedding gifts can be delivered up to 364 days after the wedding. Anything over a year and they are just Neanderthals].
  • TigressPat
    TigressPat Posts: 722
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    I have to agree with the previous poster, it's really not done to invite people solo in general. However I understand why you are doing it, if this is okay with most of your guests, great! In the case of the one person who either misunderstood the invite or is making it clear that he/she wants to misunderstand the invite, I would just let it be. How much more is one more person going to cost you? Is it worth making a fuss and possibly alienating this person? Yes, I know that you'll probably say "but if I let one come, how can I say no to others?" but I would think with the wedding 2 months away you've already got most of your rsvps and the plans have been made, so really it is just one more person.

    good luck!
  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
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    And so I hopefully don't sound like a total B I want to say I understand how it is to fund your own wedding and needing to find angels to be able to afford it. I just think this angel put you in a sticky and stressful situation. I would be very honest with that guest and call them personally and explain your situation/expectation and let them decide if they want to attend alone.

    Congratualtions BTW! You'll be a beautiful bride!
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from - it's so easy to say, "it's a wedding, the more the merrier" but thats coming from someone who isn't paying for the thing (it's easy to order the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is picking up the check).

    If they are a really intimate friend of yours, you should be able to talk to them about it. I know it can be hard to admit to someone else that money is too tight for their comfort, but it is your wedding. Maybe invite said friend out to coffee and have a open ended discussion. Can they really argue with, "I'm terribly sorry, but our budget is so tight we can only really have the people we invited?" They shouldn't protest too much and if they do, they're being a baby.
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
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    I've never been invited to a wedding that wasn't addressed to either a) both of us [since we've been married] or b) one of us +1 [when we were just dating].

    Good luck.
  • irishblonde2011
    irishblonde2011 Posts: 618 Member
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    I'd rather have less people and the ones they love than a whole lot of "single" people pissed off because there wife/husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends were not invited...

    How would you feel if your husband was invited and you were not?
    Think about it really.

    I know weddings can be expensive.
    Also remember the cost to your wedding guests..taking the day off work,wedding gift,getting there,few drinks,maybe some new clothes,some people might stay over etc


    You seem unsure of it otherwise you would have said straight out sorry but the invitation is for one your partner is not invited.
    It is what it is.

    Good luck that is a tricky one.
  • MorgueBabe
    MorgueBabe Posts: 1,188 Member
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    That's really tricky, but I prob wouldn't go to the wedding.
    Maybe you should cut your guest down instead of telling people they couldn't bring their plus one.


    Weddings are tricky, and complicated.
  • desiv2
    desiv2 Posts: 651 Member
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    Scrap the guest list and only invite 20 people, use the extra money to take an amazing honeymoon instead. :P
  • bonsaiblossom
    bonsaiblossom Posts: 133 Member
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    Scrap the guest list and only invite 20 people, use the extra money to take an amazing honeymoon instead. :P

    ditto
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    I'd rather have less people and the ones they love than a whole lot of "single" people pissed off because there wife/husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends were not invited...

    How would you feel if your husband was invited and you were not?
    Think about it really.

    I know weddings can be expensive.
    Also remember the cost to your wedding guests..taking the day off work,wedding gift,getting there,few drinks,maybe some new clothes,some people might stay over etc


    You seem unsure of it otherwise you would have said straight out sorry but the invitation is for one your partner is not invited.
    It is what it is.

    Good luck that is a tricky one.

    This.
    It is considered against etiquette to separate couples like that and understandably so. I understand the paying for the wedding on your own, we did it. I understand the difficulty of the guest list, we did it. But this wasn't the best way to solve the problem without offending a lot of people.
    I don't really have any advice. Just be honest, but you can expect people aren't going to be happy and may decline still.
  • Italian_Buju
    Italian_Buju Posts: 8,030 Member
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    I would actually be really upset if I was invited to anything and told I could not bring my partner....I would not go....

    I can understand singles or even people that are serial daters not allowed to bring a plus one, but someone that has a long term or live in relationship....it would even be an awkward situation to explain to ones partner that they are going somewhere like a wedding alone.....just my two cents.....
  • Mrs16
    Mrs16 Posts: 86
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    That's a tough one - I'd be clear with your intentions or it can get out of hand. We invited a couple and got a reply for 7!
    Good luck with your wedding.
  • lovelyMYlovely
    lovelyMYlovely Posts: 1,066 Member
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    This may cause problems... because you may have no shows if you arn't going to let them bring their SO you know... thats kinda sad.. I would feel very bad if my SO got invited to a wedding but I couldnt come... to be honest I dont think mu SO would go without me.. what is the point in inviting people but seperating their partner.. doesnt sound good to me.. this is why if I ever got married I would elope and have my wedding while im having my honeymoon..

    you put yourself in a tough pickle... what you should have done was not invite people who you knew would want to invite a partner.... it comes off rude and you will have alot of guests leaving early... i dont like this... lol i feel for you... you shouldnt have invited them if they couldnt bring atleast 1 person...
  • spozzybear
    spozzybear Posts: 216 Member
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    We kept our wedding down to 56 guests (including the bridal party etc). We followed the same rules you have laid out and we were really lucky that everyone was very understanding. One of my friends even commented that she had so much fun having a night away from the hubby and kids and meeting new people.
    I do understand that it's an etiquette thing but if I were invited to a wedding and my hubby wasn't, if he didn't know the person and they explained it was a money issue, we would certainly understand. Weddings are stressful enough without having the added issue of guests being offended or having tantrums.

    Keep you chin up babe xx
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
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    Elope. Problem solved
  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
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    Any update OP?
  • Liatush
    Liatush Posts: 627 Member
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    A wedding on a budget is tough and tough decisions must be made. I would say have a straight forward, but polite, conversation with him by phone or in person and explain the situation.

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